She only shrugged. “I can almost understand how that girl felt. I went through times like that. I never thought of killing myself but I just couldn’t… stand living in my own skin. But then, I went off to law school and stayed busy. Until I found out I was pregnant. Then it started all over again.”
The beauty of the lights and the pond now seemed to contradict the mood of the night. “Damn, baby, I’m sorry.”
“
No,” she said, raising a sharp hand. “
I’m
sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I let my dad bully me. He bullied me my entire life and I didn’t know how to fight him. I was scared out of my mind and I let him do the thinking for me. But I was twenty-two. I was grown. It’s inexcusable. I should have told you. You had every right to know. I don’t know how to make it up to you.”
He gave her knee a squeeze, worried she might start crying. Seeing a woman cry was something he couldn’t endure. It made him sick to his stomach. “Look. I wish I’d known. I wish you had told me. But he’s still—”
“
I
know
,” she interrupted. “You missed all his firsts. His first steps, his first words. His first smile. He doesn’t even know who you are. He should know who you are without ever wondering.”
Was she trying to tick him off? He’d been working hard not to think of those things. “Look,” Sam started again. “He’s still young. We’ll put it all back together. All we—”
“
You should hate me,” she said, interrupting again just as he’d started to calm down. “It’s like I robbed you of something priceless.”
He chuckled uncomfortably. “You’ve gotta stop. Right now. You’re making me mad and I wasn’t even mad before. Grudges aren’t my style. Let’s just move on from here.”
She crinkled her brow and tears came to her eyes. She shook her head.
He gave her shoulder a bump. “I also missed out on all-night crying sessions and a million dirty diapers. Right?”
She smiled and tears ran down her cheeks. She quickly brushed them away. “You’re just in time for the terrible twos.”
He smiled with her. “
Fun
.”
She slid back on the step and pulled up her legs to hug her knees. “I’d feel better if you’d hate me. At least for a minute or two.”
“
No, it doesn’t work that way.”
She hiccupped and tears spilled again. “And what have I done to Ethan? Will he remember meeting you for the first time? He shouldn’t have to remember that. Ever since I found out I was pregnant I’ve been wondering about that. Wondering what would have happened if I’d called you out of the blue. What you’d have done. I was so afraid you’d say no. I knew in my gut you’d say to leave you alone. Dreaming of a life with you seemed better than learning the truth. And then having to live with that truth – and one day explain it to my son. I was so afraid Ethan would never have a father in his life. That he would grow up scarred and full of unanswered questions.”
Like why his father didn’t want to be in his life? Sam shivered as he realized how close he’d come to making her fears a reality. He’d gone so far as to book a flight back to Texas – possibly with the intention of never returning.
At least now, when the fear hit and the panic to run came over him, he could talk some sense to himself. Maybe convince himself it wasn’t anything real, just leftover junk from a long time ago.
“
He’s still pretty young,” he assured her, because she seemed so upset. “We’ll work things out, somehow. It’ll be all right.”
She nodded and leaned forward for a moment to cover her face then she sat back again with a sharp intake of breath. “Just promise you’ll take care with Ethan. Don’t hurt him. I don’t ever want him doing something stupid just because some girl breaks up with him. I want him to know who he is.”
He put his arm around her, glad when she didn’t pull away. “He will. We’ll do our best. He’ll be all right. I won’t abandon him. I promise.”
“
Okay,” she said and tried to smile. She leaned into him. “I never thought being a grown-up would be so… hard.”
“
No kidding.”
“
I thought it was all about freedom and fun and doing whatever I wanted. But it’s really about hard work and worry and making complicated decisions. And just for the record, I never expected us to get married. We’d only been together a month. Five weeks to be exact. I’d only just graduated college and I was excited about law school. I wasn’t planning to give that up and get married. I guess I was hoping you might still want to be with me. But looking back, I can see that was unrealistic. It really couldn’t have ended any other way.”
He released her and took a deep breath. “I could have explained better. I knew what you were probably thinking. We had sex and the next day I broke up with you? That was a sorry thing to do. But it wasn’t about that. I can promise you that. It really wasn’t.”
She nodded, staring out at the lighted fountain in the pond. “You know, it wasn’t your fault, what that girl did.”
He held back a groan, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “It sure feels like it.”
“
No,” she said, and ran her a comforting hand down his back. “She must have been extremely unhappy to begin with. She must have had problems that started long before you even met her. She probably wanted to marry you to try to escape those problems.”
He thought about that for a moment. “She was having a hard time in school. She was skipping classes a lot and was probably failing. She kept saying she couldn’t stand to go back home.”
She nodded knowingly. “You were only an escape from the problems she already had,” she said again. “It was cruel of her to blame it all on you. I tried doing that, blaming you. But it didn’t help anything. It only made things worse.”
He was about to lean in and whisper in her ear that he’d never felt about anyone the way he’d felt about her, but she stood suddenly.
“
I have to call and check on Ethan. Is there a phone here I can use?”
Sam handed her his cell phone then walked away to give her some privacy, and himself some space to think. He probably shouldn’t have shared that story – he’d only ended up upsetting her, but he wanted her to know it had made a difference for him. And maybe they had made some progress or cleared up some things. He could only hope he hadn’t made things worse.
One thing he knew for sure – tonight was not the night to propose to her. They weren’t ready for that. And in retrospect, he could see the idea of proposing to her was just his panic taking on a different form. An extreme way to fight back against the fears that he might start something he couldn’t maintain.
He walked on down to the pond, to bring up the things Becky had left for them. No one would be using them tonight.
Jenna came running toward him as he walked back to the house. He dropped everything, the blanket, the picnic basket and cooler, when he saw the expression on her face.
“
I have to go home right now,” she called, stopping and then turning to run toward his truck.
He ran to catch up to her long strides. “What’s wrong?”
She didn’t answer until they’d climbed in the truck and he’d turned on the engine. “Brandon Stewart. He’s there. Bri says he’s drunk and yelling threats. He threw a beer bottle at her when she went out and told him to go away.”
Sam hit the gas trying to wrap his head around that. He didn’t know the Stewarts personally, but he knew who they were. They were hard to miss. Their name was plastered all over town. They probably owned half the industrial park and for all he knew, maybe half the town in general.
“
Is she okay?”
“
Yeah. She’s got friends over, thank goodness, and they’ve locked themselves in the house. I told her to call the police.”
“
This is my fault,” he said as the realization came to him. “I asked her to stay there tonight. I practically forced her to.”
“
No,” Jenna said, “this is my fault. I never should have spoken to him in the first place. I knew better.”
They drove on, Sam putting his focus on the road to get to her house as quickly, yet safely, as possible. “Didn’t he do something to you in high school? Harass you or something when you broke up with him? I remember you telling me about that. He was the guy in the Porsche I saw you with. At the park.”
“
Oh, we never dated. That was the problem. He made my life miserable. I’m afraid he’s about to start doing it again.”
“
Like hell he is,” Sam said.
When they pulled up to the house Jenna jumped out and ran to the door, banging and ringing the bell instead of slowing down to find her keys. A small red sedan was parked in the driveway, but there was no sign of the crazy Stewart guy’s Porsche. He must have left.
Sam was on her heels when Brianna opened the door and they went inside to make sure everyone was okay. The mood in the house was far less tense than the one they’d brought with them.
Brianna’s friends were in the den watching TV and eating popcorn – three girls her age. They glanced over casually when Sam peaked his head in to inspect the room.
“
Did you call the police?” Jenna demanded. “Where’s Ethan?”
“
Upstairs,” Brianna said. “Asleep. I just checked on him.”
But Jenna headed up the stairs, anyway. Sam stayed in the foyer with the sister, wanting answers. “What happened?”
The girl blew out an exaggerated breath, her eyes wide. “He started banging on the door, yelling for Jenna. I looked out the side window and saw it was him and yelled at him to go away because she wasn’t here. But he kept yelling and banging on the door, and then he started stalking up and down the driveway yelling and screaming. I got mad and went out and told him to leave or I was going to call the cops. He threw a beer bottle at me, which I skillfully dodged, and then just got in his car and left. I didn’t see the point in calling the police then.”
“
All right,” Sam said, giving her a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “He’s probably home sleeping it off by now. I wouldn’t worry about it.”
Actually, she didn’t seem very worried at all. She smiled slyly. “How did your
evening
go?”
“
Fine. Nice.”
Horrible.
“Thanks for helping out. Sorry it turned out like that,” he said as Jenna came down the stairs.
“
He’s just a creep,” Brianna said and went to rejoin her friends in the den.
Jenna seemed a little breathless, but much calmer. “He’s fine. Sound asleep.” She glanced in at her sister. “What did she say?”
“
Just the same thing you told me. He was drunk. Acting out. Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll get pulled over on his way home. A DUI would serve him right.”
“
She didn’t call the police?”
“
He left, so….”
Jenna frowned in her sister’s direction. Then turned her attention to him. “Well, thanks for bringing me home. Thanks for, um…. I can’t even think straight right now.”
Despite his assurances, Sam glanced in the direction of the big leather couch in the living room. He couldn’t leave two young women and a toddler alone with a crazy drunk idiot on the loose.
He noticed two pizza boxes open on the coffee table in the den. One had barely been touched. He went in and grabbed a slice then stood out of the way for a moment to eat and see which movie they were watching. Something with Reese Witherspoon.
He didn’t care about the movie, or hanging out with teenage girls, but he also wasn’t going to be ushered out of the house. So, he pretended to be interested in the movie all the while aware of Jenna standing behind him, staring at his back.
“
Hey, Sam,” one of the girls said.
“
Hey,” he answered. Then he actually looked at the girl and saw she was one of his cousins. Autumn Strickland. “Oh, hey,” he said again, this time in actual greeting. He looked at the other two girls and saw they were also his cousins. Mercy and Lara Beth. They both held up a hand to him.
“
I didn’t know you all knew each other,” he said.
“
We went to school together,” Brianna answered. “Autumn and I were best friends in what, third grade?”
“
Third grade,” Autumn agreed.
“
But then,” Brianna continued, “we moved and I had to switch schools. I thought we should catch up. Since we’re nearly family now and all.”
“
Oh yeah?” It was true, actually, now that he thought about it. Because of Ethan, they were all now related. “Well, it’s good to see y’all. How’re your folks?” he asked them.
“
Good.” And, “Fine,” they answered, more interested in the movie.
Jenna passed by him, closed both pizza boxes and carried them out of the room. He told the girls to say hi to their respective parents and followed Jenna into the kitchen.
She dropped both boxes onto the table then opened the full one and sat down to have a slice herself.
“
I haven’t eaten all day,” she said as if she needed to explain herself. She got up and returned with two soft drinks from the fridge and two plates.