But he shook his head. “Actually, it was to replace one he threw across the room and broke last year. He’s only five. I was going to get him a toy or something fun, anyway. I don’t know why I keep making clocks for kids that can’t even tell time yet.” He glanced at her, an affectionate glint in his eyes. “It’s more for their mothers, I guess. They like it.”
She didn’t want to tell him that Ethan had dropped the owl clock on the floor when she’d shown it to him. Thankfully, the clock was sturdy and hadn’t broken. “Well, if you’re sure. I thought it was very nice. Something he’ll appreciate later. What do you do with your clocks? Do you sell them?”
He sent her a curious glance. “No, it’s just a hobby. Something I like to do. That was mine,” he said, nodding at the rattle. “When I was a baby. It’s not really for him to play with, I just thought… I’d like for him to have it. I don’t keep much stuff here anymore. I did a little digging in Mom’s hope chest this morning.”
Sam’s actual baby rattle? Instantly ashamed that she’d assumed the worst, Jenna looked at the rattle again, and smiled at him. “Are these your teeth marks?”
“
Probably,” he said with a laugh. “Mom said I used to gnaw on the furniture like a puppy when I was teething. And look at this.” He slid a photograph from his back pocket and handed it to her. “Look at that. Tell me that’s not the spit’n image.”
She looked at the face of a little boy of about three with shaggy dark blond hair. He stood on a dirt surface, his feet bare and covered in mud, and he was holding out a toy horse in one hand. His hair went every-which-way, but somewhere inside that bright little face she could see Sam’s grin, the slight downward slant at the corner of his eyes, the high cheekbones.
“
This was you?” she asked, slightly confused by a strange urge to steal the picture and keep it for herself. Perhaps sleep with it under her pillow….
“
So it says on the back,” he replied, grinning. He took the rattle from her hand and handed it to Ethan. “I was a little hellion, Mom says. Must’ve been into the mud puddles that day. She said she used to have to spray me down with the garden hose before she’d let me in the house.” He tousled Ethan’s hair. “There were lots of pictures, but I thought this one looked just like him.”
Jenna smiled imagining a mud-covered little Sam dodging the spray of a hose. But her eyes drifted back to the picture. He’d been beautiful even then, even as a child running wild. Even covered in mud. Maybe it was her imagination, but she could also see hints of Ethan’s face there, especially around the eyes. And a little at the cheekbones. Ethan had the Morgan mouth, but the resemblance to Sam was there, and grew stronger the longer she stared at the picture.
She was glad for the resemblance. She’d always hoped Ethan would inherit something of Sam’s magnificence.
Flinching inwardly, she worked up the nerve to ask the question weighing heavily on her mind. “Why are you being so nice about all this?”
“
Nice?” he repeated. “I’m just trying to hold up my end here.” His eyes stilled and he swallowed hard. “Truth is, I’m all over the place. One minute I want to see him, and you, and the next I want to run away. I won’t,” he said, stopping to meet her gaze. “I won’t. But…. I need time to get used to all this.”
She nodded, but the dread was back. “Thanks for telling me.”
This time
. “And decide what you want before Ethan gets used to you. He won’t understand it if you decide you can’t deal with this.”
“
No, I’m dealing,” Sam said, staring at Ethan again. “Think he’d let me hold him?”
“
I don’t know.” She tilted her head to speak to her son. “Want Sam to hold you, sweetie?”
“
No!” He shook his head and squirmed from her arms, running ahead with his new toy as soon as his feet touched the ground.
“
He gets grumpy right before lunch,” she explained. “He woke up grouchy this morning, actually. I moved him around too much last night.”
“
No, it’s all right,” Sam said, watching Ethan slow to a walk. “I understand. He doesn’t know me.”
Unexpectedly, the sadness in his eyes made her feel hard and unforgiving. He wanted to know his son? If he hadn’t decided their future all by himself he could have known Ethan from the very first day. If he hadn’t used her and dropped her like a poisonous spider, he wouldn’t have missed a thing.
He had once gazed deep into her eyes and told her she was someone he could see spending his life with. He’d said she was different from the others. The fact that they’d been parked in a shopping center parking lot where she’d left her car should have tipped her off. Not once had he picked her up at her house. That fact still gnawed at her dignity. He’d never taken her on a proper date. They’d always met up, goofed around in Nashville, or gone out to his brother’s house to sit by the pond.
She cracked her neck from side to side. Not that any of that mattered now.
With her nerves buzzing wildly, she watched Ethan standing in the circular drive swinging the rattle, beating it against his hand, trying to figure out what fun it could be.
When she dared another glance at Sam, he smiled at her. Not a bright smile. One of his tender smiles. “You’re more beautiful than I remembered,” he said with that charming flirtation he’d probably mastered by the time he’d posed for the picture in her hand. “I woke up this morning thinking about you.”
More sweet words, all she needed on a day like this. She resumed the trip to the house. “Lucky you, I was up all night worrying.”
“
What about?” he asked.
She stopped walking and stared at him in amazement. Didn’t he realize the significance of what was happening? How could he have slept last night? “About bringing you into Ethan’s life. What do you think? I’m taking a huge risk. You say Ethan doesn’t know you? I don’t know you, either.” She’d probably never known him. Not really.
A heavy silence fell between them and she looked at her son again, noticing Ethan’s arms had a pink tinge to them. He would be just like her, burning at the mere hint of sunshine. “He’s not wearing sunscreen or a cap,” she mentioned, leaving Sam behind as she ushered Ethan inside the house.
Sam’s skin was well bronzed, she noticed when he took long strides onto the porch to hold the door open for her. From a life spent outside on a ranch. And she couldn’t help but notice how his biceps flexed beneath his t-shirt.
Once inside she stopped to check Ethan for ticks after his trip into the woods. Then she noticed Sam still standing in the doorway, holding the door open, and letting bugs into the house.
“
Did you want to come in?” she asked him.
He nodded and stepped forward, but glanced all around, as if he hadn’t been in the house only the night before. He glanced into the den, up the stairs, then into the living room before smiling nervously at her.
“
It looks different in the day,” he said. “Bigger.”
Sam wandered into the living room, tossed the mail on a sofa, and migrated toward the mantel clock. “This is old,” he commented.
“
It belonged to my grandmother.” She watched Ethan run to Brianna, who was spying from the kitchen. Brianna took Ethan’s hand and offered to fix him lunch. Jenna made a mental note to thank her sister profusely, later.
“
It’s a fine clock,” Sam said. “Turn of the century, I’d say. Looks to be German. My great-granddad put this same kind of flair into his clocks. They were all German, on my granddad’s side.” He turned and took a seat on the white leather sofa, absently stroking his hands over the soft surface.
She crossed her arms behind her back and strolled into the room.
“
Is it not running or did you forget to wind it?” he asked.
She glanced at the clock, barely able to take her eyes off him. “I think it’s broken. It hasn’t worked in years. I tried shaking it around once and it started ticking, but only for a few seconds.”
He raised his eyebrows at her and chuckled. “You shook that fine old clock?”
Jenna went still, fearing she’d ruined her grandmother’s clock beyond repair. “Well, just that once. Just a little shake.”
Sam chuckled again and glanced around, looking everywhere but in her direction. “It’ll be all right. I’ll look at it later. I can fix it.” He let out an uncomfortable whistle and sighed, “Noooo problem,” then settled back with his arms spread in all their firm-muscled glory along the back cushions, continuing his slow scan of the room.
A terrible, heavy silence threatened to loom again and Jenna searched her mind for something to say. She noticed he was wearing gray leather cowboy boots today. He caught her looking at them.
“
For you,” he said with a grin. “Proof I have them.”
“
But you’re wearing a SeaWorld t-shirt.”
He chuckled. “What, you want me in chaps and a ten-gallon hat? I can throw on some spurs. Maybe a big silver belt buckle? What else? A couple of six-shooters? Need me to run home and bring back my horse?”
He had her laughing before she could stop herself. “Would you like something to eat or drink?”
“
No, I’m okay,” he said. “I just had lunch with the family. Catching up.”
Left with nothing else to do, she chose the sofa across from him and tried not to fidget once she was settled. “This is weird, isn’t it? I don’t know what to say.”
He gazed at her with sparkling eyes for a long moment, then nodded. “Really.”
“
So what do we do now?”
Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his knees, clasped his hands, and took on a serious tone. “I guess we should get down to business. I did the math, and I think I knew you pretty well. You’re not the type to sleep around. You had too many rules for yourself. So, if you’ll look me in the eye and swear he’s mine I’ll take you at your word.”
She didn’t like being forced to stare, unblinkingly, into someone’s eyes on command – it made her feel shifty. But he deserved an answer. “He’s yours. I’d never lie about that. For Ethan’s sake.”
Sam slapped his thighs and sat back. “Then there it is. That kid in there is mine.” He smiled, shaking his head, and stared up at the ceiling, as if letting the fact sink in.
“
So, where does this leave us?” she asked.
Sam tilted his head from side to side, still staring at the ceiling, one knee shaking nervously. “I talked to my mom this morning. She said I had to get straight what you want first. Then I can decide what I want. So, do you want me around him? Or do you want me to keep my distance and send a check every month? I’m not committing to anything, to be clear. I just need to know your frame of mind.”
Somehow, she hadn’t expected to be forced into discussing the subject so openly. But this was what she needed, a frank discussion. Dancing around the subject was too stressful.
Letting out a long, silent breath, she tried to focus. “That all depends on what you want. I need to know
your
frame of mind. I have to make decisions for Ethan, and he’s who we have to think about.”
Sam sat upright and then settled back. He crossed his arms, then uncrossed them, then leaned forward to clasp his hands over his knees. “First question is whether you trust me or not. Second question is whether I trust me.”
“
You don’t trust you?” she asked, not fully understanding.
He shrugged and winced at the same time. “Full disclosure? There’s the possibility I’m gonna act like a jackass and run off screaming in a panic.”
She sat back, annoyed. But at least he was being honest. “If that’s what you plan to do, do it now. Not later. Because you won’t want to know me if you hurt my son.”
“
Yeah, I can see that.” He pointed at her. “That look right there. Glaring at me like you’ve got an ax with my name on it hidden in the closet.”
Jenna forced herself to calm down before she talked herself into getting angry. “It sounds like you need to decide what you want. Till then, I don’t see how we can do anything.”
“
Can’t play it day by day?”
“
No. You said you’re going back to Texas tomorrow?”
“
I just have some things to do. I’ll be back. I just don’t know when, exactly. A couple of weeks.”
It hurt, knowing she wouldn’t see him again for two whole weeks, if ever.
“
Then what?”
“
I’d planned to be here about two weeks,” he said. He unclasped his hands so they were free for gesturing. “My folks are having an anniversary party Friday after next. That’s why I’m here. I’ve got a guy I trust overseeing things at the ranch, but I have to get back eventually. Things are slow there right now, so I can extend it if I need to. Some.”
Fatigue came over her again. “You live so far away. I just realized. I have to work. I can’t run him back and forth to Texas to visit. And I don’t see how you can be traveling back and forth, either. Not enough. He’ll forget who you are between visits. But I guess that’s the only way. I’m not going to lie to him about who his real father is.”
Sam slid down on the couch and rested his head back, crossing his arms. He stared at the ceiling, again. “I appreciate that. But this sucks.”