Authors: April Smyth
Rose elbows me in the stomach to wake me from my deep thoughts then gives me a comforting look and squeezes my shoulder lovingly. I am glad she is here with me now even if her flirting with Oliver is difficult to stomach and I know I can’t tell her the whole truth about the past week. Things might not feel the same but it is a thousand miles away from the loneliness I felt at home.
Oliver hasn’t came back and I am itching to talk to him about what has happened. I need to resolve the mistake I made. I need him to stay the same with me; I can’t handle losing somebody else.
I wait another few minutes of Rose and June discussing Rose’s brother, Michael’s progress before I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I make a detour and go to Oliver’s bedroom where I find him fully clothed - fortunately because I think I’d go wild if I had to see that beautiful body dangling in front of me again - and he is sitting with his head buried into his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ I whisper. I am suddenly embarrassed for intruding on his private moment.
He looks up at me and I struggle to decipher what his feelings for me are. Is he mad at me? Or upset? Or is everything okay? ‘I’m fine, Cassie, what is it?’ he says. I don’t want him to be snappy with me. To think about him being angry with me leaves a horrible black hole in my stomach. I can’t lose our friendship when it is the only thing that has stopped me from going insane! The pain of losing my family and Gabe has been so intense and the only things subduing the grief are his warm hazel eyes and the safety of his arms. I take great comfort in knowing that somebody can still make me smile through all the pain and that somebody is Oliver. I give him a pleading look. Don’t give up on me.
‘I just...’ I sit beside him and rest my head on his shoulder without thinking. He looks uneasy about my proximity. He never had a problem with our closeness before and it hurts that he is doubting it now. Have I really ruined it? ‘Please don’t be mad at me, Oliver.’
‘I’m not mad at you,’ he says but I can feel him clenching his teeth which is a dead giveaway that he is lying. I teased him. I made him believe we could be something more than friends then tore it away at the last minute. I can understand why he would be upset but I just need him to understand.
I stare into his eyes and hope that my face can convey what my words cannot. His stony expression softens, ‘I’m not mad at you, Cassie, I promise. I’m just mad at myself.’
‘What?’ I say exasperated. How can he blame himself? He did nothing wrong. I kissed him first that day, I sparked the fire and it was me who pushed myself on him today. All he is guilty of is being so sexy that I couldn’t deny myself of him.
‘I know how much this is all hurting you. I shouldn’t take advantage of your vulnerability,’ he says and I can see that he is genuinely angry with himself. He is punishing himself for something that isn’t his fault and that hurts even more than him being angry at me. I would rather he punished me for being a tease than let him believe he is a bad person. ‘If anything happens between us, Cassie, I want it to be real and you’re too sad right now to know what you really want.’
I know that I really wanted him today. It wasn’t fake. Yes, I am confused and sad but I wanted him so badly and I want him now too. I just can’t succumb to these feelings because I belong to Gabe. It doesn’t mean what I feel for Oliver isn’t
real.
He holds onto my hand and strokes it with his thumb and even such a simple move makes my heartbeat quicken. It is making me ache to hear him talk to me like this. It seems impossible that my feelings would be reciprocated by him. ‘I know what I want,’ I say simperingly.
He raises an eyebrow, ‘And what’s that?’
For some reason I am compelled to tell him the truth. I always do when I’m around him. I take a deep breath, ‘I want you. You are funny and wonderful and you make me smile when I have no reason to. I want you but I want Gabe more and I know it sounds stupid because he doesn’t know who I am anymore but I can’t be unfaithful to him. I can’t hurt myself anymore than I am already hurting.’ I squeeze Oliver’s hand tightly as I watch his eyes darken with sadness, ‘I want...’ I trail off as tears begin to strangle my voice. I won’t cry.
Oliver parts his lips and sighs. He scratches his beard, which has gotten thicker since we first met, and he drops my hand onto my lap. ‘You are amazing,’ he smiles softly at me. My breathing gets heavier as he looks into my eyes and I feel his admiration for me. He isn’t lying like Maurice did to make me fall for his charms. He genuinely believes I am special and that is a rare thing to find. He is making this so difficult for me even if I know he doesn’t mean it.
‘Don’t worry about this, Cassie, it will all work out,’ he cups my face and strokes my cheek which sends my body into overdrive. I won’t kiss him. I won’t.
‘I know,’ I sigh but who will it work out for? Who will get their happy ending?
TEN
‘What were you two doing in there?’ Rose wiggles her eyebrows wickedly when Oliver and I return to the kitchen. It seems everyone’s minds are in the gutter.
It’s getting dark outside and I’m getting tired. I am filled with dread knowing that Oliver won’t be able to share my bed with me tonight because Rose might suspect something. I hate the cabin and when I am alone in there the nightmares come. I need his arms around me to scare off the ghosts of my past.
June sets up one of the spare bedrooms for Rose to stay in although Rose insists she can stay with me in the cabin. I tell her that it’s alright, that I will be fine and that I like sleeping alone. Oliver looks at me, annoyed that I am lying to Rose about how painful my nights are but I can’t bring the truth to the surface. I don’t want Rose to judge me or worry unnecessarily.
There has been no word from Arrow or Gabe since Rose arrived but she doesn’t seem concerned. She must have a lot of faith in her witchy friend. Well, she hasn’t given me any proof not to trust her. She has kept me and my family safe and kept Maurice far away. I just wish she would use her amazing powers to give Gabe all his memories back. Things would be different if he could remember me, remember us and the things we went through together. If she can give Claire back her memories, why can’t he do the same with him? Doesn’t he want to remember?
‘Why don’t we just relax?’ June brings a bottle of wine out of the pantry and we all laugh but my laugh is masking an inner panic. I haven’t let alcohol pass my lips since I returned from Toulouse. Not that I was a heavy drinker anyway. I guess I couldn’t bring myself to join in with my friends as they drank themselves into oblivion every weekend because I saw the sinister side of alcohol first hand. I saw how it tormented Gabe and I knew that with every sip of the bitter liquid I would be thinking of him and maybe even turning into him.
‘Have a glass,’ Rose says, noting my anxiety. ‘It might make you feel better.’
The thin glass cage which has been protecting my heart finally shatters under the pressure and I feel the shards stick into my insides. I see a montage of images: Gabe at that bar with shots of whiskey, sleeping with Maurice, my last goodbye with Gabe. I see my lips pressing against his but then my face transforms into Claire’s and I feel a heave inside of me and the glass shards sink further into my heart. Without another thought, I banish these pictures and swallow the wine.
We stay up late drinking wine together. I stop thinking about Gabe and Claire. I try to feel peaceful knowing that things between Oliver and I will be alright. We can be good friends. He can help to pick of the broken glass and heal what my stupid blood cannot.
Whenever we finish one bottle, June brings out another. Every worry begins to float out of my body and we all relax into each other’s company. There seems to be no cares in the world when in reality we are all heavily burdened.
I am barely aware that I am clearly the drunkest of the four. My head slumps to my chest, my words slur out of my mouth and eventually it is obvious to everyone that it is time for me to go to bed before I start embarrassing myself.
‘Oh I wish we’d gotten drunk together a long time ago,’ Rose laughs as I fall into her chest. Through my drunken haze I can see Oliver’s face has fallen from laughter to concern. He ushers June and Rose to go to bed and says he will take care of me.
Alone in the dimly lit kitchen and unembarrassed because of the alcohol I openly stare at Oliver’s face. His forehead is creased with anxiety as I sway sitting down. When I look away from his beautiful face I feel nausea overwhelm me. ‘Shouldn’t you burn the alcohol off quicker being a Healer? Come on, Cassie,’ he says, he tugs at me but I don’t move.
It is odd that my Healer blood doesn’t reject alcohol and the sensation of being drunk. I am deprived of pain and wounds because I regenerate much quicker than the average human. I don’t know enough of the science to understand what is really happening inside my body. A part of me wishes I had taken up Dave’s offer to participate in a medical experiment but I had been too hurt by his false pretenses of affection to accept. What about the scientists in Russia who wanted to pay my family millions for me to take part in experiments? Could they explain to me the bizarre anatomy?
‘Come on, Cassie, you’re drunk,’ he says seriously but I bat my eyelashes at him and tell him he is pretty so he softens up and starts to laugh. Since I’m unwilling to move from my chair, he tucks his arms underneath me and picks me up in a smooth movement. How come he isn’t drunk? Do big, bad wolves not feel the effects of alcohol? Or maybe he wasn’t drinking that much and I hadn’t noticed.
I wrap my arms around him to support myself and tuck my face into the crook of his neck, absorbing his scent. I feel extremely happy in his arms. I kiss his bearded cheek softly and whisper, ‘Thank you.’
‘What for, Cassie?’
‘For everything. For being my friend and making me happy,’ I smile goofily. My eyelids feel heavy and my lips and fingers are numb. Is this what Gabe liked about drinking so much? The anesthetics. ‘You make me very happy, Oliver. I didn’t think that was possible anymore.’
I don’t even feel myself fall asleep but I wake up and I am back in the cabin outside. Alone. I note the light peering into the cabin from outside and groan that a whole night has passed and morning has arrived already. Thankfully Healers don’t get hangovers but they do get bruised egos.
I use the phone to call the main house as I know I’m not supposed to walk through the grounds alone incase I’m ambushed by a scary vampire. June answers with a laugh, ‘How are you feeling this morning?’
Did I mortify myself last night? I slap my hand against my forehead. ‘I’m fine, June, can you get Oliver to pick me up?’ It seems absurd that I can’t walk a few steps outside without my friends getting hysterical about my safety.
‘He’s still asleep. He only got back in an hour ago,’ she explains.
‘Where was he?’
June laughs again, ‘He stayed with you all night.’
My heart drops. He stayed with me to make sure I fell asleep? To comfort me if I woke up with a fright? I catch my breath. He kept the ghosts away even when I was blind drunk. It is getting harder and harder to untangle my thoughts. I can’t let my feelings grow any more, I remind myself, we are friends and I care for him but the other stuff
has
to stop but why can’t I stop my heart from beating faster whenever I think of him?
‘Oh.’ I feel ashamed that I didn’t even know about his lovely gesture because I was too drunk. That is the last time I drink that much wine. Or any at all. I don’t want to be seeking my comfort in a bottle of vodka. ‘Well, can you tell him to come get me once he’s awake?’ I hang up before June can say anything else and slump back onto my bed.