Authors: April Smyth
‘I know,’ I sigh. I thought being with Rose would remind me of Gabe, remind me why it is important to be loyal to him, but if anything it has pushed me further away from him. My distance from Rose even though she is here and the knowledge that Gabe can remember everything in his life until he met me, well, it has only thrown me against Oliver and into his tender eyes and even more tender kisses.
Oliver relights the log fire and we lie together in silence while it crackles and pops. There is nothing seedy about this embrace. He gently strokes my arm and my hair and I trace the lines of his collarbone and the contours of the muscles on his arms and torso with my newly manicured fingertips.
He grazes my powdered cheek with the back of his hand, ‘I like all this make up and stuff but I think you look prettier without it.’ He licks his thumb and smears his saliva across my face making me squirm and squeal.
‘That’s disgusting,’ I say but I feel like I am floating from his compliment. Gabe never made me feel pretty. Most of the time he just made me feel like shit. Jonathan always told me I was beautiful and so did my family, of course, but it felt forced and insincere. I look in the mirror everyday and I have to come to terms with who I am because that girl in the reflection isn’t going anywhere fast. I have learned to let the things that I like about myself outweigh the things that I hate - and there are a lot of those things - but even then I never feel beautiful. Bearable, yes, beautiful, no but somehow Oliver makes the idea of
me
being attractive seem quite plausible and not something to say to fill the awkward silence.
We lie there for a while longer and I listen to the steady sound of Oliver breathing and it makes me happy. The complete loss of Gabe and the less obvious loss of Rose has overwhelmed me but Oliver makes me feel like I can cope like I am brave enough to face this horrible world.
Daylight is beginning to show itself. Oliver rolls me over swiftly and clasps his arms around me so I am facing him. Looking into his big, brown eyes I forget what I was crying about before and the loneliness disappears. He is like Maurice in a way. Erasing the pain and replacing it with a feeling much more pleasurable but with Oliver it’s real. It’s not an evil manipulation of my feelings. I kiss the corner of his mouth and I don’t care if it’s a dangerous move. Kissing him is easy; it’s not touching him feels foreign.
Oliver takes my kiss and runs with it. He presses his lips against mine and we kiss ferociously for a few minutes before he pulls away and looks at me with sad eyes. He sighs, ‘I said I didn’t want to do anything until I could be sure it wouldn’t hurt you, Cassie.’
‘Hurt me?’ I squeak and lean in for another kiss but he turns his face so I can’t reach his lips.
The only thing hurting me right now is not kissing him. The only thing that is making me sad is the thought of spending another day where I don’t get to see him. However I realise he’s not budging on this topic so get up from the couch and move to the other chair where I want be tempted by those lips. ‘Don’t go in a huff with me, Cassie,’ he dips his head pityingly.
I am more confused than ever. How can I untangled this huge mess I have managed to make for myself? Gabe? Oliver? Rose? My family? I could scream and, my freaking God, Oliver isn’t helping this by being so damn unpredictable. One minute he looks at me as if I am a slice of June’s chocolate cake that he can’t wait to devour, the next he looks like the sight of me could make him cry although I’m not too sure those two emotions don’t walk hand in hand. How does he feel? How do
I
feel?
‘I’m going for a run, Cassie, would you like to join me?’ he asks nonchalantly, dismissing our sweet kiss, but I can’t help but jump at the chance to run again. When I was at home running through the cool Scottish air kept me from losing my mind completely. The wind whipping past my ears taught me to be at peace with nature, that I’m not the centre of the universe. It makes me feel like a tiny spec in the grand scheme of things and to some people that’s scary but to me it is the most comforting thoughts. I can lose my inhibitions.
I shower and Oliver is in his running gear by the time I hop out of the steamy hot water. He looks nice in the thick grey cotton tracksuit, an outfit that most men could not pull off. I like athletic I like relaxed, I guess I just like him. He takes me to the cabin so I can change; thankfully we packed my workout clothes. They are tatty but comfortable and lend themselves well to the wild weather that Scotland throws at us.
I have never had the chance to take in how beautiful the surroundings of Oliver’s house are. The Northern Scottish countryside is breathtaking especially in winter time. The green meadows tinged with frost, the mountains dipped in white snow, and the endless crystal blue sky. It is bitterly cold but there isn’t a cloud in the sky today. I feel blessed to be alive.
We run together in unison mostly. Oliver is a lot fitter than me so sometimes he overtakes but drops back when he loses sight of me. My diet isn’t forgiving and I am out of my daily exercise routine so I’m stiff around the joints and find myself losing my breath a little quicker than I’d like but it feels amazing nonetheless. I love how I begin to pant and my cheeks glow and radiate from the exertion. I feel
alive
.
Oliver takes me a trail through trees and meadows and sludgy mud which covers me up to my knees. We run so fast and so far that any normal girl of my size should be dying from the pain. I wish I could feel the agony in my arms and my knees but being a Healer means I never feel the ache of a good workout. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the high though. By the time we come back full circle I am grinning. All the tension of the past week has been released from my body - whether it’s sexual tension or just plain old frustration at this unjust world.
‘Rose will be up by now,’ Oliver says. ‘She told me you said we haven’t been getting along so unless you want her to know about our... friendship... then I suggest you get changed quickly.’ He says this with gritted teeth. Is he annoyed that I’m denying our closeness to Rose? It’s purely practical that Rose believes I don’t like Oliver. I don’t want her to give up on helping me be with Gabe again. If she thought I had feelings for Oliver then maybe she would loosen up and stop fighting for me. Am I crazy? I’ve already lost that battle but I can’t stop fighting. I won’t.
He waits for me to change then we walk back into the house. Rose and June are in their usual position in the kitchen - the hub of the house - and Oliver explains that he walked me back to the cabin this morning after finding me asleep on the couch then he went for a run.
‘A run? You should join him, Cassie,’ Rose says, clutching a cup of coffee. ‘Cassie loves to run.’
Oliver smiles at Rose and their private moment makes my heart lurch.
‘Oh really?’ And then he gives me a fleeting, knowing grin and I feel safe again. I have told myself Oliver and I shouldn’t get romantically involved and I definitely don’t want Rose to know about my growing friendship with him so why shouldn’t they get together? They are both incredibly attractive, sexual beings and they are my friends. Shouldn’t I want them to be happy? Am I jealous?
‘Why don’t you go tomorrow?’ Rose says and takes a genteel sip of her coffee. I wonder if Rose will push this thing with Oliver again. She seems determined that he and I become friends, is so fond of telling me how funny and sweet he is as if I’m not completely aware of it.
‘What do you think, Cassie?’ Rose’s eyes glitter with the prospect.
I stifle my elation at spending another morning running with him. It seems like the ideal way to start every day so I flash a small smile at Rose and say, ‘Sounds good.’
Discreetly, Oliver digs his elbow into my side before saying, ‘Yes, that would be nice. I’ll wake you up early and we can go for a nice, long run tomorrow if you’d like?’
‘Fine,’ I feign annoyance and Rose seems pleased with herself that she has managed to set us up. If only she knew how this works out rather conveniently for me...
There is no word from Arrow or Gabe for a whole week. With Rose’s arrival I expected to hear a lot more from them but there’s nothing and Rose assumes no news is good news so she stays with us thinking that I will be grateful for her company. I am, I suppose. I spend my days with her, chatting together, we even get the dusty boardgames from the loft and pass the time that way.
Oliver tends to leave us in peace against Rose’s wishes. I still maintain Oliver and I are too different to be good friends. I tell her we merely tolerate each other and she believes it. She can’t stop gushing about him though.
Once she goes to bed Oliver takes me to the cabin where I fall asleep in his arms and wake up in the same position. We don’t kiss again though. We don’t even talk about it. I am aching for his lips though. I miss his kisses but I can’t be greedy. We barely touch other than when his strong arms are wrapped around me as I sleep but it is enough to warm me and keep me smiling during the day. Then we wake up early to go for a run before returning to the house without Rose suspecting a thing out of place. For the whole week Gabe rarely enters my mind instead I grow more and more fond of Oliver.
November is nearly over. It is early in the morning and I have just woken up surrounded by Oliver. His body, his smell, his perfection overwhelms me. He is still asleep and looks angelic. I touch his beard and then his lips which makes him twitch and his eyelids open. ‘Morning,’ he grumbles and pulls himself up off the bed before I get carried away with my gesture. More than often I instigate something more but Oliver pulls it back. He is keeping to his word about nothing happening but is too gentlemanly to leave me sleeping alone out here with all the nightmares invading.
At night he brings his clothes for the next day. ‘Turn around,’ he says as he undresses but I sneak a peak of his boxers sliding off before doing as I’m told. My God, he is beautiful. I don’t know where we stand. Things have been so complicated ever since I met him. Are we
just
friends now? Can we ever be after all those secret kisses and the heated looks we give each other? We have fallen into a nice pattern, a fairly innocent one, but the time is ticking and soon one of us is going to explode.
‘Do you think you could sleep alone tonight?’ his mouth twitches as he speaks and my heart falls. It literally feels like there is a never-ending pit inside of me, my heart is hurtling down it ceaselessly and I am about to be sucked into it. A part of me knows I have no right to be offended. Oliver has been the perfect host and more than accommodating by staying with my every night because he knows if he doesn’t the nightmares of garish vampires and the tears over my family and Gabe will stop me from sleeping at all. Surely, he deserves a night off but I’m too selfish to admit that. All I can think about is what has changed? Why now?
‘Yeah,’ I need to keep my cool. ‘Sure, I don’t mind. I think I can manage.’ I speak quickly and change into my clothes while Oliver faces the wall. If it had been anybody else I would have bit my tongue and not asked why but it’s Oliver and I feel like there are no boundaries between us. He told me not to be afraid with him and that I can be honest so I say what I’m thinking, ‘Have I done something wrong?’
He turns back once I am fully dressed and he gives me a half-sad smile, ‘You’re crazy, you know that? Always blaming yourself?’
‘Well, have I?’ I ask with a simpering laugh.
He gives me a hug and I hold onto him longer than ‘just friends’ would but I can’t stand to let go of him when I fit in his arms perfectly. Okay, I’m in too deep. After the first kiss and maybe the next one there was still a chance of survival. I could still have gotten out alive but now I am fully invested in this man. If I lose him I would just die. My emotions are tightly interwound with his and right now I’m seriously scared.
‘Nothing is wrong, Cassie, I just think you are strong enough to sleep alone now. I don’t want you to become dependent of me,’ he explains but it gives me no comfort. There is something ominous about his words like he knows something I don’t. Is he leaving me? I trust that he would tell me if he knew some vital information. He wouldn’t hold anything back from me, would he?
Oliver can sense my unease so he holds me again. His hugs are more magical than any of Arrow’s spells or Maurice’s manipulation powers. The least miraculous moments in life can sometimes be the most spectacular. ‘Come on, Cass, let’s go for a run.’
He lets go of me and I don’t say anything else about his strange request that I sleep alone tonight instead I get lost in our run. The weather is wild and in true Scottish winter style. The wind is strong and along with the rain is beating ferociously against my skin. Only a Healer and a werewolf would be crazy enough to go out in it but it feels amazing. My hair and my clothes are drenched by the time we get back to the house and once I am finished pelting through the rain, once I have stopped, I have a horrible feeling that things are about to get very ugly.