Authors: April Smyth
For a while, I have no time to think about Oliver. I am consumed by Rose’s presence and thoughts of Gabe. I want him back. Even if he has lost his memory I still want him in my life. To, at least, know that he is okay. Maybe I could see him and tell him our whole story and help him realise that we are supposed to be together. Maybe I could help him regain some memories. He is still Gabe and I have to fight for him, don’t I? I can’t just give up because of this. That’s what Maurice would want. Right?
Rose notices that I have gone off into a daydream, ‘I think I know what you’re thinking about, Cassie, or should I say who...’
There is a potent sadness in her usually cheerful voice. Are we really ready to talk about this? I haven’t been able to really talk about Gabe since I left him. Once or time I’ve been able to verbalise what haunts every minute of every day but most times that Oliver has mentioned him the words stick in my throat. There have been countless times I’ve wanted to ask Rose on the phone how Gabe is but I have never been able to. It hurts too much to vocalise the torment I’ve been feeling inwardly for the past six months. Six torturous months where I have pretended to be normal and held the hand of a boy I never think about when all I have wanted was to be wrapped up in Gabe’s arms and laughing at his silly, broody expression on that lovely face of his. I dig my nails into the palms of my hands as I think about running my fingers through that shaggy dark mop of hair of his and kissing his cheek goodnight.
‘We can’t ignore it forever,’ she says and she holds my hand.
‘Why not?’ I groan. I’m not ignoring it. There is no way I could ever ignore Gabe. His memory is omnipresent; it haunts me and fills me with more dread than the fear of Maurice does. No life at all seems less terrifying than a life without Gabe in it.
‘Because you love him and you miss him and so do I and I’ve called you on the phone for six months and not once have you mentioned his name.’
‘Neither of you,’ I choke.
Hearing her tell me I love him leaves a stabbing sensation in my chest. I do love him so, so much. I loved him even when he was a vomiting mess. I loved him even when he was a total asshole to me, even when I thought he had mowed me down with his car for the fun of it. Because I knew there was more than just the bad boy with a sarcastic, acidic tongue in a black leather jacket. I knew beneath that he had was capable of the greatest love. I believe love is more magical and powerful than any vampire, witch or werewolf I will ever encounter. It has seized me, controlled me, bewitched me far more than any not-so-mythical creature ever could.
My voice is insipid, ‘Where is he?’
I have become so accustomed to the not knowing, having kept myself in the shadows when it comes to Gabe, that I don’t know how to cope with the idea of knowing the real truth. I don’t know how he is or where he is or what he is doing with his fresh start at life. I have wondered a thousand times but that’s as far as it goes. There is something frightening about the truth. It is too physical and unavoidable. I say I want to avoid the cryptic but I need vague. Vague hurts less.
Rose looks pale and shaky. I hate seeing her vulnerable because it’s such a rare occurrence. It hurts even more think that Rose is grieving for Gabe too. I feel my pain and then I feel her pain on top of it.
‘He’s with his family right now,’ she says and I feel a sharp digging sensation in my gut. He never told me about his family, I never asked, I never got the chance. Are they nice? I can’t help but think he didn’t have a good relationship with them when I think about his moody, forlorn expression but maybe that was that all down to losing, Claire, his first love? Maybe he had a happy childhood until she was cruelly snatched from him. Maybe he has the chance to be happy again with his family. Where did they think he had gone all this time he was with Maurice? What explanation did he offer? He won’t even know where he was either.
‘Can you tell me everything? What happened to him when I left?’ I have avoided this for a long time. I said goodbye to Gabe knowing Arrow would rid him of vampirism and all of his memories. From the moment he hung up the phone the rest of his life became a mystery. Was the transition from vampire back to human a difficult one? Did he wake up with no memories and freak out? I don’t know. I hope it wasn’t painful for him, for his sake and for Rose who had to witness it.
I try to keep steady and hold back the tears while Rose tells me exactly what happened after Justin and Calhoun took me away from Toulouse and back to my home. Once they escaped the confines of Toulouse, they found Arrow who stays in a tiny hovel with six other witches - most of whom are old, smelly and speak in a completely foreign language and difficult to live with. She and Gabe hid there while Arrow helped with the protection spell for me and a removal spell for Gabe. She was lost but she stayed strong for Gabe. He didn’t stop crying at all until Arrow performed the spell. He made a good job of hiding this when he said his goodbye on the phone, I think. I am weak thinking about his tears and the pain he must have been feeling: lose everything to vampirism or stay human but lose all the things that make you who you are. Either way he had to prepare to lose his entire future. I want to break down and let all the pent up emotions come crashing out but I let her finish speaking.
‘And here’s the thing, Cassie,’ Rose gulps nervously which in turn makes me feel uneasy. Rose is always calm. She is well trained in the art of covering up raw emotions - something which I wish would rub off on me- but there is anxiety in her eyes which makes me worry about what she is about to tell me. ‘Arrow performed the extraction spell and the vampire blood was all gone. He was human then we asked him a series of questions to see if he remembered anything or if he was a blank canvas but we discovered most of his memories were still in tact. He knew his family. He knew his mum’s maiden name, the colour of his dad’s eyes, his sister’s favourite movie -’ these were all things I didn’t know about him.
My heart is stuck in my throat as I let Arrow continue. Does he remember? Do all of our heartfelt memories still exist yet he isn’t here with me?
‘He remembers dating Claire in high school, visiting Paris with her, her being kidnapped by Maurice, finding her drained of her blood and making the deal with Maurice. He remembers every minute detail. He even remembers the first time he met me,’ there is a crazed look on Rose’s face. There is half delight in all the things that remain untouched in Gabe’s mind after the fear that we would lose everything we love about the boy we both love but there is something else I can’t define. Worry? Anger? Sorrow?
‘This is great news, Rose,’ I say.
She clasps my shoulders exasperatedly and stares into my eyes, ‘He remembers
all
of this but that is
all.
The last thing he remembers is Claire leaving Toulouse. He doesn’t remember you, Cassie.’
I feel my entire world collapse around me and every fragment of hope dissipate as I consider the weight of Rose’s words. Gabe is still Gabe. His childhood and his hardships remain. He still loves heavy metal music and wears all black clothing. I imagine him brooding, frowning, filled with frustration at an unjust world but with the same ray of sunshine peering through the blackness. He is exactly how I picture him, the same man I long for, he is still the boy in the bar who I met in Spring except he hasn’t met me at all.
Why can’t he remember
me
? Why can’t I remember what we had? Wasn’t it important enough? He was seventeen when he lost Claire, began working for Maurice and hunting me down like I was a precious stone. Why can he remember seventeen whole years of his life but the three most important years to me have slipped away? Am I that forgettable?
‘Why?’ my voice is sharp and raspy when it escapes my mouth. ‘Why?’ is all I can say to her. Somebody has to give me an answer. I want so desperately for Gabe to remember, to rescue me from the hell I am in because frankly a world where Gabe and I aren’t there to help each other is hell to me. I need him to make me better. He needs me to show him that he is good and he is worthy and he can be amazing. He is amazing.
I bury my head in my hands but no tears appear. I am finally done crying. It has gone beyond the point where sobs can help. Everything has been torn out of me. Rose lays a hand on my back and I desperately want to shake it off. Any touch feels rancid against my skin. I want to rip the skin off of my bones but it would only replaces itself. I want to disappear completely. Even Rose can’t comfort me now.
‘Arrow reckons she can use a spell on Claire to give her her memories back when they find her. They will need to do it in order to help get her away from Maurice,’ Rose says stonily not answering my question.
I feel physically sick. He has gone to find Claire. He loves her and wants to be with her again. I am nothing to him and she will have him. Does she deserve him? He told me that she didn’t even fight to stay with him when Maurice gave them the opportunity to save her. She chose her own life over Gabe. I can’t blame her but at the same time I wonder if I would do the same thing.
‘Why did you let him go?’ I ask Rose accusatorially. Rose knows how much I love him and she knows that before he lost his memories Gabe loved me back. Hell, she helped us realise and understand those feelings. Without Rose we might never have been able to fully admit the extent of our feelings for one another. She knew how crazy we were about each other yet she let him swan off to find Claire. I’m angry at her. She should have tried to make him remember me. ‘You could have made him stay. You could have brought him to me. I could have made him remember.’
Rose looks puzzled, ‘He doesn’t know who you are, Cassie. I’m so sorry. Believe me it was so difficult for me to understand. It has taken me six months to come to terms with the fact that you two won’t be together again when you were so right for one another but he doesn’t remember and I can’t make him. I did try but he didn’t want to remember. All he wanted was Claire and eventually when we realised Maurice was after her I had to let him go find her.’
That was harsh.
Her voice raises, ‘I would love to give him those memories back, Cassie, but it isn’t fair of me to force them on him. He has a chance of being happy with Claire and who am I to deny that boy a happy ending because God knows he deserves it! You know that too! I love him to death and I know how much you care about him! Do you really want to deprive him of love and happiness and a future just because you’re too selfish to let him go?’
I have never heard Rose sound angry before even when she attacked Maurice she remained composed but she is shaking and there are tears wetting her eyes.
She is right. I wish she wasn’t. To my very core I wish she was wrong but she is totally right. I am selfish. I want Gabe even if it isn’t the right thing for him. It will kill me to know she is getting a second chance at a life with him, to know that she is the lucky one that gets to kiss his lips at night and hold his fragile soul in her hands. But Rose is right. I have to let him go because I love him enough to give him the love he deserves even if I can’t be the one to give it to him. I just hope she proves herself worthy.
‘I’m sorry,’ Rose deflates and folds into my arms. She begins to sob and for the first time in our friendship I am the one comforting her. I rub her back in circles and play with her soft hair. She cries and tells me how sorry she is over and over again. Through the crackled wails she tells me how she wanted to tell me all along but she couldn’t. It’s been killing her and I regret being so angry with her. Rose is on my side and I should never question it. It’s just a shame she has had to bring me this news.
After a while of crying she pulls herself together, looks at me with her sweet eyes and gushes, ‘But we are going to win this thing, Cassie. We have some amazing witches on our side and people like Oliver helping. Maurice is going to lose and you can go home to your family and have an amazing life.’
An amazing life without Gabe. I can’t help but think the victory will be bittersweet without him by my side. So Maurice will be killed. I will thank the witches profusely. I will rejoice with Rose but at the end of the day I will return to the mundanity of the life I have been living for the past six months. I will pretend to be normal and some days I will like it. I miss my family and I love them endlessly but Gabe will be with Claire, Rose will move on and I will be empty. These people have become the centre of my universe. Even Oliver will become a distant memory. How can I go back to Jonathan now? How can I finish school, go to University, get a job and have a family like everyone else when I have had such an extraordinary year with the most extraordinary people?