Breathe (25 page)

‘
I’m sorry. I’m not helping, am I? You’re not stupid. I was just so worried. I even called Alfred.’

‘
No, you didn’t! Why would you do that?’

‘
He told me to take care of you and make sure you were all right. I didn’t do my job right, did I? And I didn’t know who else to call, I don’t even know if you have any relatives alive, except your father, and you never told me his name. I figured Alfred knew, and he told me he would let him know.’

‘
Shit, Alice! I wish you hadn’t done that.’

‘
Well, I did. If you can’t take care of yourself, then someone has to. Anyway, Alfred was in Sao Paulo, he said he would take a flight over here as soon as he is done. I don’t understand why he is coming, and not your father. What’s the deal with that?’

‘
Nothing, I don’t have a father. Can you please call Alfred and tell him I’m ok? Please tell him not to come. Please?’ I couldn’t handle it. If he saw me like this he would think I had a relapse and take me back home. He would probably lock me away somewhere.

‘
Are you ok? Cause it doesn’t look that way.’

‘
I will be. I’ll try. I promise. Just go call your uncle.’

‘
Fine. But if you ever scar me like that again, I will call him and demand that he drag that father of yours here straight away.’

‘
I’m going to be fine’ I promised. I didn’t believe it myself, but if I said it enough times then it might eventually be true.     

‘
And I want to go home,’ I continued. I didn’t like hospital. My mother died in the hospital. ‘Can you get this tube out? I don’t need it, I want to go home.’

‘
I know, sweetie. But right now, you need to get some neutering in your body, fast. You haven’t been taking care of yourself.’

‘
I was busy being stupid.’ 

She laughed, but I could see tears in her eyes. I must have scared her.
I shouldn’t do that to her, she didn’t deserve that. She had been nothing but good to me since the day I sat foot in this country. I was a shitty friend.

‘
I will get the doctor and let him know you’re awake.’

I had to spend the night before they let me go home. And Alice moved in with me the first few days to make sure I ate and drank and breathe. I ate on autopilot, not because I was hungry, but because Alice watched me every second of the day, and she threatened to call Alfred every time I didn’t finish a meal. Everything tasted like sawdust.

I refused to leave the apartment, so Alice did the shopping for me. I refused to have the TV on, in case they said something about Christopher and me, so she kept me company by telling me about what the others where getting up to, and what her new job was like. I had been so wrapped up in my own bobble, that I hadn’t
even known she had started with Managing Studios. Apparently, they had asked her to start earlier, so our backpacking plans were off. Which was fine with me. I didn’t care.

After the second day, we touched the sensitive subject, when she told me that it was safe to leave the house, nobody knew who I was, and the story died out
because there weren’t any proof. I was relieved about that, but I still didn’t want to go outside. I tried going to the studio to paint once, but saw the horse painting and the backside of Christopher’s portrait, and ran back out again. I couldn’t handle thinking about him or our trip. Alice had looked at me funny, but hadn’t commented on it. She was being a really good friend. But I could tell she was getting fed up babysitting. I had to make her believe everything was ok, so she could go home. They had called her several times from work, she was missing a lot of hours, which wasn’t a smart move when you’re the new girl. I finally got her to leave by giving her the spare key card Christopher obviously had left when he came by the last time.

The next few weeks were spent in a monotonous routine. Alice came by with food, because I still refused to go outside. She brought Kiro once, but that had been awkward, because he reminded me of Andrew, who reminded me of Christopher. I didn’t need that. I tried really hard not to think about Christopher. I knew he had sent me a text among all the other ones I ignored while I was “sick”. I deleted it without reading it. He had called me once too, but I didn’t return it. I didn’t need his anger. Alice had told me that they where in the Bahamas on holiday, she had even brought me the newspaper in case I wanted see the pictures. She only wanted me to know that everything was normal in the real world, she didn’t realise that I loved him, and that seeing him with Julia was like getting my stomach stabbed. I threw the paper in the bin without a glance. Alice kept bringing me food, and then checks the freezer to see if I ate enough. She kept threatening me with Alfred. I started to make myself larger meals and then throw most of it out. I spent my days on the couch staring in the air trying not to think. Whenever Alice asked me, I told her I had spent the day painting. But I couldn’t make myself go in there again.

I was tired all the time, because every time I tried to sleep, the huskies attacked, and I
would wake in panic. But I was getting by. I could have the TV on now, if I had the remote in hand in case I saw something I wasn’t ready to see. And I had almost gone for a run one day, making it as far as the downstairs hall. One step at a time, right?

Apparently, my progress wasn’t fast enough for Alice. It was the end of July, and she was bringing me food and saw that my freezer was full. I had forgotten to throw away some.

‘
That’s it, Sara. I’m fed up. I’m calling Alfred, so he can come and shake some sense in to you, because I have had it.’

‘
I’m doing my best. You are not calling Alfred. I’m fine.’

‘
You’re not fine. You’re fading away. I can’t help you anymore, I’m calling Alfred.’

‘
No, you’re not. He is not my father, this doesn’t concern him.’

‘
Well, if you give me your fathers’ number, then I will call him and let him shake some sense in to you.’

‘
I’m not a baby. I can take care of myself.’

‘
Oh, is that why I have to bring you food?’

‘
You don’t have to bring me anything. I never asked you to.’

‘
And if I didn’t, would you go out and get it your self?’

‘
Maybe.’

‘
When was the last time you were outside that door?’

‘
The day before yesterday. I went for a jog.’

‘
Ha. I talked to Frank. He said you came downstairs, and then ran back upstairs before he had a chance to even greet you.’

‘
You know, this place is supposed to value discretion.’

‘He is worried about you, Sara. And so am I. Petrelli isn’t worth it. You need to wake up and realise that.’

‘
I know. I’m getting there.’

‘
Do you know he is still enjoying him self in Bahamas while you lock yourself in here?’

I didn’t need to know that. Not that it mattered. I needed to get over him anyway. But I wasn’t ready to face that.

‘Listen,’ Alice continued. ‘You need to get out and enjoy life. You can’t sit around in your apartment all day, it doesn’t do you any good. I’ll give you a choice: MS is hosting a premiere party tomorrow. You can come with me on that, or we can call Alfred and tell him you need help.’

‘
I can’t go to a party, are you kidding me?’

‘
That’s your choice. I think you need it. Get some alcohol in there, talk to some new people. Have some fun.’

‘
It’s to soon.’

‘
It’s not. I will come by tomorrow, and we will get ourselves ready in no time. It will be fun, just like old times.’

She didn’t budge, and I finally had to promise I would try. She assured me I could leave as early as I wanted, as long as I managed to sit through the movie and get my
ass to the party location. I would take one step inside, and then go back home. I couldn’t deal with people yet.

«Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.»
- Albert Einstein

Alice had taken command over my wardrobe, and found a mini I had never worn before, because it was
way too short. It was black and white in angular zebra strips. The fit was loose, and it had long arms and wide neckline that fell off the shoulders. Underneath there was a black tank top sawn to the fabric. It had looked fine at the store, but I hadn’t had time to try it on before I got home and found it too short. Instead of returning it, I had hung it in my closet and forgot about it. Now Alice insisted that I wore it with black high heels and stockings. If I bent down, my undies would show.

‘
This isn’t worse than the Tomb Raider outfit,’ she said when I refused to put it on. Her words startled me. I didn’t want to think about that night.

‘
That was a costume. I can’t go out like this.’

‘
Sure you can. It shoves off your legs. And it hides the fact that you are way too thin. You need to put on some weight, girl.’  

I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere with arguing with her,
and I really didn’t care, so I put it on. I wasn’t staying at the party anyway. I might as well humour her with this.

We were
putting on the last of our make-up when the caller buzzed. I looked at Alice, who looked at me. I wasn’t expecting anyone. Kiro was out of town.

‘
Did you call Alfred?’ I asked her.

‘
No, I promise I didn’t.’

I went to the living room and answered.
A part of me hoped for someone I shouldn’t think about. I closed my eyes as I answered.

‘
Yes?’

‘
Miss Nord. I am sorry to interrupt, but there is a gentleman here who insists he knows you and that he can go straight upstairs. He says his name is Erik and that he is your…’ I heard Frank hesitate. ‘…boyfriend.’

My hand
found the wall as I felt my legs weaken a little. Erik! Here, in London.
How did he find me?

‘
Should I tell him now is a bad time?’

I didn’t know if that would be a good idea. It would piss him off, and now that he knew where I was, he would only try again later. I had to face him sometime. At least now I wasn’t alone. Why was he here? It had been two years since I saw him last. Now he came barging in and claiming to be my boyfriend. It’s so like him. I took a look in the mirror.

‘You can send him up, Frank. But thank you for letting me know.’ Meaning; don’t ever let him up without alerting me. While I waited, I took a quick look in the mirror. My make-up was too heavy, he wouldn’t like that. I should remove it. The dress is too short. And it shows my collarbone, he is going to see that I am too thin. My hands kept twisting, and I didn’t know if I should wait in the hall, or go change. Alice came.

‘
Who was it?’

I didn’t remember
what I had told her about Erik. I don’t think I had said much; it was an embarrassing time for me. ‘Have I told you about Erik?’

‘
No, I don’t think so? Is it someone from Norway?’

‘
Yes. He is my ex boyfriend. He wasn’t…’

I didn’t get to say anymore, cause a knock came at the door. He didn’t like waiting, so I rushed to open it. T
wo large hands wrapped around me in a tight bear hug. I felt my lungs being squeezed. Then he held me on an arms length and took a good look at me. 

‘
God, Sara. You still look amazing.’ He spoke Norwegian, and I swallowed a lump before answering him in the same language.

‘
Thank you, Erik. How did you find me?’

He laughed, and a chill ran down my spline.
‘It wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that. The idiot lawyer refused to tell me where you were staying, he told me I was bad for you. We both know that isn’t true, don’t we. Shit, Sara. I have missed you so much.’ He embraced me again, but in a comforting way that made me think of the early Erik, the good one. I had loved the good Erik. I was afraid of the bad Erik. I remembered waken every morning not knowing which Erik I would get. The days with good Erik got fewer and fewer. Maybe he had changed. Maybe staying away from me had done him good. I make people angry.

Alice cleared her throat and interrupted the embrace. Erik hadn’t noticed her before now.

‘Who is this?’ he asked, still in Norwegian.

‘
This is Alice’ I said, switching to English.

‘
Hey, I’m Erik, Sara’s boyfriend,’ he said in stuttering English and reached to shake her hand. He smiled at her, and I could see it had an effect. Erik could be quite charming. Alice looked questionably to me, I knew she was reacting to his boyfriend-comment. I shook my head.