Brides and Betrayal (Reconciled and Redeemed Book 1) (9 page)

Anya stared at her for a moment. “You are a tangled ball of guilt - like yarn with too many knots. No wonder you look like a mess!”

Holly couldn't disagree with her, but for now, there wasn’t anything she could do about it. So instead, she threw herself into work, trying to keep her gnawing guilt at bay. But as soon as she stopped working, she felt it nipping at her heels.

She was bone tired, both physically and emotionally, by time they wrapped up their event that evening. As she helped Anya unload the last of the dresses from the van, all she could think about was how she couldn’t wait to go to bed - she just wished she didn’t have to go home.

As if reading her mind, Anya said, “You need to tell Hunter.”

Holly put the dresses back on their rack, ignoring her friend’s suggestion.

“Do you hear me?”

“Yes, I heard you.” Shaking her head as if she was shaking off the idea, Holly added, “But telling him will just hurt him. Telling him is about me getting relief - and I’ve already been selfish enough. I would only hurt him.”

Anya stared at her for a moment, her ebony curls swaying as she shook her head. “Is that what your crazy head has been telling you?”

When Holly didn’t answer, Anya went on. “Yes, Hunter is going to be hurt, but you can’t keep this from him. You lie and when he finds out, it is going to be worse. You keep lying and he will never be able to believe you.” She pointed at Holly and added, “But you tell him the truth and you ask him for mercy.”

“Are you kidding? Hunter would never show me mercy. He would hate me until my dying day. He would hate me like he hates his mother.”

“He does not hate his mother. He is hurt by his mother, and doesn’t know how to forgive her.” Anya wrapped her arms around Holly. “I know it is like being out on a boat and me telling you to jump out and swim. But telling him the truth is what God would want - not lying.”

“And if I drown?”

“You don’t ever drown with God.” Anya laughed and added, “But your legs might get hurt because you are doing the doggy paddling.”

Holly shot her an ungrateful look, to which Anya replied. “What makes you upset? You sinned, and that makes consequences. I’m not going to put the sugar on the coat!”

With a weary chuckle, Holly corrected, “You mean, you aren’t going to sugarcoat it.”

“That is what I said.”

Later that evening, Holly walked into the house with her friend’s words still whispering through her heart. The confession was one thing, his anger was another thing - a part of her knew she could handle that. It was the consequences that had her worried.

She came to a halt in the dining room, where Hunter stood next to a candle lit table holding a bouquet of flowers.

“What are these for?” Holly reached out to take the flowers, but her fingers fell short. Unworthiness sapped her strength.

Placing them in her hands, he leaned down and kissed her. “Because you are beautiful and you are my wife.”

Her blue eyes searched his, and that smirk still played about his lips. Her heart sank.
He is still hoping I am pregnant. What happens when he finds out that I am not? And then I am supposed to tell him the truth?
Holly thought wryly
, that will be like salting his wounds.

His words pulled her from her thoughts. Brushing her hair back with his fingertip, he took an unusually slow amount of time to trace her cheek. Tenderness and love were evident in his touch, and instead of filling her with bubbling happiness, it made her want to throw up.

As he cupped her cheeks, his love pouring from his velvety blue eyes, she felt the bile rising in her throat at her gall.
How dare you let him touch you, love you, honor you like this when you have not done the same to him.

“Holly,” Hunter said as he brushed her cheeks with his thumbs. But the rest of his words were a hot blur, as her mind went cold and fuzzy. Pushing out of his arms she ran for the downstairs bathroom and barely made it in time. As she emptied out the contents of her stomach, she wondered if it was her body’s way of trying to empty itself out of the guilt.
Could it physically manifest like this?
She wondered.

When she came out of the bathroom, she saw him standing there with that same handsome but infuriating smile. “I am sorry. I guess I am not any better.”

“Well, I don’t think you are going to ‘get better’ any time soon - at least not for nine months.”

His meaning didn’t register right away, but when it did she felt like her knees melted beneath her. Hunter’s strong arms caught her before she hit the ground, and she was barely aware of Hunter carrying her up the stairs.

Gently placing her on their bed, he removed her shoes with the tender care of a servant.
Stop
! Her mind cried.

Brushing the hair back from her face, Hunter kissed the tip of her nose. “Ever since I returned home, I’ve felt as if something’s changed.”

Hunter mistook her look of horror, laughing as he said, “Not the part about you throwing up all the time.” He ran the tip of his finger down her cheek. “Like something had changed for the better in our marriage. Maybe it is just because I realized how much a disservice I was doing to you and our marriage by constantly wondering if you were going to turn into my mother or Janessa. I know you would never do that, and I’m sorry it has taken me this long to let go of my mistrust of them just so I could trust you.”

She looked away from Hunter, feeling the bile rise in her throat again. He cupped her cheek, forcing their eyes to meet. “But it is like this baby is another sign of change coming to our marriage – a new stage in our lives.”

Her guilt was like a heavy cloth over her mouth, and she struggled to breath. Holly wanted to shake him off her and tell him the truth. She wanted to unburden herself, honor him with honesty, and beg for mercy and another chance. In the end, she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t rob him of his happy news and replace it with what would destroy him. She had done enough to hurt him - she would do no more.

“A new us.” She managed a facsimile of a smile that she hoped would pass as genuine.

He place a hand on her still flat stomach. “Yes, a new us.”

The question of the baby’s father haunted her for the rest of the evening. She rationalized that for her to be far enough along to be showing signs of morning sickness, the baby had to be Hunter’s. The fact that she didn’t know for certain was just another truckload of guilt that was poured on top of her.

Later that evening, as she lay awake listening to the peaceful snores of her husband, she could not silence the whispering accusation that she had fully stepped into the role of her mother – an adulterous wife, with a child that could possibly be another man’s.

Rolling onto her side, she closed her eyes and tried to blot out the pain, the guilt, the shame of her actions. Worse yet was the knowledge of the pain she had caused Hunter.

I am so sorry, God. I know you can’t forgive me for what I’ve done, but show mercy to Hunter. He has been hurt so bad in the past, and I don’t want to be the next dagger in his back. I will take on the burden of this guilt and shame. I will carry it around and will live under it. But don’t hurt him with the truth.

She waited to hear His voice - the one she had heard so long ago, but now seemed to be vacant from her life. She longed for the skittering of thoughts across her brain that let her know that God was there, He was listening, and He had accepted her sacrificial offering. But there was nothing but silence.

After two weeks, Holly had convinced herself she could deal with the guilt and shame. She tried hard not to lie anymore to Hunter, but it was hard to stay clean when she was wallowing in the dirt. She had used her pregnancy to avoid church - she was either too tired or too sick to attend. Hunter had brought up Seth at dinner one night, but she had neatly sidestepped that conversation.

What harm she did with her lies she tried to make up for with her love and affection. But it was hard to tell the difference anymore, and even her love felt like a heavy chore.

Tonight, she had avoided going to bed right away in an effort to avoid putting on her mask of innocence. Using the excuse of work, she had holed herself away in the office to get a respite from the lies she felt forced to tell.

“This is work?” Hunter chuckled from the doorway an hour later.

“I got distracted.” She lied, turning away from the computer screen where she had been aimlessly scrolling through her friends’ status updates on her social media page.

Without even clicking off the page, she rose and kissed him on the cheek. “I think I’ll just go to bed.”

“I’ll lock up and be there in a minute.” Holly didn’t even bother to turn around or acknowledge his comments.

As she went up to their room, her legs seemed heavy as if they were shackled. Freedom - she savored the word as if it were a fine-tasting fruit she would never be able to sample again.

In their room, she slipped into her pajamas and crawled under the covers. She couldn’t go on like this. It had only been three weeks and the burden of her guilt was heavy. Maybe she should just do what Anya had requested. Her heart shrank at the thought of losing Hunter, but she was going to lose him anyway if she attempted to keep it up. What had Anya warned her?
You lie and when he finds out, it is going to be worse. You keep lying and he will never be able to believe you.

Would Hunter offer her mercy and forgiveness in exchange for the truth?
Do you deserve it?
Her mind whispered.

She laid there for some time, but Hunter never showed up. Concerned, she went downstairs to see where he was. She found him in the office, sitting in the chair with his head in his hands. The screen was still showing her page, and a chat session was open.

As she neared, she could see it was from Seth. Before she even read the words, she knew the truth was out.

I’d ask you why you haven’t been in church lately, but I think we both know the answer. I’ve been thinking about what I said to you, and I am not sure I was right to tell you that. It is your decision whether you should tell Hunter the truth, not mine.

Holly stood rooted to the floor.
Now what?
Her brain cried.

Hunter still sat with his head in his hands. “What is it you need to tell me?” She heard the anger, the pain, and the tears in his voice.

“Hunter,” she reached out to touch him but thought better of it. “I don’t even know how it happened. I was so upset with you after I told you about my parents. I felt rejected and I felt unwanted. Seth came over to return something, and we just started talking.”

He finally turned, and his cold stare tore her heart and shattered it into a million pieces.

He repeated his question through clenched teeth. “What is it he told you to keep quiet about?”

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I just was so...”

Her words trailed off, and she shrugged. Tears burned the back of her eyes but refused to fall. Her chin quivered, but she held it clamped, refusing to give into it.

“Just so what?” Contempt for her dripped off every syllable.

“I was angry and hurting, and he listened to me. He didn’t judge me, he listened to me.”

“I’m sure he did. He was eager to please you.” Disgust was woven into every syllable he spoke.

Holly shook her head, “No, Hunter. It wasn’t like that.”

“Then tell me what it was like. Tell me what he wants you to hide. Tell me the truth.”

Holly took a step back from Hunter. “Why make me say it? You already know.”

“Say it!” He roared, and she stumbled back two steps from the intensity of his anger.

“I slept with Seth.” She hung her head and gave up her lies, letting the truth fall in their place. “I was the one who kissed him. I was the one who tempted him. He wanted to leave, but I was so angry and hurt by your rejection that I wouldn’t let him go.”

“Where?”

She shook her head and tried to reach out to him, but he pulled back. “Hunter, don’t...”

“I asked you, where did it happened?”

Her answer was a whisper. “The kitchen. You didn’t respond when I told you I loved you, and I was so hurt...”

He cut off her justification. “How many times?”

“Hunter, stop.” Holly reached out, but he batted her hand away before it ever made contact.

She wanted him to understand where she was that night. She wanted to replace that angry look for the one of love she’d seen an hour ago. Explanations would surely ease his pain. If he could just understand...

“You have always looked at me like I was like your mother. And then when I told you about my parents, you were even worse. I was tired of you judging me, so I tried to become everything you accused me of - that everyone has always accused me of.”

A muscle worked in his jaw as he formulated his response. His voice started off soft, giving Holly hope. “I wasn’t upset about your parent’s story. I was angry because you shared the story with Seth before you shared it with me. I spent the entire flight home feeling bad about the way I accused you, and the thoughts going through my head.” His tone returned to its former iciness. “I guess I wasn’t wrong.”

Tears hovered in her deep blue eyes as she begged him. “Hunter you were wrong – I mean...I was angry and hurting, and he was there...”

She stopped, seeing that her reasoning was like sandpaper on his wounded heart. She reached out to touch him again, but he jerked away.

“Please,” she begged. When he was unrelenting, she screamed. “I am not your mom! I am not my mom. I don’t have the heart of a cheater!”

Her words finally drew a response from him. “Oh, yes you do! You replaced him with me.”

“But you were never there in the first place!” It was out before she could stop it.

Her excuse broke the restraint of his barely leashed anger. Through clenched teeth he gritted out, “So I am the reason you can’t remain faithful? I am the reason you lied?”

“I didn’t lie!” she exclaimed, frantically trying to soothe his anger.

He pointed at the screen without saying a word.

“I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want to hurt you. The truth would just hurt you and it wasn’t like I wanted to...or like I was going to do it again. I didn’t like it, I just wanted to punish myself. It just happened because I was vulnerable...”