By Force of Instinct (12 page)

is an ugly fellow! I am glad he is gone. I never saw such a long chin in my life. Well, but now for my news: it is about dear Wickham; too good for the waiter, is not it? There is no danger of Wickham’s marrying Mary King.

There’s for you! she is gone down to her uncle at Liverpool; gone to stay.

Wickham is safe.”

“And Mary King is safe!” added elizabeth; then, considering the need for discretion, she added, “safe from a connection imprudent as to fortune.”

“she is a great fool for going away, if she liked him.”

“But I hope there is no strong attachment on either side,” said Jane.

“I am sure there is not on his. I will answer for it he never cared three straws about her. Who could about such a nasty little freckled thing?”

elizabeth was shocked to think that, however incapable of such coarseness of
expression
herself, the coarseness of the
sentiment
was little other than her own breast had formerly harboured and fancied liberal! to think that the habits of her family had affected her, and her all unknowing! Her colour rose as she realized how ill-bred her thoughts had been.

How pleasant it had been to be away from the ill manners and indecorum of her family, to be among people of sense and intelligence! With a strangely painful sensation, she was forced to acknowledge that she had been the one to reject the opportunity to spend her life with such a person, and for her foolishness in that she was now condemned to return to the follies of her family. she could not help but to rail at herself once again for the thoughtless misjudgment and prejudice against Mr. Darcy that had blinded her to his finer qualities until it was too late. An image of the look on his face when she had last seen him, saying his final goodbye in Gracechurch street, came to her with a pang which startled her by its intensity.

As soon as all had ate, and the elder ones paid, the carriage was ordered; and, after some contrivance, the whole party, with all their boxes, workbags, and parcels, and the unwelcome addition of Kitty’s and Lydia’s purchases, were seated in it. Lydia, assisted by Kitty, gave foolish histories of their parties and good jokes, all of which embarrassed elizabeth deeply, in an endeavour to amuse her companions all the way to Longbourn. elizabeth listened as little as she could, but there was no escaping the frequent mention of Wickham’s name, which could bring her only more pain on behalf of her behaviour toward Mr. Darcy.

Their reception at home was most kind. Mrs. Bennet rejoiced to see 72

By FoRce oF InstInct

Jane in undiminished beauty; and more than once during dinner did Mr.

Bennet say voluntarily to elizabeth, “I am glad you are come back, Lizzy.”

she took advantage of their return to Longbourn to acquaint Jane that night with what she had learned of Wickham, disguising only the circumstances in which she received her knowledge. It was some comfort to her, but what a stroke was this for poor Jane, who would willingly have gone through the world without believing that so much wickedness existed in the whole race of mankind, as was here collected in one individual. nor was Darcy’s vindication, though grateful to her feelings, capable of consoling her for such discovery. Most earnestly did she labour to prove the prob-ability of error, and seek to clear one, without involving the other.

‘This will not do,” said elizabeth. “you never will be able to make both of them good for any thing. take your choice, but you must be satisfied with only one. There is but such a quantity of merit between them; just enough to make one good sort of man; and of late it has been shifting about pretty much. For my part, I am inclined to believe it all Mr. Darcy’s, but you shall do as you choose.”

It was some time, however, before a smile could be extorted from Jane.

The tumult of elizabeth’s mind continued despite ridding herself of this secret, and she found herself often considering just how much merit she wished to attribute to Mr. Darcy. As lamentations over the impending departure of the regiment began resounding through Longbourn-house, she felt anew the justice of Mr. Darcy’s objections; and never had she before been so much disposed to pardon his interference in the views of his friend.

Lydia’s insistence on travelling to Brighton in the company of Mrs. Forster and her father’s refusal to heed her secret advice against letting her go only confirmed these feelings in her.

she considered as wel al that she had learned of Darcy in the two weeks fol owing his il -fated proposal, coming to greater respect for his understanding and talents, and his ability to chal enge her as an equal. At this distance from him, less confused by his frequent shifts of behaviour, she discovered that she could acknowledge the full depth of his affection for her, and compared it with his admirable loyalty to those he cared for. she was not blinded to his faults, to his continuing haughty manners and changes in temper, but after seeing him at the Gardiners’ house, she no longer considered his manners to be irremediable, and recognized that some of his incomprehensible 73

Abigail Reynolds

changes of spirits were a response to the distress of his feelings for her.

she frequently perused his letter, dwelling more on the understanding shown in it, and most particularly feeling the charity in the adieu, so like his final words to her in Gracechurch street. More and more often she found herself returning to the memory of his kiss, and the feelings it evoked were no longer strangers to her. she longed to experience it again, and then doubted she ever should; and felt shame for her immoral longings.

she had felt the finality of his goodbye to her and wondered to what extent he might even at that moment be dismissing her from his memory.

certainly she had given him no reason to cherish tender sentiments toward her, a matter of increasing regret for her as time went on. What a triumph for him, she often thought, could he know that the proposals which she had proudly spurned only a few weeks previously might be received very differently now! He was as generous, she doubted not, as the most generous of his sex. But while he was mortal, there must be a triumph.

she passed many an hour wondering what might come to pass when they met again, and whether she would have the power to bring about the renewal of his addresses, or whether he would regard her with the coldness and distance she knew that she deserved for her treatment of him. That they would meet again seemed a matter of little doubt now, as Bingley had, as promised, returned to netherfield but two weeks after their own return, unaccompanied this time by either sisters or friend. It was a matter of great delight, if no surprise, when Jane came to her professing herself to be the happiest creature in the world.

“ ’tis too much!” she added, “by far too much. I do not deserve it. oh!

why is not every body as happy?”

elizabeth’s congratulations were given with a sincerity, a warmth, a delight, which words could but poorly express. every sentence of kindness was a fresh source of happiness to Jane. But she would not allow herself to stay with her sister, or say half that remained to be said for the present.

“I must go instantly to my mother;” she cried. “I would not on any account trifle with her affectionate solicitude; or allow her to hear it from any one but myself. He is gone to my father already. oh! Lizzy, to know that what I have to relate will give such pleasure to all my dear family! how shall I bear so much happiness!” she then hastened away to her mother, who was sitting upstairs with Kitty.

74

By FoRce oF InstInct

elizabeth, who was left by herself, now smiled at the rapidity and ease with which an affair was finally settled, that had given them so many previous months of suspense and vexation. “And this,” said she, “is the end of all his friend’s anxious circumspection! of all his sister’s falsehood and contrivance! the happiest, wisest, most reasonable end!” even in her delight for Jane, she could not help wondering whether there could ever be any such end for her and Mr. Darcy, or if their ending had already been played out.

In a few minutes she was joined by Bingley, whose conference with her father had been short and to the purpose.

“Where is your sister?” said he hastily, as he opened the door.

“With my mother up stairs. she will be down in a moment, I dare say.”

He then shut the door, and, coming up to her, claimed the good wishes and affection of a sister. elizabeth honestly and heartily expressed her delight in the prospect of their relationship. They shook hands with great cordiality; and then, till her sister came down, she had to listen to all he had to say of his own happiness, and of Jane’s perfections; and in spite of his being a lover, elizabeth really believed all his expectations of felicity to be rationally founded, because they had for basis the excellent understanding, and super-excellent disposition of Jane, and a general similarity of feeling and taste between her and himself.

elizabeth was now left more than ever to her thoughts, as she had now but little time for conversation with her sister; for while he was present, Jane had no attention to bestow on any one else; but she found herself considerably useful to both of them in those hours of separation that must sometimes occur. In the absence of Jane, he always attached himself to elizabeth, for the pleasure of talking of her; and when Bingley was gone, Jane constantly sought the same means of relief.

When her thoughts came to be too much for her, she found an escape in anticipating her tour to the Lakes. It was now the object of her happiest thoughts; it was her best consolation for all the uncomfortable hours which the absence of Jane, the discontentedness of Kitty, and her memories of Darcy made inevitable. The time fixed for the beginning of their northern tour was now fast approaching; and a fortnight only was wanting of it, when a letter arrived from Mrs. Gardiner, which at once delayed its commencement and curtailed its extent. Mr. Gardiner would be prevented by business from setting out till a fortnight later in July, and must be in 75

Abigail Reynolds

London again within a month; and as that left too short a period for them to go so far, and see so much as they had proposed, or at least to see it with the leisure and comfort they had built on, they were obliged to give up the Lakes, and substitute a more contracted tour; and, according to the present plan, were to go no farther northward than Derbyshire. In that county, there was enough to be seen to occupy the chief of their three weeks; and to Mrs. Gardiner it had a peculiarly strong attraction. The town where she had formerly passed some years of her life, and where they were now to spend a few days, was probably as great an object of her curiosity, as all the celebrated beauties of Derby, chatsworth, Dovedale, or the Peak.

elizabeth was excessively disappointed; she had set her heart on seeing the Lakes; and still thought there might have been time enough. With the mention of Derbyshire, there were many ideas connected. It was impossible for her to see the word without thinking of Pemberley and its owner.

“But surely,” said she, “I may enter his county with impunity, and rob it of a few petrified spars without his perceiving me.”

The period of expectation was now doubled. Four weeks were to pass away before her uncle and aunt’s arrival, and elizabeth set herself to enjoying them as best she could. There was much planning to be done already for Jane’s wedding, although the date was more than two months off, and this activity employed many of her idle hours. It was but a week until the beginning of her tour that Bingley mentioned to her in passing that he was anticipating a visit from Darcy.

This intelligence set her pulses aflutter both with excitement and trepidation, and it was with frustration that she eventually elicited from Bingley that his arrival was scheduled for the very day of her departure. The coincidence was such that she was forced to wonder if he had known of her trip when he made his plans to visit netherfield, but she could think of no way to ask Bingley if he had mentioned her itinerary to his friend. After many hours of agonizing over this question, she finally admitted to herself that she would have no means to answer it until her return—if he departed netherfield again prior to that, she could have no further doubt that he was avoiding her. The pain that this prospect gave her was considerable, and her pleasure in anticipating her tour was much diminished by these circumstances.

on the day before the Gardiners were due to reach Longbourn, the time 76

By FoRce oF InstInct

of Bingley’s usual arrival for his daily visit came and went. elizabeth was needed in attending to Jane’s anxiety for this unusual circumstance, while Kitty and Mary, after listening to Jane’s concerns over the accidents which might have befallen him for the third time, decided to seek their felicity elsewhere; Kitty with a visit to Maria Lucas, and Mary with a book in her room. elizabeth was hardly concerned, given the number of matters which might have delayed him, but obediently went to the window regularly to check if he was coming into sight. It was with no little anxiety that she saw on finally discovering his approach that he was accompanied by Mr.

Darcy.

The colour which had been driven from her face, returned for half a minute with an additional glow, and a smile of delight added lustre to her eyes, as she thought for that space of time, that his affection and wishes might still be unshaken. But she would not be secure.

“Let me first see how he behaves,” said she; “it will then be early enough for expectation.”

she sat intently at work, striving to be composed, and without daring to lift up her eyes. on the gentlemen’s appearing, her colour increased, and she ventured only one glance at Darcy. He looked serious as usual, but his gaze rested on her before being received by Mrs. Bennet with cold and ceremonious politeness. elizabeth blushed again for her mother’s lack of graces, knowing it would only confirm his view of her family.

Darcy, after enquiring of her how Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner did, said scarcely anything. He was not seated by her; perhaps that was the reason of his silence. several minutes elapsed without bringing the sound of his voice; but when occasionally, unable to resist the impulse of curiosity, she raised her eyes to his face, she found him looking at her thoughtfully. she could not begin to guess what was in his mind; his face betrayed no sign of either anger or tender feelings.