By Force of Instinct (4 page)

Darcy grew pale. “Miss Bennet,” he replied, his uneasiness causing him to take on an unintentionally haughty air, “I did not mean to imply anything of the sort.”

Finding his manner infuriating, she discovered that once opened, the wound would not close. “My uncle may have entertained Mr. Wordsworth himself, but of course, he is merely in
trade
and could not be expected to have such sensibilities. Is it not a
degradation
for you, Mr. Darcy, to even discuss this with me? What would your family think?” she caught her breath, horrified that she had uncontrollably poured out to him her injured feelings in such a manner. “Pray excuse me, Mr. Darcy!” Blindly, she moved past him, thinking only of escape.

Darcy, stunned by this unexpected attack, put out a hand to stop her flight. It had never occurred to him that she might feel wounded by what he saw as his factual recitation of the gulf between them. “Miss Bennet,”

he said, his voice pained, “It was never my intention to grieve you in any way.”

she looked up at his pale face. “Then you have gone about it in a most unusual way!” she was mortified to realize that her eyes were swimming with tears. “If you would be so kind as to release me, sir.”

He removed his hand from her arm instantly. “I shall trouble you no further, madam,” he said formally, cut to the quick by her sudden fury.
You
fool!
he raged to himself.
Did you learn nothing from that horrible night? She
wants nothing to do with you; how much clearer can she be?
The conclusion was as intolerable as ever.

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“Miss Bennet!” came Georgiana’s light tones from the doorway, causing both elizabeth and Darcy to immediately attempt to assume poses of ex-emplary propriety. even Georgiana could not be blind to the tension in the room as Darcy bowed silently and exited. However, as she could think of no possible source of disagreement between her brother and her new friend, she quickly dismissed the incident from her mind.

elizabeth could not forget it so easily—her sense of humiliation could not have been any greater than it was after her outburst at Darcy. It was dreadful enough that he thought those things of her; to have him know how much his scorn for her family disturbed her was worse. she was furious with herself for displaying her vulnerability to his criticism and could not begin to imagine what he must be thinking of her now. no sooner had she left rosings after her visit with Miss Darcy than she resolved that under no circumstances would she ever set foot there again. If she had to lay abed pleading illness until her departure for London, she would do so.

23

Chapter 2

the following day colonel Fitzwilliam paid a call to the parsonage and, finding elizabeth at home alone, persuaded her to walk out with him. elizabeth, whose spirits had been troubled by memories of her humiliating quarrel with Mr. Darcy, was pleased to accept the distraction.

“Will your family be staying long at rosings?” elizabeth had wondered more than once about the reason for the Derbys’ sudden descent on rosings.

“That is not clear; I believe they had only intended to stay a few days, but we are still no closer to a resolution than when they arrived,” he replied.

“A resolution?”

“yes, about Georgiana,” he said. At her puzzled look, he added, “I apologize; I assumed you had heard the tale, either from Georgiana or Darcy, if not Mr. collins.”

“no one has mentioned anything to me,” she said cautiously, unsure if she wished to be drawn any further into the issues of the Fitzwilliam family.

“Well, there is no harm in your knowing, I suppose. My parents have come to the conclusion that a single young man cannot provide the kind of home a girl Georgiana’s age needs, and they have offered—well, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that they have demanded—to bring her out themselves. of course, that is tantamount to taking her away from Darcy forever—he would have little say in her future or in choosing her future 24

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husband. However, Darcy is absolutely determined that she should remain in his care, and Georgiana has no interest in this new plan either. He is extremely devoted to her, you know. of course, Lady catherine’s solution is that Darcy should marry Anne immediately to provide a stable home for his sister. Darcy has spent years ignoring her hints and demands about Anne, but for some reason he decided this time to tell her that he was
not
going to marry Anne, now or ever.”

This explanation for Lady catherine’s displeasure with Darcy had never occurred to her. “But is this not a matter for you and Mr. Darcy to decide as her guardians?”

He sighed. “Legally, yes, but we do feel some sort of obligation to listen to the family. Darcy takes family loyalty very seriously—you may be certain that he would not choose to visit rosings each year if he did not! I hope it will be resolved soon, for his sake, if nothing else. This has troubled him even more than I would have anticipated.”

suspecting with a certain discomfort that the question at hand was not the sole cause of Darcy’s distress, elizabeth limited herself to saying, “That is unfortunate.”

“It was unfortunately done,” he responded with a frown. “Darcy has always done everything possible for his sister, and now my father is suggesting that his care for her was inadequate—it is no wonder he is perturbed.”

elizabeth’s curiosity was raised. “And what of you, sir? Are you in agreement with Lord Derby?”

“no, as I said, Darcy is a very devoted brother and guardian. It is only that, well, an incident involving Georgiana came to my parents’ attention, and the truth is that there was nothing Darcy or anyone else could have done to prevent it, but my father simply refuses to believe that,” he said with a sigh.

she felt a surprising moment of sympathy for Darcy—if the incident was, as she suspected, the intended elopement with Wickham, he would find it bitter indeed to be blamed for failing to prevent it completely. she saw an image of his white face after her outburst the previous day, and she could not help thinking that the timing could not have been worse for him, coming just after her refusal and accusations of cruelty to Wickham. Despite the tenor of his proposal, one could only assume that he would be feeling disappointment, and he was certainly entitled to injured feelings from her unjust accusations.
And then yesterday, I had to attack him again, when he
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Abigail Reynolds

was attempting to be civil under impossible circumstances,
she thought, not without pain.
He must think me most unfeeling, and he would without doubt
be within his rights!
An unhappy sense of shame filled her.

“Miss Bennet? Are you well?” asked a worried colonel Fitzwilliam, concerned by her long silence and troubled look.

elizabeth returned abruptly to the present. “I am quite well, thank you, sir; I was just thinking how difficult this must be for Mr. Darcy. she is all that remains of his family, is she not?” she hoped fervently that this explanation for her reaction would satisfy him.

“yes, she is.” colonel Fitzwilliam paused, then added with a worried look,

“I could wish that my father would be a bit more thoughtful of him. I do not believe that I have ever seen Darcy quite as unhappy as he has been these last few days.”

she winced, knowing that Lord Derby was not the only one who should have been more careful of Darcy’s feelings.
By the time this visit is ended, I
wonder whether there will be any part of my character that I find acceptable,
she thought bleakly.

The colonel continued, “It would be far simpler if he were to marry, but
that
is a subject in which he apparently has no interest.”

“Indeed,” murmured elizabeth, aware that her cheeks were staining with a slight blush.
At least this suggests that he is unaware of Mr. Darcy’s proposal,
she thought. With an air of mischief, she added, “I believe he is much pursued, though, by marriageable young ladies.”

colonel Fitzwilliam rolled his eyes. “It is quite embarrassing to see, Miss Bennet, how many women throw themselves in his way, saying nothing but what they believe he wishes to hear and flattering him shamelessly!”

“yet he remains unwed.” now that she felt secure in her secret, she could indulge her curiosity.

“sometimes I despair of Darcy ever finding a wife who would satisfy his exacting standards! Had I his opportunities, I should not be so difficult to please.” He said this with a sidelong glance at elizabeth, who coloured becomingly.

This is a complication that I certainly do not need,
she thought. Firmly returning the conversation to Darcy, she said, “His standards must be exacting indeed!”

“Very much so, I fear,” said the colonel ruefully. “It is frustrating to know 26

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that he can have any woman he pleases, yet will choose none.”

Unable to resist, elizabeth replied, “Assuming, of course, that the lady in question accepts him.”

He gave her a look of amused disbelief. “Why would any woman refuse him? Quite apart from his wealth and lineage, he is of good character, honest, generous, loyal to a fault, well-educated and intelligent. What more could a woman desire?”

“civility and good manners?” elizabeth said with an arch look, remembering that even Mr. Wickham had given Darcy credit for a similar set of virtues, but only among those he found his equals in consequence.

He laughed heartily. “It is true, Miss Bennet, Darcy will never be at ease among a crowd, and he will forever appear haughty and disdainful when he is feeling most painfully anxious. It is a fault, to be sure, but hardly a fatal one. But it was not my intention, Miss Bennet, to cloud such a lovely day with my family’s difficulties; let us find more pleasant matters to discuss than these.” He found elizabeth as eager for a change of subject as he, and the rest of the walk passed in a happier manner, although the previous topic of discussion continued to roil elizabeth’s spirits.

When Mr. collins returned from his daily visit to rosings, he bore the news that, to elizabeth’s chagrin, Lady catherine had invited them all to dinner the following evening, and had expressly mentioned her desire to see Miss Bennet there prior to her upcoming departure. elizabeth spent a brief time wondering whether she could manage to avoid the occasion by using the excuse of illness once more, but concluded grimly that Mr.

collins and charlotte would bear the burden of Lady catherine’s displeasure if she were to defy her will so far as to dare to be sick when she was specifically commanded to be at rosings. Therefore, to rosings she would go; and, through the remainder of the day, her mind rarely drifted from the question of how she should behave when faced once again with Mr.

Darcy. These same meditations at length closed her eyes that night; and, by the following day, she was no nearer resolution than when she had begun, but even more apprehensive.

she could not recall the last time she had been in low spirits for such a time as this. Her thoughts travelled from the unfeeling mode of his declaration to the pained look on his face when she had confronted him, to-27

Abigail Reynolds

gether with colonel Fitzwilliam’s more sympathetic portrayal of him. no matter how she tried to justify her behaviour, she could find no way to ex-culpate herself for causing him significant pain and distress, something she would have earlier found it hard to imagine him to be capable of feeling.

she had always known that she was not so tender-hearted as Jane, but to find herself so insensitive as to have completely neglected the effects of her refusal on Mr. Darcy was unpleasant. It rankled that his proud behaviour had led so directly to her humbling realization of her own failings, and there were moments when she could almost feel glad that he was suffering along with her. But her native sense of justice and fairness would not allow that sentiment to persist for long, and she kept returning to the knowledge of how greatly her perception had failed her in this instance. At length she resolved to do her best to meet him with civility and kindness as she would any other person she knew to be suffering, though she remained uncertain of her true ability in this regard.

she would have been startled to discover Darcy was facing a similar struggle. Her words from their more recent meeting had joined those of their ill-fated encounter in the parsonage in echoing constantly in his ears.

He kept seeing her face, bereft of its usual laughter, with her fine eyes filling with tears—tears
he
had caused. Until that moment, the thought that she might have been wounded rather than complimented by his addresses had never crossed his mind. He had realized with mortification that he could not recall any instance where he
had
been concerned for her sensibilities—it had never even occurred to him that she might be distressed over her sister’s abandonment by Bingley. He could not understand when he had become so unfeeling; he had always thought of himself as one who put a concern for others before his own, but strict self-examination was showing him that he applied this rule only to those people who were closest to him.

Had his disregard grown with each experience of a woman who made it clear that marriage to him would be her greatest achievement? Had he in fact come to believe that he was so much the centre of the universe as to honour anyone by the bestowal of his regard, no matter how insultingly given?

With these realizations came the painful knowledge that he was not in-vulnerable to elizabeth’s distress; her injury injured him as well. Although he could not admit complete dissatisfaction with the fact that, her words 28

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that night notwithstanding, she at least thought enough of his opinion to be affected by it, the vision of her tear-filled eyes left him with a pain in his chest and the beginnings of a self-loathing for the behaviour that had caused it. yet, at other moments his anger with her would once again overtake him, and he would remind himself that he had said nothing to her that was not true.