By Force of Instinct (5 page)

to these feelings was added yet one more kind—those generated by his knowledge that she would be leaving Kent in a few days, and that this dinner might well be the last time he was ever to lay eyes upon her. For every part of him that applauded the chance to flee the humiliation of her refusal and the pain of seeing her while knowing she would never be his, there were other parts which fought desperately against allowing her to slip completely out of his world. The thought of never seeing her again—her laughter, her liveliness, her natural grace and vivacity—left him with a profound feeling of emptiness.

The moment he had alternately been dreading and longing for finally came with the arrival of the Hunsford party. It was immediately obvious to him that elizabeth was quite subdued; this was the first time he had seen her in company when she was not at least making an effort toward displaying her usual vivacity. He caught her stealing a glance at him—was there a trace of warmth in that look, or was it only his wishes speaking? He felt a surprising wave of tenderness as she dropped her eyes again, allowing himself the pleasure of it for a moment before berating himself for falling into her wiles once again.

He took his old accustomed seat slightly away from her, from which he could see her clearly; he had avoided it since that night at Hunsford.

colonel Fitzwilliam as usual sat beside her, attempting to engage her in conversation. Darcy was too far away to hear her quiet responses, but was not displeased to see that she did not enter into the exchange in the animated manner she typically used with his cousin. He did not think he could bear to see her smiling at another man at the moment, and colonel Fitzwilliam’s open admiration of her had always been something of a thorn in his side. As if able to hear his thoughts, she glanced up at him again, looking away almost immediately.

Lady catherine observed after dinner that Miss Bennet seemed out of spirits, and immediately accounting for it herself by supposing that she did 29

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not like to go home again so soon, she added, “But if that is the case, you must write to your mother to beg that you may stay a little longer. Mrs.

collins will be very glad of your company, I am sure.”

“I am much obliged to your ladyship for your kind invitation,” replied elizabeth, thinking that staying any longer was beyond question the last thing she would desire, “but it is not in my power to accept it. I must be in town next saturday.”

“Why, at that rate, you will have been here only six weeks. I expected you to stay two months. I told Mrs. collins so before you came. There can be no occasion for your going so soon. Mrs. Bennet could certainly spare you for another fortnight.”

“But my father cannot.—He wrote last week to hurry my return.”

“oh! your father of course may spare you if your mother can.—Daughters are never of so much consequence to a father. And if you will stay another month complete, it will be in my power to take you as far as London, for I am going there early in June, for a week; and as Dawson does not object to the Barouche box, there will be very good room for you.”

“oh, please do stay a little longer, Miss Bennet!” exclaimed Miss Darcy.

“I would so enjoy your company.”

“As would we all,” seconded colonel Fitzwilliam warmly. “surely you could stay another fortnight, could you not?”

“you are all kindness; but I believe we must abide by our original plan.”

There is at least one person in the room who will not object to my departure,
she thought wryly.

“Why not stay, Miss Bennet? It would mean a great deal to Georgiana. I am sure that we could arrange your transportation.” elizabeth looked up in shock at the dark eyes of the speaker. He met her gaze with a level, serious look.

“I am expected in town on saturday,” she repeated her earlier assertion, her voice less strong in her confusion than she would have wished.
What
could be his purpose?
she thought frantically.

“surely another week could not make so great a difference,” he insisted, his tone neutral.

she was bewildered by his words. His expression did not speak of any desire for her company, and certainly he could hardly wish for her presence after all that had passed between them. Perhaps it was for his sister’s benefit, 30

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that she could have an escape from her aunt in elizabeth’s company. yes, that must be the explanation, she thought.

His steady gaze disconcerted her. she tried to find the words to form an objection, and found herself uncomfortably close to tears. In a moment of sheer cowardice, in fear that further discourse would cause her to lose her composure completely, she said quietly, “Very well, then, if Mrs. collins will have me, I will stay another week.”

she could not look at Mr. Darcy as she spoke, and fortunately Georgiana’s exclamations of delight covered what could otherwise have been a difficult moment. elizabeth gratefully seized the distraction.

Darcy’s gaze rested on her flushed cheeks as he wondered what mad impulse had caused him to encourage her to remain in Kent. Was he such a glutton for punishment that he needed further reminders of her scorn and dislike for him? tonight had been the first time that he had not felt pain and hostility radiating from her—was he so desperate as to take
that
as a positive sign?
Good God! What am I thinking? She has shown herself to
be everything I could have feared; prejudiced, lacking in basic courtesy, self-control, and decorum—I will not regret her, I will not!
An image came to him of elizabeth sitting with Georgiana at the piano-forte, cajoling a smile out of her despite her own apparent lack of spirits, and he closed his eyes in pain for a moment. When he opened them, it was to find Lady Derby’s quizzical gaze upon him, and he rolled his eyes in frustration at his brief loss of equanimity.

He wondered what elizabeth was thinking, what she had made of his request, and above all why she had acquiesced to it when she had refused all the others. Her expression provided no clue; although warm colour continued to reign in her cheeks, she appeared to be purposefully avoiding his gaze, turning her attention only to Georgiana and as required to Lady catherine.

Georgiana, delighted to have succeeded in her venture to obtain the continued presence of elizabeth in Kent, was nonetheless determined to avoid a repetition of her humiliation on the occasion of the previous visit of the Hunsford party. she asked of Lady catherine her permission to retire early, pleading a great fatigue. she thought to cast a reassuring glance at her brother, knowing his often irritating tendency to fret over her every move, but she found him gazing absently across the room, her request clearly not 31

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even entering his awareness. she felt a twinge of annoyance at his apparent disinterest.

Lady catherine allowed her to excuse herself, although not before a stern lecture on the dangers of overexerting herself during the day, with a quelling glare at Darcy as if he were somehow responsible for his sister’s fatigue.

shortly after Georgiana’s departure, colonel Fitzwilliam, in desperation for a diversion more pleasurable than the constant demands of his father and aunt, not to mention Darcy’s inexplicable dark silence, begged the pleasure of Miss Bennet’s appearance at the piano-forte once again.

Darcy observed her smiling acquiescence. suddenly it seemed intolerable to be forced to watch her once again laughing at colonel Fitzwilliam’s charm as they sat together at the instrument, and without forethought he found himself moving in that direction, taking the seat usually occupied by his cousin on these occasions.

“Mr. Darcy,” elizabeth murmured in surprise at his appearance, and hesitated a moment before seating herself at his side. she was troubled by his actions—he could easily have avoided this unnecessary closeness, and from the expression on his face, he was by no means delighted to find himself in this position.
If his intent is to cause me unease, he is certainly succeeding!

she thought dryly.

she made an effort to focus her attention on selecting from the sheet music available, as if she had not already inspected it sufficiently frequently so as to know it from memory. recalling with an effort her resolve to treat him with civil kindness despite her own feelings, she took several deep breaths before summoning her courage sufficiently to turn to him with a smile. “Well, sir, what shall it be? Haydn or Mozart?”

Darcy had not seen her turn such a look on him since that horrible night at the parsonage, and he found himself captivated by her lovely eyes.
How
would she react if I told her that I cared not what music she played, so long as
she continued to smile at me?
he wondered abstractly, knowing that he had no right—nor would he ever have the right—to say anything of the sort.

recognizing with a start that he had been silent too long, he hastened to express a preference for Mozart.

The scent of rosewater drifted past him, and he felt a wave of desire for her. It was truly unfair, he thought, that he should still find her so bewitching despite her behaviour towards him. His eyes lingered on her profile as 32

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she played, tracing along the lines of her tempting lips. He admired the slender, tapering fingers dancing across the keyboard and imagined them touching his face, stroking his arm, bringing him to one pleasure after another.

she glanced over at him when she neared the end of the page and found a serious look on his face. Brought back to the moment, he reached past her to turn the page. The painful exhilaration of her closeness could not be denied, and he ached for the relief only she could bring him, all the while knowing that his desires were never to be fulfilled. Unable to control himself, he allowed his arm to brush against hers, seemingly by accident, as he resumed his seat.

elizabeth was finding it nearly impossible to focus on her performance, and grew more anxious with each mistake she made. she was certain that Darcy was noting her errors and her discomposure, and redoubled her efforts to keep his presence from her mind, but with little success. The shock of sensation she felt when his sleeve touched her skin caused her to stumble in her playing, but she resisted the urge to glance in his direction to see if he had noted her confusion. By the time she came to the end of the piece, her cheeks were quite flushed. Without looking up, she sought out the simplest of the scores for her next effort.

Her rescue came from an unexpected source. Mr. collins announced,

“cousin elizabeth, although I applaud your musical talents as ever, it is time for us to depart this pleasant company.”

she looked up at Mr. collins in surprise; usually they stayed much later.

she noticed that he appeared flustered, and she quickly gathered up the music into a neat pile before joining him. she glanced at Darcy from under her lashes, but his expression was unreadable.

They had no sooner arrived at the parsonage after a cold adieu from Lady catherine when charlotte drew her aside from the others. “Lizzy,” she whispered. “I must caution you that her ladyship was quite displeased by Mr. Darcy’s attentions to you tonight. I beg you to be careful; her wrath could quite easily move from you to Mr. collins.”

“Mr. Darcy’s attentions to me? We barely spoke all evening!” elizabeth said defensively.

“yet his attention was focused on you all evening. Lizzy, I cannot claim to understand what is happening between the two of you, but I am not 33

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blind and, unfortunately, neither is her ladyship! I know he does not call here anymore, and I am no doubt happier not knowing if you are meeting clandestinely elsewhere, but you are playing a dangerous game, doing this under the eyes of his entire family. you must know they would not approve his interest in you.”

elizabeth could not help smiling at charlotte’s misinterpretation of Darcy’s recent absence from Hunsford. “charlotte, I assure you, you mistake my interest in this completely. Mr. Darcy does not call here anymore because he and I quarrelled, and I assure you that I am the last person whose company he would seek out. If you are sensing something between us, it is hostility, not affection.” Her final words left a bitter taste in her mouth.

“Lizzy,” charlotte said patiently, “I must believe the evidence of my own eyes. I know that you have never wished to acknowledge his interest, and I must respect that; but, for your own sake, I feel obliged to recommend that you take this courtship far away from his family, or you may risk being disappointed.”

slowly and clearly, elizabeth said with an edge to her voice, “There is no courtship, charlotte.”

Her friend looked at her, baffled. “Well, Lizzy, I know that there is no moving you when you have made up your mind; but, should you ever wish to speak of this, I hope you know that you may rely on my discretion.”

Impulsively elizabeth leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Dearest charlotte, I know that you are only looking out for my best interests, and I assure you that if there ever is anything to tell, I will tell you.”

charlotte was apparently correct concerning Lady catherine’s view of the matter; for, despite her earlier insistence on elizabeth’s remaining in Kent, there was a decided lack of invitations to rosings in the following days. elizabeth greeted every day of this reprieve with a guilty relief; she was bewildered not only by Darcy’s behaviour at their last meeting, but by her own reaction to it as well. she steadfastly refused Miss Darcy’s invitations to call and encouraged her instead to come to the parsonage.

one fine day when Miss Darcy called, elizabeth suggested walking out.

charlotte claimed that she could not be spared from her work, and Maria was not in the habit of walking, so the remaining two set off together. They followed the pathways into rosings Park, elizabeth making an effort to 34

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appear more in spirits than perhaps she felt.

They had not long been out when they spotted a gentleman at a distance.