By Force of Instinct (6 page)

Miss Darcy, immediately recognizing the form of her brother, insisted on going to meet him over elizabeth’s objections that he might not wish to be disturbed. A disturbance of a different sort was taking place inside her at the idea of encountering him, and she struggled for equanimity despite the fluttering of her pulses as they approached him.

He seemed surprised to see them, but agreed after only a brief hesitation to Georgiana’s suggestion that he join them. elizabeth looked away as he took his place between them. He inquired civilly after the collinses and, after receiving her none too articulate response, asked after her own plans, noting that it had been some time since he had seen her.

“I plan to depart for town on saturday, and I will be staying with my aunt and uncle for a week before returning home,” she replied, wondering if he were now eager to have her gone. she noted with amusement that he seemed no more at ease than she; when he spoke, his accent had none of its usual sedateness.

“your aunt and uncle live in London, then?” asked Georgiana, hoping for details which might permit her to continue her acquaintance with elizabeth.

“yes, they live in Gracechurch street, in cheapside,” said elizabeth, with a particular emphasis on the final word. she stole a sly glance at Darcy, to see how he bore it; he sustained it however with fortitude. Her teasing spirit could not help but to try him a little further. “They are very great favourites of mine; my sister Jane and I usually spend at least a month with them each year. My aunt is originally from Derbyshire, in fact, not far from Pemberley.”
But very, very far from it in rank,
she thought with amusement.

He has no idea how very low my connections can go.

“really!” exclaimed Georgiana. “Where is she from?”

elizabeth could hardly help laughing at so convenient a question; she could almost think that Georgiana was assisting her in tormenting her brother, but it was obvious that her interest was genuine. “I believe it to be quite near Pemberley, in fact; she was born in the town of Lambton. Her father was a tailor there.”
You shall see, sir, that
I
am not ashamed of such a
relation!
she thought.

she saw Georgiana glance up at Darcy in embarrassment as if seeking 35

Abigail Reynolds

assistance in finding a way to reply to such a startling assertion, but he did not seem to be attending to her, but rather was looking off into space with a somewhat preoccupied air. Feeling an odd disappointment at his lack of response, elizabeth began to wonder if he had in fact begun to put his affection for her to rest.

“It must have been quite a change for her to move to London,” ventured Georgiana at last.

“I believe it was a pleasant one; my aunt is a lady of great energy and has educated herself well beyond her means, and in London she has had far more opportunity to exercise her mind and spirit. she and my uncle are a very good match in that way.”

“This, then, must be the uncle who entertains Mr. Wordsworth and his friends,” said Darcy, re-entering the conversation at last with what could only be described as mild amusement.

elizabeth looked over at him, meeting his gaze squarely. “yes,” she said with a defiant air. “My uncle is fond of society, and he and my aunt have many interesting friends; for me, one delight of visiting them is always the calibre of conversation one finds there.”

If she thought that he would back down from her challenge, she was quite mistaken. “It sounds like quite a stimulating environment; I can imagine that it would be appealing to you, Miss Bennet. I find the idea of your participating in a discussion of Wordsworth a particularly intriguing one, since it strikes me that your minds are of a remarkably similar bent. I imagine the two of you more on the banks of the Wye than in a London parlour, though.”

elizabeth’s eyes widened at the startling familiarity of his address. Did he truly think of her while reading poetry? “I cannot speak to that, sir, though I believe it to be lovely country,” she said, surprised to find herself slightly breathless, despite the sedate pace of their walk. “I am fortunate in that I shall have the opportunity to travel to the Lakes this summer with my aunt and uncle, and to see it for myself.”

“I can easily picture you in Wordsworth’s country,” he said, feeling a pang at the idea of elizabeth having plans which did not involve him. It should be
his
place to take her to the Lakes,
his
should be the figure to stand beside her on the banks of the Wye. He somehow forced himself to continue. “I find in him a great believer in the inspiring force of nature. As 36

By FoRce oF InstInct

he says, ‘For nature then … to me was all in all.’” He paused for a moment as she took this in, then quoted,

… And I have felt

A presence that disturbs me with the joy

Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime

Of something far more deeply interfused,

Whose dwel ing is the light of setting suns,
And the round ocean and the living air,

And the blue sky, and in the mind of man;

A motion and a spirit, that impels

All thinking things, all objects of all thought,
And rol s through all things. Therefore am I still
A lover of the meadows and the woods,

And mountains; and of all that we behold

From this green earth; of all the mighty world
Of eye, and ear,—both what they half create,
And what perceive; well pleased to recognize
In nature and the language of the sense,

The anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse,
The guide, the guardian of my heart, and soul
Of all my moral being.

He stared off into space as he spoke simply but powerfully, but elizabeth knew his words were addressed directly to her. she could not help but be moved by the vision of this proud man thinking of her as he read, and by the image he had shared. she bit her lip, realizing how much of him she did not know, and how greatly she had misinterpreted him.

Georgiana, catching some of the intimacy of the moment, looked first at her brother, then at elizabeth, whose eyes were directed towards the ground, an abstracted look upon her face. Had she only heard their words, and been unable to see them, she would have thought it a romantic moment, but with both looking so distant and solemn, it did not seem to be such at all. she was completely baffled by his behaviour, and by the way in which elizabeth, who called the indomitable Lady catherine to account, seemed to be deferring to Darcy over some matter beyond her understanding.

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Abigail Reynolds

elizabeth felt ill-equipped to handle the feelings arising in her at that moment. she hardly knew what to say; yet, with each passing moment, the silence became heavier. Grasping at straws, she said, “His view of nature is an intensely personal one.”

“yes, very personal,” said Darcy slowly. “to me it seems that he sees it as a source of inspiration, and also of grounding in a world made complex by human interactions.”

Her cheeks lively with colour, elizabeth struggled with the recognition that his words carried more meanings than one. It was such that she almost wondered whether he was attempting to court her, using his sister’s presence to mask his intent.
And if he is
, her heart whispered,
how will you
accept it?

Darcy was himself even less certain of his own motivation for revealing so much of himself. It was not so much a conscious decision as a need to unburden himself of the thoughts and feelings that had haunted him for months and confess them to the only person who could offer him absolution. He was unsure whether it was an attempt to cause her to think better of him or, by airing his feelings in public, to bring them to a sort of closure.

He gave her a sidelong glance; it was apparent that she felt uncomfortable, but she did not appear distressed.
It is rather more than you deserve,
he told himself sternly.

elizabeth turned to Georgiana. “Are you fond of poetry as well, Miss Darcy?”

“not so much as Fitzwilliam, no; he has an interest in everything, while I am more devoted to music to the exclusion of everything else.” The sharp look she gave her brother indicated that this was a long-standing issue between the two, and indeed her tone seemed to indicate some scorn of his omnivorous taste.

elizabeth stole a sly look at Darcy, who seemed to bear his sister’s implied criticism well, even with a slight smile on his face, but she thought she detected that he was a bit offended. “Well, we need renaissance men as well as fine musicians,” she said equably. “I cannot claim to have a well-rounded mind; there are many subjects of which I know nothing, but I have yet to discover any learning which I regret having.”

she observed a warming of his smile at her words, which caused her pulses to flutter. embarrassed, she glanced away. Had she been able to 38

By FoRce oF InstInct

encounter his eye, she might have seen a certain awareness on his face that would have brought a blush to her cheeks; but, though she could not look, she could listen. He said, “no one who has met you could find anything lacking in your knowledge of the world, Miss Bennet.”

“I am relieved to know that I have managed to mislead you sufficiently as to the extent of my true ignorance, Mr. Darcy,” she said lightly, thinking that he knew all too well the extent of her ignorance and prejudice.

He heard the apology inherent in her words, and realized with a touch of surprise that he had already forgiven her for her harsh words and accusations. “you worry yourself unnecessarily,” he said gently, silently thanking Georgiana for her presence which was allowing them to have this conversation without active discord. “none of us is without faults which we would prefer to hide from the rest of the world.”

she risked a glance at him, but he seemed quite sincere; she wished that she knew precisely which faults he felt that he need apologize for. she felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, and realized she was glad it seemed that they were to be able to establish peace between themselves before saying their goodbyes.

Georgiana’s face was beginning to take on a sullen cast. she could tell that the others were talking around her and becoming increasingly oblivious to her presence, and she did not appreciate it; not only was she becoming increasingly intolerant of her brother’s unconsciously patronizing manner with her, she also had come to consider elizabeth to be her special friend, and she resented Darcy’s appropriation of her attention. “Well,” she said abruptly, deciding that she would rather do without elizabeth’s compan-ionship than to suffer this, “We are almost to rosings, and I find that I am becoming fatigued. Fitzwilliam, perhaps we should return to the house.”

“of course, Miss Darcy,” said elizabeth kindly, recalling herself to reality.

“I will bid you adieu, then; it is past time for me to return to the parsonage.”

And to spare myself the strain of continuing this conversation!
she thought, but not without a slight regret.

Darcy looked from Georgiana to elizabeth in painful indecision. In any other circumstance, he would have stopped everything to attend to his sister, but he was exceedingly loath to leave elizabeth when she seemed inclined to hear him out, with so much only partially resolved. yet could they continue their conversation without Georgiana’s presence providing 39

Abigail Reynolds

the safety of propriety to them both? He recalled that elizabeth would be leaving Kent in only a few days, and found that he had already taken his decision. “Let us all return to the house, then, and perhaps I may have the honour of escorting you back to the parsonage, Miss Bennet?” he said.

once Georgiana was safely, if somewhat irritably, ensconced at rosings, they walked on in complete silence, a strained silence rather than one of companionability. elizabeth thought several times to initiate a conversation to diffuse the tension, but fear over what Darcy might say if they were to speak held her back. Darcy was far too unsure of his wishes to feel prepared to communicate, or perhaps it would have been more accurate to say that those desires of which he was certain were those which he knew to be the least acceptable. He wanted her to smile at him, to tease him once again as she had earlier in Georgiana’s presence, and if he did not know what to
say
, he knew without a doubt what he wished to
do
, and it involved those tempting lips of hers. He could imagine the warmth of them against his …
Instead,
he told himself sternly,
you should remind yourself of your own
responsibility in taking the smile from her face in the first place!

The longer the silence persisted, the greater the sense of discomfort elizabeth felt. she began to run her hands through the leaves of the bushes beside the path to distract herself, but that immediately brought to mind his earlier comments about nature. she scolded herself for her nerves and forced herself to pause as she usually did under the branches of a late-blooming wild cherry. Leaning her head over a low hanging bough, she closed her eyes and calmed herself with the sweet scent.

she was completely unaware of the enchanting picture she presented, framed by snowy blossoms, a slight smile of pleasure touching her lips. The sight of her held Darcy rapt, and he involuntarily took a step toward her.

opening her eyes, she found his gaze upon her in a manner which caused her pulses to flutter. she had never looked so closely into his dark eyes, and she discovered that their depths had the power to trap her. In an effort to break the spell of the moment, she said the first thing that came to her mind. “The cherry blooms for such a brief moment each year that I can never deny myself the chance to enjoy it.”

His eyes seemed to grow even darker, and her breath caught in her throat.