By Force of Instinct (21 page)

when I am so unclear, and I do not like having to force Lizzy to accept Mr.

Darcy, and I most especially do not like recalling her behaviour!” He shook his head in disapproval.

“Well, my love, we can do nothing for it tonight,” his wife said practically.

“I shall observe Lizzy tomorrow with him, and perhaps I will find some new insight; but I must confess, Mr. Darcy does not seem to me to be a man capable of such dishonour and deceit.”

Mr. Gardiner sighed once more. “Perhaps you are right, my dear. I would not have thought so before tonight myself. But I confess that I would appreciate it if you would test the waters with Lizzy, if only for my own peace of mind.”

she smiled at him and held out her hand. “of course, my love.”

the following morning found elizabeth eagerly awaiting the promised visit from Mr. Darcy. she had awoken in a new state of happiness, feeling the dark clouds of the past weeks disappearing and a sense of hope for the future. When she thought of Darcy, it was with anticipation of the relief and pleasure she would feel when she saw that look in his dark eyes that he seemed to reserve only for her. His affectionate behaviour towards her at the end of the previous evening boded well for their future, she thought. While she did not forget the reservations which he must have regarding their marriage, she also knew that he would be too honourable to dwell on them, and would behave in every way as if this engagement was what he had most wished for. If only she could wipe the knowledge of it from her own mind! But it was not in her power to disregard such a matter; it was all she could do to resolve to give him as few regrets as possible in her own behaviour towards him, and to hope that someday his affection for her would outweigh the negative consequences to him of their marriage.

certain of her less proper feelings for him created greater confusion. Any regrets she might have had for her reckless behaviour in accepting his kisses seemed to have no impact whatsoever on the desire she felt for his touch, even in his absence. Her mind kept replaying the sensation of being in his arms, with his lips upon hers, and she could not deny in her innermost being how greatly she longed to feel his body against hers again. Well aware of the impropriety and shamefulness of these feelings, she struggled against them, but half-heartedly, knowing her cause to be hopeless. she could not 127

Abigail Reynolds

feel happy about herself, though, not only for her own failure, but for disappointing her aunt and uncle; after an extensive chastisement for her behaviour by Mr. Gardiner, followed by a lecture from her aunt on the dangers of loss of reputation, she was even less inclined to forgive herself.

she had attempted to write a letter to her father the previous night, endeavouring to the best of her ability to explain her change in sentiment toward Mr. Darcy but, after discarding several drafts, decided that it would be best to wait until she could speak to him directly. she knew that Mr.

Bennet would be mystified and worried, and that it should be through her means, that she, his favourite child, should be distressing him by her choice, should be filling him with fears and regrets in disposing of her, was a wretched reflection.

she brushed aside these thoughts when she heard a knock on the front door. colour rose in her cheeks as the maid announced Mr. Darcy. As elizabeth rose to greet him, she saw his eyes envelop her possessively before he turned to greet Mrs. Gardiner. she felt a surge of warmth inside her at his presence. As he seated himself beside her, she considered with some embarrassment that it might take some time to accustom herself to accepting his open interest in her after so many months of attempting to disguise any connection between them. He made civil inquiries after Mr.

Gardiner and the children, and Mrs. Gardiner thanked him again for his hospitality the previous day, reiterating how much she had enjoyed meeting Mr. edwards. After this, however, the conversation seemed to languish.

elizabeth glanced at Darcy anxiously, but his countenance was difficult to read. she was able to fill the silence by beginning a discussion of a play she had seen with the Gardiners, but could not help worrying what might be troubling him given the degree of difference from his openness of manner and warmth of the previous evening. she attempted to draw him out with some teasing and was reassured to see his positive response.

It was not long, however, before the strain of carrying the burden of the conversation began to tell on elizabeth. she knew that Darcy might be comfortable sitting in silence, but she was not, especially while under the scrutiny of her aunt. Finally she suggested walking out; and, after receiving Darcy’s agreement, the two set forth up the hill to Bishopsgate towards Moorfields.

she thought that Darcy seemed somewhat more at ease once they were 128

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on their own, but his countenance still bespoke preoccupation. elizabeth was beginning to feel with a degree of hurt as if this were a duty visit for him rather than a pleasure, and she wished that she knew better how to take a sense of him.
It is unfortunate that so many of our encounters have
been either conflictual or improper, and sometimes both,
she thought with a philosophical humour.
It does not leave us with much experience of how to
conduct an everyday conversation.

They had walked some time in silence, elizabeth acutely aware of the warmth of his arm under her hand, while she formed a desperate resolution.

“I am a very direct soul, sir; and, if there is a reason that you are discontented with me, I would prefer to be told of it than to be left to conjecture,”

she said.

He looked down at her in surprise. “not in the slightest, Miss Bennet—elizabeth,” he said, his voice softening as he spoke her name. “I apologize if my behaviour has led you to think otherwise.”

she felt a rush of relief, and turned a lively smile on him. “I am glad to know it was my misapprehension, then.”

The brightness of her eyes had a distinct effect upon Darcy, and he drew her slightly closer as the only satisfaction he could obtain at the moment.

The limitations placed on his contact with her were frustrating in the extreme; his desire to take possession of her lips had haunted him all day.

He was not displeased to notice her colour rising as she interpreted his intent. turning his eyes forward to reduce temptation, he said, “I assure you, elizabeth, there is nothing about you that displeases me in the slightest.”

The manner in which he spoke made her feel a rush of happiness. she had little doubt as to where his thoughts tended, and in an effort to reduce her own awareness of his proximity, said, “your sister seemed well last night; I was sorry not to have the opportunity to hear her play. Has she continued to make good progress in her music?”

Darcy frowned at the mention of Georgiana. “yes, she has,” he said shortly.

elizabeth was puzzled by the rapid change in his demeanour.
Did my
words disturb him somehow?
she wondered, baffled as to any way to misinterpret her polite enquiry. she felt stirrings of discontent with his seemingly mercurial changes in mood and his reticence, realizing how little she in truth knew of him.

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He sensed her withdrawal, and guessing at its cause, unbent slightly.

“While my sister does quite well with her music, I must admit that I am not completely pleased with her behaviour in other regards.”

“Ah,” she said, recollecting Georgiana’s hostile manner towards him the previous night. “she is at a rather trying age; certainly I have seen difficulties enough with my sisters: too old to be a child, too young to be a woman.”

Her thoughts were driven back to Lydia, whose behaviour at that age was to have such lasting consequences for her, and if she might judge from his complexion, his mind was not very differently engaged. she could not think on it without recalling his part in the matter and the obligation she felt toward him on behalf of her family. she flushed, feeling the discomfort of being so much in his debt that it could never be repaid, and knowing that he was taking on as well the additional burden of being so allied to her family despite the disgraceful connection.

she knew that the issue must be addressed at some point; and, not one to avoid what must be faced, she resolved to speak on it immediately. she fixed her eyes ahead of her, not wishing to see his expression as she spoke.

“you are not the only one with a sister at a difficult age, and I must thank you, sir, for your unexampled kindness to
my
poor sister. Were it known to the rest of my family, I should not have merely my own gratitude to express.”

Darcy frowned; he had not wished her to feel under an obligation to him that would cause him to question her reasons for accepting him. “I am sorry, exceedingly sorry,” he replied in a tone of surprise and emotion,

“that you have ever been informed of what may, in a mistaken light, have given you uneasiness.”

“My uncle told me last night of your generosity; he seemed under the impression that I was already aware of it. But let me thank you again and again, in the name of all my family, for that generous compassion which induced you to take so much trouble, and bear so many mortifications, for the sake of discovering them.”

He could sense her discomfort with the situation, but was unsure how best to address it, finally resolving upon directness as his best solution. He stopped, causing her to turn to face him, and said gently, “If you
will
thank me, let it be for yourself alone. That the wish of giving happiness to you might add force to the other inducements which led me on, I shall not at-130

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tempt to deny. But your
family
owe me nothing. Much as I respect them, I believe I thought only of
you
.”

she hardly knew what to say; these were the first words of tenderness he had addressed directly to her since that night in the Hunsford parsonage, and the tone of these, far less hurried and with a completely different sort of earnestness, moved her more than she would have expected. Her eyes met his to discover a depth of emotion that bespoke the travail he had passed through on his journey to this point, and she could not help but feel somehow inadequate to the moment. she tightened her hand on his arm lightly and said, “Then
I
thank you, sir.” she knew as she spoke the words that her gratitude was not simply for his rescue of her sister, but also for having loved her well enough to forgive her all the bitterness of her refusal at Hunsford.

He dropped his voice, although none of the families or strollers enjoying the pleasant day were attending to the couple stopped in the pathway. “you need not be so formal when you speak to me, elizabeth,” he said, and his tone, inviting intimacy, sent shivers through her.

she strove to lighten the moment with a teasing smile. “Very well, Fitzwilliam,” she said, tasting the sound of his name on her tongue.

His eyes darkened, and she felt dizzy as she looked into them. The tension grew for a moment, and then he said, “Is there no place for us to steal a moment to ourselves?”

elizabeth was certain that she knew quite wel what such privacy would involve, and was momentarily thankful that the difficulty of achieving it precluded the necessity to determine whether she was capable of resisting the temptation. “I am sorry to say that I know of none. My uncle, I fear, does not trust us,” she said with rueful humour, “not without reason, I might add.”

“Damn your uncle,” he swore, failing to find any amusement in the situation at the moment. “Will he prevent us from ever being alone, do you think?”

elizabeth’s smile betrayed her sympathy. “I fear he will. There are certain lapses which he will not forgive, as, I expect, might be true for you as well were you to find yourself in a similar position.”

“your point is well taken, but I am
not
in a similar position,” he said, lowering his voice to a whisper. “I am in the position of a man desperate to taste your kisses again, elizabeth.”

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Her eyes widened in shock at his frankness on such a forbidden subject, her body stirred against her will by his daring. For a moment she wanted nothing more than to have him meet her needs, and her eyes betrayed her to him. In an effort to distract herself from her own response, she said lightly, “sir, you are very forward.”

“By heaven you are certainly a temptation, elizabeth,” he said with unmistakable depth of feeling. “Have you an idea yet of when you will be returning to Longbourn?” His voice clearly suggested that he saw more opportunity for them there.

elizabeth had considered this question at length the previous night, though not in this particular context; she had intended to stay in London another month altogether, but felt that the current circumstances called for an earlier return. However, in a realization somewhat galling to her independent spirit, she had acknowledged that the decision was not hers to make. “My plans are not fixed; I am at your convenience, sir.”

Darcy had never heard such deferential words from elizabeth, and something in her tone alerted him. “I fail to follow your meaning,” he said.

she sighed, feeling all the difficulties inherent in her situation of moving from the sometimes erratic authority of her father to that of a man accustomed to ready obedience. Without meeting his eye, she said, “you had spoken yesterday of planning to announce our engagement immediately.

I realize that it is likely to cause a stir in certain circles; it struck me that you might have preferences regarding my availability to meet the social demands that are certain to follow.”

“And do
you
have a preference in the matter?” he asked with discomfort and dissatisfaction, feeling the distance between them returning after the intimacy of their earlier moments.

“I would prefer to return home, and to allow the furore in London to pass,” she admitted somewhat hesitantly. “But I recognize that it may not be practicable.”