Chasing Jenna (13 page)

He kissed the top of my head, again whispering, “Okay.” He released me and my hands fell to my sides as I watched him walk away. Shame crept back in.

>CHAPTER FOURTEEN <

My head pounded. I’d spent the last two weeks learning what it really meant to be sponsored. Things had been so crazy since I accepted the sponsorship nomination from Cale. There’d been classes for myself and all the other prospective sponsored girls. It may have been easier if I could’ve bonded with the others, but because there were only four slots available and twelve girls vying for them, interaction was not recommended or encouraged. It was a competition, and they made sure to remind us of that every chance they got, making it a very lonely process.

Nolan Mcguire taught the classes and they were miserable. There was table etiquette, proper English, conversation etiquette, written letter etiquette and a whole bunch of other
etiquettes
I had never heard of before. He made it very clear that being sponsored by one of the brothers made us a representative of the house by proxy. It was his job, as the Marshall of the house, to make sure we represented it well.

The worst part was, it became even more obvious, being me was not going to be good enough. I needed to change everything. The last thing I wanted to do was make Cale look bad, but this shit was hard.

With all the sponsoring classes, finding time to spend with Katie was nearly impossible. Cale insisted that we have dinner together every night so we could review the things I’d learned that day. Then there was studying at night with Ryan who, except for today, had been acting weird since our night on the bridge. And dealing with my mom, who thought she needed nightly updates on my sponsoring status – my life had been turned upside down.

“I’m done! I can’t do this anymore,” I whined as I pushed my “Cale gifted” laptop to the side and rolled over, hiding my face in the back of the couch. It was Saturday and Ryan and I had been studying most of the day. “I hate this stupid class anyway.”

Ryan laid flat on his back in front of the couch. He’d been down there for the last few hours, rolling around on the ground as we tried to study. He said it helped him think better.

He let out a small sarcastic laugh.

“What are you laughing about?”

“We have been studying for 6 hours and I don’t feel like I know any more than when we started.” He giggled a very unmanly giggle.

“You giggle like a girl; and why does that make you laugh? This is serious stuff Ryan. Do you want to fail?”

His laughter started to build and he rolled toward the couch.

“If you would pay attention and stop acting like an ass we could get back to work.”

I wanted to be serious, but watching him laugh was contagious. A smile started to spread across my face and he spotted it right away, pointing at me and laughing even harder.

“No, stop it!” I scolded. “This is not funny.”

Before I knew it, I was laughing along with him. It wasn’t long before it morphed into a crazy, out of control, ‘I have finally lost it,’ laugh. I tried to calm myself down. I took some deep breaths and even got off the couch to pace, shaking my hands – thinking that in some way it would help stop the laughing – but I couldn’t keep it together.

I continued laughing – having not slept in days I was ready to forget about all of it. This mess that had become my life was ridiculous. I fell back onto the couch in another failed attempt to regain some control. But every time I did, Ryan would start all over again.

“Stop,” I snorted, just before another wave of hysterics rolled through me. I reached over the side of the couch, grabbed a handful of his shirt – twisting it, and pulling him closer to me. “Please. I. can’t. Breathe.” I begged. He pulled me to the floor next to him – I landed with a thud. I was stunned silent but it made him laugh even harder.

“That hurt, you jerk.” I made a sad attempt to hit him on the chest; he grabbed my arm and held it tight, so I couldn’t try again. We lay on the floor, trying to catch our breath as the memory of what was so funny faded.

His hold on my arm lessened. I rolled up next to him, my body fit perfectly to his. He had become important to me in the last few months. We spent as much time as we could together. He was: my study partner, my stress reliever, my oasis – my best friend. He stared at the ceiling, looking relaxed and rubbing my arm lightly; leaving goose bumps wherever he touched.

“How do you do that?” I asked.

“What?”

“Make all the craziness melt away.”

He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it quickly. “There isn’t anything,” he laughed, as he swept his hand in the air over me, “that can make all this craziness go away.” I hit him on the chest – again.

“Woman, I swear, you are too much to handle sometimes.” His big smile reached all the way to his blue eyes.

I sighed. “I’m trying to be serious with you right now.”

“Oh no.” He covered his eyes with the palms of his hands. “We’re about to have another girl talk aren’t we?”

“Yep.”

He rolled over onto his side and propped his head on his hand. “Okay, tell me; what do you mean?”

“Just … everything with the sponsoring classes. I had no idea what I was in for. Nolan is telling me I’ve got to change everything about myself.”

He grunted and scrunched his face. “What do you mean? You’re perfect.”

“No really, he says I talk wrong, I walk wrong, I need to work on my manners, and a whole bunch of other shit. I wish I could just quit.”

The room was silent. His expression seemed to harden, the smile was gone.

He sat up and I groaned at him, because that meant I had to move too. “You can’t quit.”

“Why? What do you mean I can’t?”

“Don’t even try to. I mean it. You cannot quit.” His voice had a sharp edge to it. It surprised me, and pissed me off.

I glared at him, “What’s your problem? I didn’t say I was going to quit. I just said sometimes I would like to.”

“This is big stuff, important stuff. You’re acting like it’s no big deal Jen. If you quit, you’ll make Cale look like an idiot. And you’ll upset a lot of important people.”

I stood up, continuing my glare. “Important to whom? I’m not going to quit, I already told you that. I was just trying to share with you how stressful this is. And I don’t really care who I piss off. There are a thousand other girls at this school. Can’t he pick one of them?”

He reached up to grab my hand but I pulled it away. He was instantly on his feet. “Hey, I’m sorry, okay? But you really need to think before you speak sometimes.” he said softly.

“No, Ryan, it’s not okay. I thought you were a real friend and now there are things I need to change for you too? I didn’t realize I needed to censor what I told you. I guess I’ll just add it to my list.” Shrugging my shoulders as I spoke, “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I don’t care what you, my mom or Cale says. If I want to quit, I am going to quit.”

He tilted his head and shrugged back at me, “Okay, quit.”

I was stunned. What the hell kind of game was he playing? “What? You just said I couldn’t quit. Now you’re saying the opposite.” I grabbed at each side of my hair. “Ugh! And guys are always talking about how confusing girls are.” I started pacing back and forth.

“Girls
are
confusing Jen, especially you.” He put his hands up between us in a surrendering way when I whipped my head in his direction. “Now hold on and hear me out.”

I pushed my finger up against his chest. “Screw you, Ryan. I’m so sick of all of this. I’m tired of everyone telling me what I can and can’t do. Everyone thinks they know what’s best for me. Where have you been my whole life when no one has given two shits if I was okay? No one came to my rescue when I lay in my bed at eight years old, crying myself to sleep. Or when I was fourteen, in the emergency room, alone with a broken arm because my mom thought it would look less suspicious if she stayed at home with
him
instead of going with me. How about after my graduation ceremony, when everyone else was going to their own party and I was going to work? No one ever rescued me then – not ever. Why do you think I need it now? I’ve done just fine without any of you up until now, and I’ll be just fine without any of you from here on out.” I turned to grab the door handle.

His hand was over mine before I could get it open. He leaned his chest against my back, pushing me up against the door.

"I won’t let you run this time.” I fought against his body weight pressing against me.

“Get off me.” I knew there was no way to fight him, but that wasn’t going to stop me. I arched my back and pushed away from the door. He snaked his other arm around my waist as he spoke into my ear. “Hold on, let me talk to you.” His warm breath spread across my skin.

“Get off me.” I growled, fighting against his grip.

“You’re okay.” He whispered. I grabbed at his hand, trying to pry it away from me. I twisted and pushed against his hold. He continued to whisper softly in my ear. “I’m here, I’m not going to let go.”

Panic took over and I pounded on the door, yelling against the tightness in my throat, tears streaming down my face.

“No one came before … no one rescued me then.” Didn’t he know I needed to get away from here? I needed to be invisible. I thought he knew these things, I thought he understood. Finally I couldn’t physically do it anymore. No one was coming to help me now either … no one ever came. Defeated, I dropped my head back against his chest, the sobs overpowering me.

He kept his hold on me but dropped his face to the bend of my neck. I cried out every tear I had ever held in. Tears for the little girl I’d never been allowed to be – for the all the times I had been lonely and afraid. I cried for all the times I should’ve told someone, anyone, but didn’t because of fear. I cried for my mom, who never felt good enough for anyone either, and for the life I didn’t want to live – but seemed destined to have. The tears had stopped, but my body continued to shake from the after effects. I took several deep breaths to steady myself.

“I would have,” he whispered.

I drew in a ragged breath. “You would have what?”

“I would’ve come for you – I would’ve rescued you.” He spoke in a breathy, broken voice. My heart swelled with emotion. I laid my forehead on the door and he held me up. The fight was gone. I believed him; he had rescued me in so many ways already.

When I felt I could finally stand on my own, he loosened his grip. I took hold of the hand around my waist, and moved it away from my body. He placed it on the door next to my head and lifted his weight just enough that I could turn and face him. His head hung down – I raised his face so I could see his eyes. My heart broke into a thousand pieces to see the trails of tears. Tears for a Jenna he’d never known. I traced a finger down his cheek as I leaned back against the door. I couldn’t stand the fact that I had put that look on his face. The only thing I was good at was ruining everything.

His lips parted slightly, but then closed again. “What is it?” I whispered. He hesitated, but then reached out, wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned into me.

My body reacted to him with instant desire. He leaned in close enough that our lips could almost touch. His look was desperate and needy. I could feel his heart beating against my chest. I ran my fingernails softly up his back, making him pull me even closer.

“I’m going to kiss you now.” His voice was low and raspy. “I know there are a million reasons why I shouldn’t, but I don’t care. I’m going to kiss you like you’re mine, like you belong to me. Are you ready, Jenna?”

His eyes stayed on mine until the very last second. I closed my eyes when the delicate touch of his lips joined with mine. Every wall inside of me shattered for him. His lips moved slowly at first and then with more need. I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to get him even closer. His tongue teased my lips and I instantly opened up for him. He groaned as he grabbed both sides of my face and kissed me even more deeply, claiming every bit of me. Ryan was the healing that I had desperately searched for my entire life. He was my acceptance, my shelter from the fear. Everything else was lost to me but him. It was suddenly so clear; he was all I wanted, all I needed. It had always been him.

His kisses began to lighten so I tightened my grip, afraid to let go. His weight lessened against me, and my heart began to panic. He stepped back, putting some distance between us. I was breathless and broken without his touch.

“If you were mine, that’s how you’d feel all the time–safe, wanted, loved…” He reached out and ran his fingers down my cheek, “... perfect the way you are.”

He backed away from me, “But we can’t do this anymore, I mean … I can’t do it.”

He ran his hand over his mouth and I felt a tear escape. He was wiping away the feeling of my lips on his. It was too much for him, I could tell. This had been a mistake for him.

He turned away from me and crouched down to grab his bag. He stayed there, with his head hung down. As he stood, I moved away from the door and my fingers touched his back. He stiffened at my already unwelcomed touch.

“Wait.” I pleaded. “Can we talk about this? I need you … I need us.”

His shoulders rose and fell slowly and then he turned toward me. “No. There can’t be an ‘us' Jen.”

I took a small step back, my heart trembled in my chest, my head racing back to just minutes ago.

“But, why?”

“Because, you’re already his.” His eyes fell to the ground as he stepped around me and toward the door.

“No, no I’m not.” I grabbed his arm as he passed. He looked down at me. “I’m not.” I reassured him.

He gently moved a strand of hair from my face. “Yes you are. From the moment you said yes to sponsoring, you became his.” He leaned down and placed a kiss on my forehead. It felt final and my world tilted.

“No, I won’t let you leave.” I ran around him and stood in front of the door. “Not after …”I whispered as my fingertips touched my lips.

He watched me, his eyes sad. “You have to let go of me.”

I stood my ground, shaking my head.