Chasing Jenna (12 page)

Each blink of my eyes lasted longer and longer. Soon, the heaviness would make it impossible to open them. I prayed I would pass out. I was no stranger to this, but this time – I wasn’t sure I wanted to wake up. I relaxed and called to the nothingness to take my pain, take my doubts…take me.

The noise around me spun
,
a twisted vacuum of sound, fading in and out each time I opened and closed my eyes. My eye lids continued to get heavier and heavier.

“Jenna!”

I forced my eyes open but everything was lost in the rain. I let them close again.

“Jenna! What the hell are you doing out here?”

I felt … weightless … I was floating. This happened sometimes. I smiled as numbness took over…I liked this part.

I forced my eyes open one last time, “Ryan?” I whispered.

“Keep your damn eyes open, Jen. I mean it, don’t close them again.” He crossed the street with me in his arms, opened the car door and placed me inside.

Once out of the rain, the cold took over. A wave of tremors attacked my body as I held onto myself tightly. My toes and fingertips ached as streams of water ran down my face.

I struggled with the fogginess in my mind. It often took some time to think clearly again. There was nothing I could do about it. I barely registered the driver’s side door opening. He turned the heater on high. “You’re freezing.” His voice was a mixture of frustration and concern.

He maneuvered his car off the road and into a roadside park near the river. In a frenzy, he reached behind my seat and pulled out a gym bag.

“You need to get out of those wet clothes. My workout stuff will be huge on you, but it’s better than freezing to death.”

I laid my head back against the headrest, fighting to make my teeth stop chattering, and watched him. He frantically dug around his bag and pulled out a sweatshirt and a small towel.

His blue eyes met mine. His voice barely a whisper, “Jenna, please.”

Even the slightest movement was painful – my mind too clouded to fight against the pain. All I could do was stare into his eyes.

His large hand cupped my chin, hesitantly dabbing the rain from my face. I closed my eyes, fighting the tears that threatened to spill out. He paused for a second, but then continued, moving the towel from my cheek, gently down my neck.

I almost opened my eyes, but shame stopped me. I couldn’t look at him. Shame was an emotion that tore you down. It ripped to shreds the dreams of who you wanted to be, and made you believe other people saw you as disposable. Ryan had seen almost every fault I had, and never asked questions. He never needed explanations. But this was the first time I couldn’t hide the shame of who I was. He had seen it, all of it. After this, I would be disposable to him. I wasn’t ready to see that.

I felt a light tug on the zipper of my hoodie. He slipped the wet fabric down and slowly wiped my shoulders dry.

“Jenna, you need to take this off and your tank top too”.

I nodded my head and opened my eyes.

He was just as wet as I was. Droplets fell from his hair onto his flushed cheeks. He reached out toward me, intending to stop rain water from falling onto the areas he has already dried, but I gently stopped him. I wrapped my hand around his wrist and took the towel from him.

There was a split second I thought he was going to resist me. But his body relaxed as his eyes searched back and forth between mine.

I ran my hand up the back of his neck, and through his wet hair, leaving my hand intertwined in there. I laid the towel against his temple, looking one more time into his eyes for permission. Slowly, I moved the towel along his hairline, following it all the way to the back of his neck.

A droplet of water hung off of his lip. I moved the towel over his mouth, lightly wiping the soft skin dry. I lowered the towel, looking away from him.

“Thank you,” he mumbled and handed me his sweatshirt. He turned away in his seat while I slipped off my hoodie and tank and put on his huge sweatshirt.

“There’s a pair of sweatpants in there too.”

“Okay,” I whispered. I drew my feet up onto the seat and all of the extra clothing draped around me. He let out a strained laugh. “You look even smaller in my clothes.”

I forced a smile and nodded my head. A strange buzzing noise went off inside of the car. Ryan made a face as he reached inside his pocket. “That wasn’t me. I thought you said you didn’t have a cell?” he asked.

“I just got it tonight.” I dug through the pile of wet clothes that were on the car floor and found my new phone. A tinge of guilt hit when I realized how poorly I was already taking care of it. The screen lit up with Cale’s name.

“Press on his name.” Ryan said. I followed his direction and read the text.

“What are you doing?”

I shoved the phone under my leg. I didn’t know how to reply to him and right now I didn’t want to. I still had a lot of thinking to do. Ryan gave me a sly smile and cleared his throat.

“Are you going to tell me how you got all the way out here and why you were trying to freeze yourself to death?”

I didn’t know how to sort it out for myself; I certainly couldn’t do it for someone else. It was none of his business why I was out there anyway. Defensively I snapped, “I could ask you the same question. What are you doing out here, stalking me?”

I instantly knew that was the wrong attitude to take but I’d already thrown it out there.

“No, I work out in a gym in the city and I was heading there, until I saw a pretty little, suicidal girl sitting on a bridge.”

Well, shit … he had a valid reason.

“Do you have any idea how close those cars were coming to you? If you had passed out, you may have fallen into traffic and then …” A buzz came from under my leg. I reached for it and pushed on Cale’s name again.

“
Where are you at?”

I tucked it back under my leg and turned toward Ryan.

“Where did you get the phone?” he asked in a calmer voice.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. For some reason I didn’t want to tell him.

“Did you steal it?”

“What? No!”

“Okay, just checking. You’re a little out of your element here. I thought maybe there was some sort of ‘Shady Jenna’ hiding inside there that likes to hang out in the bad parts of town and steal cell phones.” He flashed me a smile.

He had no idea how many versions of “Jenna” had been thrown around tonight.

“Cale gave it to me,” I said.

“I’m guessing the sponsoring thing went well then?”

“Yep.” I said, drawing out the word in a sarcastic tone. I sounded like my mother.

“What does that mean?”

I jumped as another buzzing went off under my leg.

“
I am worried; please tell me where you are”

Emotions started to swirl like a hurricane inside me. I knew I was at risk of having another full-on anxiety attack if I didn’t work this out. I began to shake again and Ryan reached for the heater. I gently laid my hand on his. My voice was low, “I’m not shaking because I’m cold.”

“Okay ...” It wasn’t a statement; it was a question needing more information. We dropped our hands but I kept hold of his. I was going to need something to ground me through all of this.

“My dad left as soon as he found out that my mom was pregnant.”

He didn’t speak, but gripped my hand tighter, encouraging me.

“It was just me and my mom. She was lonely.” My heart started racing as I realized what I was about to share with him.

“She had a lot of guys in and out of our apartment. Some stuck around for a while, some for one night.” I took a deep breath and continued. “Every time one of them would leave, she would talk about how he wasn’t her Prince. Then we would watch love stories on TV, and read the entire princess book series over and over again … until another guy showed up. Every time I would meet one she would say, ‘
I think this is the one, Jenna. I think this is the opportunity we’ve been waiting for’
.”

A look crossed his face as he realized where I was going with all of this. “Jenna, I…”

“Wait, please hear me out. As I grew up, while more men came in and out, I found out the hard way that desperate people have a way of letting evil in. And that’s what she did. She let evil men into our lives Ryan, all in hopes that he might be the one, an opportunity out of her shitty life.”

I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat and squeezed his hand tighter.

“There were a lot of men out there that wanted my mom, but not me.” He turned in his seat so he was facing me.

“Let’s just say I had a lot of accidents as a kid, lots of black eyes and bruised ribs.” I glanced up at him but his eyes were focused on our hands; he shook his head and he raked his teeth over his bottom lip.

“The reason I freaked out about that fight was because in my life – when I was that close to violence – I was the one getting hit.”

He reached out and grabbed me around the shoulders, crushing his chest against me.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that,” he whispered into my hair.

I gasped, “Can’t really breathe,” I choked out.

He released me quickly, “Oops, sorry.” We both laughed awkwardly and it felt okay, like telling him my life’s secrets was the right thing to do. I leaned back into my seat, a little more at ease.

“Honestly, I was kind of shocked that I reacted that way. I think when I got here, I wanted everything to be so different. I clouded myself in a false sense of safety. I need to remember that I’m not really safe anywhere.”

Ryan reached over and squeezed my knee. “You’re safe with me, Jenna. I can promise you that.”

My phone buzzed again.

“
Katie said you went out for a walk 2 hours ago and she hasn’t heard from you. TEXT ME BACK AND LET ME KNOW YOU ARE OKAY! OR CALL, PLEASE!”

Holding the phone tightly in my hands, I stared at the screen. “Tonight my mom called him my ‘opportunity’. What if I’m letting something into my life out of desperation and I can’t see it for what it is?”

He reached out and covered my hands with his, blocking my view of the screen. “Whoa, wait right there. First of all, you are not your mother. I’ve never met her, but it sounds to me like she was very confused on what the first rule of parenting is. Even I know you protect your children at all cost.”

“It’s not like that ...”

“Don’t defend her to me Jen, not right now. Not after what you just told me. Maybe somewhere down the road, I can listen to you tell me that she was a good mom, but not now.”

I nodded at him.

“And secondly, Cale is not those guys. He’s good and has a big heart. He obviously has feelings for you because he hasn’t been able to stop talking about you since you met.”

The phone buzzed again.

“
I am going to give you fifteen minutes to text or call me or Katie before I contact the campus police”

I held the phone at eye level for him to read it. “You don’t think that is a little creepy?”

He gently pushed my hand down, looking me in the eyes. “No, I think that is a guy, who is used to being in control of every part of his life. Now he’s met you, and you’re making him crazy.”

“How?” I was completely confused.

Ryan rolled his eyes and shook his head back and forth. “You are so bad at this.” He held both hands out in front of him, making sure I knew what he was about to say was important. “Any other girl on campus would’ve been so thrilled that Cale Davis was texting her, they would’ve replied back ... immediately.” He dropped his hands in defeat, “And now you’ve made me sound like a chick.”

I thought about this for a few seconds. “Should I text him back?”

He looked at me with a funny face. “Yeah,” he said with a small laugh.

“What should I say?”

“The truth. Tell him you got lost. It’s not a lie and he’ll believe it coming from you.”

I scowled at him, he didn’t care.

“Tell him I found you walking downtown and picked you up and that you are almost back to your room now.”

Ryan started up his car and headed toward campus. I responded to Cale’s texts, typing exactly what Ryan told me to.

We pulled up in front of the towers. I gave him a quick hug, thanked him and jumped out of the car. I could hear him laughing as he watched me struggle to get up the steps in his clothes.

I opened the door to my room and Katie jumped off the couch. “Where have you been? Cale almost had the FBI looking for you!”

“I went for a walk and got lost.”

Katie folded her arms across her chest, shifted her weight to one side. “Really … and did your clothes get lost too?”

I put my hands up in surrender and then had to grab the waist of the sweatpants quickly before they fell to the ground.

“They’re Ryan’s clothes.” Katie just nodded her head like she already knew that.

“What? I really did get lost.”

We both jumped, surprised by the frantic knocking at the door. Cale’s voice boomed from the other side. “Katie! Is she back?”

Katie’s face went from surprise to panic. She reached into my drawer and threw some of my clothes at me, whispering, “Change.”

I scrambled to change as she yelled, “Yes she’s here, just a second I, um … I’m just getting changed.”

I shoved Ryan’s clothes under the couch, we gave each other a reassuring nod and she turned the door knob.

I held my breath as the door opened. I had no idea what to expect. I knew he would be upset by the tone of his texts, but just how upset, I didn’t know.

His eyes met mine. My heart jumpstarted. It felt like it would beat right out of my chest. His cheeks were flushed and his hair was a sexy kind of messy. He had been running his hands through it, worried about me. I walked over to him in silence and wrapped my arms around his waist. He let out a long breath and leaned into me. He pressed me against him with one arm while holding my head against his chest with the other, leaned into me and whispered into my hair, “Are you okay?”

I had never felt so completely cared for than I did in this moment. I nodded. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn’t. A nod was all I was good for right now.