Authors: Micki Fredricks
The silence was heavy. A million things ran through my head. I needed to break the tension – it was killing me. I started simple.
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.” My voice was small, like a child’s.
He pulled his lips into a tight line, but then turned away from me, looking out his side window.
I sat in my seat, staring at my folded hands in my lap. I spoke one more time, “I understand if you don’t want to sponsor me anymore.”
He shook his head and shifted in his seat toward me. “Jenna, that’s not it at all. You didn’t embarrass me, you embarrassed yourself. I care too much about you to let you do that. I don’t care what any of those people think of me. But you do, and that’s what worries me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Listen, Dana is a bitch – that is no secret. I can only imagine what she said to you. But the truth is, if you are going to be sponsored by me, you have to learn to deal with women like her.”
I dropped my head back against the headrest. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Of course you can,” he said. It was a matter of fact; he didn’t question it at all.
“How do you know that? Is Nolan going to teach a class on it?”
He let out a small laugh, “No, but he will want to talk to you about this.”
I slid down a little bit in the seat and pulled his jacket tighter around me. That would not be a fun conversation.
He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel awhile and then asked, “Why did you shut off your phone?”
My stomach dropped. I’d been acting so childishly. “How did you find me?”
“I was worried so I sent Katie a text. She told me where you were going.”
“It’s nothing personal, Cale, I just wanted to be myself tonight. I didn’t want to be watched or analyzed. I didn’t want to be anyone’s … anything.”
“So, that was the real you in there tonight?”
My cheeks burned as I thought about what I had done. I pushed the pain of Ryan’s rejection away. “No, not really.” I whispered.
“And as far as people watching you … you are beautiful, I don’t know where you can go to avoid that.” I looked up and he smiled at me. I rolled my eyes and smiled back.
“I’m coming to terms with the fact that you’re not interested in me the way I’m interested in you, but I thought we were at least friends.”
I froze in my seat. “Wait, what you are talking about?”
“I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I’m not really used to showing interest in a girl and having her not reciprocate.”
My head started to fire off all sorts of questions. All I could squeak out was, “You like me?”
“Of course I do.”
“And you think I’m not interested in you?”
He looked back toward his steering wheel. “It’s okay, I’m getting used to the idea.”
Ryan’s face suddenly flashed through my mind. I looked out my window, closing my eyes tightly to keep the tears from falling. My body tingled at the memory of his lips … my heart broke at the memory of what had just happened.
“Please don’t.” I whispered.
“Please don’t, what?” he questioned.
“Get used to that idea.”
>CHAPTER SIXTEEN<
Cale and I decided to take our relationship slow. Well, Cale decided, and I tried to ignore the fact that I knew he didn’t want to become too attached, until he found out if I was chosen for sponsorship or not. Being a man true to his word, we had not progressed past holding hands. It was endearing and maddening all at the same time. Honestly, it made me crazy, along with everything else that had been happening.
Except from across our classrooms, I had not seen Ryan at all. He stopped meeting me before class, stopped coming over for lunch, and refused to text me back. It was miserable. I knew I had made a mistake freaking out like I did, but I couldn’t say I wouldn’t do it again. Dana was a bitch.
My nights since the club were spent in my dorm room with Cale. We never went anywhere else and I was okay with that. I liked having him to myself. I couldn’t imagine the stress of actually going to a social situation with him. I needed more practice before that happened.
There was no down time, or fun time, every second was used to “prep” for the sponsorship evaluation. He quizzed me on current events, the history of The Brotherhood, or whatever other ridiculous topic he had given me the night before to go over. I struggled balancing all of it with my schoolwork, especially since my study buddy was acting like I didn’t exist.
I would never tell Cale that though. Studying by flashlight into the late hours of the night became my normal. I would admit, however, my lack of sleep may have played into my absolute refusal to see the day as anything other than a pain in the ass.
“Yes, Mom, I’m here now.” I paused to let her talk as I slipped another dress over my head. “No, he picked some out for me to try on.” I tugged on the bottom hem, wondering if there was more to it. “No, I’m not having fun.”
“Just come out or I’m coming in,” Katie yelled through the dressing room door. I took a deep breath, raising my shoulders up to my ears and exhaling in exaggerated defeat.
“I have to go, Katie is waiting.” I pulled the dressing room door open and walked out like a pouting five year old, and over to the wall of mirrors. Katie and the sales clerk whispered back and forth.
I glared at myself in the mirror while Katie and her side-kick clerk circled around me, inspecting every inch. What had I gotten myself into? This was ridiculous. I had no business standing in this swanky dress shop, no business wearing this god awful expensive dress and certainly no business meeting Cale’s father.
My whole body tightened as if rigor mortis had set in. Cale’s father was coming here to meet me and it was my worst nightmare. My stomach twisted as the thought ran through my head.
Technically he wasn’t coming to meet only me; but all the proposed sponsored. Maybe I would’ve been less tense if I’d gotten the chance to meet him before now as planned, but unfortunately, business hadn’t allowed it. And who was I kidding; the sponsorship evaluation would suck either way.
So now it wasn’t just Cale’s father I would be meeting, apparently there was a panel of elders that did the judging. It kept getting better and better. Maybe they could throw Dana on the panel, you know, just to make things more interesting.
“Are you feeling okay? You suddenly look green.” Katie whispered.
“I’m not sure,” I mumbled under my breath, stumbling toward the dressing room door. I grabbed the handle but it was locked. I shook it a few times, trying to will the damn thing to open. The sales clerk hurried over to unlock it.
She timidly spoke to me, “Miss Clausen, Mr. Davis wanted you to pick three dresses, do you know which ones you would like?” I just stared at her, unable to really form a thought.
“Let her pick.” I pointed over my shoulder to an obviously annoyed Katie.
My purse was buzzing as soon as I shut the door.
“How’s it going? Are you and Katie having fun?”
I closed my eyes and squeezed the phone in my hand. He wanted to know how it was going and if I was having fun? I could think of so many ways to respond to that right now. None of them being very nice, so I went with sarcastic that could be confused for nice.
“YEP, can’t text right now, trying on all these beautiful dresses!”
I threw the phone back into my purse.
Katie barged into the tiny dressing room and closed the door behind her. “What is your problem?”
“What?” I asked innocently.
“That was miserable. A lot of girls would love to have their boyfriend send them into this over the top, expensive shop and tell them to buy whatever they wanted.”
I held up a finger with each point I was trying to make. “One, he is not my boyfriend. Two, he picked out the dresses, not exactly ‘anything’ that I would want. Three, I have to meet his dad in one week and I have no idea what to expect.” My phone buzzed so I grabbed it. “And four, he won’t stop texting me! You know how crazy he gets when I don’t text him back.”
She knew I was referring to a couple weeks ago when I’d gotten lost and Ryan found me. Time had moved forward since that night and I groaned when I realized how much had changed. This is my life now. Ryan was with Dana, and I was standing in a tiny dressing room with Katie, trying to buy a dress that would fool a powerful man into believing I was worthy of his son.
But there was something even my growing feelings for Cale couldn’t get past … his need to know where I was at all times. It drove me crazy.
Katie snapped her fingers in front of my face, dragging me back to reality. “You need to get over this paranoia.” She grabbed my hand holding my phone and lifted it so it was eye level between us.
“This is what people do, Jenna. They text, a lot, especially, when you’re interested in someone. He was right to be worried about you that night. I was worried too.” She paused as her eyes searched my face. “He didn’t freak out when he came over, he was checking to see if you were safe.”
Her voice softened as she reached up, rubbing each of my shoulders. “If you don’t want to do this, then you need to let Cale know. But if you do, then you need to start acting like someone who’s worth being sponsored.” She gave me a small smile and turned toward the door. “You can take that one off; I picked the black one with the slit, the pink with the striped skirt and the red one.”
~~~
Katie and I walked toward the nearest coffee shop in a comfortable quiet. I knew she was already done being upset with me, but still I wanted to find the right words to explain why I was terrified of what was happening.
In my head I knew the sponsorship was a huge turning point in my life. It would open a world of opportunities that would’ve never been available to me without it. I also knew there was no room for Ryan in that world. Moving forward with Cale meant Ryan’s goodbye would be permanent. I wasn’t ready to face that yet.
“I’m sorry, Katie. I didn’t mean to get so upset with you. It’s … well, I really don’t know what it is.”
“I think I know why you’re so crazy about all of this.”
“You do?” I hoped she could give me some insight to my crazy thoughts.
Katie nodded her head. “Well for one, you are getting no sleep at all. You are completely overwhelmed and you are so worried about letting Cale down that it’s making you act like a crazy person.”
My heart sunk just a little bit.
“If you don’t get picked for sponsorship, you are worried that he won’t be interested in you anymore. You think that’s the only reason he’s hanging around, don’t you?”
I couldn’t respond to her. How could she be so right about this and so wrong at the same time? Every word she said was true, but there was an entire side of it she was missing.
Even though the thought of not being picked up for sponsorship scared me to death, there was a part of me that wondered if it wouldn’t be a relief. I didn’t want to lose Cale, but I also didn’t want to be constantly watched and worried over. It sounded so refreshing to just be Jenna – walk to class by myself, worry about myself, go back to invisible. I was so screwed up; I wanted the attention, but at the same time I wanted it to go away.
“Hey Katie.” Ryan said from behind me. My blood turned cold. I wanted to run away and never look back. I searched the store fronts frantically with my eyes, wondering if I could casually walk into one. It was no use, I was caught. I turned, Katie stepped protectively between us.
My eyes met his for a split second and the pain was crippling. The lie I’d told myself about being able to move past him violently unraveled inside of me, allowing my wounded heart to bleed pain all over again. The aching breached my defenses. I visibly flinched, trying to remain in control. I looked away, biting my bottom lip until I tasted blood. An emptiness opened inside of me. It was the space that he’d left. It reached out from my soul, wanting him back. I shut it down fast – I had no choice. He’d chosen her; I needed Cale. This was the end of our story together.
Still, the sight of Dana hanging on his arm like some sort of leech made me sick. It was exactly what I needed to get my strength back. If that bitch was what he wanted, then he wasn’t the person I thought he was anyway. The only power the two of them had over me was what I gave them. I wasn’t planning on feeling powerless in front of Ryan, or anyone, ever again. Katie’s eyes flashed to my face before looking back at Ryan, giving him a cold, hard stare. “Hey,” she said.
“Let’s go, baby,” her voice was sugary sweet. “It’s cold out here.”
There was an awkward silence that seemed to engulf every noise that had previously surrounded us. I pulled my shoulders back, and looked directly at him. She tightened her hold on his arm.
“Hey Jen.” His voice was strangely soft and he looked beautiful – another crack in my heart. His eyes were distant, almost hesitant as his gaze shifted nervously between Katie and me.
Several days of scruff shadowed his face, but it only made him sexier – and I hated that. His gray beanie was pulled down to barely above his eyebrows. He put both of his hands into the pocket of his black leather jacket.
My heart raced like crazy in my chest. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and tell him how much I needed him – and then punch him in the face.
Instead, I tilted my head and looked directly at Dana, giving her a long drawn out smile that made her shift uneasily, and then I slowly looked back at him.
“Really, Ryan?” I chuckled sarcastically. And as my heart broke, I held my chin high and walked past them.
Katie scrambled up behind me and fell into step. I continued walking until she grabbed my arm and made me stop. Her face was hard at first, until she saw the streaks the tears left on my cheeks. Her face instantly softened and she pulled me into a hug. The tears continued to run down my face. I half chuckled-half sobbed when she partially released me and gave me a smile.
“He is sorry, you know.”
I wanted to speak, but I knew if I tried it would only come out as a sob. I composed myself as best I could.
“I don’t care,” I whispered. It was the second lie I told myself about Ryan Kitson.