***
“Nicky come here.”
Nicholas didn’t flinch—Allison was the only one who could get away with calling him that. He considered ignoring her and going after Evelyn but then he turned and looked his sister square in the face.
Allison’s round blue eyes watched him intensely, with purpose.
“Please don’t let mom bother you, she doesn’t mean it,” she said.
Nicholas laughed.
“Yeah right Ally. I’m not surprised she said the things she did to Sydney the other day...”
“Yeah but Nicky, you’ve gotta give her a chance. She needs you.”
He scoffed at her words.
“Needs me? How exactly does she need me?”
“She needs you to forgive her.”
“She doesn’t deserve it Ally.”
“Nick, sometimes we just have to give to the undeserving. For their good, and for ours.”
“Screw that Ally. Look, I know she’s a completely different person to you, but you don’t know the monster she’s been to us. You have no idea what that woman’s done.”
Nicholas was still fighting the urge to follow Evelyn. She had been hard to find ever since he had been looking for her; he was reluctant to let her slip away again.
“You’re right I don’t. But I do know a little. And I know that she...”
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to hear it sis.” He let out a heavy breath then ran his fingers through his hair. “Forget it. I really don’t want to talk about her right now. Maybe later.”
“Nicky! Well, just wait okay? Promise me you’ll wait.” She was shouting at his retreating back as he turned to go back up to his room.
He hated ignoring his sister but he had to. He couldn’t stand there and listen while she defended Evelyn. He did decide to wait until Sydney left the house to confront her, however.
He waited for Sydney to return from the bathroom.
He had planned to pop in a movie but she appeared to have other plans as she entered his room, for she didn’t hop onto his bed to prepare for a viewing. Instead she just stood there. Then she started pacing.
Nicholas watched her, waiting until she was ready to say whatever it seemed she was bursting to say.
“Nicholas, I have to tell you something. I need you to hear it from me.”
Nicholas was concerned. She was fidgeting tremendously, and her eyes hadn’t met his for the past minute.
“I mean, I don’t have to tell you,” she went on. “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do right? So I really don’t have to say anything; in fact, I’m not sure...”
“Sydney,” he said, “if you didn’t want to tell me, you wouldn’t have started. I don’t want to push you but I can see this is important—at least to you.”
Her eyes arrested him in their sudden sharpness.
“Oh, it’s important all right, and not just to me.”
He put his hands up in mock defense and waited quietly, patiently.
She sighed then flopped herself onto the bed, sitting still and staring ahead at nothing.
He slid next to her.
“What is it Sydney?” He took her hand. “Come on, I want to know what’s bothering you. I want to help ease it for you if I can...”
“You can’t,” she replied.
She sighed again then turned toward him, her eyes focused.
“Nicholas, I was assaulted a few years ago.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t get me wrong—you
are
the first person I’ve had sex with. It’s just that I was targeted by this group of boys and they planned for this one guy to rape me, that’s all.”
Nicholas felt like something in his head literally blew its top.
“That’s all? Sydney, you can’t be serious.” He shook his head. “No way...”
He stopped, a memory forming itself.
Suddenly, he was transported back to their spring break cruise and his first unsuccessful attempt to make love to her. He even recalled his successful attempt. Then it all clicked into place. Her reaction, her reluctance, her...terror.
His heart twisted inside of him, and he felt anger surge through him.
“Who?” he asked. “Who is this guy Sydney? I swear to god I’ll rip him limb from limb then stick them up his asshole...”
“Nicholas.” Sydney’s hand touched his shoulder, bringing him back to really look at her face. She wasn’t agitated, angry, or crying. She looked a little sad, but her face was peaceful.
Her serenity soothed him, calming him down just enough to touch her face lightly. Then he grabbed a hold of the sides of her face, and kissed her on the forehead. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her in his arms.
“I’m sorry sweetheart,” he whispered, still feeling the volcano rumbling inside of him. “I’m sorry the son-of-a-bitch exists.” He kissed her head again.
She wrapped her slender arms around him.
He pulled back and held her hands in his.
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Just talk to me Nicholas—get my mind off of it.” She sighed. “I can’t believe I just told you that.”
“No, I’m glad. Just tell me who he is.”
“I don’t know Nicholas, I really don’t. And even if I did I wouldn’t tell you—no offense. I don’t want you getting in trouble.”
“Sydney I...”
“I wouldn’t take the risk.” She breathed in and out deeply.
“Did you ever talk to anyone about it?”
She looked down.
“I wanted to. And then I talked to a trauma center because the whole ordeal...the way it was carried out...anyway, later in college, I started speaking to the college counselor.”
She looked sheepish, and all he wanted to do was hug her. She had nothing to be embarrassed about.
“Did it help?”
She nodded.
“A little.”
“What would have helped more? Besides it never happening of course.”
She paused, appearing to ponder it a moment.
“I suppose if he paid for it. If there was some way I could know karma or the law took care of him, I would feel a lot better. Well, back then I guess—I feel a bit numb about it now.”
“Do you get bad dreams about it?”
“Sometimes. In them, I’m trapped. I try to get away, but I can’t move. I try to scream, and nothing comes out.” She looked at him. “What about you? Didn’t you tell me you get bad dreams too?”
“Oh, just thoughts about some of my old friends playing bad pranks on people. It’s stupid really. And mine are just weird dreams—I don’t see how they could be based in any sort of reality, whereas yours...I’m so sorry Sydney.”
“Well, I thought we could talk tonight, share more of our lives. So tell me more about your boarding school days for example. Your closest friends.”
Nicholas sighed. He wanted to probe her further but figured it was best to do what she asked.
“Well, the guy you met the other day—I met him in boarding school, ninth grade I think. He became one of my buddies, him and his cousin, Winston. The three of us were like brothers...well, that’s how it felt to me anyway. We liked to fool around then, play pranks and all that. I wouldn’t say they were harmless—some of them sort of were, but others...we’d do stuff involving gum, super glue. We glued some school locks once.” He chuckled at the memory. “We poured detergent into some fountains, and this one time, we hid the clothes of some swimmers.” He laughed. “I hope you don’t think bad of me, we were just stupid, having fun.”
“Well, boys will be boys right? Stupid, and having fun...”
“Funny lady.” He smiled at her.
“So it was just the three of you then?”
Nicholas nodded.
“Yeah. Just us three—each other’s keeper.”
Her eyes were wide, intelligent; as if she was figuring out the formula to time travel.
“So you guys didn’t hang out with anyone else?”
Nicholas laughed.
“I’m not sure how many more ways I can say that.”
She picked up her bag and stood. He hoped he didn’t offend her—he was just kidding.
“I’m going home,” she said.
“Wait, already? What did I say?”
He started to beat himself up. He knew he shouldn’t have mentioned his past. Now she was probably seeing him as some flighty delinquent.
“Look, that was my past Sydney, I’m not like that anymore. You know that.”
“No, it’s not that.” She wasn’t looking at him. “Well, maybe it is. Maybe...” She had started talking to herself, her voice funneled to a grumble as she headed to the door.
“Sydney wait, please. What is it? Is it what I told you? What you told me? My mom?”
She stopped and looked at him, a look that would haunt him for days to come.
She didn’t answer.
He let her leave, and waited patiently to rip his mother a new one. He was convinced she was a large part of Sydney’s strange behavior.
He looked for her immediately once he came inside and not finding her on the bottom floors, remembered that it was around the time she retired to her room so he headed there. He knocked and knocked, but there was no answer. As he was about to leave, he thought he heard her voice.
He put his ear to the door.
It sounded like she was on the phone, talking in hushed tones, and if he didn’t know it was his mother, he would think it was a flirty conversation. If it was, it certainly wasn’t his father she was talking to. So who on earth could it be?
He decided he would lay into her as soon as he saw her again.
To his frustration, it took days of mysterious coincidences and just missing her every time he was around the house, but after deciding to take a walk around the house, Nicholas finally caught her as she knelt over her garden. She was so into pruning her plants that she wasn’t able to disappear as skillfully as she usually did so she turned to him, ready for battle, gardening shears in hand.
“Mother, what was that stunt you pulled the other day?”
“I’m sorry dear—can you refresh my memory?”
“Don’t play stupid mother. Why would you attack Sydney like that?”
“Attack her? Really Nicholas, you do have quite an imagination.”
“Oh come on mother lay off it. Do you have a problem with me dating Sydney?”
“Do I have a problem with potentially negroid and part-wetback grandchildren? What ever gave you that idea?”
Nicholas’s mouth dropped open. He didn’t know what to address first.
“Did I just hear you correctly?”
“Oh I was to call them Afro-American and Mexican-American I suppose...”
“Mom! Why would you say these things? And where did you get this whole idea from anyway? And who’s the Mexican?”
“Oh Edward mentioned that Maria girl. Half-Mexican right? And I’m not stupid Nicholas. Like you said, I saw the photos of the four of you. I’ve never seen Edward look that happy. Or you. And even though Edward’s doing the right thing right now, he might just end up doing the wrong thing.”
“Why would being with Maria be the wrong thing mother? How could me being with Sydney be wrong?”
Evelyn looked like she was elsewhere.
“I knew Allison wouldn’t disappoint me. My little girl is always...”
“Yeah mom, we all know she’s your favorite. Not everyone wants to be in a loveless marriage all right? No need to impose your own torture on us.”
Evelyn’s eyes burned with emotion for a moment, and it seemed to him that if she felt she had the right, she would have slapped him right then. But she soon looked bored again.
“You have to be sensible about love dear. Marriage should be a reasonable thing. Love shouldn’t...”
“What the fuck do you know about love Evelyn?”
Nicholas turned on his heel and walked away.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Sydney was glad she had been able to convince Nicholas to get a summer job, but they had trouble finding one he was a hundred per cent okay with.
She finally decided to get a third party involved, and as soon as she ran into Adam again, she accosted him.
“Wait!” she said, halting him as he was about to leave. “Nicholas wants a summer job—can you help him find one?” She ignored Adam’s incredulous look. “Seriously. He wants to start with something simple, something fun. You know of any summer camps he could teach at or something? He thinks he can do the camp counselor thing.”
Adam laughed, but it was the kind that was full of both mockery and amusement.
“He actually
wants
to work?”
“
Yes
,” she said. “He realizes the value in it.”
“You mean he wants to pretend he has a job while playing around with a bunch of kids.”
“Oh come on Adam—baby steps.”
Adam scoffed.
“For those who can afford it. Some of us have to hit the ground running.”
“You just mixed up metaphors...”
“Whatever Syd, you know what I mean.”
She was taken aback. Looking at her face, he seemed to backpedal his emotion.
“All right, I’ll help your rich boyfriend out. Give me some time—I’ll figure something out.”
Sydney smiled, happy she could be a part of Nicholas’s life in this way, that she could actually help him with something.
She went to bed with pleasant thoughts and in a good mood, so she didn’t quite understand the dream she had later that night:
“Nicholas Oliver Dhalton,” Sydney said, smiling at Maria and Sarah.
“That’s funny,” Sarah said, “his initials...they spell out...”
“Nod,” Sydney and Maria whispered at the same time. They looked at each other.
Suddenly they were flying through space and Sydney was looking at Nicholas rowing in a boat that was a wooden shoe, accompanied by two people whose faces she couldn’t make out. The girls flew to him and pushed him out of the boat.
Sydney awoke with the same dread she had felt when Nicholas told her that he, Brandon and Brandon’s cousin were a threesome in boarding school. She remembered what Maria had said a few days before about it not looking good for Nicholas. Could she be right? Could the thoughts that had been fighting their way through her brain be about the same thing? She still didn’t want to think about it—it couldn’t be.
Certain memories were pushing their way through too, but she was pushing back. Now, in her most vulnerable state, as she lay sleeping, one of them had found a way to her. She still didn’t want to acknowledge it, but she had no choice; the coincidences were too great.
She thought about calling Maria but decided to put it through one screening test first: her brother. She felt safer about telling him the information—who knew what Maria would do.
She got up to find him.
Sydney met Adam in the kitchen drinking some orange juice. She grabbed his arm and pulled him all the way back to her room.
“Syd, what’s up?” he asked, his eyebrows crinkled together.
She sighed.
“I hope I’m wrong. You know,” she laughed, “this is probably just a series of coincidences because there’s just no way...”
He was looking at her strangely when he put a hand on her shoulder.
“Syd, what?”
Sydney took several deep breaths to try to steady herself.
“You know how...well you know what happened...back then.” She stopped to breathe deeply again. “I think I know...well I have some evidence that seems to point to...”
His eyes widened.
“You know who it is Syd?”
Something in his voice scared her a little.
She looked at him.
“Well, who is it? Who’s the bastard...”
“Maria got raped around the same time,” she whispered, silencing him, and feeling a sudden urge to take the focus off of her. Then she felt guilty for revealing her best friend’s secret just to shut him up, so he wasn’t potentially, unknowingly, talking about Nicholas.
Adam’s face tightened and his eyes narrowed to slits.
“Who, Sydney?”
His voice barely sounded like his.
Sydney was afraid to go further now—the look on his face, the way his hand tightened into a ball...
She had broken her own rule once again, and didn’t think she could handle the consequences. She had worked up the rage of two men close to her, and was about to direct the rage of one to the other.
Everything in her screamed for her to stop right there, but her mouth kept going, sound kept escaping.
“Not the same guy. You remember Sarah?” He nodded. “You see, we figured out it was a group of three friends, and we know who one of them is. So we figured we just had to find out who he hung out with, and we’d have the rest.” She had to reign in her emotions and Adam’s expression helped her do it, his own raging emotions clear.
Sydney kept going, despite her brain telling her otherwise.
“Maria was dating this guy named Brandon some years ago, I guess you’d remember that.”
“Yeah I remember—she went out with him for like a week or something.” His jaw tightened. “That son-of-a-bitch raped Maria?”
His chest was heaving.
Although Sydney realized she had made a mistake, she couldn’t stop—everything insisted on pouring out of her.
“I know I shouldn’t have told you that Adam. Maria would kill me if she knew. And I know I shouldn’t tell you this either, but it’s killing
me
, thinking about it. Adam, Nicholas knows Brandon.”
Adam’s face made a quick switch to confusion.
“Your boyfriend Nicholas? Well, that doesn’t prove anything.”
“They used code names when they did it Adam. Wynken, Blynken and Nod. Nicholas’s full name is Nicholas Oliver Dhalton.”
Adam was silent for a few seconds.
“Close, but that still doesn’t prove...”
“And then he used to watch me all the time like I told you. And our first conversations...he used to be really weird with me, even said he knew girls who had been taken advantage of before. There are so many things Adam.”
Adam was quiet.
“I’m trying to give him all the benefit of the doubt I can, but you’re making it difficult. How sure are you?”
Sydney didn’t like the way he asked the question.
“I’m not positive. I need to do a little more investigating—I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt. Like you said, it’s probably just some weird coincidence.”
“Well, if you find out it’s him for sure, I can kill him for you.”
Sydney’s heart stopped.
“I can probably get away with it too.”
It took Sydney a few moments to find her voice.
“Adam, look, I don’t need you to do anything for me—I can do what I need to myself.”
“I know you don’t mean that. I’m your older brother...”
“Stop it Adam—I’m not a child! I can handle myself. You don’t need to do anything.”
She felt like she was losing it.
Adam burst into laughter.
“Syd, I was just kidding,” he said. “You think I’m a killer? I wouldn’t kill someone for raping you.”
Sydney’s shoulders sank in relief.
“The punishment’s gotta match the crime. Besides, I could always just get someone else to do it,” he said, smiling at her as if he was just pulling her leg again.
“What?” Sydney asked.
“Sydney, I’m just kidding again.”
“No, I mean who? Who do you know? Who do you work with? What do you even do? I have no idea what you do!”
Sydney felt panicked. Did he really know someone who could hurt Nicholas?
“Are you supposed to?”
“Well, I’d like to, you’re my brother after all. I
am
interested in your life, just as you’re way too interested in mine.”
“Well that’s sweet and all, but you don’t have to worry about me sis. I get what I need when I need it. However I need to get it.”
Sydney sighed.
“That worries me Adam.”
“Are you kidding me? I’m more worried about you.”
***
Sydney decided to head over to Nicholas and continue her investigation.
She wasn’t looking forward to running into Mrs. Dhalton again, even if she was intrigued by her, but she knew she had to wade through the mud.
It seemed Mrs. Dhalton made a special effort to torture her because she was there as Sydney was escorted in. Sydney looked straight at her and smiled, hoping it came off as open and friendly.
“Hello Mrs. Dhalton,” she said in a voice dripping with honey.
Evelyn looked her up and down with a smile and lightly disguised scorn.
“Oh hello. Sydney right?”
Sydney was determined to have Mrs. Dhalton like her.
“How are you doing today?”
“I’m fine.”
Mrs. Dhalton just looked at her.
“I heard you like gardening—may I see your garden sometime? I dabble in it myself. I have a particular fondness for zinnias and the daylily.”
“Hm. Well, that’s very nice.”
Mrs. Dhalton turned and went on her way.
“I’ll get Nicholas for you,” the man she heard Nicholas call Samuel said as he led her toward the family room and turned away.
Samuel came back a few minutes later to escort her upstairs where he informed her that Nicholas was waiting for her.
Sydney felt a little apprehensive as she entered the room.
She observed Nicholas sitting on his bed with his head in his hands, looking burdened.
When he heard her enter he looked up, his face allowing a small smile.
“Hi sweetheart. What’s on your mind?” he asked.
“I should be asking you that. How come you didn’t come down to meet me?”
“I’m honestly trying to avoid my mother as much as possible. Don’t ask.”
Sydney laughed.
“I don’t think I have to.”
“Yeah. Hey, what was the deal with you running off like that last night? And avoiding my calls earlier today?”
Sydney let out a breath.
“Well, the memories of, you know, that event became overwhelming—I had to have some time to myself.” She told herself a partial truth was not really a lie—even if it was one of omission.
He nodded.
“I understand,” he said. “Still, you could have at least told me to leave you alone for a day or something. I was going crazy not knowing what was up. I almost drove over there to talk to you.”
She apologized for keeping him in the dark.
“I’m kind of new to this relationship thing,” she added with a small smile.
She thought about how she could get more information from him without being obvious, but was suddenly distracted by one of the photos he had on his dresser of the two of them, and it occurred to her that she knew nothing about his own relationship history. She knew it was a silly thing to wonder about at that point, but she couldn’t help being curious; after all, she figured she would be able to tell a lot more about him by his relationships with the other sex.
“Tell me about your ex-girlfriends. I mean friends, sorry.” She grinned at him.
He laughed a hollow laugh.
“That’s what you came over to talk to me about?” He shook his head. “No way. Not a good idea.”
“Why not? Okay I’ll go first. So there was Jason...”
“Yeah, you told me about him—you were thirteen, blah blah blah. You know that’s not fair. That’s the end of your story.”
She affected a hurt look and pouted her lips. He got up, grabbed her and kissed her, making her aware that she had not moved closer to him since entering the room. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment.
“So you agree then?” she said once their lips separated.
“You don’t want to hear it, I promise you.”
“Mmm, the way you said that makes me even more interested.”
She stared up at him and batted her eyes.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he said then took a few moments before beginning.
“Honestly, my story’s similar to yours in a way. My love life’s pretty empty of girlfriends.”
He stopped as if that’s all he was going to say.
“But surely you saw lots of women?”
He nodded.
“Yes, I saw lots of women.” Again he stopped.
“And did you take them out? You went on dates with them?”
He nodded again.
“Yup.”
“And that’s it?”
He didn’t answer.
“First, second, third base?”
“Yup. Okay that’s enough. Look, Sydney, I’ve had ‘relationships’ with lots of women, but I haven’t had any real girlfriends. Well, besides Lisa. I dated her my first year of college so I guess she counts. I’m not sure if I’ve ever met anyone duller than her though, she was like a shell of a person. At first, I thought it was mysterious and interesting. But it got old fast.”
“See, now we’re getting somewhere. More?”
He sighed.
“Well, there was Emily but that had to be the most shallow relationship ever; everything was about the surface. She was playing a part, I was playing a part and we were both playing these parts because we were the types who were supposed to be together.” He shook his head. “We parted ways because she was doing her own thing with other guys, although she was discreet about it and I didn’t care. But she ended up falling for one of them so she took off.” He gave a short laugh. “Did me a favor.”
Sydney’s eyebrows raised.
“Aha! So you’ve been dumped!”
He shrugged.
“If that’s what you want to call it. We weren’t even really in a relationship, you know? It was by name only. We were both elsewhere.”
“So you
have
had girlfriends.”
He shook his head.
“I guess, but not really. It’s just that none of them really had an impact on me, you know? No special significance besides first kiss, first date, first, well, you know. Or the third, fifth, tenth, whatever. Other than that, I’ve never really felt anything for them. They didn’t feel for me either, I can promise you that. They served a purpose for me, I served a purpose for them. Simple.”
“So I’m your first real girlfriend?”
“That you are. In more ways than one.” He came close to her and held her. “You’re certainly the first I fell for like this.” He kissed her hand, then her cheek. Then he kissed her mouth. “I love you Sydney.”