His face collapsed.
“I don’t know, Sydney, I honestly don’t know.” His voice was like a whisper, as if coming through a reed. “I don’t remember a single thing about it, I don’t know what happened to me...”
“Probably because I socked you over the head.”
Nicholas’s hand immediately went to the scar. It seemed like an unconscious move. “So I’ve been told. Honestly, I think the guilt made me forget more than that blow. Post-traumatic stress disorder or something.”
“I’m not sure that’s possible.”
“No? I do. I would do it again—forget—if everyone else could.” He reached out for her. “I only wish I could erase what happened by doing so.”
Sydney pulled away.
“But don’t you see? That’s the problem.
I
can’t forget. I can never forget.”
“But we can work through this! I mean, stranger things have happened. I’m not like that anymore and...I love you. You won’t believe how much it’s killing me to know I might have done something like that to you! You’ve been living with it for years while I just found out about it, but wish I didn’t have to live with it another day.” He closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them, they were glistening with tears. “All I can say is, I’m glad I forgot about it, otherwise, I never would’ve been able to be with you...”
Sydney slapped him as hard as she could across the cheek.
“You are such a creep. Yeah, I can see it now—forget polygamous romances, and those involving people with twenty, forty, or sixty years between them, or johns falling in love with prostitutes. Rapists and their victims—the new unconventional romance!”
She turned to go but her body swiveled back, her body and her mind in conflict, not sure where to go next.
“What can I do? How can I make this better?” he asked softly.
“There’s nothing you can do. All I want to know is why and how, and you can’t give me that.”
“Look, I’ll turn myself in if that’ll make it better somehow. Whatever you need me to do I’ll do it, but you have to talk to me, we have to pound this out.”
She didn’t know what to say.
“Sydney, I’m serious. If that’s what it takes, just say the word, and I’m off to the station to confess. Is that what you want?”
She just looked at him.
“Well, okay. First thing tomorrow...”
“No, don’t. Let me think about this for a bit. I’ll let you know.”
He looked hurt by her words.
“Nicholas I...” she faltered, searching for the right words but couldn’t find them. She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
She left the room and went to find Maria right away—it was time to go.
Sydney found Maria waiting for her by the finger foods.
“It’s about time,” Maria said, wiping her fingers with a napkin. Sydney knew it killed her to do that, that all she wanted to do was lick the juiciness off her fingers.
“I can’t wait to hear about that conversation. Talk about wishing you were a fly on the wall,” Maria said.
“Yeah well I wanna hear about yours too, but I just wanna go home right now. We’ll have to discuss this later.”
They left the house.
As their car was brought to them, a thought occurred to Sydney.
“Sons of you-know-what, they planned it!”
“Sydney, what are you talking about?”
“Them! They planned to come over the same time. To force us to separate so they could talk to us.”
“I don’t know about you, but Eddie needed no plan to get me to talk to him.”
They hopped in the car.
“Well, Nicholas I mean. He got Eddie to help him get you away from me knowing you were my only safety net.”
“Are you saying that’s the only reason Eddie came over to me?”
“No, it’s just a theory. So what did you and Eddie talk about?” she asked.
Maria scowled.
“Nothing important.”
Sydney waited.
“Okay fine. He just asked about Brandon and I told him to go fuck himself, that’s all.”
Sydney wasn’t satisfied. She continued waiting in silence.
Maria puffed out a short breath.
“He asked me how I was doing, how’s summer and other small talk. Then he said he’d heard some disturbing news through the grapevine, that some guy had committed some crime against me. I played stupid for a bit, so he came right out and held me by the shoulders and asked me straight out if I was raped, but so no one but me could hear him of course.”
She stopped and looked out the window.
“I’m so embarrassed Sydney, I totally broke down in front of him. He was looking into my eyes and he looked so concerned, so...loving, it totally melted me. Everything I feel for him just came in such a rush...”
She shook her head, as if shaking off another bout.
“Anyway, I took the pleasure of telling him to mind his own goddamned business. One of his sluts happened to be nearby so I’m sure he caught both my meanings. Before I walked away from him I said: ‘why the hell do you even care?’ and stormed out gracefully. I think.”
She looked sheepish as she gave Sydney a small smile.
“So what about you and Nick?”
Sydney told her what happened.
Maria sighed at the end of it.
“I don’t know if this means anything, but he really does love you. Maybe you can forgive him someday. So have you decided what to do?”
“It’s just not right, you know? He shouldn’t be allowed to get off so easily. And I’m not sure someone like that is capable of love.”
“Sydney, stop your lies. You know he loves you and you love him, even though you want him to pay. Why bother with any kind of rehabilitation if we think people should pay forever? And you know what? It’s quite possible to hurt someone you love, deliberately or not. Just because someone hurts you, doesn’t mean they don’t love you Sydney.”
***
Sydney lay on her bed on her back, hands folded behind her head.
Seeing Nicholas brought out too many things she didn’t want to feel or remember. Too many emotions she wasn’t ready to handle. As much as she tried to run away from it, it hit her tonight: she missed him. She missed everything about him—his smile, his laugh, his voice, his kiss. She missed their movie nights, his arms around her. She missed
him
.
And she knew still loved him. She had hoped it would go away and make everything less painful and easier to deal with, but it had other plans. Instead of wanting to kick him, she wanted to kiss him. She wanted to hug him and tell him she forgave him, because although her head was telling her he had to pay, that he had to suffer for his crime, her heart was telling her they had both paid enough.
She got up and went over to her photo album shelf.
She started looking through their photos from over the past six months.
She found herself laughing, then fighting back tears and losing the battle.
Then she went over to her closet. She lifted out a box she hadn’t touched in years from off of her box of romance books. She dusted it off and started flipping through the contents.
She found a letter that she had written to Nicholas in her freshman year of college, but never had the intention of actually giving to him:
Dear Nicholas,
I am writing this letter knowing I will never speak to you, and also that you will never see it. I’ve had a crush on you for the longest time. I think you’re really cute, and there’s a sadness about you that I can’t help noticing. I want to make it better, whatever it is. I’m not sure what it is that you’re so sad about, after all, you have everything. Still, I wish I could be something to you. You seem to be a nice guy.
I’m not sure what to call this—a crush, infatuation, fascination...whatever it is, it won’t go away. And now that you’re at my college, it has only been escalating. I wonder what it’s like to live a life like yours? Perhaps this is my attraction: you’re free to do what you want and everyone still loves you. I guess I envy your freedom.
She held the letter to her chest as tears ran down her face.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Loud knocking eventually filtered through Sydney’s consciousness, waking her up. She listened for a few moments, wondering who was at the door and who would get it. The pounding filtered further into her consciousness and she realized that her own door was being knocked on.
When she opened it, she saw Adam’s slightly amused, yet worried face.
“Um, some white girl’s out there to see you. She nearly broke down the damn door.”
“A white girl? What does she look like?”
Adam put his hand under his chin, looking thoughtful.
“Well, she’s kinda hot actually...”
Sydney rolled her eyes as she got up and swung her legs over the bed.
“You let her in right?” she said as she started walking toward the door.
Adam raised an eyebrow at her.
“Why would I do that? She might be crazy. Knocking on the damn door like...”
His voice faded away as Sydney headed over to the family room and looked out the window facing the front yard.
She saw Allison standing in front of the door, her face flushed, her arms folded.
Sydney headed to the door and opened it.
“What the hell did you do to my brother?” Allison asked.
“Hi to you too.” Sydney stepped back, indicating to Allison to step inside, but she remained where she was. “Ally I didn’t do anything to your brother.”
“Don’t you dare call me Ally. Why is he so miserable then? I’ve barely seen you around in weeks. What the hell’s going on?”
Sydney looked around. She couldn’t see him but she knew that Adam was within earshot, listening intently.
She took Allison by the arm and led her outside but Allison pulled away.
“We need to take this elsewhere,” Sydney explained. “I don’t want anyone to hear...”
“Hear what? What are you ashamed of? Sydney he’s crying all the time—he tries to hide it, but I know. His eyes are always red...”
“Allison please...”
“What on earth did you do? I thought you were so good for him but you just made everything worse! My poor brother...where do you get off at?”
“Look Allison, you really don’t understand...”
“You better have a good reason for this because I don’t see how...”
“Allison he sexually assaulted me!” Sydney tried to keep her voice as low as possible.
Allison blinked twice, her expression slowly morphing from indignation to complete confusion. “I don’t understand,” she said a few moments later, her voice now lowered and dull.
“Can we go somewhere and talk now?”
Allison nodded and started walking toward her Mercedes. She didn’t say a word as they entered the car, nor as she started it, nor after a minute of driving. Sydney knew Allison would remain quiet until she started explaining, but she wasn’t sure what to say. Part of her wanted to protect herself—she didn’t want to relive any part of her nightmare—but part wanted to protect Nicholas too; she had already said too much. But she knew there was no way Allison would let her get away without further explication.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” Sydney began.
“But you did, so keep talking.”
Allison kept her eyes straight ahead.
“Allison...” Sydney was horrified to find her voice cracking. She took a few moments to compose herself and keep her emotions at bay.
“I miss him Ally,” she said, failing miserably as a tear ran down her face. “I miss him so much. But he did something to me I don’t know if I can forgive. Yes, it happened a while ago but it terrorized me, and every time I see him now, it just reminds me...”
“I can’t believe this,” Allison said, seemingly to herself. Then she addressed Sydney. “So are you gonna tell me more or what?”
“He was with some guys at the time,” Sydney blurted out. “They took me to him.” She stopped, realizing she would sound as if some type of Stockholm syndrome had taken over.
“I mean, that’s no excuse...”
“You’re damned right that’s no excuse. God I’m so sorry Sydney, I really can’t believe he’d do that.Why would he?” she said as if to herself.
Sydney realized in horror that Allison put her hand to her head and took her eyes off the road as she looked down. Sydney grabbed the wheel.
“Allison! You want us both to end up in the hospital or what?”
“Crap, I’m sorry.” Allison took control of the vehicle again. “I can’t quite wrap my head around all this.” She quickly glanced at Sydney. “It’s pretty telling that you’re making excuses for him though. Sounds like you could be wrong about not being able to forgive him.” She sighed. “Sydney, forgive me for saying this, but I can’t help but think about my brother here. He needs you, he really does. I mean I love my brother, and I bet Eddie loves him too, but I’m not sure that matters to him. All that mattered to him was you, that you loved him.” She sighed again. “I know it’s selfish of me to ask, but I’m worried about him. Please talk to him. Please, he’s not a monster.”
Sydney looked away, staring out the window without seeing a thing.
“Can I tell you something?” Allison asked.
Sydney didn’t bother to answer, knowing that she would go ahead with her story anyway.
“Nicholas hates my mom. You might know that.”
“Yeah, he told me a little about her.”
“Right. So he thinks she ruined his life, blah blah blah. I feel bad for my brother, really. From what I heard, he really did suffer at her hands. However, she’s my mommy. I love her. I have no idea what he’s talking about when he says she’s vicious, mean, spiteful. All I see when I look at her is a sad, lonely woman. I think her biggest regret in life is not fighting harder to be with the one she really loved. Do you understand what I’m saying Sydney? I think she’s mad at herself for letting others orchestrate her life. But it’s only her who’s been living with the consequences. And I guess whoever happens to be in her path of misdirected frustration. Sydney, I understand if you go the other way—just make sure when you choose it’s your choice and not someone else’s. Yes, I’m perfectly aware I’m just another voice blabbing off and telling you what to do, but you don’t want to live the rest of your life in regret. It turns some people bitter.”
***
As Sydney expected, Adam accosted her as soon as she got home.
“So what did the hot mad chick have to say?”
“None of your business! That’s Nicholas’s sister by the way, Allison.”
She quickly escaped to her bedroom to start journaling.
After a few minutes, she heard a light knock on the door and feared it was Adam again, but it was her mother who entered.
“Just came to drop this off hon.”
Sydney accepted the mail. It looked like another informational packet on a law school she’d requested it from.
Her mom turned to leave but spun back around.
“Oh, have you gotten some applications ready yet? Taken the tests and all that?”
“The applications aren’t due until the end of the year mom. As for the LSAT...”
“Well, you do know which ones you’ll be applying to right? Have you researched...”
“Yes mom, I have.”
Patricia was quiet for a few moments, as if waiting for Sydney to elaborate.
Sydney gave a heavy sigh.
“I was thinking...” She paused. “I was thinking Stanford mom.”
Patricia’s face broke out into a brilliant, wide smile.
“Stanford University’s Department of Psychology.”
Patricia frowned a little.
“But honey, you can go right into law school once you graduate. You don’t have to...”
“I know what I have to do to get in, mom. It’s not where I want to go.”
“But Syd honey, you’ve always wanted...”
“No mom,
you’ve
always wanted me to go.”
Patricia shook her head, her forehead creased.
“Syd honey, you know I never said anything like that.”
“No, but I could feel it. I know you and dad expect me to be nothing less than a lawyer or a doctor so I always strived toward it because I didn’t want to disappoint you guys.”
“But honey...”
“I mentioned it once when I was, what, eight? And you guys just latched onto it and wouldn’t let it go. Well guess what, I’ve changed my mind. I want to be a psychologist and...and too bad if you don’t like it. I’m okay with you guys not loving me anymore because of it.”
Sydney folded her arms but couldn’t look at her mother. Instead, she fixed her eyes on the her closet. She was hardly expecting to feel her mother’s arms around her a moment later.
“Sydney sweetheart, whatever you chose, we would have been behind you. We love you regardless of what you think, or ‘what you become’ because you’ll always be our daughter. How could you not see that? Sorry to say, but I’m afraid the pressure you speak of having felt all this time was applied by yourself my little perfectionist.”
Patricia kissed her on her forehead.