Complete Poems and Plays (67 page)

For general unrest amongst the natives.

E
DWARD
.
But how do the monkeys create unrest?

A
LEX.
To begin with, the monkeys are very destructive …

J
ULIA
.
You don’t need to tell me that monkeys are destructive.

I shall never forget Mary Mallington’s monkey,

The horrid little beast — stole my ticket to Mentone

And I had to travel in a very slow train

And in a
couchette.
She was very angry

When I told her the creature ought to be destroyed.

L
AVINIA
.
But can’t they exterminate these monkeys

If they are a pest?

A
LEX
.
                       Unfortunately,

The majority of the natives are heathen:

They hold these monkeys in peculiar veneration

And do not want them killed. So they blame the Government

For the damage that the monkeys do.

E
DWARD
.
That seems unreasonable.

A
LEX
.
                                                  It is unreasonable,

But characteristic. And that’s not the worst of it.

Some of the tribes are Christian converts,

And, naturally, take a different view.

They trap the monkeys. And they eat them.

The young monkeys are extremely palatable:

I’ve cooked them myself …

E
DWARD
.
                                   And did anybody eat them

When you cooked them?

A
LEX
.
                                   Oh yes, indeed.

I invented for the natives several new recipes.

But you see, what with eating the monkeys

And what with protecting their crops from the monkeys

The Christian natives prosper exceedingly:

And that creates friction between them and the others.

And that’s the real problem. I hope I’m not boring you?

E
DWARD
.
No indeed: we are anxious to learn the solution.

A
LEX
.
I’m not sure that there
is
any solution.

But even this does not bring us to the heart of the matter.

There are also foreign agitators,

Stirring up trouble …

L
AVINIA
.
                         Why don’t you expel them?

A
LEX
.
They are citizens of a friendly neighbouring state

Which we have just recognised. You see, Lavinia,

These are very deep waters.

E
DWARD.
                                   And the agitators;

How do they agitate?

A
LEX
.
                              By convincing the heathen

That the slaughter of monkeys has put a curse on them

Which can only be removed by slaughtering the Christians.

They have even been persuading some of the converts —

Who‚ after all, prefer not to be slaughtered —

To relapse into heathendom. So, instead of eating monkeys

They are eating Christians.

J
ULIA
.
                                      Who have eaten monkeys.

A
LEX
.
The native is not, I fear, very logical.

J
ULIA
.
I wondered where you were taking us, with your monkeys.

I thought I was going to dine out on those monkeys:

But one can’t dine out on eating Christians —

Even among pagans!

A
LEX
.
                             Not on the
whole
story.

E
DWARD
.
And have any of the English residents been murdered?

A
LEX
.
Yes, but they are not usually eaten.

When these people have done with a European

He is, as a rule, no longer fit to eat.

E
DWARD
.
And what has your commission accomplished?

A
LEX
.
We have just drawn up an interim report.

E
DWARD
.
Will it be made public?

A
LEX
.
                                             It cannot be, at present:

There are too many international complications.

Eventually, there may be an official publication.

E
DWARD
.
But when?

A
LEX
.
                           In a year or two.

E
DWARD
.
                                                    And meanwhile?

A
LEX
.
Meanwhile the monkeys multiply.

L
AVINIA
.
                                                      And the Christians?

A
LEX
.
Ah, the Christians! Now, I think I ought to tell you

About someone you know — or knew …

J
ULIA
.
                                                              Edward!

Somebody must have walked over my grave:

I’m feeling so chilly. Give me some gin.

Not a cocktail. I’m freezing — in July!

C
ATERER’S
M
AN
.
Mr. Quilpe!

E
DWARD
.
                                   Now who …

[
Enter
P
ETER
]

                                     Why, it’s Peter!

L
AVINIA
.
Peter!

P
ETER
.
              Hullo, everybody!

L
AVINIA
.
                                           When did you arrive?

P
ETER
.
I flew over from New York last night —

I left Los Angeles three days ago.

I saw Sheila Paisley at lunch to-day

And she told me you were giving a party —

She’s coming on later, after the Gunnings —

So I said, I really must crash in:

It’s my only chance to see Edward and Lavinia.

I’m only over for a week, you see,

And I’m driving down to the country this evening,

So I knew you wouldn’t mind my looking in so early.

It does seem ages since I last saw any of you!

And how are you, Alex? And dear old Julia!

L
AVINIA
.
So you’ve just come from New York.

P
ETER
.
                                                                  Yes, from New York.

The Bologolomskys saw me off.

You remember Princess Bologolomsky

In the old days? We dined the other night

At the Saffron Monkey. That’s the place to go now.

A
LEX
.
How very odd.
My
monkeys are saffron.

P
ETER
.
Your monkeys, Alex? I always said

That Alex knew everybody. But I didn’t know

That he knew any monkeys.

J
ULIA
.
                                         But give us your news;

Give us your news of the world, Peter.

We lead such a quiet life, here in London.

P
ETER
.
You always did enjoy a leg-pull, Julia:

But you all know I’m working for Pan-Am-Eagle?

E
DWARD
.
No. Tell us, what is Pan-Am-Eagle?

P
ETER
.
You must have been living a quiet life!

Don’t you go to the movies?

L
AVINIA
.
                                     Occasionally.

P
ETER
.
                                                             Alex knows.

Did you see my last picture, Alex?

A
LEX
.
I knew about it, but I didn’t see it.

There is no cinema in Kinkanja.

P
ETER.
Kinkanja? Where’s that? They don’t have pictures?

Pan-Am-Eagle must look into this.

Perhaps it would be a good place to make one.

— Alex knows all about Pan-Am-Eagle:

It was he who introduced me to the great Bela.

J
ULIA
.
And who is the great Bela?

P
ETER
.
                                             Why, Bela Szogody —

He’s my boss. I thought everyone knew
his
name.

J
ULIA
.
Is he your connection in California, Alex?

A
LEX
.
Yes, we have sometimes obliged each other.

P
ETER
.
Well, it was Bela sent me over

Just for a week. And I have my hands full

I’m going down tonight, to Boltwell.

J
ULIA
.
To stay with the Duke?

P
ETER
.
                                      And do him a good turn.

We’re making a film of English life

And we want to use Boltwell.

J
ULIA
.
                                            But I understood that Boltwell

Is in a very decayed condition.

P
ETER
.
Exactly. It is. And that’s why we’re interested.

The most decayed noble mansion in England!

At least, of any that are still inhabited.

We’ve got a team of experts over

To study the decay, so as to reproduce it.

Then we build another Boltwell in California.

J
ULIA
.
But what is your position, Peter?

Have you become an expert on decaying houses?

P
ETER
.
Oh dear no! I’ve written the script of this film,

And Bela is very pleased with it.