Complete Works, Volume I (17 page)

GUS
. Nor have I.

BEN
. You'll have to wait.

GUS
. What for?

BEN
. For Wilson.

GUS
. He might not come. He might just send a message. He doesn't always come.

BEN
. Well, you'll have to do without it, won't you?

GUS
. Blimey.

BEN
. You'll have a cup of tea afterwards. What's the matter with you?

GUS
. I like to have one before.

BEN
holds the revolver up to the light and polishes it.

BEN
. You'd better get ready anyway.

GUS
. Well, I don't know, that's a bit much, you know, for my money.

He picks up a packet of tea from the bed and throws it into the bag.

I hope he's got a shilling, anyway, if he comes. He's entitled to have. After all, it's his place, he could have seen there was enough gas for a cup of tea.

BEN
. What do you mean, it's his place?

GUS
. Well, isn't it?

BEN
. He's probably only rented it. It doesn't have to be his place.

GUS
. I know it's his place. I bet the whole house is. He's not even laying on any gas now either.

GUS
sits on his bed.

It's his place all right. Look at all the other places. You go to this address, there's a key there, there's a teapot, there's never a soul in sight – (
He pauses.
) Eh, nobody ever hears a thing, have you ever thought of that? We never get any complaints, do we, too much noise or anything like that? You never see a soul, do you? – except the bloke who comes. You ever noticed that? I wonder if the walls are sound-proof. (
He touches the wall above his bed.
) Can't tell. All you do is wait, eh? Half the time he doesn't even bother to put in an appearance, Wilson.

BEN
. Why should he? He's a busy man.

GUS
(
thoughtfully
). I find him hard to talk to, Wilson. Do you know that, Ben?

BEN
. Scrub round it, will you?

Pause.

GUS
. There are a number of things I want to ask him. But I can never get round to it, when I see him.

Pause.

I've been thinking about the last one.

BEN
. What last one?

GUS
. That girl.

BEN
grabs the paper, which he reads.

(
Rising, looking down at
BEN
). How many times have you read that paper?

BEN
slams the paper down and rises.

BEN
(
angrily
). What do you mean?

GUS
. I was just wondering how many times you'd –

BEN
. What are you doing, criticizing me?

GUS
. No, I was just –

BEN
. You'll get a swipe round your earhole if you don't watch your step.

GUS
. Now look here, Ben –

BEN
. I'm not looking anywhere! (
He addresses the room.
) How many times have I –! A bloody liberty!

GUS
. I didn't mean that.

BEN
. You just get on with it, mate. Get on with it, that's all.

BEN
gets back on the bed.

GUS
. I was just thinking about that girl, that's all.

GUS
sits on his bed.

She wasn't much to look at, I know, but still. It was a mess though, wasn't it? What a mess. Honest, I can't remember a mess like that one. They don't seem to hold together like
men, women. A looser texture, like. Didn't she spread, eh? She didn't half spread. Kaw! But I've been meaning to ask you.

BEN
sits up and clenches his eyes.

Who clears up after we've gone? I'm curious about that. Who does the clearing up? Maybe they don't clear up. Maybe they just leave them there, eh? What do you think? How many jobs have we done? Blimey, I can't count them. What if they never clear anything up after we've gone.

BEN
(
pityingly
). You mutt. Do you think we're the only branch of this organization? Have a bit of common. They got departments for everything.

GUS
. What cleaners and all?

BEN
. You birk!

GUS
. No, it was that girl made me start to think –

There is a loud clatter and racket in the bulge of wall between the beds, of something descending. They grab their revolvers, jump up and face the wall. The noise comes to a stop. Silence. They look at each other
.
BEN
gestures sharply towards the wall
.
GUS
approaches the wall slowly. He bangs it with his revolver. It is hollow.
BEN
moves to the head of his bed, his revolver cocked.
GUS
puts his revolver on his bed and pats along the bottom of the centre panel. He finds a rim. He lifts the panel. Disclosed is a serving-hatch, a ‘dumb waiter’. A wide box is held by pulleys
.
GUS
peers into the box. He brings out a piece of paper.

BEN
. What is it?

GUS
. You have a look at it.

BEN
. Read it.

GUS
(
reading
). Two braised steak and chips. Two sago puddings. Two teas without sugar.

BEN
. Let me see that. (
He takes the paper.
)

GUS
(
to himself
). Two teas without sugar.

BEN
. Mmnn.

GUS
. What do you think of that?

BEN
. Well –

The box goes up.
BEN
levels his revolver.

GUS
. Give us a chance! They're in a hurry, aren't they?

BEN
re-reads the note.
GUS
looks over his shoulder.

That's a bit – that's a bit funny, isn't it?

BEN
(
quickly
). No. It's not funny. It probably used to be a café here, that's all. Upstairs. These places change hands very quickly.

GUS
. A café?

BEN
. Yes.

GUS
. What, you mean this was the kitchen, down here?

BEN
. Yes, they change hands overnight, these places. Go into liquidation. The people who run it, you know. they don't find it a going concern, they move out.

GUS
. You mean the people who ran this place didn't find it a going concern and moved out?

BEN
. Sure.

GUS
. W
ELL
,
WHO’S GOT IT NOW
?

Silence.

BEN
. What do you mean, who's got it now?

GUS
. Who's got it now? If they moved out, who moved in?

BEN
. Well, that all depends –

The box descends with a clatter and bang.
BEN
levels his revolver.
GUS
goes to the box and brings out a piece of paper.

GUS
(
reading
). Soup of the day. Liver and onions. Jam tart.
A pause,
GUS
looks at
BEN
.
BEN
takes the note and reads it. He walks slowly to the hatch.
GUS
follows.
BEN
looks into the hatch but not up it.
GUS
puts his hand on
BEN
’
S
shoulder.
BEN
throws it off.
GUS
puts his finger to his mouth. He leans
on the hatch and swiftly looks up it.
BEN
flings him away in alarm.
BEN
looks at the note. He throws his revolver on the bed and speaks with decision.

BEN
. We'd better send something up.

GUS
. Eh?

BEN
. We'd better send something up.

GUS
. Oh! Yes. Yes. Maybe you're right.

They are both relieved at the decision.

BEN
(
purposefully
). Quick! What have you got in that bag?

GUS
. Not much.

GUS
goes to the hatch and shouts up it.

Wait a minute!

BEN
. Don't do that!

GUS
examines the contents of the bag and brings them out, one by one.

GUS
. Biscuits. A bar of chocolate. Half a pint of milk.

BEN
. That all?

GUS
. Packet of tea.

BEN
. Good.

GUS
. We can't send the tea. That's all the tea we've got.

BEN
. Well, there's no gas. You can't do anything with it, can you?

GUS
. Maybe they can send us down a bob.

BEN
. What else is there?

GUS
(
reaching into bag
). One Eccles cake.

BEN
. One Eccles cake?

GUS
. Yes.

BEN
. You never told me you had an Eccles cake.

GUS
. Didn't I?

BEN
. Why only one? Didn't you bring one for me?

GUS
. I didn't think you'd be keen.

BEN
. Well, you can't send up one Eccles cake, anyway.

GUS
. Why not?

BEN
. Fetch one of those plates.

GUS
. All right.

GUS
goes towards the door, left, and stops.

Do you mean I can keep the Eccles cake then?

BEN
. Keep it?

GUS
. Well, they don't know we've got it, do they?

BEN
. That's not the point.

GUS
. Can't I keep it?

BEN
. No, you can't. Get the plate.

GUS
exits, left
.
BEN
looks in the bag. He brings out a packet of crisps. Enter
GUS
with a plate.

(
Accusingly, holding up the crisps
). Where did these come from?

GUS
. What?

BEN
. Where did these crisps come from?

GUS
. Where did you find them?

BEN
(
hitting him on the shoulder
). You're playing a dirty game, my lad!

GUS
. I only eat those with beer!

BEN
. Well, where were you going to get the beer?

GUS
. I was saving them till I did.

BEN
. I'll remember this. Put everything on the plate.

They pile everything on to the plate. The box goes up without the plate.

Wait a minute!

They stand.

GUS
. It's gone up.

BEN
. It's all your stupid fault, playing about!

GUS
. What do we do now?

BEN
. We'll have to wait till it comes down.

BEN
puts the plate on the bed, puts on his shoulder holster, and starts to put on his tie.

You'd better get ready.

GUS
goes to his bed, puts on his tie, and starts to fix his holster.

GUS
. Hey, Ben.

BEN
. What?

GUS
. What's going on here?

Pause.

BEN
. What do you mean?

GUS
. How can this be a café?

BEN
. It used to be a café.

GUS
. Have you seen the gas stove?

BEN
. What about it?

GUS
. It's only got three rings.

BEN
. So what?

GUS
. Well, you couldn't cook much on three rings, not for a busy place like this.

BEN
(
irritably
). That's why the service is slow!

BEN
puts on his waistcoat.

GUS
. Yes, but what happens when we're not here? What do they do then? All these menus coming down and nothing going up. It might have been going on like this for years.

BEN
brushes his jacket.

What happens when we go?

BEN
puts on his jacket.

They can't do much business.

The box descends. They turn about.
GUS
goes
to the hatch and brings out a note.

GUS
(
reading
). Macaroni Pastitsio. Ormitha Macarounada.

BEN
. What was that?

GUS
. Macaroni Pastitsio. Ormitha Macarounada.

BEN
. Greek dishes.

GUS
. No.

BEN
. That's right.

GUS
. That's pretty high class.

BEN
. Quick before it goes up.

GUS
puts the plate in the box.

GUS
(
calling up the hatch
). Three McVitie and Price! One Lyons Red Label! One Smith's Crisps! One Eccles cake! One Fruit and Nut!