Complete Works, Volume I (25 page)

[
To the
BARMAN
.] Twenty ‘Weights’, mate.

KEDGE
regards
ALBERT.

KEDGE
: How's your Mum, Albert?

ALBERT
: All right.

KEDGE
: That's the idea.

BARMAN
: Only got ‘Woods’.

SEELEY
: They'll do.

ALBERT
[
quietly
]: What do you mean, how's my Mum?

KEDGE
: I just asked how she was, that's all.

ALBERT
: Why shouldn't she be all right?

KEDGE
: I didn't say she wasn't.

ALBERT
: Well, she is.

KEDGE
: Well, that's all right then, isn't it?

ALBERT
: What are you getting at?

KEDGE
: I don't know what's the matter with you tonight, Albert.

SEELEY
[
returning
]: What's up now?

ALBERT
: Kedge here, suddenly asks how my mother is.

KEDGE
: Just a friendly question, that's all. Gaw! You can't even ask a bloke how his mother is now without him getting niggly!

ALBERT
: Well, why's he suddenly ask—?

SEELEY
: He was just asking a friendly question, mate. What's the matter with you?

[
Pause
]

ALBERT
: Oh.

SEELEY
: Well, how is she, then?

ALBERT
: She's fine. What about yours?

SEELEY
: Fine. Fine.

[
Pause.
]

KEDGE
: Mine's fine too, you know. Great. Absolutely great. A marvel for her age, my mother is. Of course, she had me very late.

[
Pause.
]

SEELEY
: Well? Are you coming or not? Or what?

KEDGE
: I'm coming.

ALBERT
[
following
]: I'm coming.

SCENE FIVE

The kitchen. The
MOTHER
is putting
ALBERT’S
dinner into the oven. She takes the alarm clock from the mantelpiece and puts it on the table. She takes out a pack of cards, sits at the table and begins to lay out a game of patience. Close up of her, broodingly setting out the cards. Close up of the clock. It is seven forty-five.

Act Two

SCENE ONE

The lounge of
MR. KING’S
house. The party is in progress.
KEDGE
and
BETTY
are dancing. Music comes from a radiogram.
MR. KING
,
an urbane man in his fifties
,
GIDNEY
,
the chief accountant, in his late twenties
,
SEELEY
and
ALBERT
,
are standing in a group.
JOYCE
and
EILEEN
are at the table which serves as a bar. Two men and a woman of indeterminate age sit holding drinks.
HORNE
and
BARROW
,
two young clerks, stand by the door.
MR. RYAN
,
the old man, sits in the centre of the room, smiling.

JOYCE
: You enjoying the party, Mr. Ryan?

RYAN
nods and smiles.

EILEEN
[
pleasantly
]: Enjoying the party, are you?

He nods, winks and smiles.

KING:
I recommend a bicycle, honestly. It really keeps you up to the mark. Out in the morning, on the bike, through the town . . . the air in your lungs, muscles working . . . you arrive at work . . . you arrive at work fresh . . . you know what I mean? Uplifted.

GIDNEY:
Not so good in the rain.

KING:
Refreshes you! Clears the cobwebs. [
He laughs.
]

SEELEY
: You don't walk to work, do you, Gidney?

GIDNEY:
Me? I've got the car.

KING:
I drive too, of course, but I often think seriously of taking up cycling again. I often think very seriously about it, you know.

JOYCE
[
to
RYAN
]: Nice party, isn't it, Mr. Ryan?

RYAN
nods and inclines his head, smiling.

KEDGE
[
dancing
]: You dance like a dream, Betty, you know that?

BETTY
[
shyly
]: I don't.

KEDGE
: You do. Honest. Like a dream. Like a dream come true.

BETTY:
You're just saying that.

KING:
Well, Kedge looks all right again, doesn't he? What was the matter with him? I've forgotten.

SEELEY
: Stomach trouble.

KING:
Not enough exercise. [
To
KEDGE
.] You'll have to see you get more exercise, Kedge!

KEDGE
[
passing
]: You never said a truer word, Mr. King.

SEELEY
: Well, he don't look in bad trim to me, Mr. King.

They laugh.

KING:
I must admit it.

GIDNEY:
He'll never get to the last lap with that one, I can tell you.

KING
[
smiling
]: Now, now, you young men, that's quite enough of that. No more of that.

GIDNEY
[
pleasantly
]: What are you laughing at, Stokes?

ALBERT
: What?

GIDNEY:
Sorry. I thought you were laughing.

ALBERT
: I was laughing. You made a joke.

GIDNEY:
Oh yes, of course. Sorry.

[
Pause.
]

Well, we've got Kedge back at left back next Saturday.

KING:
Yes. Excuse me.

SEELEY
: That's a lovely pair of shoes you're wearing, Gidney.

GIDNEY:
Do you think so?

SEELEY
: Oh, they're the best, the very best, aren't they, Albert? Gidney always wears a nice pair of shoes, doesn't he, you noticed that? That's one thing I'll say about you, Gidney—you carry your feet well.

EILEEN
: A mambo! Who's going to dance?

SEELEY
: I'll give it a trot.

SEELEY
and
EILEEN
dance.

GIDNEY:
Don't you dance, Stokes?

ALBERT
: Yes, sometimes.

GIDNEY:
Do you? You will excuse me, won't you?

ALBERT
: Yes.

ALBERT
is left standing.

KING:
Well, Ryan, enjoying the party?

RYAN
nods, smiles.

Nice to see a lot of young people enjoying themselves, eh?

RYAN
nods, smiles.

Of course, it's all in your honour, old man. Let's fill you up. I'll be the oldest man in the office after you've gone.

GIDNEY
and
JOYCE
,
whispering.

JOYCE:
No. Why should I?

GIDNEY:
Go on. Just for a lark.

JOYCE:
What for?

GIDNEY:
For a lark. Just for a lark.

JOYCE:
You've got an evil mind, you have.

GIDNEY:
No, it'll amuse me, that's all. I feel like being amused.

JOYCE:
Well, I'm not going to.

GIDNEY:
Gah, you wouldn't know how to, anyway.

JOYCE:
Oh, wouldn't I?

GIDNEY [
taking her arm
]: Get hold of Eileen, don't tell her I told you though, and go over and lead him a dance, just lead him a dance, that's all, see what he does. I want to see his reaction, that's all, I just want to see how he takes it.

JOYCE:
What, in front of everyone else, in front of—?

GIDNEY:
Just talk to him, talk to him. I don't mean anything else, do I?

JOYCE:
What do I get if I do?

GIDNEY:
A toffee apple.

JOYCE:
Oh, really? Thank you.

GIDNEY:
I'll take you for a ride in the car. Honest.

SEELEY [
dancing
]: Hullo, Mr. Ryan. Enjoying the party?

EILEEN
: You dance well, don't you?

SEELEY
: I was going in for ballet once.

EILEEN:
Go on!

SEELEY
: Yes, true. They offered me the leading part in
Rigoletto.
When I was a boy soprano.

EILEEN:
You're making it up.

GIDNEY [
to
JOYCE
]: No, he just irritates me, that bloke. I . . . I haven't got any time for a bloke like that.

JOYCE:
He's just quiet, that's all.

GIDNEY:
Well, see if you can wake him up.

KING
[
to
BETTY
]: Well, Miss Todd, it hasn't taken you long to get to know everyone, has it?

BETTY:
Oh no, Mr. King.

KEDGE
: I've taken her under my wing, Mr. King.

KING:
So I noticed.

KEDGE
: Yes, I've been teaching her all about mortality tables. I told her in case of fire or burglary commission and damages come to her.

KING:
I would hardly take Kedge's word as gospel, Miss Todd.

KEDGE
: You know I've got the best interests of the firm at heart, Mr. King.

GIDNEY [
drinking, with
JOYCE
]: Anyway, I'm thinking of moving on. You stay too long in a place you go daft. After all, with my qualifications I could go anywhere.

He sees
ALBERT
at the bar.

Couldn't I, Stokes?

ALBERT
: What?

GIDNEY:
I was saying, with my qualifications I could go anywhere. I could go anywhere and be anything.

ALBERT
: So could I.

GIDNEY:
Could you? What qualifications have you got?

ALBERT
: Well, I've got a few, you know.

GIDNEY:
Listen! Do you know that Chelsea wanted to sign me up a few years ago? They had a scout down to one of our games. They wanted to sign me up. And I'll tell you another thing as well. I could turn professional cricketer any day I wanted to, if I wanted to.

ALBERT
: Then why don't you?

GIDNEY:
I don't want to.

JOYCE:
You'd look lovely in white.

GIDNEY:
These people who talk about qualifications. Just makes me laugh, that's all.

KEDGE [
in the corner of the room, in an armchair with
BETTY
]: Oh, you're lovely. You're the loveliest thing on four wheels.

KING
[
to
HORNE
and
BARROW
,
by the door
]: Well, I hope you'll both be in the team soon yourselves. I think it's a very good thing we've . . . that the firm's got a football team. And a cricket team, of course. It shows we look on the lighter side of things too. Don't you agree?

HORNE:
Oh yes, Mr. King.

BARROW:
Yes, Mr. King.

KING:
Also gives a sense of belonging. Work together and play together. Office work can become so impersonal. We like to foster . . . to foster something . . . very different. You know what I mean?

HORNE:
Oh yes, Mr. King.

BARROW:
Yes, Mr. King.

KING:
You interested in sailing, by any chance? You're quite welcome to come down to my boat at Poole any weekend—do a bit of sailing along the coast.

HORNE:
Oh, thank you, Mr. King.

BARROW:
Thank you, Mr. King.

JOYCE
and
EILEEN
,
whispering.

JOYCE
[
slyly
]: Eh, what about going over and cheering up old Albert?

EILEEN:
What for?

JOYCE:
Well, he looks a bit gloomy, don't he?

EILEEN:
I don't want to go over. You go over.

JOYCE:
No, come on. You come over.

EILEEN:
What for?

JOYCE:
Cheer him up. For a bit of fun.

EILEEN:
Oh, you're awful.

JOYCE:
Come on. Come over.

KING
[
to
RYAN
]: Can I fill your glass, Ryan?

[
RYAN
nods, and smiles.
]

Can't leave you without a drink, can we? The guest of honour.

JOYCE
and
EILEEN
sit either side of
ALBERT
on a divan.

JOYCE:
Mind if we join you?

ALBERT
: Oh, hullo.

EILEEN:
Enjoying the party?

JOYCE:
What are you sitting all gloomy about?

ALBERT
: I'm not gloomy, I'm just sitting, drinking. Feel a bit tired, actually.

JOYCE:
Why, what have you been doing?