Complete Works, Volume I (26 page)

ALBERT
: Nothing.

JOYCE:
You just said you were tired. Eh, move up, I'm on the edge.

ALBERT
: Sorry.

EILEEN:
Eh, mind out, you're squashing me.

ALBERT
: Oh . . .

JOYCE:
You squash her, she won't mind.

EILEEN
[
laughing
]: Oh, Joyce!

GIDNEY
,
with a smile, watching.

JOYCE:
Come on, tell us, what are you tired about?

ALBERT
: Oh, just work, I suppose.

JOYCE:
I've been working too. I'm not tired. I love work. Don't you, Eileen? [
She leans across him to speak.
]

EILEEN:
Oh yes, I love work.

ALBERT
: No, I'm not tired, really. I'm all right.

EILEEN:
He looks tired.

JOYCE:
You've been living it up. Women.

EILEEN:
I'll bet.

JOYCE:
Females.

The girls giggle.

ALBERT
[
with an uncertain smile
]: No, I wouldn't . . .

EILEEN:
Eh, mind your drink. My best taffeta.

JOYCE:
He's not bad looking when you get close.

EILEEN:
Quite nice when you get close.

ALBERT
: Thanks for the compliment.

EILEEN:
You got a flat of your own?

ALBERT
: No. Have you?

EILEEN
[
forlornly
]: No.

JOYCE:
You live with your mother, don't you?

ALBERT
: Yes.

JOYCE:
Does she look after you all right, then?

ALBERT
: Yes, she . . . [
He stands.
] I'm just going to the bar.

JOYCE:
So are we.

EILEEN:
Me too.

They follow.

KING:
Well, now everyone . . .

JOYCE:
I'm having gin.

ALBERT
: Gin? Wait a minute . . .

KING:
Just a minute, everyone, can I have your attention?

GIDNEY [
to
JOYCE
]: Didn't make much impression, did you?

JOYCE:
Didn't I?

KING:
Just for a moment, please . . .

GIDNEY:
Eh, Stokes, pay attention, will you?

ALBERT
: What?

GIDNEY:
Mr. King wants your attention.

KING:
I'd just like to propose a toast to our guest of honour, Mr. Ryan. Gidney!

GIDNEY:
Yes?

ALBERT
: Here's your gin, then.

JOYCE:
Thanks.

KING
[
to
GIDNEY
]: Go and get Kedge out of that corner, will you? Now, as you know, we're all gathered here tonight to pay our respects to our old friend and colleague, Mr. Ryan . . .

KEDGE
and
BETTY
are locked together in the armchair.
GIDNEY
taps
KEDGE
on the shoulder.

GIDNEY:
Mr. King wants to know if you'll honour the party with your presence.

KEDGE [
jumping up
]: Oh, sorry, [
BETTY
,
thrown off, falls. He picks her up.
] Sorry.

KING:
We've all known Mr. Ryan for a very long time. Of course, I've known him myself much longer than anyone here—

KEDGE
: For he's a jolly good fellow—

KING:
Wait! Very glad for your enthusiasm, Mr. Kedge. Your heart, I am quite sure, is in the right place.

General laughter.

ALBERT, EILEEN, JOYCE, SEELEY
and
GIDNEY
stand in a group around
MR. RYAN’S
chair.

But please allow me to toast Mr. Ryan first and then the floor is yours. Well, as I was saying, the whole department is here tonight to pay tribute to a man who from time immemorial has become, how shall I put it, the very core of our little community. I remember Mr. Ryan sitting at his very own desk the first time my father brought me into the office—

A sharp scream and stiffening from
EILEEN
.
All turn to her.

Good heavens!

GIDNEY:
What is it?

ADLIB
: What's happened? Eileen, what's the matter?

EILEEN:
Someone touched me!

JOYCE:
Touched you?

EILEEN:
Someone touched me! Someone—!

BETTY:
What did he do?

KEDGE
: Touched you? What did he do?

JOYCE:
What did he do, Eileen?

EILEEN:
He . . . he . . . he took a liberty!

KEDGE
: Go on! Who did?

EILEEN
turns and stares at
ALBERT.
Silence. All stare at
ALBERT.

ALBERT
: What are you looking at me for?

GIDNEY [
muttering
]: Good God . . .

Tense, embarrassed pause.

HORNE
[
at the door, whispering
]: What did he do, touch her?

BARROW
[
open-mouthed
]: Yes.

HORNE
[
wide-eyed
]: Where?

They look at each other, open-mouthed and wide-eyed.

ALBERT
: What are you looking at me for?

KING:
Please, now . . . can we possibly . . . I mean . . .

EILEEN [
in a voice of reproach, indignation and horror
]: Albert!

ALBERT
: What do you mean?

SEELEY
: How does she know it was Albert?

KEDGE
: Wonder what he did. Made her jump didn't he?

ALBERT
: Now look, wait a minute, this is absolutely ridiculous—

GIDNEY:
Ridiculous, eh? I'll say it is. What do you think you're up to?

EILEEN:
Yes, I was just standing there, suddenly this hand. . .

JOYCE:
I could tell he was that sort.

The camera closes on
MR. RYAN’S
hand, resting comfortably on his knee, and then to his face which, smiling vaguely, is inclined to the ceiling. It must be quite clear from the expression that it was his hand which strayed.

GIDNEY:
Come out here, Albert.

ALBERT
: Don't pull me. What are you doing?

SEELEY
: How do you know it was him?

ALBERT
[
throwing off
GIDNEY’S
hand
]: Let go of me!

SEELEY
: What are you pulling him for?

GIDNEY:
You keep out of this.

KING
[
nervously
]: Now please let me continue my toast, ladies and gentlemen. Really, you must settle this elsewhere.

SEELEY
: We don't even know what he's supposed to have done.

ALBERT
: I didn't do anything.

GIDNEY:
We can guess what he did.

KING
[
at speed
]: We are all collected here tonight in honour of Mr. Ryan and to present him with a token of our affection—

JOYCE
[
to
ALBERT
]: You snake!

SEELEY
: Well, what did he do? What's he supposed to have done?

ALBERT
: She doesn't know what she's talking about.

SEELEY
: Come on, what's he supposed to have done, Eileen, anyway?

EILEEN:
Mind you own business.

JOYCE:
You don't think she's going to tell you, do you?

GIDNEY:
Look, Seeley, why don't you shut up?

SEELEY
: Now don't talk to me like that, Gidney.

ALBERT
: Don't worry about him, Seeley.

KING:
As I have been trying to say—

JOYCE:
You come over here, Eileen, sit down. She's upset, aren't you?

EILEEN [
to
SEELEY
]: So would you be!

KING:
Miss Phipps, would you mind composing yourself?

EILEEN:
Composing myself!

GIDNEY:
Come outside a minute, Albert.

KING:
As I have been trying to say—

KEDGE [
brightly
]: I'm listening, Mr. King!

KING:
What?

KEDGE
: I'm listening. I'm with you.

KING:
Oh, thank you. Thank you, my boy.

ALBERT
: I'm going, anyway.

ALBERT
goes into the hall, followed by
GIDNEY
and
SEELEY
.
The door shuts behind them.

GIDNEY:
Wait a minute, Stokes.

ALBERT
: What do you want?

GIDNEY:
I haven't been satisfied with your . . . sort of . . . behaviour for some time, you know that, don't you?

ALBERT
: You haven't . . . you haven't what?

GIDNEY:
For instance, there was that bloody awful game of football you played when you threw the game away last Saturday that I've got on my mind, besides one or two other things !

SEELEY
: Eh look, Gidney, you're talking like a prize—

GIDNEY [
viciously
]: I've told you to keep out of this.

ALBERT
[
tensely
]: I'm going, anyway.

GIDNEY:
Wait a minute, let's have it out. What do you think you're up to?

ALBERT
: Look, I've told you—

GIDNEY:
What did you think you were doing with that girl?

ALBERT
: I didn't touch her.

GIDNEY:
I'm responsible for that girl. She's a good friend of mine. I know her uncle.

ALBERT
: Do you?

SEELEY
: You know, you're being so stupid, Gidney—

GIDNEY:
Seeley, I can take you any day, you know that, don't you?

SEELEY
: Go on!

GIDNEY:
Any day.

SEELEY
: You can take me any day?

GIDNEY:
Any day.

SEELEY
: Well, go on, then. Go on . . . if you can take me . . .

ALBERT
: Seeley—

SEELEY
: No, if he says he can take me, if he can take me any day . . .

The door opens slightly
.
HORNE
and
BARROW
peer out.

ALBERT
: Gidney, why don't you . . . why don't you get back to the party?

GIDNEY:
I was telling you, Albert—

ALBERT
: Stokes.

GIDNEY:
I was telling you, Albert, that if you're going to behave like a boy of ten in mixed company—

ALBERT
: I told you my name's Stokes!

GIDNEY:
Don't be childish, Albert.

A sudden silence.
MR. KING’S
voice from the room.

KING:
. . . and for his unfailing good humour and cheeriness, Mr. Ryan will always be remembered at Hislop, King and Martindale!

Scattered applause.
HORNE
,
caught by their stares, shuts the door hastily.

ALBERT
[
going to the door
.]: Goodnight.

GIDNEY [
obstructing him
]: Go back and apologize.

ALBERT
: What for?

GIDNEY:
For insulting a lady, Mate. A lady. Something to do with breeding. But I suppose you're too bloody backward to know anything about that.

ALBERT
: You're talking right out of your hat.

SEELEY
: Right out of the bowler.

GIDNEY [
to
SEELEY
]: No one invited you out here, did they?

SEELEY
: Who invited you?

GIDNEY:
I'm talking to this man on behalf of the firm! Unless I get a satisfactory explanation I shall think seriously about recommending his dismissal.

ALBERT
: Get out of my way, will you?

GIDNEY:
Acting like an animal all over the place—

ALBERT
: Move out of it!

GIDNEY [
breathlessly
]: I know your trouble.

ALBERT
: Oh, yes?

GIDNEY:
Yes, sticks out a mile.

ALBERT
: Does it?

GIDNEY:
Yes.

ALBERT
: What's my trouble then?

GIDNEY [
very deliberately
]: You're a mother's boy. That's what you are. That's your trouble. You're a mother's boy.

ALBERT
hits him. There is a scuffle.
SEELEY
tries to part them. The three rock back and forth in the hall: confused blows, words and grunts.

The door of the room opens. Faces.
MR. KING
comes out.