Complete Works, Volume I (8 page)

GOLDBERG
. What makes you think you exist?

MCCANN
. You're dead.

GOLDBERG
. You're dead. You can't live, you can't think, you can't love. You're dead. You're a plague gone bad. There's no juice in you. You're nothing but an odour!

Silence. They stand over him. He is crouched in the chair. He looks up slowly and kicks
GOLDBERG
in the stomach.
GOLDBERG
falls.
STANLEY
stands.
MCCANN
seizes a chair and lifts it above his head.
STANLEY
seizes a chair and covers his head with it.
MCCANN
and
STANLEY
circle.

GOLDBERG
. Steady, McCann.

STANLEY
(
circling
). Uuuuuhhhhh!

MCCANN
. Right, Judas.

GOLDBERG
(
rising
). Steady, McCann.

MCCANN
. Come on!

STANLEY
. Uuuuuuuhhhhh!

MCCANN
. He's sweating.

STANLEY
. Uuuuuhhhhh!

GOLDBERG
. Easy, McCann.

MCCANN
. The bastard sweatpig is sweating.

A loud drumbeat off left, descending the stairs.
GOLDBERG
takes the chair from
STANLEY
.
They put the chairs down. They stop still. Enter
MEG
,
in evening dress, holding sticks and drum.

MEG
. I brought the drum down. I'm dressed for the party.

GOLDBERG
. Wonderful.

MEG
. You like my dress?

GOLDBERG
. Wonderful. Out of this world.

MEG
. I know. My father gave it to me. (
Placing drum on table.
) Doesn't it make a beautiful noise?

GOLDBERG
. It's a fine piece of work. Maybe Stan'll play us a little tune afterwards.

MEG
. Oh yes. Will you, Stan?

STANLEY
. Could I have my glasses?

GOLDBERG
. Ah yes. (
He holds his hand out to
MCCANN
.
MCCANN
passes him his glasses.
) Here they are. (
He holds them out for
STANLEY
,
who reaches for them
.) Here they are. (
STANLEY
takes them.
) Now. What have we got here? Enough to scuttle a liner. We've got four bottles of Scotch and one bottle of Irish.

MEG
. Oh, Mr Goldberg, what should I drink?

GOLDBERG
. Glasses, glasses first. Open the Scotch, McCann.

MEG
(
at the sideboard
). Here's my very best glasses in here.

MCCANN
. I don't drink Scotch.

GOLDBERG
. You've got the Irish.

MEG
(
bringing the glasses
). Here they are.

GOLDBERG
. Good. Mrs Boles, I think Stanley should pour the toast, don't you?

MEG
. Oh yes. Come on, Stanley. (
STANLEY
walks slowly to the table!
) Do you like my dress, Mr Goldberg?

GOLDBERG
. It's out on its own. Turn yourself round a minute. I used to be in the business. Go on, walk up there.

MEG
. Oh no.

GOLDBERG
. Don't be shy. (
He slaps her bottom.
)

MEG
. Oooh!

GOLDBERG
. Walk up the boulevard. Let's have a look at you. What a carriage. What's your opinion, McCann? Like a Countess, nothing less. Madam, now turn about and promenade to the kitchen. What a deportment!

MCCANN
(
to
STANLEY
). You can pour my Irish too.

GOLDBERG
. You look like a Gladiola.

MEG
. Stan, what about my dress?

GOLDBERG
. One for the lady, one for the lady. Now madam—your glass.

MEG
. Thank you.

GOLDBERG
. Lift your glasses, ladies and gentlemen. We'll drink a toast

MEG
. Lulu isn't here.

GOLDBERG
. It's past the hour. Now—who's going to propose the toast? Mrs Boles, it can only be you.

MEG
. Me?

GOLDBERG
. Who else?

MEG
. But what do I say?

GOLDBERG
. Say what you feel. What you honestly feel. (
MEG
looks uncertain
.) It's Stanley's birthday. Your Stanley. Look at him. Look at him and it'll come. Wait a minute, the light's too strong. Let's have proper lighting. McCann, have you got your torch?

MCCANN
(
bringing a small torch from his pocket
). Here.

GOLDBERG
. Switch out the light and put on your torch. (
MCCANN
goes to the door, switches off the light, comes back, shines the torch on
WEG
. Outside the window there is still a faint light.
) Not on the lady, on the gentleman! You must shine it on the birthday boy. (
MCCANN
shines the torch in
STANLEY’S
face.
) Now, Mrs Boles, it's all yours.

Pause.

MEG
. I don't know what to say.

GOLDBERG
. Look at him. Just look at him.

MEG
. Isn't the light in his eyes?

GOLDBERG
. No, no. Go on.

MEG
. Well—it's very, very nice to be here tonight, in my house, and I want to propose a toast to Stanley, because it's his birthday, and he's lived here for a long while now, and he's my Stanley now. And I think he's a good boy, although sometimes he's bad. (
An appreciative laugh from
GOLDBERG
.) And he's the only Stanley I know, and I know him better than all the world, although he doesn't think so. ("
Hear—hear
"
from
GOLDBERG
.) Well, I could cry because I'm so happy, having him here and not gone away, on his birthday, and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him, and all you good people here tonight. . . . (
She sobs.
)

GOLDBERG
. Beautiful! A beautiful speech. Put the light on, McCann. (
MCCANN
goes to the door.
STANLEY
remains still.
) That was a lovely toast (
The light goes on.
LULU
enters from the door, left.
GOLDBERG
comforts
MEG
.) Buck up now. Come on, smile at the birdy. That's better. Ah, look who's here.

MEG
. Lulu.

GOLDBERG
. How do you do, Lulu? I'm Nat Goldberg.

LULU
. Hallo.

GOLDBERG
. Stanley, a drink for your guest. You just missed the toast, my dear, and what a toast.

LULU
. Did I?

GOLDBERG
. Stanley, a drink for your guest. Stanley. (
STANLEY
hands a glass to
LULU
.) Right Now raise your glasses. Everyone standing up? No, not you, Stanley. You must sit down.

MCCANN
. Yes, that's right. He must sit down.

GOLDBERG
. You don't mind sitting down a minute? We're going to drink to you.

MEG
. Come on!

LULU
. Come on!

STANLEY
sits in a chair at the table.

GOLDBERG
. Right. Now Stanley's sat down. (
Taking the stage.
) Well, I want to say first that I've never been so touched to the heart as by the toast we've just heard. How often, in this day and age, do you come across real, true warmth? Once in a lifetime. Until a few minutes ago, ladies and gentlemen, I, like all of you, was asking the same question. What's happened to the love, the bonhomie, the unashamed expression of affection of the day before yesterday, that our mums taught us in the nursery?

MCCANN
. Gone with the wind.

GOLDBERG
. That's what I thought, until today. I believe in a good laugh, a day's fishing, a bit of gardening. I was very proud of my old greenhouse, made out of my own spit and faith. That's the sort of man I am. Not size but quality. A little Austin, tea in Fullers, a library book from Boots, and I'm satisfied. But just now, I say just now, the lady of the house said her piece and I for one am knocked over by the sentiments she expressed. Lucky is the man who's at the receiving end, that's what I say. (
Pause.
) How can I put it to you? We all wander on our tod through this world. It's a lonely pillow to kip on. Right!

LULU
(
admiringly
). Right!

GOLDBERG
. Agreed. But tonight, Lulu, McCann, we've known a great fortune. We've heard a lady extend the sum total of her devotion, in all its pride, plume and peacock, to a member of her own living race. Stanley, my heartfelt congratulations. I wish you, on behalf of us all, a happy birthday. I'm sure you've never been a prouder man than you are today. Mazoltov! And may we only meet at Simchahs! (
LULU
and
MEG
applaud.
) Turn out the light, McCann, while we drink the toast.

LULU
. That was a wonderful speech.

MCCANN
switches out the light, comes back, and shines the torch in
STANLEY’S
face. The light outside the window is fainter.

GOLDBERG
. Lift your glasses. Stanley—happy birthday.

MCCANN
. Happy birthday.

LULU
. Happy birthday.

MEG
. Many happy returns of the day, Stan.

GOLDBERG
. And well over the fast.

They all drink.

MEG
(
kissing him
). Oh, Stanny. . . .

GOLDBERG
. Lights!

MCCANN
. Right! (
He switches on the lights.
)

MEG
. Clink my glass, Stan.

LULU
. Mr Goldberg—

GOLDBERG
. Call me Nat.

MEG
(
to
MCCANN
). You clink my glass.

LULU
(
to
GOLDBERG
). You're empty. Let me fill you up.

GOLDBERG
. It's a pleasure.

LULU
. You're a marvellous speaker, Nat, you know that? Where did you learn to speak like that?

GOLDBERG
. You liked it, eh?

LULU
. Oh yes!

GOLDBERG
. Well, my first chance to stand up and give a lecture was at the Ethical Hall, Bayswater. A wonderful opportunity. I'll never forget it. They were all there that night. Charlotte Street was empty. Of course, that's a good while ago.

LULU
. What did you speak about?

GOLDBERG
. The Necessary and the Possible. It went like a bomb. Since then I always speak at weddings.

STANLEY
is still,
GOLDBERG
sits left of the table.
MEG
joins
MCCANN
downstage, right,
LULU
is downstage, left.
MCCANN
pours more Irish from the bottle, which he carries, into his glass.

MEG
. Let's have some of yours.

MCCANN
. In that?

MEG
. Yes.

MCCANN
. Are you used to mixing them?

MEG
. No.

MCCANN
. Give me your glass.

MEG
sits on a shoe-box, downstage, right
.
LULU
,
at the table, pours more drink for
GOLDBERG
and herself, and gives
GOLDBERG
his glass.

GOLDBERG
. Thank you.

MEG
(
to
MCCANN
). Do you think I should?

GOLDBERG
. Lulu, you're a big bouncy girl. Come and sit on my lap.

MCCANN
. Why not?

LULU
. Do you think I should?

GOLDBERG
. Try it.

MEG
(
sipping
). Very nice.

LULU
. I'll bounce up to the ceiling.

MCCANN
. I don't know how you can mix that stuff.

GOLDBERG
. Take a chance.

MEG
(
to
MCCANN
). Sit down on this stool.

LULU
sits on
GOLDBERG’S
lap.

MCCANN
. This?

GOLDBERG
. Comfortable?

LULU
. Yes thanks.

MCCANN
(
sitting
). It's comfortable.

GOLDBERG
. You know, there's a lot in your eyes.

LULU
. And in yours, too.

GOLDBERG
. Do you think so?

LULU
(
giggling
). Go on!

MCCANN
(
to
MEG
). Where'd you get it?

MEG
. My father gave it to me.

LULU
. I didn't know I was going to meet you here tonight.