Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (20 page)

T
oday was
the day my plans finally started falling into place. I’d received the lease for the shop across the street from my favorite Italian restaurant. The owner decided to retire and had some things to take care of before he closed it down for good. The nice thing was that it was already an auto body shop so I wouldn’t need to change much before it could be opened for business. There were some minor repairs needed to the inside and one of the bay doors needed replacing, but that wouldn’t take much money or time to fix. Then I’d finally be able to leave the city behind. It would feel so great knowing I wasn’t far from Grace if she needed me.

I’d texted Delaney, Andrew, and Magdalena about getting together tonight to celebrate, and they all agreed. My mom and dad were also going to join us so I didn’t have to drive all the way back to Nelson County to have to drive back here. That would be a long hour and a half.

I looked over the lease one last time, making sure I’d signed on every dotted line that had been marked before I used the fax machine in the office of my current place of employment and sent it to the relator. Once she received the lease and first month’s rent payment, which I intended to drop off tomorrow, the shop would officially be mine come the first of next month. Based on my calculations it would take me four months to get the shop the way I wanted to before it would be ready to be opened for business. It would be hard work and take long hours, but so worth the reward in the end.

“I’m heading off for the day,” I called out to my coworkers, throwing the soiled grease cloth onto my toolbox. Somehow they always got left in my back pocket. I grabbed the bag I’d brought in with me from beside my toolbox, and went to the bathroom to change out of my grease-stained clothes.

Once I was changed into the jeans and t-shirt, I threw the dirty clothes into the bag, throwing it over my shoulder and headed out to my truck.

The restaurant that we were all meeting at wasn’t too far from my work. Maybe ten minutes depending on traffic. Luckily, it was one of those places that served an assortment of dishes so it would have something everyone would want. We weren’t a picky bunch, but it made dinner a lot easier when people had options.

I pulled into the parking lot and looked around for their vehicles, but none looked familiar. It was odd that I was the first one to arrive, but I pulled into the empty parking space and decided I’d just go inside and get our name on the waiting list. We’d need a table for eight and sometimes that could take a while to obtain.

Surprisingly, after I’d given the hostess my name and party count, within minutes she signaled to me to follow her. I sat down at the table she led me to and pulled out my phone, checking to see if I had any messages and to check the time.

“You’re actually the first one here,” I heard my mom say gaining my attention from my phone. Grace had her head down on my mom’s shoulder and her thumb in her mouth looking as though she’d just woken up.

I stood and pulled the chair out for my mom and ruffled Grace’s hair as my mom sat down.

She made a grumbling noise and swatted my hand away, which wasn’t like her.

“She’s been in a foul mood today. Nothing has pacified her. Dinner should be a joyous occasion tonight,” my mom said in a sarcastic tone.

“Sorry about that, Mom. Thank you both for coming,” I said as I looked between them both.

“No problem, son,” my dad replied, taking off his hat and putting it on his knee.

We were making idle chit chat when the rest of the gang arrived. Liam walked up to my mom and tried to get Grace’s attention, but not even seeing her best friend seemed to make her happy. I’d have to talk to my mom and see if anything set her off today or if she’d made it known what she was in such a bad mood about.

We all greeted each other and everyone found seats at the table. Conveniently everyone left the seat next to me empty so Delaney had no other choice to sit beside anyone but me. I wasn’t complaining, though. When she was around, I found a sense of calm.

“Mom, Dad, you remember Delaney. This is Magdalena, Andrew, and their son Liam. I know you’ve heard me talk about all of them,” I said as I introduced them. My momma didn’t raise me to be rude and not introduce my guest.

“Honey, we’ve all already met,” she said, but I didn’t recall when they would’ve met Magdalena and her family. My mom gave me a sideways glance and a “you should know what I’m talking about” look and it clicked. They’d met when Magdalena and Andrew brought Grace home the day after Trenton’s accident. I nodded my head to let her know I understood.

The waitress came and took our drink and food orders since we all knew what we wanted by the time she came over. I glanced over at Delaney who seemed lost in thought as she stared over at something across the restaurant. I followed her gaze and found her staring at a family with a baby. Delaney had a sad expression on her face. Without wanting to put her business out there, I patted her on the knee and let my hand rest there. Her hand came down on top of my own and she gave it a gentle squeeze, her gaze never leaving the happy family.

“Well, I brought everyone here tonight to celebrate me finally obtaining the lease on the property I’d been waiting to come available as you all already know. Thanks for coming out. I know it’s a work night, but I just couldn’t wait to share my news with everyone. In about four months, Corbin Auto would be up and running for business, finally,” I announced.

Everyone congratulated me and asked me all sorts of questions about what I had planned once it was open and what type of services I’d be offering. I explained everything, pouring my heart out in my answers. I was extremely proud that this dream was coming to fruition in the midst of all the pain and heartache.

The whole time, my hand remained unseen underneath the table on top of her knee and her hand remained on mine. Even when the waitress brought all of our food, I ate with one hand, refusing to take away my comfort and support at the thoughts I hoped she’d explain later.

Throughout dinner, we all discussed plans for the upcoming summer and how I planned to fit in working at both places. Everyone tried to get Grace to eat, but she refused. When I tried to take her from my mom so she could eat her dinner, she threw a fit so I just gave in and let her stay where she was. My mom maneuvered her so she could comfortably eat and the conversation resumed.

We all lost track of time as we enjoyed each other’s company and if it weren’t for Liam almost falling asleep, we would’ve continued to talk. I checked the time and it was nearly nine, which meant everyone but Magdalena and Andrew had a long forty-five-minute drive ahead of them.

After I had received numerous refusals, I paid the check in its entirety and we all set off to leave.

Grace wiggled out of my mom’s arms and walked in front of us out of the restaurant. As I said goodbye to Magdalena, Andrew, and Liam, I heard Delaney call after Grace, asking her to wait for me or my parents’ before she walked into the parking lot.

“No. You’re not my mommy. I not listen to you,” Grace screamed, and I turned around and immediately headed over to her. She’d never yelled like that at anyone, let alone said anything about her mom in months. I don’t know why she’d do such a thing now, but I was going to put a stop to her behavior. Grace had her back to everyone and was standing at the edge of the sidewalk with her arms crossed and tapping her foot, something she’d just started doing when she got mad.

When I was a few feet away from her, Delaney signaled for my mom and dad to wait. Instead of continuing toward her, I stopped to see what would take place.

My mom and dad walked to where I stood and we waited together to see how all of this would play out.

“She’s been asking for her all day. When I told her time and time again that she couldn’t see her, she became madder than the time before. She refused to take a nap other than the little one she got on the way here. I don’t even know what brought it on. She started asking for her after breakfast and hadn’t stopped until we got here,” my mom informed me while I continued to stare at Delaney and Grace.

Delaney knelt down beside Grace and rubbed her hand up and down your arm.

“Do you miss your mommy, Grace?” Delaney asked.

Instead of verbalizing her reply, Grace nodded her head and looked away from her.

“I miss my mommy all of the time, too. It’s okay to miss her. But I’m not trying to be your mommy. I just want to be your friend if you’ll let me. You wanna know what the cool thing about me being your friend is?” Delaney asked, lacing her tone with excitement.

Grace turned toward her and nodded her head again, this time, her mood seemed to have lifted as her body stance wasn’t as tight as it was before.

“Friends buy each other presents and eat ice cream together. How cool is that? But it has to be okay with your daddy first,” Delaney replied, actually getting a smile out of Grace.

Delaney opened her arms for Grace to enter her embrace and shockingly my brooding daughter entered them returning the hug.

Delaney picked her up and walked toward us, bouncing Grace up and down on her hip as she walked. Grace giggled and threw her head back causing us all to smile and laugh.

I pulled Delaney to my side and thanked her for what she’d just done. Hopefully, Grace wouldn’t have many more of these outbursts about Mackenzie. I didn’t know how much more I could take seeing my daughter hurt for a woman who’d walked away from her.

S
ince I signed the lease
, everything had been pure chaos. I hadn’t found a balance between my day job, coming home to Grace, and getting work done at the new place. There weren’t enough hours in the day to do what needed to get done. I needed there to be three or four more of me to feel like I’d accomplished a sliver of what needed to be done.

Delaney had been busy as well. Between work and trying to find a place she liked, she didn’t have time for much else. Including coming over the way she used to. Sometimes I wondered if this was her excuse to avoid me. But in her defense, I hadn’t been home much.

My parents’ and brothers had been a godsend with agreeing to watch Grace a few nights a week so I could put in extra hours at the new shop. Only at the end of the day, I felt like a horrible father because I wasn’t around as much as she was used to. I just had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t going to be forever and in the end, this new journey in our life would be for the better.

Tonight, however, I’d decided that I needed a break. Working non-stop had begun to take a toll on me. So I texted Delaney when I got home and asked her if she wanted to come over so we could catch up. We hadn’t had much time to talk about anything too important since that night I found her in the road, and even then there were still things that hadn’t been said.

If I said that I hadn’t thought about the kiss that had occurred between us since that night, I’d be lying. I’d thought about it way more than I should. There was a war raging in my mind about whether pursuing her in that way would be worth it. But every time I tried to talk myself out of it, something made me stop and list all the reasons it was a good idea. I thought I wouldn’t want to start seeing anyone for a long time, but there was something about Delaney that made me want more out of life. Wanting to find that special someone that I was meant to be with. Only the guilt would creep in for wanting the woman my best friend loved.

Shaking my head out of those crazy thoughts, I went in the bedroom to check on Grace. She’d gone in there to get a doll but hadn’t returned.

When I opened the door, I halted my steps and smiled. She was laying on the floor with her blanket and her bear with her butt up in the air sound asleep. My dad told me that they’d played hard today and apparently her body was too tired to stay awake any longer.

I picked her up off the floor, hoping that I didn’t wake her and laid her down in her crib. Giving her a kiss on the head, I covered her with the blanket just the way she liked and tucked the bear under her arm. Luckily, when we first got home I’d washed her down and put on her pajamas or else I’d be fighting to change her clothes. I turned the light out walked out of the door, carefully shutting it behind me.

It was just a little after seven and Delaney should be here any minute. I grabbed a beer, popped the top off of the bottle, and took a long sip. The cool liquid felt good going down the back of my throat and tasted even better.

I walked over to the back door and opened it, allowing the freshness of the night air to assault my senses. I stepped out onto the deck, closing the door so I didn’t attract any bugs and took in my surroundings. The sun was setting off in the distance just behind the mountains, and I couldn’t help but admire its beauty.

I was so lost in thought that I didn’t hear her come up behind me. The only inclination that she’d arrived was when she put her hands over my eyes. “Guess who?” she whispered softly.

I laughed and turned around, wrapping my arms around her. She rested her head on my chest and relaxed into my embrace. For a few long moments, neither of us moved. We just stood there on my back deck wrapped in each other’s arms. Something that shouldn’t feel as right as it did.

She pulled back and looked up at me. I took in the sight of her in her midnight blue scrubs with the hospital logo on the front. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she didn’t have any makeup on her face. When I looked at her lips, I had to turn my head away quickly because there was no way in hell I’d focus on those. If anything ever happened again in that regard, it would be after we talked about it first.

In great detail.

“Did you just come from work?” I said as I backed away from her and took a swig of the beer that I still held in my hand.

“Yeah, I didn’t have time to change before I left work, so you get me in these grungy old things tonight,” she said with a smile.

“Do you want anything to drink?”

“One of those,” she said as she pointed to the bottle in my hand.

“Not a chance, sweetheart,” I said as I walked around her and into the house.

She followed closely behind telling me that she was just kidding and that she’d like a water if I had any.

I grabbed the bottle out of the fridge and turned around to face her. I focused on her eyes noticing the exhaustion and stress. That wasn’t good for her or the baby. She needed to relax.

I handed her the bottle of water, our fingers grazing slightly. Instead of pulling away, I let them linger until she pulled her hand away. Diverting her eyes, she stared out the open back door.

“You want to grab a blanket and lay out in the field tonight?” I asked, hoping she’d want to enjoy the evening weather since it had cooled off tremendously since earlier. I finished off my beer and threw the bottle into the trash, a loud clanking noise sounded throughout the room.

“Sure,” she beamed. I loved how much she seemed to love the outdoors. In the few times I’d suggested that we hang out outside, she’d always complied with what I wanted and even seemed happy about it.

I walked down the hall to the linen closet and grabbed an old quilt. Quietly, I walked into Grace’s room and turned on the monitor and grabbed the receiver just in case she woke up which was rare.

“Did you already eat? I can make you something,” I asked as I stopped in the kitchen and waited for her response.

“I picked up a sub on the way home and ate it while I drove here,” she said, turning to walk out the door.

I was a few feet behind her as I walked down the steps and in the direction she was headed. She stopped and turned around, looking over the space then asked if the spot would be okay. I looked around to make sure there weren’t any sticks on the ground and nodded my head.

I spread out the blanket and once she had sat down, I sat down as well.

“It’s beautiful out here at night when the sun is setting,” she said. The sun had almost fully set behind the mountains, lighting the sky in a pink and orange glow.

“I’ve always loved the sunsets and sunrises here. They calm me when I’ve had a bad day or help me start the day off right. I think they’ll always be a favorite of mine.”

“What’s something else that you love about living here?” she asked as she put her hands behind her and leaned back on her arms.

“I love the summers. Going swimming, catching lightning bugs, grilling out with the family. The list could go on and on. But I also love all of the other seasons as well for various other reasons. I don’t think there’s anything that I don’t like about being here,” I said with pride.

“Why do you love catching lightning bugs so much?” she giggled.

“Growing up, we’d have races to see who could catch them the fastest. We’d get mason jars and just run around trying to find them lighting up. It’s at that moment when I had a few in my jar and they lit up that I had their beauty lighting up my life. I know I sound like a girl, but whenever I think about a lightning bug to this day, I always picture the jar with ten or so in it, and their light illuminating my life.”

“Wow. That’s deep,” she said trying to contain her laughter.

“Have you been to the doctor yet?” I asked as I shrugged my shoulders in response to her comment.

“Yes. He confirmed my pregnancy and gave me a December eighteenth due date. Looks like I’m going to have a Christmas baby if all goes well,” she replied as she rubbed tiny circles across her stomach. Worry instantly crossed her features and I felt bad for bringing it up.

“I’m glad. Have you told anyone yet?”

“My work knows, and I finally found the courage to call Trenton’s mom yesterday. She’s reached out a few times since I’ve been back, but I’d ignored all of her attempts to see me because I didn’t know how to react. She came to the hospital to have lunch with me on a whim and I told her. If we weren’t in public, I believe her reaction would’ve been worse. She cried so hard I didn’t think she’d ever stop. And of course my hormones got the best of me, and I cried right along with her. She begged me to not let anything happen to the last piece of her son. Since those words left her mouth all I’ve done is worry about letting her down if something happens to this baby,” she said as she flopped down on her back on the blanket.

I laid down beside her and turned my gaze to the star-filled sky above. I didn’t say anything for a few long minutes so she could regain her composure. I heard the sadness in her voice as she recalled the events from the prior day, and I felt for her having the added stress.

“She’s just happy that she gets this one final piece of him. I can understand where she’s coming from, but she shouldn’t have voiced those concerns to you. Did the doctor indicate that you had anything to worry about?” I asked, hoping that my words would be the start of her alleviating some of the stress she felt.

“No, he said everything looked great. He performed another ultrasound and tried to see if he could see the sex of the baby, but he or she kept their legs closed tight. When I go back in four weeks they’re going to try again since I’ll be twenty weeks,” she explained.

“Then don’t worry until you have to. Don’t take her words to heart. Just let them roll right off of you. How are you handling the news now? Any more breakdowns?” I asked, concerned that she’d have another moment like the night out on the road, only I wouldn’t be there to save her.

“I’m still sad that he won’t be here and our child won’t ever have any memories of him. I got off work early the other day and went to his gravesite. I sat there for two hours and just talked, letting all of my emotions flow freely. I screamed and laughed and then cried for everything we lost. Somehow, it made me feel better. Like I was able to gain some closure just by talking to him. After I had my breakdown, I told him everything about the doctor’s appointment and how well the baby was doing. It seemed crazy to have a conversation with a stone since I know he’s not there, but it felt good to have a place where no one would bother me and I could just let it all out. The whole two hours was very therapeutic. I’m nowhere near done grieving over him, but I’m getting to the point where I don’t feel like I’m suffocating every day. Having this baby inside me has given me a reason to move through the grieving process and look forward to what’s to come,” she admitted while she stared up at the twinkling stars above.

I rolled onto my side to face her and bent my elbow, putting my hand under my head to have a place to rest it. She looked up at me, pain, tiredness, sorrow all flooding the depths of her tear-filled eyes.

With my other hand, I traced her jaw line and caressed her cheek. She shut her eyes and moved into my touch.

Softly, I spoke the following words, “Between the two of us, along with Trenton’s parents’ and his other friends, this baby will feel like he or she knew him. We can constantly talk about him and share our memories of him so that he lives on through this child. I’m glad that you went there to see him and talk to him. I’ve found that it helps me feel better, too. I’ve been a couple of times myself and each time I felt like he was sitting right beside me listening to all my worries and frustrations. I’m also glad you’re looking to the future and where it will lead once the baby comes. Have you found a place to live yet?”

She opened her eyes and looked directly into mine as she scooted closer to me. When her body was flush against mine, she leaned her head to rest against my chest.

“I can’t find anything I like. Every place that you suggested I find something wrong with. I don’t have much more time and continuing to stay at the inn is becoming too expensive. I’m hoping I find something soon. I don’t want to be moving when I have a beach ball for a stomach.”

“Move in here with me and Grace,” I suggested. The moment the words were out of my mouth, shock moved through me.

What the hell are you thinking, moron? That’s wrong on so many levels.
My subconscious scolded me as I shook my head in disbelief that the suggestion had even came out of my mouth.

“Are you crazy? We don’t know each other that well. Grace likes me but she’s still getting used to me. And I’m about to have a baby. That’s a lot to take on in a roommate,” she said.

I understood where she came from, but it was a solution to her problems and I’d always tried to fix everyone’s problems. Except my own. Those I just ignored like the plague.

“No, I’m not crazy. It doesn’t have to be forever. It’s just temporary until you find something. And if you can’t find something before the baby’s born at least you’ll have someplace to bring him or her home to and not worry. Just think about it. The offer will be open for as long as you may need it.”

“I’ll think about it,” she said as she rolled on her side to get more comfortable. Her hand rested between our bodies on her stomach, and it warmed my heart to see how protective she was when it came to the baby growing inside of her. She was going to be a great mother. I wrapped my arm around her and laid my head down on my other arm enjoying the peacefulness of the crickets chirping in the background.

In the back of my mind, I felt my subconscious rearing its ugly head. Asking why I laid here with her in my arms. How dangerous it was to continue getting closer to her. How eventually I’d have to face the music that she may never get over him. But I couldn’t begin to care. Because laying here with her was innocent. Two friends consoling one another. If my feelings grew, I’d handle it then. Until then, I’d allow her to continue to unknowingly calm the storm that continued to brew inside of me daily. Here lately I had other things to focus on and the rage stayed on the backburner because I was too tired to even think let alone feel when I came home.