Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (16 page)

“Let’s go have some fun, girls,” I said enjoying the feeling of the summer sun beaming down and the smell of the outdoors around me. There was nothing better than being outdoors and seeing the smile on Grace’s face as we picked up the baskets and set out to pick strawberries.

We walked up and down the aisles picking fruit as we went. Grace loved picking them and filling up the buckets. Her brows were furrowed and her lips tight as she concentrated while picking the berries. Each berry she picked, she had to make sure it was the one she wanted, sometimes taking a minute to make the decision. I loved her determination, even at her age, to do something her way, in her own time.

“She seems to be having fun,” Delany pointed toward Grace, a half full bucket in her hand.

“This is her second time coming. The first she won’t remember since she was barely a year old, and she didn’t get to participate. She’s always loved to be outside. When we lived in the city, she didn’t get to go outside like she does here and she’d get mad when we couldn’t go. Now she’s so much happier when she can just run around until she tires herself out. The adjustment with moving here wasn’t hard on her at all. She took to it like she’d lived here her whole life.”

“Where’s her mom?” she asked, but turned to look the other way once the question escaped her lips. I looked over at her trying to see her facial expression and caught a small glimpse of guilt pass across her face. I could tell from that look alone that she felt sorry for prying.

“You can ask. It’s okay. I just don’t want Grace to hear. She left one day and hasn’t come back. She signed her rights over without a second thought and walked away from me and her daughter,” I said, clenching my teeth in an attempt to hide my emotions regarding the topic. I didn’t want her to feel like she’d ruined our day by asking.

“I don’t know what to say. That’s horrible,” she said through a gasp, pity crossing her features. I didn’t want nor need her pity. Neither did Grace. But I knew it was a normal reaction so I didn’t address it. Most people reacted the same way when I’d told them what Mackenzie had done.

We continued to walk and pick berries down three more rows before our three baskets were full. Luckily, my mom and brothers knew that we’d planned on coming here so they could be prepared for the fruit they were about to receive.

Grace looked like she was getting tuckered out from all of her concentrating and running around. I looked at my phone and noticed we’d been here for two hours. Time flies when you’re having fun.

Grace walked along side us while we walked back to the front of the orchard to check out. Her steps faltered every once and a while causing me to pick up my pace so we could get her into the truck. She’d probably be asleep before we made it down the driveway that lead to the orchard.

We checked out and walked back to the parking lot. I put the baskets of strawberries on the floorboard behind my seat and then walked around to put Grace in the truck. I buckled her in and grabbed her blanket and bear out of the bag on the floor. I was shocked she didn’t throw a fit when she didn’t have them while we were out there, but keeping her occupied had apparently helped.

I climbed into the truck and pulled my phone out of my pocket, scrolling through the contacts. I planned on stopping by Vito’s, an Italian restaurant on the way back to my house, but Grace was almost asleep. Instead, I’d get it to go and we could have lunch at home.

“What kind of Italian food do you like? I’m going to order something from the restaurant that I planned to take everyone to but get it to go instead,” I asked Delaney before I pressed send on the phone call.

“If they have a steak and cheese sub, I’d love one with lettuce, tomato, onions, and a side of fries,” she replied.

I called and placed our order and set off in the direction of the restaurant. The happiness of the memories we’d made today crossed my mind throughout the drive. So much so I almost passed the restaurant. If it wasn’t for Delaney seeing the sign, I probably would have.

I rushed in and quickly came back out with our food, in a hurry to get Grace home and in her crib so she could finish out her nap.

Twenty minutes later, we pulled into the driveway of our house. Pride filled my heart as I parked the truck, knowing I’d done it on my own for the most part. That I was making it past the heartache and pain of losing the woman I thought loved us both.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts, refusing to allow her to ruin the day. Delaney grabbed the bag of food while I grabbed Grace and her bag, along with the blanket and bear I couldn’t forget.

After I laid Grace down, I shut her door, careful not to make too much noise. I walked down the hall and into the kitchen, where Delaney had set out our food and was putting Grace’s chicken tenders in the refrigerator. It was only one o’clock, but it felt much later.

We both ate in silence and before I knew it all of our food was gone. She stood and cleared the paper plates and threw them into the trash. I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie and she agreed. The relaxation would be welcomed since I’d been on the go since we moved in here.

She found some mystery movie on the television and I stretched out on the bigger couch, thinking she’d lay on the oversized loveseat. Only she surprised me as she stood before me, questioning me with her eyes if she could join me. Instead of commenting on it, I lifted my arm, signaling my approval. She laid down in front of me and got comfortable. I pulled the blanket down on top of both of us and tried to concentrate on the movie instead of the questions that tried to take over my thoughts. Her being in my arms was wrong, at least in this context. It was different, in my mind at least, when I was trying to comfort her from a nightmare. In this context, though, I felt guilty. Conflicted for an entirely different reason other than my ex. She was still his girl, yet she was here with me, in my arms, when she should’ve been in his. I laid my head down on the pillow and let my mind focus on the movie. These thoughts were for a time when she wasn’t around to cloud my judgment and possibly guess what I was thinking.

I woke with a start trying to figure out where I was and why I was alone on the couch. The sun wasn’t shining through the windows anymore.

How long had I slept?

Oh shit.

Grace.

I didn’t hear her.

Let alone anyone else in the house, and my heart rate instantly picked up for fear of what I’d find.

I threw off the blanket and raced down the hall to her room, the last place I had left her. I threw the door open and halted my steps.

Delaney and Grace both looked up at me and smiled.

My daughter was sitting in her lap on the floor, her dolls spread out and all of the clothes that went along with them were strewn all over the place. Grace was in her pajamas.

“We play, Daddy,” Grace said as she held up her doll for me to take. Only I couldn’t move. I was still focused on the fact that Grace was sitting in Delaney’s lap playing without a care in the world.

I rubbed the back of my head and turned around, trying to contain my emotions. Grace had needed me for so long and her she was leaning on someone new. My heart jumped in my chest. Not out of sadness but joy. In my eyes, this was a turning point. She hadn’t let anyone but my parents’, not even my brothers, help her after she woke up since her mom left. And a woman she’d only met a couple of times was playing with her on the floor and helping her after her nap, for hours apparently since she was in her pajamas.

Turning back around, I leaned up against the doorframe, continuing to watch them with each other.

“How long was I out for?”

Without even looking up, Delaney responded, “It’s eight o’clock now so almost seven hours.” Holy shit. I hadn’t napped that long in forever.

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Because I figured I’d let you sleep. I heard her before you did and came to check on her. I would’ve woke you if she needed you, but she was content with me so I let you continue in dream land.”

I didn’t know how to feel about that, but I didn’t have time to ponder that. It was Grace’s bedtime.

“You ready for your story, pumpkin?” I asked, pushing off of the doorframe and walking into the room.

“Night night, Daddy. Story light,” she said. That damn light. I loved reading to her and she wanted a light. I shook my head at my own ridiculousness.

“Let’s pick up your toys, and I’ll turn on the light,” I said as I squatted down to assist in the toy clean up.

Moments later, we were all finished and I picked up Grace, her blanket, and bear and walked her over to the crib. Delaney walked over and kissed her on top of her head and walked out of the room.

I laid her down in the crib, and like the night before, I let the bar down and leaned over to give Grace her goodnight kiss.

“Night, Daddy,” she said as she stuck her thumb in her mouth and rolled on her side to await the beautiful lights.

“Night, pumpkin.” I covered her up with the blanket and grabbed the light to turn it on. Once it was in place, I shut off the light and walked out of the room to go find Delaney. I checked the bedroom and bathrooms, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found.

When I didn’t find her in the living room or kitchen, I opened the back door and found her laying on the back deck, staring up at the stars.

“The stars seem to be brighter here,” she said, not reverting her gaze from the beautiful night sky.

“It’s the city lights that make it dimmer in my opinion,” I said as I walked out of the door shutting it behind me. I laid down beside her on the deck, staring up at the sky myself.

“Can you find the constellations?” I asked.

“No. I have no clue where to begin looking. I just love how illuminated the sky is here. How much bigger everything seems. I would’ve sworn that hearing bugs make noises at night would be annoying, but it’s peaceful. Calming. So much better to listen to than hearing sirens and car horns. I can see why you and Trenton love it here. He always talked about how much he missed this place. These mountains. And now I can understand why. It’s breathtakingly beautiful,” she admitted, sounding like she was finding her own peace of mind.

“I used to live in the city and couldn’t stand it. Now, it wasn’t as busy as California, but it was busier than here, and I never enjoyed living there. The second we moved back here, I felt at peace. Granted, I have a forty-five-minute drive to work now, but it’s totally worth it to be back where I belong. Plus, it won’t be forever. Not with what I have in the works, anyway.”

“And what’s that?” she asked, turning her head to look at me.

I turned mine, looking into the depths of her eyes. The light from the moon allowed me to make out the peacefulness that swam within them.

“I’m opening up my own shop here. I’ve already got the space I want. I’m just working out the lease with the owner. Shouldn’t be much longer and I’ll be able to get the ball rolling.”

“And what is it that you do?” she said with a smile forming upon her lips.

“I’m a mechanic.”

“I wouldn’t have pictured you as being a mechanic,” she said.

“And what would you picture me doing?”

“Something with the land. You seem so passionate about it that I thought you’d be a ranch hand or something.”

I let out a sigh, frustrated that a woman I barely know got what I wanted out of life when the people who’d been there since the beginning couldn’t see it. Or refused to see it. Either way, she got me when they never did. And if they did, they wouldn’t let me choose.

“That’s what I had planned to do, but I chose college and getting a business degree instead, choosing my second passion for cars as the way to go,” I admitted.

“As long as you do something you love there’s nothing wrong with that.”

I turned my gaze back to the stars, getting lost in the peace and quiet of the night.

“I could get used to this,” she whispered.

I turned on my side, resting my head on my hand as I waited for her response.

“Living here in Nelson County. The mountains are growing on me, and I’ve only been back a full twenty-four hours. The air smells cleaner, and I noticed that everyone waves when we pass them on the highway. I’ve only ever lived in busy California where no one takes the time to wave at one another. It just feels like a community,” she said as she turned on her side and faced me.

Neither of us said a word as we stared at each other. Her eyes showed the questions that she refused to voice just like I’m sure mine did. One day we’d have to ask them, but today I was comfortable to remain oblivious to the answers that I’m sure I didn’t want to hear.

I felt at peace when I was around her which scared me. I felt guilty that I felt like there was another reason for her being here. Only the guilt was because of the feelings I felt when we touched, when I held her, was more than comfort or friendship. I felt the current flow through with each look and each hug. It was when she laid in my arms and I held her through her nightmare that I felt purpose. That I felt like I was complete. She felt like home.

She brushed her fingers across my arm, stopping at my elbow. Our eyes locked, but still neither of us spoke. I rolled on my back and held out my arm, hoping she’d understand what I wouldn’t say. She scooted over and laid her head on my shoulder, her body still facing my own. I wrapped my arm around her and rested my hand on her hip. All of our actions were innocent, yet I felt guilty that I was here with her and he couldn’t be. The way he should be.

“Thank you for knowing what I need without me asking. I don’t know why and I don’t know if I want to know, but for some reason, being here with you and in your arms, I don’t feel so scared anymore. So alone. I feel safe,” she said and she burrowed her head into my shoulder, hiding her face.

I didn’t know what to think about her admission. I just kissed the top of her head and looked up at the stars, hoping they’d give me the answers. Even though the wood from the deck killed my back, laying here with her, experiencing this peacefulness with her, made the pain less noticeable. With the deck and with losing Mackenzie.