Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (12 page)

The screams coming from across the room broke me out of my fitful sleep. I jolted up from the chair and ran across the room. Kneeling down beside the bed, I attempted to soothe her from the dream to no avail. She continued to thrash around on the bed and cry out as the nightmare tore through her. Not knowing what to do, I stood up and walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in. I scooted in behind her and pulled her into me and rocked back and forth.

“Please, don’t leave me,” she cried out, breaking my heart further. Only the more I tried to wake her, the more fitful she became. All I could do was hold on for the ride and hope that she could feel my presence while I consoled her.

“Shhhh. It’s going to be okay,” I repeated over and over again to try and calm her. Hoping the words that I spoke weren’t a lie.

T
he past three
days had been a blur. My mind had barely registered anything but the constant pain from the gaping hole in my heart where Trenton Quinn used to be. I never thought I’d say those words regarding him.

Used to be.

Everything felt like a horrible nightmare that I just wanted to wake up from any second. Only I knew that would never happen. Thank God for Weston. He’d been the rock I needed. The person I didn’t know I could rely on until he refused to let me face this the only way I’d ever known how.

Alone.

If it weren’t for him, I’d be suffering in silence in one of the rooms at the inn down the mountain. Only that wasn’t an option in his eyes. His parents’ basement had been my reprieve ever since that fateful night. The one where my life changed for the worse. I never thought I’d have to meet the love of my life’s parents the day after he passed away. Only I did, but Weston was there to pull me through. And he hasn’t stopped.

As I laid there on the sofa bed, I closed my eyes and let myself drown in the memories of the man that I’d finally given my whole heart to. The man I envisioned the rest of my life with. The night I met him came to the forefront of the memories and my heart swelled. He’d gotten my attention at the bar we both frequented because of his cockiness. He’d attempted and failed numerous times to gain my attention. Until the one night that he didn’t take no for an answer. The night my heart began to thaw. Something I thought would never happen.

Then his deployment. The longest nine months of my life. He’d thought I’d leave. Only I proved him wrong time and time again when I answered his phone and video calls. There was just something about him that I finally couldn’t say no to. I’d never figured out what it was. And now I missed that unknown something more than anything. I’d give everything I had for just one more day with him. Only that wasn’t possible.

And that knowledge alone crushed my heart all over again, causing more tears to fall. I thought I’d run out by now, but they’d been endless ever since his death had been confirmed. The police showed up the following morning. They tried and failed to keep the questioning as painless as possible. No amount of finesse could make that experience painless. The whole process took less than an hour and that was the last time I’d left the bed other than to use the restroom. Showering seemed pointless. Life seemed hopeless. How do you go on when the one person who made your life worth living was gone? That’s the one question I’d inwardly asked myself time and time again, only the answer never came. Not one I wanted to hear anyway. The only solution my mind could conjure up was that you didn’t move on. Was that the solution? I didn’t know that answer either. The only thing I’d known for a certainty was the man I loved was never coming back. Our hopes and dreams died with him.

A faint knock on the door brought me out of my self-loathing, only I didn’t answer. I didn’t have the strength to call out to anyone. I just curled up into a deeper ball and prayed that whoever was there just went away.

“Delaney?” I heard Weston’s voice call out.

After a few moments with no reply, I heard the door open and shut, followed by his footsteps coming down the staircase.

I kept my eyes closed and hoped that he would assume I was asleep and leave.

Only the bed dipped behind me and he pulled me close to him.

This had become our norm. The only way I could sleep and the nightmares stayed away. Only the sun shining through the window let me know it was nowhere near time for bed.

“Delaney?” he whispered into my hair as he held me tighter than usual.

“Weston,” I repeated after I took a deep breath.

“You need to start getting ready.”

“Ready for what?”

He breathed in and out several times, his hand came up and moved my hair off my shoulder, sending chills through me. I shivered and his touch briefly stopped. He ran his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp when he came back up before running his fingers back through. I started to calm down, become less tense as he continued his relaxing technique, one he’d done several times the past few days when he could tell I was tense or having a hard moment.

His fingers stilled at the base of my scalp as he exhaled a harsh breath.

“Today’s the day, Delaney,” he said as he resumed rubbing my head.

I knew he was going to say it, but I didn’t want to hear any of it. I didn’t want this day to occur. I wanted to skip the sadness, the heartbreak, but most of all I didn’t know how I would say goodbye.

“I can’t, Weston,” I admitted as more tears fell. There’s no way I’d make it through the ceremony. No way I could remain strong for that long in front of his family and friends.

“Yes you can. You need to do this. Saying goodbye will help give you closure. Hearing people speak about him will help you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but in the long run, you’ll want to listen to what other people thought of him. The memories we all had of the amazing man known as Trenton Quinn,” he tried to reassure me, but my mind didn’t believe any of it. His voice broke toward the end, telling me that he was having just as a hard time as I was. Only that didn’t make me feel any better. Knowing that he was breaking just as much as I was made it hurt worse. Because he was being so strong, not breaking down once. And I knew it was because of me. He couldn’t grieve because of me. What kind of person did such a selfless act for someone he’d just met? Weston Corbin. That’s who.

“Do you actually believe that?” I asked, and the tears continued to flow; nothing would make them stop now. The dam had broken free again, not that they’d ever stopped to begin with.

“I honestly do. So come on and get up so we can go honor one of the most amazing men that I knew. My mom is on standby to help you if you need it,” he encouraged as he got up from behind me and pulled on my arm to bring me into a sitting position with him.

His finger tilted my chin upward, and my eyes slowly looked up to meet his. The depths of his baby blues showed concern and sorrow, making me want to wrap my arms around him and be the one to console him for a change. Only, I didn’t know if I could be that bold. Wasn’t sure if I had the strength to try and be the rock for someone when I could barely hold myself together for five minutes.

“You can do this. I’ll be there the whole time. I promise.”

“What happens when you’re not, though?”

“What do you mean?” he asked as his brows furrowed together.

“What happens when you go on with your life and you’re not there. I can’t keep doing this to you. You can’t continue to be a fixture in my life because one day you’ll need to carry on with yours, and I’ll be left trying to pick up the shattered pieces all over again,” I admitted thoughts that I’d kept to myself for the past twenty-four hours. I could easily see myself relying on him to carry me through, he was just that adamant, but I had to put a stop to it before I broke yet again.

“Hey, none of that talk now. I’m here for as long as you need. Especially today. Do you need some help getting ready? I can call my mom down here to help.”

“I’ll be okay. I don’t even know what I’m going to wear. All of my clothes are at his brother’s.”

“He brought the suitcase over yesterday. He’d figured you’d need it since I told him you were staying here instead of there.”

“Thank you for that,” I whispered.

“You’re welcome. There are fresh towels and your bag is already in the bathroom. I’m going to go upstairs and check on Grace while you’re showering. Yell if you need anything,” he said as he stood, kissing me on the top of my head before he walked toward the stairs.

I took several deep breaths and then went to take a shower. The quicker I got ready, the quicker I could get through the toughest moment of my life. Even harder than being left alone at the age of eighteen.

The hot shower did nothing to soothe me. If anything, I felt worse. My muscles were coiled tighter than before the heat touched them. I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my hair and another around my body. I wiped the film from the mirror with my hand and stood there staring at my reflection. Someone I didn’t recognize stared back at me. I didn’t break eight years ago, but now…. Now I felt like I could crumble with the weight of the pain I was in. I felt like my life was over. Gone. Vanished into thin air with him. I turned away quickly and rushed out of the room, grabbing my bag before I walked out. Not bothering to check to see if anyone had returned. I rubbed the towel over my body as harsh as I could. Feeling the pain from the harshness of the towel reminded me that I was still here. Somewhere in a place that he wasn’t.

I rummaged through the suitcase and found my underwear and bra. Once they were on, I sat on the bed, almost unable to continue standing as the reality of today set in. The closer I got to getting ready, the harder my heart pounded within the walls of my chest. I tried to calm myself but failed. My breaths came quicker and the tears began to fall yet again. I had to try to pull myself together, but I didn’t know how. The more I tried not to cry, the more tears seemed to fall.

I put my head in my hands and just let the emotions run through me. I tried not to feel, but that hadn’t worked out so far. The only thing I’d been able to do for three days was feel. Pain. Sorrow. Grief. Anger. And more pain.

Footsteps came down the stairs, but they were lighter than normal and they stopped mere seconds after they got to the bottom. Moments later I felt a tiny finger tapping me on my leg. I wiped my eyes and sniffled to try and gain my composure.

Looking up, a pair of sparkling blue eyes stared back at me. Ones identical to her father’s. She was absolutely beautiful. I’d heard him talk about his daughter the night of the accident, but had yet to meet her until now. Somehow he’d kept her from coming down here.

“Hi there,” I spoke, trying to sound a little happier than I felt.

“Hi. You sad?” she asked as she reached up and touched my cheek.

Apparently, I did a horrible job at hiding my feelings from her.

“Yes, baby. I’m sad,” I admitted as I put my hands down on my legs.

Before I knew it, she climbed into my lap and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me as tight as her little arms could. Shocked, I wrapped my arms loosely around her and returned the hug. I shut my eyes and bit my lip to attempt to keep myself from crying all over again because I instantly thought about what Trenton and I would never have. A little girl or boy to call our own. I immediately wished that he was right with the joke he’d kept telling about his sperm knocking me up.

“Grace,” Weston called out as he barreled down the stairs.

“Hi, Daddy,” she beamed as she turned in my lap, but didn’t get down. She turned back around and wrapped her arms back around me, shocking me even more. Especially since I just realized I was in my bra and panties, hugging his child as he came down the stairs.

“Stop,” I screamed out as I stood up and sat Grace down on the bed. Her little lip trembled at my cry and tears welled up in her eyes.

“It’s okay, sweetie. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just need to get dressed before your daddy sees me like this,” I said in a sweet voice trying not to frighten her again.

I threw clothes out of the bag and found nothing that would be suitable for today. Shit. I needed to hurry up before he came down any further. Frantically, I searched the room. For what I didn’t know, but over the closet doorframe beside the bathroom, a black dress hung from the frame. Where that came from, I hadn’t the slightest idea, but I’d be sure to ask later. I threw the dress over my head, shocked at the fact that it actually fit. And it fit quite well.

“How do I look?” I asked, hoping to cheer her up.

“Purty,” she replied as she climbed off the bed and ran over to me, jumping up into my arms.

“You can come down now,” I shouted hoping he could hear me.

Grace wrapped her arms around me and laid her head down on my shoulder. I cuddled into her, wishing like hell I could have this someday, but heartbroken at the fact that I’d never have it with the man I wanted to share it with.

Weston continued down the stairs and stopped at the bottom. I turned and looked at him, a shocked expression shown on his face.

“What are you doing down here, pumpkin? Didn’t I tell you to go find Maw-Maw?”

She shook her head but didn’t lift it from my shoulder.

“She sad, Daddy. I give her hug,” she whispered. She was so sweet.

“I’m sorry she disturbed you getting ready. We have to leave in twenty minutes. I was just coming down to make sure you found the dress that my mom picked up for you,” he admitted as he put his hands in his pockets and stared at the floor.

“Yes, I did. Thank you. I just have to fix my hair and I’ll be ready. I’m not going to even bother with makeup. It’ll get washed away the second we pull up for the ceremony.”

“Come on, Grace. Maw-Maw is looking for you and Delaney needs to finish getting ready,” he said as he held out his hand for her to take.

She wiggled out of my arms and I sat her down on the floor, making sure she was steady before I let go of her hand.

“Bye, Laney,” she said as she waved to me.

“Bye, Grace,” I said as I walked into the bathroom to fix my hair.

I pulled the bottle of mousse out of my toiletry bag and put some in my hand. I ran it throughout my hair and scrunched my hair into waves. I threw my head back and grabbed the banana clip out of the bag. After I made sure there were no fly-aways, I pinned back my hair and looked into the mirror. I was as ready as I’d ever be.

I walked into the basement living area and pulled my black flats out of my suitcase and slid them on my feet. I shook out my arms and took a few deep breaths. After I was sure I wouldn’t cry, I held my head up high and went to search for Weston.

The ride to the church felt like it passed too quickly. I wanted to use the ride there to prepare myself, only there was no amount of preparing I could really do to make sure I made it through this day. I wasn’t sure I believed what Weston had said back at his house. I didn’t need closure. I didn’t need to say goodbye. What I needed was for Trenton to be alive. What I wanted was to be in his arms and to never let him go. I didn’t want nor need to see him lying there in his military uniform. Still. Unmoving. Lifeless. I didn’t want that memory to be my last of him. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him that way. Knowing he would be in that wooden box for all eternity. He didn’t deserve to die. He should be here. With me. Making a life with me. Living out our dreams. Not dead in a casket.