Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (13 page)

A hand touched my shoulder, bringing me out of my thoughts. I turned toward the person and looked up, noticing it was Weston’s mom, not him.

“I know this is hard for you. I know you’re hurting. I can’t imagine the pain you feel. But just know you’re not alone. We’re here to help you through it. Anything you need, just promise you’ll ask. My son told me a little bit about you. I know you’re alone in the world and that’s no way to live. So let us be the rock you need to make it through this trying time. You don’t have to make any rash decisions now. Just grieve. It won’t be easy, but just know if you’ll accept it, you won’t have to do it alone,” she reassured me as she pulled me into a hug. I bit the inside of my cheek to prevent myself from breaking down. I was going to try my hardest to make it through the ceremony without losing it. I knew it was pointless, but I had to at least try.

I shook my head, fearing that if I spoke I wouldn’t be able to hold it together for long. She understood my dilemma and patted my leg as she scooted out of the other side of the vehicle. I closed my eyes and pictured a smiling Trenton. That’s how I’d make it through today. I’d see him happy, full of life, joking around. Not lifeless and unmoving.

I opened the door of the SUV and stepped out to a waiting Weston. He took my hand within his own and rubbed his thumb across my fingers as he tried to calm me.

He looked down at me and told me that we could do this, and I hoped he was right. If not, I’m not sure I could handle the alternative.

We walked into the church and I immediately pulled him back, shaking my head. I couldn’t go up there. No amount of attempting to convince me would get me to change my mind. I was going to stand my ground and refuse no matter how hard he tried.

Instead of trying to talk me out of it, he nodded his head and walked to the left side of the church and down the aisle toward our seat, which happened to be in the second row. I heard people talking, but I blocked them out. I couldn’t handle hearing their tears. Their pain and sorrow. Especially since I was barely holding it together.

Moments later the funeral began with the pastor saying a prayer. He spoke of Trenton fondly. Telling the massive crowd of people how much of an amazing man he was and how the world would be completely different without him.

When his friends were offered a chance to speak, I squeezed Weston tighter. I didn’t think I could handle their memories. Not on top of my own.

Friend after friend spoke of the best times they spent with Trenton. Not one of their stories shocked me. From the time he ran streaking down the road on a dare and had to jump into the bushes to remain unseen from a passing truck, to the time he pranked the principal. It’s when Davis stood up to talk that I stopped breathing. I hadn’t seen him since that night. My heart broke for the man who slowly walked to the podium. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

He turned to face everyone, tears already flowing down his face.

“Trenton Quinn was one of my best friends. An amazing man who should’ve lived a hell of a lot longer than he did. I have so many good memories that I can’t pick just one to share because the truth is, my life is never going to be the same without him. He always made sure to stay in touch even when he was overseas because that’s the type of friend he was. He was selfless. Never cared about himself as much as he cared about others. I admired that one quality about him. I’m a better man because of him. I’m just extremely sorry I couldn’t save him,” he said as he broke down. He looked up like he was going to attempt to say more, but I could tell he wouldn’t be able to. He waited a minute more and looked down to the ground as he walked down.

I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I could feel myself breaking even more as each story was told.

It was when Weston cleared his throat as he stood that my resolve was about to break. Hearing him speak would be my undoing. He buttoned his suit jacket and gave me a half a smile as he turned and walked to the podium.

“Trenton Quinn wasn’t just my friend. He was my third brother. We did everything together, except join the military. That was his calling. Not mine. The day he enlisted, I knew he’d do everything in his power to make the world a better place. I know he made my life better just by being in it. I remember that geeky kid in high school that was too scared to talk to a girl. The one who loved the chess team more than he loved to party. Who could do anything you could imagine on a computer. Legal or otherwise. Seeing him the other night, for the first time in a two years, was like he’d never left. Because in a way he hadn’t. He was always there. On the phone or video calls just to make me and my daughter laugh. That’s what I’ll miss the most. His jokes. The way he lightened up my life. Trenton Quinn will be greatly missed and there will always be a hole in my heart where he should’ve been,” he said, only shedding tears when he was finished. Unlike me. I’d started crying before he even began to speak.

He sat down and pulled me into him, my head laid on his shoulder as we attempted to comfort each other through this trying time.

The funeral concluded and men in uniforms came down the aisle to carry his casket out of the church. In unison, they all marched to the same beat. All moved the same way. Their facial expressions never wavering. All concentrating on the task at hand. Carefully, they lifted the casket and walked toward the side of the church. I just had to get through the last part at the gravesite. Then I could go back to Weston’s basement and hide. Cry myself to sleep and pray that tomorrow this all got easier.

The drive to the gravesite was short. Too short. I needed more time. Only that was something that Trenton never got. More time to love me. More time for me to love him. Our time was cut short, and selfishly I wanted to scream because it wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. That I knew all too well.

We waited in the SUV for his casket to be carried over. My heart began to shatter at the finality of what was about to occur. The final goodbye to the man I loved with my whole being. Once his casket was placed on the spot above his grave, the men remained standing beside him and we were all instructed to get out of our vehicles.

I followed Weston out of the SUV on autopilot. I stared at the flag-covered casket, my heart pounding faster and faster with each second that passed. I looked over to my right and saw his mother breaking down, her sobs growing louder with our final goodbyes.

Moments later, the pastor cleared his voice and said one last prayer. I bowed my head and listened to his words of promising times would grow easier. That Trenton was in his final resting place. When his last words were spoken, I kept my head down. I couldn’t bear to see the flag being folded. The Taps began to play and my resolve broke. I threw my hand up to drown out the sobs that wrenched from my body. I bent over and laid my head on my knees and crumbled.

The first set of gunshots rang out, causing me to jump and pieces of my heart to completely shatter. The second set rang out, and I felt my future slipping away. The future I should’ve had with the man of my dreams. When the final set of shots sounded, I knew that I’d never be the same. No one would fill the hole that he’d left. There would never be another Trenton Quinn.

I felt someone put their hand on my shoulder, but I couldn’t move. My body was stuck in this position as all the heartbreak poured out of me. Lips touched my hair. Whose, I had no clue. Until she spoke.

“Thank you for loving my boy. He was so much happier with you in his life. He had purpose from the second you agreed to be in his life. I knew it the second I talked to him and heard the difference in his voice. Please know that you were his world. You made him happy. You were the love of his life. Never doubt that. It makes me happy knowing that he had that kind of rare love in his life. That he got to experience that before he left this world. If there’s anything you need, please don’t hesitate to ask,” she said as she attempted to hold it together. Making me feel horrible for breaking down when I should’ve remained strong.

“Take care of her, Weston,” she demanded as I heard her walk away. Only it wasn’t his responsibility to do so.

“Come on, Delaney. Let’s get you home,” he said as he lifted me out of the chair. He knew I wouldn’t be able to walk somehow, and I was internally grateful.

Only I didn’t have a home. Not anymore. Yet another thing I needed to get settled sooner rather than later. There was no home without Trenton. No reason to stay in bright and sunny California. Dark rain clouds loomed over top of me, and I didn’t see any other way out. My future was bleak when I thought about Trenton not being in it. There was no way I could go back to that apartment. A place that we shared together. The thought of leaving him here. Alone. In the ground. Caused me to want to scream.

Decisions would need to be made. Ones I didn’t think I could make alone. But had no other choice than to try. I had to face the music: I was now all alone in the world. With no one. Just as I was before Trenton came into my life. The way I swore that I was doomed to be.

T
he day
after the funeral I woke to find Delaney gone. There was no trace that she’d ever been there either. I knew that losing Trenton was hard on her, but I didn’t understand why she just vanished. Out here it wasn’t an easy task, and no one would admit to being the one to assist her in leaving. My mind couldn’t wrap around the fact that she left, let alone left without saying goodbye. She left no number or way of contacting her. Hell, I had an address, but there wasn’t a landline listed so it was a dead end.

That was four weeks ago. Thirty days of pure torture with feeling like I’d failed my brother. My best friend. What’s even worse, I woke up with more rage than I had before. Anguish over the fact that I couldn’t help Delaney and anger toward the woman who left my daughter and me. I thought by now that my feelings would diminish since so much time had passed, but they grew. Fiercer by the second. I’d always been told that I was a passionate man, but these feelings went beyond passion. It was almost like I was obsessed with the rage. Like I needed the anger to continue moving forward.

The only good outcome that’d occurred within the past month was that I finally got to move into my own place. Grace and I could finally begin adjusting to this new life with our own surroundings. I loved my parents’ dearly for taking us in, but I needed to be out on my own. Needed a way to hide the way I’d been feeling about the situation Grace and I were in. The only bad thing was that I had to put the punching bag in the garage because this house didn’t have a basement set up like my mom and dad did. Which meant that anyone could potentially walk in and see me letting out the rage that consumed me day in and day out. I didn’t want anyone to know how mad I was that she’d left us. I wanted them to continue assuming that I was fine when I was anything but.

Within the past three weeks, I’d gotten the house almost the way I wanted it with some help. Davis needed the distraction and I needed the company, so he, along with my parents’, offered to come over in the evenings and help me unpack and get situated. The most fun was having the two-year-old terror in the middle of the chaos popping out of empty boxes and out from underneath furniture. She’d scared all of us at least once and got a kick out of it every time one of us jumped or screamed. At least it kept her occupied while we got things done. By the end of every day, I looked forward to rocking Grace to sleep as I read her a story. It was my relaxing time. My way to enjoy spending time with the most precious thing in my life. Her nightmares and anxiety had gotten better, but if she weren’t kept busy or moving, she’d have a setback. Those were the hardest moments because nothing calmed her. She just had to work it out of her system. That’s when the rage grew. When I had to clench my fists together just to make sure no one saw me lose it. When she would go to sleep, then and only then, did I head to the garage and beat the punching bag until my arms could barely move. It was better than the alternative. Taking the pent-up emotions out on someone else was my fear. And I hadn’t had any altercations with anyone. Yet. That’s not to say it wouldn’t ever come. That’s why I needed the bag. Needed to get the emotions out.

Today at work, business was booming. And it was my favorite day of the week. Friday. The weekend was upon us, and I couldn’t wait to take Grace strawberry picking tomorrow. I barely had any time to think, let alone allow my mind to wander. It seemed like the whole city of Charlottesville needed their oil changed or a state inspection. But I welcomed the busy times because I remained distracted. Focused on something other than the problems I had at home.

Finally, it was time to leave and I couldn’t wait to get home to my baby girl. My mom was meeting me at my house with her since Magdalena, Andrew, and Liam were coming over. I’d put off her visit since seeing her after Trenton’s death. I couldn’t put her off any longer. And truth be told, I liked having them around. It’s like we were all meant to be in each other’s lives. The kids got along like they’d known each other their whole lives. And Magdalena, Andrew, and I just clicked. We all had so much in common that we never had a dull moment when we were in each other’s company. I missed seeing them, plus I needed as much normalcy in my life right now as I could get. The normalcy would help me remain distracted from the fact that I’d yet to hear from Delaney. I’d checked with Trenton’s parents’ and brothers and they hadn’t heard from her either. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. Make sure she was adjusting to life without him. I knew I wasn’t. Plus, I hated feeling like I’d broken a promise to someone. Trenton knew what he was doing when he asked me to promise him because he knew I’d never break it. Not intentionally anyway.

The forty-five-minute drive passed by quickly and before I knew it, I pulled into the driveway to my mom’s SUV awaiting my arrival. Grace was running around the front yard. That girl couldn’t sit still if her life depended on it. The smile on her face caused a smile of my own to form. Seeing her happy was one of my main goals in life.

I parked my truck and got out, prepared to be attacked by the toddler running toward me. No sooner than I got both feet on the ground, she leaped into my arms.

“Daddy, you finally home!” she screamed with excitement, throwing her tiny arms around my neck to give me the biggest hug she could muster.

“Yes, I’m finally here,” I beamed, and all of my worries and anger disappeared the second I saw her smiling face.

“She was a doll today. No issues at all,” my mom informed me as she gave me and Grace both kisses on our cheeks.

“Thanks for watching her, Mom. I’m glad she was good for you today. You gonna stay for a bit?”

“Nah. This old lady needs to get home and feed your father. And you know I love having our little pumpkin. Have a good night, you two. Call me if you need me, son,” she said as she hugged me goodbye.

I hugged her back and held on a little tighter and longer than usual. She seemed like she needed the hug so I wanted to give her anything to reassure her that she was still needed even though I was in my late twenties. Hell, I’d always need her.

“Will do, Mom,” I said when she finally let go and walked toward her car.

“Alrighty, you. Are you ready to get some dinner in that little belly of yours?” I asked in a cheerful tone as I tickled her stomach.

“Yes,” she said through her fits of laughter.

“Then let’s go get it started. I might even have a surprise for you in a little bit if you can be good while I cook. Can you do that for me?”

“Ooohhh. You have a prize for me? I be good, Daddy. I promise,” she said as she nodded her head up and down and clapped her hands together. We’d just have to see about that.

“You better or you don’t get the surprise,” I said as I threw her up in the air and walked toward the house.

Thirty minutes later, the aroma of spaghetti and garlic bread filled the house, causing my stomach to protest and voice its hunger. I picked up the pot of boiling noodles and emptied them into the strainer. Turning back toward the stove, I picked up the wooden spoon and put it into the meat sauce that I’d left to simmer and tasted it. The garlic, onion, and tomato flavors hit my tongue and caused me to moan out and my stomach to growl again. It was ready to go. I then added the noodles into the plastic serving dish and poured the sauce on top, mixing the meat sauce and noodles together. I didn’t like adding the sauce on top of the noodles for some reason. I wanted it all mixed together since it would end up that way anyway.

The timer went off for the garlic bread, and I grabbed an oven mitt and hurriedly went to take it out before it burned, sitting the steaming hot cookie sheet on top of the stove. I picked up each piece of bread and put it into the serving basket, then carried both the basket and bowl to the table.

I was setting the table when the doorbell chimed, alerting me of the surprise visitors that I had in store for Grace.

“Daddy, someone’s here,” she called out from the living room. She pulled her dolls into the room when we’d gotten home and kept true to her promise. I’d checked on her several times while cooking and she was just chatting away with them each time I peered into the room.

“You ready for your surprise, pumpkin?” I asked as I walked toward the door.

I checked the peephole to make sure it was who I thought it was, and sure enough Liam’s little face stared back at me through the hole.

I pulled the door open and held my finger to my mouth to get them to keep quiet and ushered them inside.

“Come see who’s here, Grace.”

She barreled around the corner full force and came to a stop. She looked up at me and then back to Liam, a smile forming on her lips as she began to jump up and down. Liam mimicked her actions and before long we were all jumping up and down acting crazy right along with our children as we all laughed.

Once the kids had gotten the excitement out of the way, we left the entryway to the house where they sat Liam’s bag and I guided them toward the kitchen/dining room. The kids slowly lagged behind as they whispered to each other.

“Did you find the place okay?” I asked, hoping they didn’t get lost on their way here.

“We were led right here. You’ve got the place looking great,” Andrew said as he turned to see where the kids were.

“Thanks. If it weren’t for my family’s help, it wouldn’t look like a house right now,” I joked as I motioned for them to sit at the table, and I went to the pantry to get out the booster seat and plastic bibs I stored there.

I came back and handed it to Andrew so he could secure it on the chair.

“Up, Daddy,” Grace demanded in true Grace form. I loved how she was so adamant about letting everyone know what she wanted, but I’m sure I’d regret it when she was older.

I picked her up and put her in the highchair and put the plastic bib around her neck, handing one over to Andrew once I was done.

“You’ve done this a time or two,” Magdalena said as she chuckled.

“I’m sure you’ve cleaned up your share of spaghetti messes. They seem to get it everywhere. I’ve learned my lesson on that front.”

We sat down and ate, and the more time that passed, the more I felt like they were meant to be here. Meant to be a part of my life. I kept waiting for the awkward moment to come where all of this would end, but it hadn’t. Instead, a true friendship had formed. Between all three of us. And most importantly, the kids loved each other from the start. They acted like they’d known each other their whole lives instead of that shyness most kids get when they meet new people.

Once we were finished eating, I looked back and forth between Liam and Grace and wondered how they could get spaghetti everywhere, other than on the bib. It was in their hair, all over their faces, down their arms. You name a place on their bodies, and there was spaghetti. I couldn’t help but laugh because this was always the case. I swear more spaghetti made its way on their bodies than in their stomachs, but they had that full look in their eyes.

I started to remove the dishes and Magdalena stopped me.

“Why don’t you and Andrew go get the kids cleaned up and I’ll take care of the dishes. That way we can all sit back and chat for the rest of the evening and the kids will be ready for bed,” she suggested, sounding way too much like the loving mom and wife.

I just shook my head and walked over to Grace. Carefully, I removed the tray to the highchair and stood her up, brushing off the small remnants that I could see into the seat, while Andrew did the same with Liam.

“There’s baby soap and shampoo under the sink in the bathroom in the hall. I’ll take Grace into the master bath,” I said as we both walked down the hall to wash off the spaghetti-covered toddlers. I showed him where the towels were and set off to clean off my pumpkin, which is what her cheeks resembled right now due to the orangeness from the sauce. I walked into her room and quickly grabbed her princess pajamas and a pair of socks, then walked into my room so I could give the terror her bath.

Grace got more water on the floor as usual as she splashed and bounced around in the tub, barely sitting still long enough so that I could wash her hair and body.

“Alright you. It’s time to get out,” I said as I held the towel up so I could pick her up. She proceeded to defy me and laid on her stomach and moved back and forth into the water causing some to splash out onto the floor.

“Grace,” I warned, and she pouted out her lip. She hated my stern voice, but it was needed to get her to do what I asked sometimes. She got out and came to my arms so that I could dry her off. I tried to get her in a better mood by ruffling her hair with the towel and succeeded by getting her to laugh. I dressed her quickly and grabbed the brush off the side of the sink. I’d learned all too well what happened when you didn’t brush her hair directly after getting her out of the shower. Knots. And lots of them. Which led to a pissed off Grace. Not repeating that mistake. Ever.

She tilted her head back and let me brush her hair. Unlike any other toddler I’d seen, she loved getting her hair brush, asking me often just to brush it out of the blue.

“You ready to go watch some cartoons with Liam before bedtime?” I asked, getting my answer as she ran out of the room ahead of me.

I cleaned up the water off the floor and put the laundry in the hamper, stopping in my room to change my sopping wet shirt courtesy of my daughter.

The closer I got to the kitchen, the better the smell became, but I couldn’t place what it was. I went into the living room first to turn on the television for the kids and changed the channel to one of the kids cartoon channels, then went to the kitchen where everyone had congregated.

“What’s that amazing smell?” I asked as I sat down at the table. Andrew had a cleaned up Liam on one knee and Grace on the other, bouncing them up and down causing them to laugh.

“Cookies,” Magdalena answered as she bent down, opening the oven to check on them. The chocolatey smell wafted from the opening and both turned their heads immediately and wrinkled their noses to the scent.

“Cookies, mama,” Liam said as he wiggled in Andrew’s lap.