Conflicted (The Existing Series Book 2) (21 page)

But one day that wouldn’t be the case.

One day I would have to face the music.

And my rage.

And I wouldn’t be able to use her presence as a scapegoat to mask the pain.

Until then, I’d continue to love the calm feeling she brought when she was around.

We laid there in complete silence for another hour until the wind picked up and it became chilly. I wanted her to stay since it had gotten so late, but she said she had to go because of work the next day. I let her go with the promise of getting a text when she got back to the inn.

I brought the blanket and monitor back inside and sat them on the floor at the beginning of the hall then walked her to the door. I reminded her of her promise to text when she got back and that she needed to be careful when driving. She rolled her eyes and nodded her head as she walked to her vehicle.

Tonight had been a good night. A relaxing night. I felt like Delaney had opened up to me more about her fears, but her worries brought on fears of my own. Making me realize that I may be in more trouble than I’d originally thought. I wanted to be the one to help her through it all.

Only if she’d let me.

A
fter the night
in the field, my conflicted emotions continued to weigh heavily on my mind. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like an impostor moving in on someone who was already taken. I felt like it was way too soon to even consider the possibility of her moving on and then felt like an ass because of it. I also felt guilty because we’d grown closer and my feelings had begun to grow for her at a rapid rate. It was hard not to fall for someone like her. She was funny, passionate, and stronger than she realized. She was amazing with Grace. So patient with her, especially when she threw a tantrum.

I just didn’t know what to do about the feelings that I tried so hard to hide. I knew I was falling for her, but it was wrong. People would judge everything, and I couldn’t have her feeling unwelcome. I didn’t personally care what they thought, but she would.

Today was Saturday and my brother and his wife had Grace so they could take her on an outing with their kids. Leaving me here alone to ponder my thoughts. Instead of wallowing in them, I made a decision. I was going to talk to the one person who would understand the most. Hopefully, I could gain some guidance for the situation I’d put myself in. I couldn’t take much more before I imploded. I needed to get it all out and maybe I’d gain some clarity.

The drive took about fifteen minutes and when I pulled in all of the older headstones came into view. You could barely read the names on them because of how old they were. I drove around to the back part of the cemetery and looked for the spot where Trenton was laid to rest.

I stopped beside the oak tree and shut off the engine. His mother loved this spot for him because of this tree. That’s the only reason I could find it so easily.

Leaving the keys in the ignition, I got out of truck and walked over to Trenton’s grave. The headstone marked the spot. His mother had a bench brought out here in memory of him that was off to the right a few feet. I sat down in front and wiped off the leaves and sticks that had covered the top of the stone.

“You have no idea how much I miss you, man. It’s so hard here without you. I know we didn’t see each other often, but you were my brother at heart. I just hate that I’m in a world where you aren’t anymore. You deserve to be here not in the ground. I’m trying so hard to keep your promise, but it’s so hard. She’s finally letting me in and seeing that I want to help her. But there’s a problem with all of that. I’m falling for her. I long for her when she’s not there. Hell, my daughter asks if we’re going to see her now. It just doesn’t feel right. You didn’t have me promise to take care of her to have me move in on your girl. I’m trying really hard to ignore how I feel to honor you and your memory. But it’s so hard when she’s in pain or when she second guesses everything because you’re not here. You’re going to be a father and that makes me feel ten times worse. I’d never try to take your place. I’ve already promised to help Delaney make sure that this baby knows you. But I need some help here. I need to know if all of this is okay. It’s only been three months and I feel like an ass that this has come about since she came back from California, but she’s so easy to want to be around. So easy to develop feelings for. I don’t know what to do. I wish you were here to tell me what I should do. But that doesn’t make sense because if you were here we wouldn’t be having this one-sided conversation and I wouldn’t even have these feelings. But I do and I can’t continue denying it. I’m already holding in the anger I feel for Mackenzie. I don’t think I can hold this in as well. Please, just give me a fucking sign that what I’m feeling is okay. That I have your blessing to make this more if it leads that far. I know I’m rambling and I know you really can’t give me a sign, but God do I fucking wish you could. It would make this so much easier,” I pleaded, running my hands through my hair and pulling at the ends.

The wind blew fairly hard and the tree branches above swayed to the rhythm of the breeze.

“Is that really how you feel?” I heard from behind me, causing my back to stiffen and the hair on my neck to stand on end.

“How much of that did you hear?” I asked Delaney without turning around to look at her. I was too embarrassed at the moment to even ponder moving to look at her.

“I heard most of it,” she admitted.

Mother effing hell. This is why I kept my feelings inside. Because you never knew if someone you hadn’t intended to hear would, in fact, overhear what you wished had stayed hidden.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just figured I would come here to vent and maybe get some clarity. It’s worked every other time except this one. Apparently, I’m meant to deal with this all on my own,” I said as I stood and brushed off the seat of my pants, not turning to look at her. Instead, I continued to face the other way because I couldn’t face her.

“You don’t have to feel guilty about how you feel. That’s not a way to live. If I’ve learned anything from this tragedy, it’s that life can end in the blink of an eye and there may never be enough time here on Earth. You have to cherish every moment that you’re given and fight for the ones you want to have. You feel how you feel for a reason, and there’s nothing wrong with that.” She sounded so sure of herself that I almost didn’t believe it was her.

“That’s so much easier said than done. You’re his girl. Meaning you’re off limits. It doesn’t matter how I feel. That’s never going to change,” I said, finally turning around to look at her.

She stepped closer to me. So close our chests were almost touching.

She looked up at me and said, “That’s where you’re wrong. I was his girl. And I loved him with my whole heart. But I’m not his girl anymore because he’s not here. You can’t lump me in some category just because it’s convenient for you. I’m my own person, not someone’s property as you just made it sound. I know you feel that way because of some guy code, but you should stop. You shouldn’t regret how you feel because I don’t either.”

That last sentence alone caused my eyes to bulge out of my head. What the hell did that mean? I remained quiet, hoping that she’d elaborate, but she didn’t. She kneeled before the headstone and kissed the tips of her fingers then touched the center. She bowed her head momentarily then stood and walked toward me.

She grabbed my hand and I had no choice but follow. She walked me over to the driver’s side of my truck and stopped.

“Do you want to hang out tonight? I kind of don’t want to be alone and you seem like you don’t want to be either. We can watch silly cartoons with Grace and then watch a movie once she’s asleep,” she suggested with a smile.

“Only if you agree to sleep in the guest room. I hate when you leave that late,” I countered.

“Deal. I’ll stop by the inn and grab my clothes. I have a couple of things I need to do on the computer and then I’ll be at your house,” she said, turning to walk back to the direction of her car.

I hopped in my truck still oblivious as to what just happened. Starting the engine, I put the truck in drive and drove toward home. Confusion swept through me as I continued to play that last sentence on repeat in my mind.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty because I don’t either.”

What did she have to feel guilty for? What did she not regret?

Those questions and more plagued me as I drove home.

I’d hoped that the fifteen-minute drive would help clear my head, but my thoughts were worse. My mind raced now more than ever.

I parked the truck and laid my head down on the steering wheel, trying to calm down.

The chiming of my phone brought me out of my contemplation and I reached in my pocket to check the message.

My brother texted me that they were done with the outing and he was bringing a sleeping Grace home. I looked over at the clock on the radio and was shocked to see that it was already three in the afternoon.

Where did the time go?

I rushed the house, slamming the door behind me.

Grace and Delaney would be here shortly.

I needed to keep it together.

I wouldn’t ask questions unless she elaborated on what she meant.

If she didn’t, then I’d drive myself crazy with the possibilities once she left.

Until then, I had to play it cool.

A vehicle door shutting outside brought me out of my pity party of thoughts and I shook my head to try and clear the last of them.

I could get through this.

I had no other choice.

* * *

D
elaney had arrived shortly
after Grace just like I predicted. We had the most amazing afternoon. Watching the two of them together was sweet, yet comical. I swear Delaney was just as much of a child as Grace was.

The tightness of her shirt showed the small baby bump that she was getting and she had the glow that everyone talks about pregnant women having. I’d never understood the allure of that glow until I’d seen Mackenzie pregnant with Grace.

And seeing Delaney’s baby bump and the glow on her cheeks, I couldn’t resist noticing just how beautiful she was pregnant. Just how beautiful she was. Period.

We’d just put Grace to bed, which was more of a problem than usual. She’d insisted that she had her light, but the batteries had died and I’d forgotten to get more. There was no way, not even with the tantrum she’d thrown, that I was leaving to get more. I’d just have to get some tomorrow. But with the two of us, we’d finally talked her into reading a story, which led to having three books read and me putting my foot down that there wouldn’t be a fourth. After I’d laid her down in the crib, we walked out and let her get to sleep.

She sat down on the couch with her side facing the back and let out a huff, frustration appearing all over her face.

“What’s the matter?” I asked, scooting in behind her and letting her lean into me.

I started rubbing her shoulders and she let out a moan. Only I refused to think about the sound and decided focusing on her response would be a better solution. No good could come from me thinking about how that sound affected me.

“I get my ultrasound done on Monday, and I’m nervous. The baby has refused to show us what he is and every time I get one, I’m scared that they’re going to find something wrong or that he or she won’t have a heartbeat. I work myself up in a tizzy every single time, but I’m afraid the second I feel like there’s nothing to worry about, that’ll be the time that I get my heart broken,” she explained as she brought her hands up to rub her swelling stomach.

“Everything is going to be fine. And hopefully he or she will have his or her legs open and there won’t be a shadow of a doubt of what you’re having. Why don’t you have Trenton’s mom go with you?” I suggested as I continued to apply a gentle but firm pressure while I continued to massaged her shoulders.

“She can’t go with me this time.”

I wanted to offer to go, but I didn’t know if this would be one of those times that was too private for me to be there. The first time she really didn’t have a choice, but now she did and maybe she reserved those moments for family. She’d never even asked me to go with her before, but the mere thought of going alone seemed to bother her.

To hell with it.

“I can go with you. What time’s the appointment?” I suggested, inwardly hoping that she’d agree.

“I don’t want to interfere with your work and remodeling schedules. Plus, it’s short notice to tell your boss,” she rambled as she continued to rub small circles on her stomach.

“You let me worry about that. If you want someone there with you, I’ll go,” I firmly reiterated.

She took a few deep breaths and let them out before she responded. I knew she was pondering whether or not she should lean on me, but I wanted her to be the one to choose without me being the one to push.

“I don’t want to go alone and if you’re sure it’s okay, I’d be happy if you went with me.”

I stopped rubbing her shoulders, which earned me a growl, causing me to laugh a little.

Reaching around her, I laid my hands on each side of her stomach and said, “You hear that in there. I’m going with your mommy to see you and that means you need to show us what you are.”

Instead of moving my hands, I rubbed them back and forth across her stomach, shocked at how hard and soft it was at the same time.

A gasp escaped Delaney and her hands moved to mine. I thought she was going to push me away, but she moved my hands to a particular spot at the bottom of her stomach.

“Feel,” she said in an excited tone.

I waited and waited but nothing happened. Just as I was about to move my hand away, I felt it. A small little kick against my hand. Feelings rushed through me all at once. Ones I didn’t want to experience because I still didn’t know how she felt about what she’d heard. But I couldn’t stop them even if I tried. I became more and more attached to her each and every time she was around. And feeling this little life make him or herself known tonight made me fall in love just like I had with Grace. A dangerous feeling in my opinion. Especially if it wouldn’t ever be reciprocated in return.

She laid her head back against me and we spent the evening relaxing in a comfortable silence. Neither of us once mentioning the feelings that still lingered in the air.