Crossings: A Sovereign Guardians Novel (19 page)

I pushed back my loose hair from my face in a futile attempt to get my mind off how good Granger looked and then grabbed the remote off the table and turned down the volume of the television.

His eyes darted to my unfinished plate and then back at me. I could have sworn he was staring at some crumbs I'd missed, probably caught in my hair or still on my shirt, but if he saw remains of my dinner on me, he was polite about it and didn't say anything. Instead, he began talking by apologizing for interrupting my meal.

"It's fine," I assured him. "It was really too early to eat supper but the week has been exhausting, and I thought I'd kick back with some of Gran's chicken and some mindless television."

I tried smiling to let him know his being here really wasn't a bother, but I was so nervous it felt like my lips were twitching. I wanted to just sit down and smack myself on the side of the head. I wasn't sure how things with Granger could go much worse than they were.

His voice saved me from injuring myself.

"I assume Ms. Ellie isn't home?"

"How did you guess?" My head tilted to the side as I glanced at him. With his height, I had to look up a bit to really look him in the eye.

"Well, I didn't know for sure. Guess I'm having a Sherlock moment. It's just...you're eating alone, you came to answer the door, and I didn't see a car out front."

He shrugged at the end of his words like it was all simple guess work, but there was something else there that he wasn't saying. I was getting the same odd feelings around Granger that I always had with Keller - like he knew more about things than he let people know.

Sherlock moment, my foot.

It was more like
Granger danger
, only I didn't know who was in trouble yet. Then again, if it was trouble involving Granger, maybe I wouldn't mind being in it. It might be nice to think about someone other than Keller since Keller obviously didn't want to think about me. Granger Panera visiting today was exactly what my bruised ego needed.

"Would you like to have a seat?" I asked, starting to feel more relaxed.

Granger shook his head. He didn't seem in a hurry to explain why he was here and since I'd decided I wasn't in a huge hurry for him to go, I was fine with that. But I wasn't sure how much more polite conversation I was supposed to make before he explained why he'd shown up at Fairvue.

"I can't stay long," he began, and I wondered if he were reading my mind or using his skills of deduction again. "I've got to get back to work," he offered up as explanation.

I'd never heard Granger mention where he worked, and I said as much out loud.

His eyes grew wide in surprise. "Oh. I thought you knew. I'm working here now. I help Keller. Ms. Ellie and Mr. Mac hired me a few weeks ago."

I wasn't sure why I was so surprised by the news, but I was. Gran hadn't mentioned to me she'd hired anyone else, and she'd certainly not mentioned that Granger would be working with Keller all summer. I wondered why she hadn't asked me for help. Then a picture of me working side by side with Keller popped into my head. Maybe I should be glad she'd hired Granger and never mentioned it to me.

Trying to cover my confusion, I answered, "Uh, no, I didn't know, but that's great. I'm sure you and Keller will enjoy working with each other." It felt awkward talking about Keller in front of Granger, and I wondered again if Keller ever mentioned to him what had happened between us.

Not wanting to rush Granger, but anxious for anything to talk about that didn't involve Keller, I questioned him again. "So, not that I'm not glad you stopped by, but why are you here? Did you need to talk to Gran about work or something? Because you're right. She's not here, and I'm not expecting her back anytime soon."

Granger took a step toward me and then froze. I'd never seen him look unsure before. He obviously wanted to say something. The fact that he seemed uncertain was enough to make me nervous again. I was sure that was the only reason my heart was racing. It had nothing to do with my being all alone with Granger. I licked my lips, and I watched his eyes follow the motion. My mouth went dry, and the room was suddenly much too hot.

Granger's hands reached out for me, his strong fingers circled my arms underneath my elbows as he pulled me closer.

"You want to know why I stopped by?" The rich timber of his voice filled the silence of the room, and I was suddenly unsure if I wanted to find out the answer.

"Well," he drawled out, "it definitely wasn't to see your Gran." He smiled a little, and then his voice became serious. "Pagan, I stopped by because I needed to find out something. Something I should have found out weeks ago."

His eyes roamed my face, searching for answers. His smile disappeared, and he pulled me even closer.

“What?” I whispered. "What is it you need to know?"

"This." he said. "I really need to find out
this
."

Leaving no more room for words, his mouth captured mine. My knees buckled. His arm moved along the small of my back, supporting me, holding me tight against him. Too stunned by what was happening, all I could do was hold tightly to him as the first sensations of his kiss penetrated my senses.

Granger's lips moved against mine, seeking to take away my resistance. He quickly took advantage of my surprise. His arms gathered me close, and my body seemed to have a will of its own as it moved closer to his.

Hadn't I imagined this since the day he almost kissed me? Hadn't I wondered what it would be like to be in Granger's arms, to feel his lips against mine, to have his body so close I could barely breathe?

The reality was so much better than my imagination.

Granger pulled away from me and looked into my eyes, searching. Pleased with what he saw, his beautiful mouth turned up at the corners. He ran one finger down the side of my face, and then under my chin, bringing my mouth back to his.

Without warning, his arm swept under my legs and I was off the ground, cradled against his chest. The closeness only lasted for a moment before he eased me down onto the leather couch, covering my body with the lean, muscled warmth of his own.

Part of my brain tried to warn me this wasn't what I really wanted, that this wasn't
who
I really wanted, but the bruised and battered part begged me to stop thinking until I couldn't think, until I could only feel.

My senses were deliciously overwhelmed, but there was still a part of me...a part of me that was separate from what was happening to me physically, reminding me this shouldn't be happening. Granger wasn't supposed to be here, and we definitely shouldn't be doing this when we'd barely even spoken in days.

There were things I didn't know about him, things I should ask, but I was so tired of being hurt, living a lifetime where no one ever really wanted me. And everything he was doing felt so nice, so wickedly wonderful. It felt so good to have someone pulling me closer instead of pushing me away.

Sensations overwhelmed me.

I didn't want to think anymore.

My shirt rose up in the back, and Granger's steady hands slipped underneath and found the warmth of my skin. My own hands felt the strength of his muscles even with the material of his shirt in the way. His kisses moved from my lips and trailed down my neck and then dared to go lower. He raised up from me slightly, and he swiftly pulled his shirt up and over his head. I watched as the silver chain he always wore slipped off as he purposely dropped both to the floor before lowering his body once again over mine.

The heat, the warmth of him, covered me. His lips teased everywhere. His hands went everywhere - stroking my face, my arms, and lower, until finally moving to the hem of my shirt, lifting the material even further up the small of my back.

At the intimate invasion, panic finally overwhelmed my befuddled senses, and the fog that had surrounded me before began to lift away. I moved my head to the side, but his lips followed and moved to my ear as he murmured my name.

My hands that had pulled him closer only moments before, were pushing against him frantically now.

This was wrong, this was wrong, this was wrong.

I needed to make him stop.

This was crazy and insane, but for everything I had felt only moments earlier, the feelings were...gone. This wasn’t what I wanted.
He
wasn’t who I wanted.

How much easier things would be if only he were.

The reality of what I'd been doing hit me hard. I felt like someone had thrown a bucket of ice water on me as I realized the truth.

I pushed harder with my arms, finally getting his attention. It took a moment for him to understand, but when he did, he stopped kissing me and sat up slowly.

I was mortified.

I couldn't look at him. I was confused, my emotions were in turmoil, and he was sitting there half dressed and so incredibly good looking that a part of me, a treacherous part of me, still wanted to melt into him, to feel his warmth and his strength and to forget - even if it were only for a minute - everything that was wrong with that idea. A part of me longed to be that someone Granger wanted, to stop the hurt of my bruised ego, to believe I was worthy of being wanted and maybe even loved.

But as good as it felt to be held in his arms, it wasn't
his
arms I wanted, no matter how much I wished it could be him.

Granger reached out and pulled me to a sitting position beside him. We were close, our arms the only part of us touching now. The silence between us was heavy.

I worked up the nerve to finally look at him. I could see a bit of me reflected in his beautiful, green eyes. My hair was loose, and my lips felt swollen. I looked a mess, but Granger gazed at me in a way that I knew meant he liked what he saw. Looking at him, still sitting there with his shirt off, I knew what I saw was gorgeous.

I moaned silently.

I had to be crazy. No girl in her right mind would push him away.

But you did, my inner voice taunted me.

I sighed out loud. I'd always thought my father was insane. I was certain now he'd passed his insanity gene on to me. It was the only thing I could think of to explain my behavior. I had to be certifiably nuts.

I pushed my hair back with both hands and then hid my face in my palms. "I am so embarrassed," I groaned. "I don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm so sorry."

Granger reached down and grabbed his shirt from where it had fallen onto the floor, and slipped the soft material over his head along with the silver chain he always wore. His tanned fingers reached out and gently pulled my own hands away from my face, forcing me to really look at him.

"Don't be embarrassed, Pagan." His half grin was my undoing, and I leaned in and kissed him gently. He kissed me back, but the passion from earlier was gone. His voice was smooth and calm when he spoke again.

"I told you I needed to find something out, and I did. Really, I think we both needed to know, don't you?"

My eyes were wide in surprise. How could he know, I wondered? Had Keller spoken to him after all, or was I simply that obvious to everyone around me?

He rose to leave, and I stood up quickly, pushing my shirt down and brushing my hair back from my face as I hurried to follow him to the front hallway. It took him only a minute to reach the door, but my voice stopped him from leaving.

“I'm not sure I understand."

Granger had already opened the door, but he turned around and looked at me and then motioned with his head outside. I followed his gaze and saw Keller working in the side yard. He wasn't looking towards the house, but I could feel his presence just the same.

"Keller's my best friend."

My head nodded slowly, not sure I wanted to know where he was going with this. "He's my friend, too, I think."

Granger looked at Keller and then back at me. "Don't you think there's a real possibility that he's more than that?"

His question caught me off guard, and then the truth hit me hard.

I looked out to where Keller was working, and at that moment he turned. As far away as he was, he couldn't possibly know I was looking at him, but I felt such a pull towards him, that I doubted everything I thought was true after the way he’d treated me again and again.

My own eyes began to fill with tears. I was so confused, and when I looked at Granger again I knew everything I was thinking showed clearly on my face.

"Will you tell him? Will you tell him that we, uh, that you and I, were, uhm," my voice trailed off, not sure what I wanted to say. Not sure I wanted to know.

"Probably."

He grinned at me and then added quickly, "I'll probably do it when I want to make him really mad, and you should know, it
will
make him really mad. At first anyway. Then when I tell him how you pushed me away, he'll probably look at things a little differently."               He laughed then, and I wondered how he could think this situation was funny.

"Pagan, maybe it was selfish, but I had to know if there was anything between us, because honestly, I'm half crazy about you and with just a small push, I could be head-over-heels. But it's not the same for you, and I respect that. Maybe I could have pushed it. Things might have gone further. If they had, it would have been amazing, but then we'd have both regretted it. Well, you might have. Me? Not so much." The smile on his face pulled at me, and crazily, I smiled back.