Crossings: A Sovereign Guardians Novel (20 page)

I wasn't sure what else I needed to say to him, but I thought Granger should know I thought he had it all about right, even if I didn't really think there was a chance for anything to happen between Keller and me. After all, he'd already pushed me away twice. I had some pride left, and I wasn't ready to dive in for a third try.

"You know, Granger, you confuse me, and you frustrate me quite a bit with that thing you do where I can't think quite straight, but I think you're right about us. We're friends. Good friends, but maybe I needed to know, too."

Granger leaned over and his lips brushed against my cheek as he whispered near my ear, "I'll be close by this summer if you change your mind." He winked at me and then pulled the door shut behind him.

Feeling like I might collapse, I leaned against it trying to catch my breath. Then I eased away from the support of the door and went back into the other room.

My eyes moved to the couch, and I felt my cheeks going red.

What
was
wrong with me? I wasn't the type of girl who fell all over guys or the type who guys fell all over.

My appetite for chicken and reality shows was gone. I couldn't have eaten anything else even if I'd wanted to, and my own life had more than enough insanity and excitement without having to watch anything on television. It was too early to go to bed, but that was all I wanted to do. I wanted to hide in my room and not talk to anyone else for the rest of the evening. Maybe after some sleep everything would make more sense.

It was times like these that I wished for my mother. I didn't remember her, of course, but I felt like I knew her from the stories my grandmother had told me about her. She had been beautiful inside and out according to Gran. She would have been the kind of mother I could have gone to and told everything I was feeling. I imagined us curled up on my bed, me telling her all my feelings about two boys who were driving me crazy. Two boys I'd kissed but never even dated. It was crazy, but she would have been the type of mother who would have listened. Really listened.

The tears that had been building in my eyes finally escaped and spilled over onto my cheeks. I wiped them away with the back of my hands. When I was younger, holidays like Mother's Day and Christmas had always made me sad, but I'd learned not to show my emotions because my father would use them against me, but this time I couldn’t control them, and the tears flowed freely.

I slowly climbed the stairs up to my room. My bed beckoned me, and I fell onto it, fully clothed, and pulled the covers over my head.

The darkness of my room didn't chase away all the ghosts, but it helped. And right now, that was the best I could hope for.

Chapter Ten

The sound of a phone ringing was what finally woke me up. At first I couldn't figure out where I was or what was going on. The dimming light outside my bedroom window told me it was early evening. I glanced at the clock and saw it was just after seven. I couldn't believe I'd slept away what had been left of the afternoon.

Praying the phone wouldn't stop ringing before I could reach it, I rushed down the stairs and turned the corner as the noise continued to echo down the hall. My hand grabbed the receiver on what I guessed was at least the tenth ring, and my hurried hello sounded out of breath even to my own ears.

"Pagan? Is that you, honey?" Gran's worry carried across the line.

I assured her it was and was quick to explain I'd been upstairs. I didn't tell her I'd been taking a nap because she would only worry that she'd woken me, and I would never have been able to convince her I was glad she hadn't left me sleeping.

Our conversation was short with most of the talking on my side. I had to spend a good amount of time convincing her that it was fine if she and Mr. Mac were going to stay over and visit his sister in Kentucky, and that I was perfectly okay being without her for a few nights and that yes, I knew how to call them if I needed anything.

It was her last words that brought me fully awake.

"You know Keller is right down the road if you need him. His number is on the list by the refrigerator. He could be there in a few minutes."

My silence greeted her suggestion.

"Pagan? Did you hear me? Call Keller if you need anything."

I swallowed over the lump in my throat.

"Of course, Gran. I will." I refused to say his name, but she knew what I meant.

After I hung up the phone, I stood there, not sure what to do. The confusing events of the afternoon rushed up to greet me, and I leaned my head against the wall beside the phone trying to gather my thoughts.

Gran didn't mention Granger even though he was helping now at the farm, too, which must mean only Keller was living out at Mr. Mac's farm. So then where did Granger live? Then another thought ran through my mind.

Did it matter that Keller was close by? Close enough to come if I needed him?

Oh, it mattered.

Granger's words about my feelings for Keller echoed through my mind. "
Don't you think there's a real possibility that he's more than that?"

As much as I wanted to deny I had any real feelings for Keller other than finding him irritating and frustrating and so attractively annoying, Granger's visit had left me clear about one thing.

I needed to see Keller.

I needed to find out if what I felt when he kissed me was real. Or was the last time we were together simply a reaction to what I'd imagined had happened in the woods? When I thought about Granger kissing me this afternoon, I couldn't deny having his attention even for a little while was nice. Any girl would be flattered by having someone like Granger Panera notice her. The boy could definitely kiss; I'd give him that. But it was so different than when Keller kissed me.

My face broke into a grin when I thought about what I was going to do next - even if it was reckless and a little crazy and probably involved getting my own heart crushed.

I glanced at the clock hanging on the kitchen wall. It was only fifteen minutes after seven. I could walk over to his house before it was dark, and if I took a flashlight with me, the walk back wouldn't be too bad.

I needed to see him.

I needed to do more than see him, my mind argued back. I needed to have him talk to me and say something aggravating so I could feel again what I always felt when I was around him and know now what those feelings really were.

I needed to find him. Now.

Granger was probably only joking earlier about talking to Keller himself, but I wanted to be the one to tell Keller about what had happened between Granger and me. I had to know if it even mattered to him, if he even cared, and talking to Keller would help me settle things, finally. If it didn't go the way I hoped, well, I might still walk away with some of my pride intact. But if it did matter to him, if it mattered to him what I now knew was true in my own heart, well, hopefully together we would be able to figure out why that was important.

Before I could talk myself out of what was probably an extremely bad idea, something I seemed to have a lot of lately, I ran upstairs and changed into a pair of faded jeans and a pink T-shirt that was a gift from Faith. She'd given me a designer T-shirt after she'd realized there was not much hope in talking me out of wearing my favorite piece of clothing on pretty much an everyday basis. She'd followed up the gift explaining that the least I could do was wear a shirt that didn't look like it came from a thrift store before flinging the shopping bag at my face. Then she'd given me the type of charming grin only Faith could pull off after throwing something at someone's face and waited anxiously as I pulled the soft material out of the bag.

I hated to admit it, but as far as T-shirts went, it was definitely one of my favorites. I'd voiced my opinion to her and was rewarded with a quick hug that was so tight, it nearly took my breath away.

A glance in the mirror proved what I already knew. My hair was its usually unruly mess, but for the sake of time, I decided to leave it down. It took me only a few more minutes to finish getting ready, and then I was out the door. Keller was no longer within view of the house, so I headed down the shortcut path that connected Fairvue to Mr. Mac's farm, hoping Keller would be there now.

The night was perfect, and for the start of summer, the temperature was mild. There was still enough light that I could easily see where I was going, but I'd still slipped a small flashlight in my back pocket for later. I hadn't grabbed a jacket, but I was glad I'd worn my jeans instead of shorts.

My own steps, which had been in such a hurry before, began to slow the closer I got to Mr. Mac's property. One part of me wanted to face Keller. The other half argued that this was a very bad idea. If I had any sense I would listen to the part of my mind that was screaming for me to turn around and go home, but if there was one thing I knew about me, it was that I didn't always listen to good advice, even my own.

So I kept walking.

I hadn't gone much further when I began to hear voices. I was too far off to be able to recognize them clearly, but I was fairly certain one belonged to Granger. The tone sounded angry, so I quickened my footsteps.

When I came to the end of the path, there was a small clearing right in front of a gray-colored barn. Sure enough, it was Granger's voice I had recognized. He was there, standing just inside the opening of the large double doors. He was arguing with someone, but I couldn't see who. Intent on his conversation, Granger hadn't yet seen me. I quietly stepped around a tree which had fallen across the edge of the path before I scurried, unseen, to the side of the barn.

When the second voice spoke, I recognized the deep timber that was unmistakably Keller. I was surprised to hear him sound so upset. I had been around Granger and Keller both now for quite a while, and I had never really seen either one of them angry with the other. Myself, on the other hand, well, I had yelled at both of them plenty of times. Even when I'd been the one doing the ranting and raving, they'd never raised their voices back at me.

Seeing them both acting so out of character, stopped me from barging in on their conversation. I knew I should have made them aware of my presence the minute I arrived. Instead I stayed quiet, compelled for some reason to find out what was going on and wondering if perhaps Granger had gone straight to Keller after all to talk about me. If that was the case, then I knew I should definitely let them both know I was here, but I was too curious to do the right thing.

As quietly as I could, I moved until I was as close to the doors of the barn as I dared to be without being seen. I pressed myself against the wooden planks, planning to listen to what was said before I gave away my location.

Granger's voice wasn't as loud now, but the tone confirmed he was still angry.

"When are you planning to tell her what's really going on, Keller? You can't keep playing babysitter and expect everything to remain the same."

I could see Keller between the cracks in the wood. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he looked like he would rather be anywhere than having this conversation with Granger.

"I don't know, okay? You keep asking me the same questions over and over, but nothing's changed. I didn't have an answer for you the first time you asked me, and I don't have one now."

Granger wasn't backing down. "Well, you better figure something out. You volunteered for this as you constantly point out to me, and we are running out of time. Her eighteenth birthday is coming up fast. We've got little more than a week left, and it doesn't feel like we're any closer to figuring anything out."

I watched as Keller's stance shifted. He took a quick step toward Granger. For a minute I thought he might hit him. Instead, he placed one hand on his shoulder. When he spoke his voice was calmer, and his shift in mood seemed to calm Granger, too.

"We'll finish this job. We always do things right. You know we're a good team. When I think back on all the impossible jobs we've made possible over all the times we've worked together, how can you even doubt things won't go our way?"

Granger shifted into my limited view, and even from my distance I could see him rolling his eyes at Keller's words, but he was definitely more at ease now and nearly smiling.

"You missed your calling, Keller. You really should have been one of those speakers who greets everyone at the gate and make them feel welcome instead of wasting your talents as a guardian. You could have had crowds standing and cheering."

Keller shook his head and moved away from Granger until I could no longer see him. I didn't understand what Granger meant calling Keller a guardian? Keller wasn't old enough to be anyone's guardian. Maybe it had something to do with the court system making Keller his own guardian. Nothing was making sense to me, including why I was still standing here. It was obvious Granger wasn't going to go away anytime soon, and I didn't want to talk to Keller in front of him. I made the decision to leave the way I had come, with no one being the wiser of my visit, but Granger's next words stopped me cold.

"Pagan
will
die before her eighteenth birthday if we can't stop this thing."

Keller's sigh filled the night air. "Do you think I don't know that? But we
will
stop it. Failure isn't an option."

"Then I have to bring up something I know you don't want to talk about. We can't afford to let personal feelings get in our way."

Keller's voice was so low I strained to hear his next words. "I've already proven I can do that. I can put my feelings to the side when it's necessary. But what about you? Because we both know you're not practicing what you're preaching. Care to tell me what you were doing at her house this afternoon? Don't look so shocked. I saw you leaving. I know you, and I know how you operate. Let me make it clear, Granger, that if your own personal feelings involved putting your hands anywhere on her body, then maybe you're the one who needs to think about what you're doing before I have to knock some sense into you."

Granger laughed out loud. "And you think you've got your feelings under control? Puh-lease, you can barely look at me right now because you're so filled with jealousy, wondering where my hands went, and if there’s a chance she might have chosen me since you took yourself out of the picture as far as she knows. Whether she meant to or not, she's got both of us so mixed up that neither one of us is thinking clearly, and that's exactly why I went to her house this afternoon. It was past time we straightened out a few things and at least found out the truth, even if we can't do anything about it. I thought knowing her feelings might help both of us think a little clearer. Of course, before she threw me out, you should probably know, it wasn't only my hands that touched her."

My stomach plummeted. I watched Keller come back into view His hands were clenched at his sides, and the veins in his neck stood out.

Before he could say or do anything, Granger rushed to continue. "Will you wait a minute before you decide to hit me? I wanted to see what kind of reaction you'd give, and you did exactly what I thought you would. Maybe you should listen to what I have to say before you throw that punch, or did you miss the part where I told you
she asked me to leave
?"

Keller's voice was shaking now with emotion. "Don't try and smooth talk you way around this one, Granger. You can try and tell yourself you went there to help me, but everything you did today was for you, and you know it. You made me turn away from her with all your warnings about how we couldn't get involved, but you went over to her house, knowing how confused she is, knowing what her life has been like, ready to offer her - what? Comfort? But you don't expect me to want to smash your face in?"

Keller's arm swung out, arching wide, his fist purposely slamming into the side of the barn rather than Granger's face. The wood shook with the force of his anger.

"Geez, man. You're going to hurt yourself. Ya know, you may be a guardian, but while we're here, you aren't invincible."