Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (9 page)

At first, we thought that maybe there
were
places where dialogue couldn't survive. But then we learned to ask: “Are you saying there isn't
anyone
you know who is able to hold a high-risk conversation in a way that solves problems
and
builds relationships?” There usually is.

Here's how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals—particularly when the going gets tough.

• Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.

• When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.

• Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?”

• Then, clarify what you
really
want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”

• And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”

• As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool's Choice.

• Watch to see if you're telling yourself that you must choose
between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.

• Break free of these Fool's Choices by searching for the
and
.

• Clarify what you don't want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

Let's start this chapter by visiting a failed crucial conversation. You've just ended a heated debate with a group of people you supervise. What started out as a harmless discussion about your new product timelines ended up as a nasty argument. After an hour of carping and complaining, you finally went to your separate corners.

You're now walking down the hall wondering what happened. In a matter of minutes, an innocent discussion had transformed into a crucial conversation and then into a
failed
conversation—and you can't recall why. You do remember a tense moment when you started pushing your point of view a bit too hard (okay, maybe
way
too hard), and eight people stared at you as if you had just bitten the head off a chicken. But then the meeting ended.

What you don't realize is that two of your friends are walking down the hallway in the opposite direction conducting a play-by-play of the meeting. They
do
know what took place.

“It happened again. The boss started pushing so hard for personal agenda items that we all began to act defensively. Did you notice how at one point all of our jaws dropped simultaneously? Of course, I was just as bad as the boss. I spoke in absolutes, only pointed out facts that supported my view, and then ended with a list of outlandish claims. I got hooked like a marlin.”

Later that day as you talk to your friends about the meeting, they let you in on what happened. You were there, but somehow you missed what actually
happened
.

“That's because you were so caught up in the
content
of the conversation,” your buddy explains. “You cared so deeply about the product timelines that you were blind to the
conditions
. You know—how people were feeling and acting, what tone they were taking, stuff like that.”

“You saw all that while still carrying on a heated conversation?” you ask.

“Yeah,” your coworker explains, “I always watch two elements. When things start turning ugly, I watch the content of the conversation (the topic under discussion) along with the conditions (what people are doing in response). I look for and examine both
what
and
why
. If you can see why people are becoming upset or holding back their views or even going silent, you can do something to get back on track.”

“You look at the ‘conditions,' and then you know what to do to get back on track?”

“Sometimes,” your friend answers. “But you've got to learn exactly what to look for.”

“It's a form of social first aid. By watching for the moment a conversation starts turning unhealthy, you can respond quickly.
The sooner you notice you're not in dialogue, the easier it is to get back and the lower the costs.”

“But,” your friend continues, “the sad corollary is that the longer it takes to notice you're not in dialogue, the harder it is to get back and the higher the costs.”

You can't believe how obvious this advice is—and yet you've never thought of such a thing. Weirder still, your friend has. In fact, he has a whole vocabulary for what's going on during a crucial conversation. It's as if you've been speaking another language.

In truth, most of us do have trouble dual-processing (simultaneously watching for content
and
conditions)—especially when both stakes and emotions are high. We get so caught up in what we're saying that it can be nearly impossible to pull ourselves out of the argument in order to see what's happening to ourselves and to others. Even when we are startled by what's going on, enough so that we think, “Yipes! This has turned ugly. Now what?” we may not know what to look for in order to turn things around. We may not see enough of what's happening.

How could that be? How could we be smack-dab in the middle of a heated debate and not really see what's going on? A metaphor might help. It's akin to fly fishing for the first time with an experienced angler. Your buddy keeps telling you to cast your fly six feet upstream from that brown trout “just out there.” Only you can't see a brown trout “just out there.” He can. That's because he knows what to look for. You
think
you do. You think you need to look for a brown trout. In reality, you need to look for the distorted image of a brown trout that's underwater while the sun is reflecting in your eyes. You have to look for elements other than the thing that your dad has stuffed and mounted over
the fireplace. It takes both knowledge and practice to know what to look for and then actually see it.

So what do you look for when caught in the middle of a crucial conversation? What do you need to see in order to catch problems before they become too severe? Actually, it helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don't feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress. Let's consider each of these conversation killers in turn.

First, stay alert for the moment a conversation turns from a routine or harmless discussion into a crucial one. In a similar vein, as you anticipate entering a tough conversation, pay heed to the fact that you're about to enter the danger zone. Otherwise, you can easily get sucked into silly games before you realize what's happened. And as we suggested earlier, the further you stray off track, the harder it can be to return and the higher the costs.

To help catch problems early, reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you're in a crucial conversation. Some people first notice
physical
signals—their stomach gets tight or their eyes get dry. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. Everyone is a little bit different. What are your cues? Whatever they are, learn to look at them as signs to step back, slow down, and Start with Heart before things get out of hand.

Others notice their
emotions
before they notice signs in their body. They realize they are scared, hurt, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings. These emotions can also be great cues to tell you to step back, slow down, and take steps to turn your brain back on.

Some people's first cue is
behavioral
. For them it's like an out-of-body experience. They see themselves raising their voice,
pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet. It's only then that they realize how they're feeling.

So take a moment to think about some of your toughest conversations. What cues can you use to recognize that your brain is beginning to disengage and you're at risk of moving away from healthy dialogue?

If you can catch signs that the conversation is starting to turn crucial—before you get sucked so far into the actual argument that you can never withdraw from the content—then you can start dual-processing immediately. And what exactly should you watch for? People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on
safety
. They pay attention to the content—that's a given—and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful. When friends, loved ones, or colleagues move away from healthy dialogue (freely adding to the pool of meaning)—either forcing their opinions into the pool or purposefully keeping their ideas out of the pool—they immediately turn their attention to whether or not others feel safe.

When it's safe, you can say anything
. Here's why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren't buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both these reactions—to fight and to take flight—are motivated by the same emotion: fear. On the other hand, if you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything and people will listen. If you don't fear that you're being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive.

This is a pretty remarkable claim. Think about it. We're suggesting that people rarely become defensive simply because of
what
you're saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe. The problem is not the
content
of your message, but the
condition
of the conversation. As we saw earlier, from the time we are quite small we begin to conclude that you can't be both honest and respectful simultaneously. In essence, we conclude that there are some messages you just can't give to some people. And over time, that list of messages gets longer and longer—until we find ourselves handling most crucial conversations badly. If what we're suggesting here is true, then the problem is not the message. The problem is that you and I fail to help others feel safe hearing the message. If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means the first challenge is to simply
see
and
understand
that safety is at risk.

Think about your own experience. Can you remember receiving really blistering feedback from someone at some point in your life, but in this instance you didn't become defensive? Instead, you absorbed the feedback. You reflected on it. You allowed it to influence you. If so, ask yourself why. Why in this instance were you able to absorb potentially threatening feedback so well? If you're like the rest of us, it's because you believed that the other person had your best interest in mind. In addition, you respected the other person's opinion. You felt
safe
receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person. You didn't need to defend yourself from what was being said— even if you didn't like what they were saying!

On the other hand, if you don't feel safe, you can't take any feedback. It's as if the pool of meaning has a lid on it. “What do you mean I look good? Is that some kind of joke? Are you insulting me?” When you don't feel safe, even well-intended comments are suspect.

When it's unsafe, you start to go blind
. By carefully watching for safety violations, not only can you see when dialogue is in
danger, but you can also reengage your brain. As we've said before, when your emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down. Not only do you prepare to take flight, but your peripheral vision actually narrows. In fact, when you feel genuinely threatened, you can scarcely see beyond what's right in front of you.

By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and looking for signs that safety is a risk, you reengage your brain and your full vision returns. As we suggested earlier, when you give your brain a new problem to consider (keep alert for signs that safety is at risk!), it affects your brain functioning. Your higher reasoning centers stay more active, and you're far less likely to be dumbed down and far more likely to succeed in your crucial conversation.

Don't let safety problems lead you astray
. Let's add a note of caution. When others begin to feel unsafe, they start acting in annoying ways. Now, since they're feeling unsafe, you should be thinking to yourself: “Hey, they're feeling unsafe. I need to do something—maybe make it safer.” That's what you
should
be thinking. Unfortunately, since others feel unsafe, they may be trying to make fun of you, insult you, or bowl you over with their arguments. This kind of aggressive behavior doesn't exactly bring out the diplomat in you. So instead of taking their attack as a sign that safety is at risk, you take it at its face—as an attack. “I'm under attack!” you think. Then the dumb part of your brain kicks in and you respond in kind. Or maybe you try to escape. Either way, you're not dual-processing and then pulling out a skill to restore safety. Instead, you're becoming part of the problem as you get pulled into the fight.