Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (10 page)

Imagine the magnitude of what we're suggesting here. We're asking you to recode silence and violence as signs that people are feeling unsafe. We're asking you to fight your natural tendency to respond in kind. We're asking you to undo years of practice,
maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus. “Ah, that's a sign that the other person feels unsafe.” And then what? Do something to make it safe.

Obviously, this can be a difficult undertaking. But it's worth it. This skill is the pivot point for everything that follows. It is also the gateway to gaining all the benefits that come to those who are skilled at crucial conversations. Imagine increased influence, enhanced relationships, stronger teams, and more effective leadership. Turn on your capacity to recognize and respond to safety problems.

In the next chapter we'll explore how. For now, simply learn to look for safety, and then be curious, not angry or frightened.

As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to violence (trying to force meaning in the pool). That part we know. But let's add a little more detail. Just as a little knowledge of what to look for can turn blurry water into a brown trout, knowing a few of the common forms of silence and violence helps you see safety problems when they first start to happen. That way you can step out, restore safety, and return to dialogue—before the damage is too great.

Silence consists of any act to purposefully withhold information from the pool of meaning. It's almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. Methods range from playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely. The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.

•
Masking
consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms.

“I think your idea is, uh, brilliant. Yeah, that's it. I just worry that others won't catch the subtle nuances. Some ideas come before their time, so expect some, uh, minor resistance.”

Meaning
: Your idea is insane, and people will fight it with their last breath.

“Oh yeah, that'll work like a charm. Offer people a discount, and they'll drive all the way across town just to save six cents on a box of soap. Where do you come up with this stuff?”

Meaning
: What a dumb idea.

•
Avoiding
involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.

“How does your new suit look? Well, you know that blue's my favorite color.”

Meaning
: What happened? Did you buy your clothes at the circus?

Speaking of ideas for cost cutting—what if we diluted the coffee? Or used both sides of our copier paper?

Meaning:
If I offer trivial suggestions perhaps we can avoid discussing sensitive things like staff inefficiency.

•
Withdrawing
means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.

“Excuse me. I've got to take this call.”

Meaning
: I'd rather gnaw off my own arm than spend one more minute in this useless meeting.

“Sorry, I'm not going to talk about how to split up the phone bill again. I'm not sure our friendship can stand another battle.” (Exits.)

Meaning
: We can't talk about even the simplest of topics without arguing.

Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking.

•
Controlling
consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It's done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation. Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.

“There's not a person in the world who hasn't bought one of these things. They're the perfect gift.”

Meaning
: I can't justify spending our hard-earned savings on this expensive toy, but I really want it.

“We tried their product, but it was an absolute disaster. Everyone knows that they can't deliver on time and that they offer the worst customer service on the planet.”

Meaning
: I'm not certain of the real facts, so I'll use hyperbole to get your attention.

•
Labeling
is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.

“Your ideas are practically Neanderthal. Any thinking person would follow my plan.”

Meaning
: I can't argue my case on its merits, so to get what I want I'll attack you personally.

“You're not going to listen to them are you? For crying out loud! First, they're from headquarters. Second, they're engineers. Need I say more?”

Meaning
: If I pretend that all people from headquarters and all engineers are somehow bad and wrong, I won't have to explain anything.

•
Attacking
speaks for itself. You've moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.

“Try that stupid little stunt and see what happens.”

Meaning
: I will get my way on this even if I have to bad-mouth you and threaten some vague punishment.

“Don't listen to a word Jim is saying. I'm sorry Jim, but I'm on to you. You're just trying to make it better for your team while making the rest of us suffer. I've seen you do it before. You're a real jerk, you know that? I'm sorry, but someone has to have the guts to tell it like it is.”

Meaning:
To get my way, I'll say bad things about you and then pretend that I'm the only one with any integrity.

Let's say you've been watching for both content and conditions. You're paying special attention to when a conversation turns crucial. To catch this important moment, you're looking for signs
that safety is at risk. As safety is violated, you even know to watch for various forms of silence and violence. So are you now fully armed? Have you seen all there is to see?

Actually, no. Perhaps the most difficult element to watch closely as you're madly dual-processing is your own behavior. Frankly, most people have trouble pulling themselves away from the tractor beam of the argument at hand. Then you've got the problem other people present as they employ all kinds of tactics. You've got to watch them like a hawk. It's little wonder that paying close attention to your own behavior tends to take a back-seat. Besides, it's not like you can actually step out of your body and observe yourself. You're on the wrong side of your eyeballs.

Low self-monitors
. The truth is, we all have trouble monitoring our own behavior at times. We usually lose any semblance of social sensitivity when we become so consumed with ideas and causes that we lose track of what we're doing. We try to bully our way through. We speak when we shouldn't. We withdraw into a punishing silence. We do things that don't work—all in the name of a cause. We eventually become so unaware that we become a bit like this fellow of Jack Handy's invention.

 

People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on our block. But I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said he wasn't the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. “No, you stupid idiot,” I said, “that's my house.”

 

Unfortunately, when you fail to monitor your own behavior, you can look pretty silly. For example, you're talking to your spouse about the fact that he or she left you sitting at the auto repair shop for over an hour. After pointing out that it was a simple misunderstanding, your spouse exclaims: “You don't have to get angry.”

Then you utter those famous words: “I'm not angry!”

Of course, you're spraying spit as you shout out your denial, and the vein on your forehead has swelled to the size of a teenage python. You, quite naturally, don't see the inconsistency in your response. You're in the middle of the whole thing, and you don't appreciate it one bit when your spouse laughs at you.

You also play this denial game when you ingenuously answer the question, “What's wrong?”

“Nothing's wrong,” you whimper. Then you shuffle your feet, stare at the floor, and look wounded.

What does it take to be able to step out of an argument and watch for process—including what you yourself are doing and the impact you're having? You have to become a vigilant self-monitor. That is, pay close attention to what you're doing and the impact it's having, and then alter your strategy if necessary. Specifically, watch to see if you're having a good or bad impact on safety.

What kind of a self-monitor are you? One good way to increase your self-awareness is to explore your Style Under Stress. What do you do when talking turns tough? To find out, fill out the survey on the following pages. Or, for easier scoring, visit
www.CrucialConversations.com/sus
. It'll help you see what tactics you typically revert to when caught in the midst of a crucial conversation. It'll also help you determine which parts of this book can be most helpful to you.

Instructions
. The following questions explore how you
typically
respond when you're in the middle of a crucial conversation. Before answering, pick a specific relationship at work or at home. Then answer the items while thinking about how you typically approach risky conversations in that relationship.

T F  1. At times I avoid situations that might bring me into contact with people I'm having problems with.

T F  2. I have put off returning phone calls or e-mails because I simply didn't want to deal with the person who sent them.

T F  3. Sometimes when people bring up a touchy or awkward issue, I try to change the subject.

T F  4. When it comes to dealing with awkward or stressful subjects, sometimes I hold back rather than give my full and candid opinion.

T F  5. Rather than tell people exactly what I think, sometimes I rely on jokes, sarcasm, or snide remarks to let them know I'm frustrated.

T F  6. When I've got something tough to bring up, sometimes I offer weak or insincere compliments to soften the blow.

T F  7. In order to get my point across, I sometimes exaggerate my side of the argument.

T F  8. If I seem to be losing control of a conversation, I might cut people off or change the subject in order to bring it back to where I think it should be.

T F  9. When others make points that seem stupid to me, I sometimes let them know it without holding back at all.

T F  10. When I'm stunned by a comment, sometimes I say things that others might take as forceful or attacking—comments such as “Give me a break!” or “That's ridiculous!”

T F  11. Sometimes when things get heated, I move from arguing against others' points to saying things that might hurt them personally.

T F  12. If I get into a heated discussion, I've been known to be tough on the other person. In fact, the person might feel a bit insulted or hurt.

T F  13. When I'm discussing an important topic with others, sometimes I move from trying to make my point to trying to win the battle.

T F  14. In the middle of a tough conversation, I often get so caught up in arguments that I don't see how I'm coming across to others.

T F  15. When talking gets tough and I do something hurtful, I'm quick to apologize for mistakes.

T F  16. When I think about a conversation that took a bad turn, I tend to focus first on what I did that was wrong rather than focus on others' mistakes.

T F  17. I'm pretty good at persuading others by helping them understand the reasoning behind my views.

T F  18. I can tell very quickly when others are holding back or feeling defensive in a conversation.

T F  19. Sometimes I decide that it's better not to give harsh feedback because I know that it's bound to cause real problems.

T F  20. When conversations aren't working, I step back from the fray, think about what's happening, and take steps to make it better.

T F  21. When others get defensive because they misunderstand me, I quickly get us back on track by clarifying what I do and don't mean.

T F  22. There are some people I'm rough on because, to be honest,
in the moment
I feel like they need or deserve what I give them.

T F  23. I sometimes make absolute statements like “The fact is . . .” or “It's obvious that . . .” to be sure I get my point across.

T F  24. If others hesitate to share their views, I sincerely invite them to say what's on their mind, no matter what it is.

T F  25. I sometimes feel so frustrated or put down that I come across pretty aggressively toward the other person.

T F  26. Even when things get tense, I'm good at finding out why people are upset and getting to the root cause of the problem.

T F  27. When I find that I'm at cross-purposes with someone, I often keep trying to win my way rather than looking for common ground.