Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (14 page)

We also have to be willing to verbalize this commitment even when our partner seems committed to winning. We act on faith that our partner is stuck in silence or violence because he or she feels unsafe. We assume that if we build more safety—by demonstrating our commitment to finding a Mutual Purpose—the other person will feel more confident that dialogue could be a productive avenue.

So next time you find yourself stuck in a battle of wills, try this amazingly powerful but simple skill. Step out of the content of the struggle and make it safe. Simply say, “It seems like we're both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.” Then watch whether safety takes a turn for the better.

Wanting to come up with a shared goal is a wonderful first step, but desire alone is not enough. After we've experienced a change of heart, we need to change our strategy as well. Here's the problem we have to fix: When we find ourselves at an impasse, it's because we're asking for one thing and the other person is asking for something else. We think we'll never find a way out because we equate what we're asking for with what we actually want. In truth, what we're asking for is the
strategy
we're suggesting to get what we want. We confuse wants or purpose with strategies. That's the problem.

For example, I come home from work and say that I want to go to a movie. You say that you want to stay home and relax. And so we debate: movie, TV, movie, read, etc. We figure we'll never be able to resolve our differences because going out and staying home are incompatible.

In such circumstances, we can break the impasse by asking others, “Why do you want that?” In this case,

“Why do you want to stay home?”

“Because I'm tired of running around and dealing with the hassle of the city.”

“So you want peace and quiet?”

“Mostly. And why do you want to go to a movie?”

“So I can spend some time with you away from the kids.”

Before you can agree on a Mutual Purpose, you must first know what people's real purposes are. Step out of the content of the conversation—which is generally focused on strategies—and explore the purposes behind them.

When you do separate strategies from purpose, new options become possible. By releasing your grip on your strategy and focusing on your real purpose, you're now open to the idea that you might actually find alternatives that can serve both of your interests

“You want peace and quiet, and I want time with you away from the kids. So if we can come up with something that is quiet and away, we'll both be happy. Is that right?”

“Absolutely. What if we were to take a drive up the canyon and . . .”

Sometimes when you recognize the purposes behind another person's strategies, you discover that you actually have compatible goals. From there you simply come up with common strategies. But you're not always so lucky. For example, you find out that your genuine wants and goals cannot be served except at the expense of the other person's. In this case you cannot
discover
a Mutual Purpose. That means you'll have to actively
invent
one.

To invent a Mutual Purpose, move to more encompassing goals. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides. For instance, you and your spouse may not agree on whether or not you should take the promotion, but you can agree that the needs of your
relationship and the children come before career aspirations. By focusing on higher and longer-term goals, you often find ways to transcend short-term compromises, build Mutual Purpose, and return to dialogue.

Once you've built safety by finding a shared purpose, you should now have enough safety to return to the content of the conversation. It's time to step back into the dialogue and brainstorm strategies that meet everyone's needs. If you've committed to finding something everyone can support and surfaced what you really want, you'll no longer be spending your energy on unproductive conflict. Instead, you'll be actively coming up with options that can serve everyone.

Suspend judgment and think outside the box for new alternatives. Can you find a way to work in a job that is local and still meets your career goals? Is
this
job with
this
company the only thing that will make you happy? Is a move really necessary in this new job? Is there another community that could offer your family the same benefits? If you're not willing to give creativity a try, it'll be impossible for you to jointly come up with a mutually acceptable option. If you are, the sky's the limit.

In summary, when you sense that you and others are working at cross-purposes, here's what you can do. First, step out of the content of the conflict. Stop focusing on who thinks what. Then create a Mutual Purpose.

•
C
ommit to seek Mutual Purpose
. Make a unilateral public commitment to stay in the conversation until you come up with something that serves everyone.

“This isn't working. Your team is arguing to stay late and work until we're done, and my team wants to go home and come back on the weekend. Why don't we see if we can come up with something that satisfies everyone?”

•
R
ecognize the purpose behind the strategy
. Ask people why they want what they're pushing for. Separate what they're demanding from the purpose it serves.

“Exactly why don't you want to come in Saturday morning? We're feeling fatigued and are worried about safety issues and a loss of quality. Why do you want to stay late?”

•
I
nvent a Mutual Purpose
. If after clarifying everyone's purposes you are still at odds, see if you can invent a higher or longer-term purpose that is more motivating than the ones that keep you in conflict.

“I certainly don't want to make winners and losers here. It's far better if we can come up with something that doesn't make one team resent the other one. We've voted before or flipped a coin, and the losers just ended up resenting the winners. I'm more worried about how we feel about each other than anything else. Let's make sure that whatever we do, we don't drive a wedge in our working relationship.”

•
B
rainstorm new strategies
. With a clear Mutual Purpose, you can join forces in searching for a solution that serves everyone.

“So we need to come up with something that doesn't jeopardize safety and quality and allows your team to attend your colleague's wedding on Saturday afternoon. My team members have a game Saturday morning. What if your team was to work the morning and early afternoon, and then our team can
come in after the game and take over from there? That way we'll be able . . .”

Let's end the chapter where we started. Yvonne is going to try to move to dialogue with Jotham. Let's see how she does at making it safe in her crucial conversation. First, she'll use Contrasting to prevent misunderstanding of her purpose.

Y
VONNE
: Jotham, I'd like to talk about our physical relationship. I'm not doing it to put you on the spot or to suggest the problem is yours. I'm completely clear that it's as much my problem as yours. I'd really like to talk about it so we can make things better for both of us.

J
OTHAM
: What's there to talk about? You don't want it. I want it. I'll try to deal with it.

Y
VONNE
: I think it's more complicated than that. The way you act sometimes makes me want to be with you even less.

J
OTHAM
: If that's how you feel, why are we pretending we have a relationship at all?

Okay, what just happened? Remember, we're exploring Yvonne's side of the conversation. She's the one initiating the talk. Clearly there's a lot Jotham could be doing to make things go better. But Yvonne's not Jotham. What should she do? She should focus on what she really wants: to find a way to make things better for both of them. Consequently, she shouldn't respond to the content of Jotham's discouraging statement. Rather, she should look at the safety issue behind it. Why is Jotham starting to withdraw from the conversation? Two reasons:

• The way Yvonne made her point sounded to him like she was blaming him for everything.

• He believes her concern in one small area reflects her total feelings toward him.

So she'll apologize and use Contrasting to rebuild safety.

Y
VONNE
: I'm sorry I said it that way. I'm not blaming you for how I feel or act. That's my problem. I don't see this as your problem. I see it as our problem. Both of us may be acting in ways that make things worse. I know I am, at least.

J
OTHAM
: I probably am too. Sometimes I pout because I'm hurting. And I also do it hoping it'll make you feel bad. I'm sorry about that, too.

Notice what just happened. Since Yvonne dealt well with the safety issue and kept focused on what she really wanted out of this conversation, Jotham returned to the conversation. This is far more effective than if Yvonne had gone into blaming.

Let's continue.

J
OTHAM
: I just don't see how we can work this out. I'm wired for more passion than you are—it seems like the only solution is for me to put up with it the way it is or for you to feel like a sex slave.

The problem now is one of Mutual Purpose. Jotham thinks he and Yvonne are at cross-purposes. In his mind, there is no possibility of a mutually satisfactory solution. Rather than move to compromise or fight for her way, Yvonne will step out of the issue and CRIB to get to Mutual Purpose.

Y
VONNE
: [
Commit to seek Mutual Purpose
] No, that isn't what I want at all. I don't want anything with you that isn't great for both of us. I just want to find a way to have us both feel close, appreciated, and loved.

J
OTHAM
: That's what I want, too. It just seems like we get those feelings in different ways.

(Notice how Jotham is leaving the game behind and joining the dialogue. Safety—specifically, Mutual Purpose—is making this possible.)

Y
VONNE
: [
Recognize the purpose behind the strategy
] Maybe not. What makes you feel loved and appreciated?

J
OTHAM
: Making love with you when you really want to makes me feel loved and appreciated. And you?

Y
VONNE
: When you do thoughtful things for me. And, I guess, when you hold me—but not always sexually.

J
OTHAM
: You mean, if we're just cuddling, that makes you feel loved?

Y
VONNE
: Yes. And sometimes—I guess when I think you're doing it because you love me—sex does that for me, too.

J
OTHAM
: [
Invent a Mutual Purpose
] So we need to find ways to be together that make both of us feel loved and appreciated. Is that what we're looking for here?

Y
VONNE
: Yes. I really want that, too.

J
OTHAM
: [
Brainstorm new strategies
] Well, what if we . . .

Reading a complicated interaction like this one might lead to two reactions. First, you might think, “Wow, these ideas could actually work!” And at the same time, you could be thinking, “But there's no way I could think that clearly in the middle of that kind of delicate conversation!”

We admit that it's pretty easy for us to put all the skills together when we're sitting at a computer creating a script. But the good news is, that's not where these examples came from. They came from watching skilled people in action. People do act like this all the time. In fact,
you
do on your best days.

So don't overwhelm yourself by insisting that you think and act this clearly and professionally during every heated and emotional conversation. Merely consider whether you could think a little more clearly during a few crucial conversations. Or prepare in advance.
Before
a crucial conversation begins, think about which skills will help you most. Remember, when it comes to these high-stakes conversations, a little progress can produce a lot of benefit.