Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (11 page)
Read Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High Online
Authors: Kerry Patterson,Joseph Grenny,Ron McMillan,Al Switzler
T FÂ Â 28. When things don't go well, in the heat of the moment I'm inclined to think the other person is more at fault than I am.
T FÂ Â 29. After I share strong opinions, I go out of my way to invite others to share their views, particularly opposing ones.
T FÂ Â 30. When others hesitate to share their views, I listen even more attentively and show more interest in their view.
T FÂ Â 31. I often have problems with people failing to do what we agreed to and then the burden is on me to bring it up again.
T FÂ Â 32. After conversations, I have additional problems because I have different recollections of what was discussed or agreed to.
T FÂ Â 33. When trying to work out problems with others, I find we either disagree on or have violated expectations about who has the final say on some issues.
Assess Your Own “Style Under Stress” Online
To access a self-scoring version of the Style Under Stress test, as well as other free resources to help you master crucial conversations, visit
www.CrucialConversations.com/exclusive
.
Please fill out the score sheets in
Figures 4-1
and
4-2
. Each domain contains two to three questions. Next to the question number is either a (T) or an (F). For example, under “Masking,” question 5 on
Figure 4-1
, you'll find a (T). This means that if you answered it true, check the box. With question 13 on
Figure 4-2
, on the other hand, you'll find an (F). Only check that box if you answered the question falseâand so on.
Your Style Under Stress score (
Figure 4-1
) will show you which forms of silence or violence you turn to most often. Your Dialogue Skills score (
Figure 4-2
) is organized by concept and chapter so you can decide which chapters may benefit you the most.
Figure 4-1. Score Sheet for Style Under Stress Assessment
Your silence and violence scores give you a measure of how frequently you fall into these less-than-perfect strategies. It's actually possible to score high in both. A high score (one or two checked boxes per domain) means you use this technique fairly often. It also means you're human. Most people toggle between holding back and becoming too forceful.
The seven domains in
Figure 4-2
reflect your skills in each of the corresponding seven skill chapters. If you score high (two or three boxes) in one of these domains, you're already quite skilled in this area. If you score low (zero or one), you may want to pay special attention to these chapters.
Since these scores represent how you typically
behave
during stressful or crucial conversations, they can change. Your score
doesn't represent an inalterable character trait or a genetic propensity. It's merely a measure of your behaviorâand you can change that. In fact, people who take this book seriously will practice the skills contained in each chapter and eventually they will change. And when they do, so will their lives.
Figure 4-2. Score Sheet for Dialogue Skills Assessment
What next
? Now that you've identified your own Style Under Stress, you have a tool that can help you Learn to Look. That is, as you enter a touchy conversation, you can make a special effort to avoid some of your silence or violence habits. Also, when you're in the middle of a crucial conversation, you can be more conscious of what to watch for.
My Crucial Conversation: Tom E.
I am fifty-five years old, and we all know the saying “You can't teach an old dog new tricks.” I have worked in engineering and purchasing at the same company for seventeen years. Throughout my career I've faced recurring interpersonal conflicts that resulted from frequent “blow-ups.” I'd always believed completing the task was the most important thing and relationship damage was collateral damage I could live with.
My immediate superior had attended a Crucial Conversations class for the upper-level managers at our company. The next step was to enroll the next level of managers and coaches. I don't coach anyone, but my supervisor enrolled me in the class anyway.
My initial thought was, “I really don't have the time for this stuff!” But after the first few minutes, I realized that not only was I in the right place, but there was potential to learn something. I sat intently and absorbed as much as I could. As I “Learned to Look” I replayed past incidents in my mind and realized where I had gone wrong. I realized that I paid no attention when interacting with others. I didn't notice when they went to silence or violence. It was “my way or the highway,” and I would push until others went to silence, which to me signaled agreement.
During the training, I reread chapters and talked with classmates. I met with my learning partner, and he candidly told me that many of my coworkers believed I had a wealth of knowledge but avoided dealing with me because they didn't know when my next blow-up would happen.
Shortly after I completed the class, the director of engineering called me into his office. He placed me on probation because of feedback about my blow-ups. I had three months to turn things around or I was gone. I thought overnight about what I was going to do. I realized what I had learned about myself in the Crucial
Conversations class gave me the tools to fix the problem. Prior to the class, I had no clue about how to turn things around and most likely would have walked out the door. Because of Crucial Conversations, however, I accepted the challenge.
My coach told me this would have to be a “life change” and not a temporary change, and I realized I had some fences to mend within the organization. I knew the road was going to be long and hard. Apologizing was difficult, but I wanted to change myself.
It is now a year later, and I still work for the same company. The things that have happened in the last year amaze me. I have mended all the fences, and at times, individuals have come to
me
for advice on dealing with situations. I have even had crucial conversations with managers of our company on behalf of others. My wife tells me the pattern of behavior of the last thirty years has changed. Things that used to cause me to blow up at home no longer do, and she says it's like being married to a different person. I am a different personâone even I like. Crucial Conversations has definitely changed me, and this old dog
has
learned new tricks.
âTom E.
When caught up in a crucial conversation, it's difficult to see exactly what's going on and why. When a discussion starts to become stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. We turn to the less healthy components of our Style Under Stress.
To break from this insidious cycle, Learn to Look.
⢠Learn to look at content
and
conditions.
⢠Look for when things become crucial.
⢠Learn to watch for safety problems.
⢠Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence.
⢠Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress.
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in baskets of silver
.
âP
ROVERBS
25:11
How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything
The last chapter contained a promise: If you spot safety risks as they happen, you can step out of the conversation,
build safety
, and then find a way to talk about just about anything. In this chapter, we'll fulfill that promise by teaching what it takes to restore safety.
To get started, let's eavesdrop on a couple as they try to discuss one of the most delicate of topicsâphysical intimacy.
First a little background. Jotham thinks he and Yvonne are intimate with each other far too seldom. Yvonne is satisfied with their physical relationship. For years, the two have acted out rather than talked out their concerns. When Jotham wants to be amorous and Yvonne doesn't respond, he goes to silence. He pouts, says almost nothing, and avoids Yvonne for the next few days.
Yvonne knows what's going on with Jotham. Occasionally she'll go along with him even when she's not feeling particularly romantic. She does this in hopes of avoiding Jotham's pouting. Unfortunately, she then feels resentful toward Jotham, and it's much longer before she feels genuinely affectionate toward him.
So here's the game. The more Jotham insists and pouts, the less attractive and interesting he is to Yvonne. The more Yvonne succumbs and then resents, the less she's interested in the relationship. The more both of them act out rather than talk out this crucial conversation, the more likely they are to end up going their separate ways. Yvonne has decided to broach the subject with Jotham. Rather than waiting until they're both upset, she's picked a time when they're relaxing on the couch. Here goes.
Y
VONNE
: Jotham, can we talk about what happened last nightâyou know, when I told you that I was tired?
J
OTHAM
: I don't know if
I'm
in the mood.
Y
VONNE
: What's that supposed to mean?
J
OTHAM
: I'm sick and tired of you deciding when we do what!
Y
VONNE
: (
walks out
)
Okay, let's look at Yvonne. She tried to tackle a tough topic. Good for her. She was already uncomfortable and her partner took a cheap shot at her. Some help he was. Now what should she do? How can she get back to honest and healthy dialogue? What do you do when you don't feel like it's safe to share what's on your mind?
The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. Don't stay stuck in what's being said. Yvonne exited because she was focused on
what
Jotham was saying. If she had been looking at
Jotham's conditions of dialogue, she would have spotted his use of sarcasmâa form of
silence
. Rather than talking openly about his concern and adding to the Pool of Shared Meaning, he's taking a potshot. Why would he do that?
Because he doesn't feel safe using dialogue
.
Unfortunately, Yvonne then missed this point. Now, we're not suggesting that Jotham's behavior is acceptable, or that Yvonne should put up with it. But first things firstâStart with Heart. The first question is: “What do I really want?”
If you really want to have a healthy conversation about a topic that will make or break your relationship, then for a moment or two you may have to set aside confronting the current issueâi.e., Jotham's sarcasm.
At this moment, Yvonne needs to build safetyâenough to talk about their physical relationship, about the way Jotham is dealing with it, or about any other concerns. But if she doesn't make it safe, all she's going to experience is an unhealthy continuation of the silence and violence games.
So, what should she do?
In these circumstances, the
worst
at dialogue do what both Jotham and Yvonne did. Like Jotham, they totally ignore the crying need for more safety. They say whatever is on their mindsâ with no regard for how it will be received. Or like Yvonne, they conclude the topic is completely unsafe and move to silence.
The
good
realize that safety is at risk, but they fix it in exactly the wrong way. They try to make the subject more palatable by sugarcoating their message. “Oh, honey, I really want to be with you but I'm under a lot of pressure at work, and the stress makes it hard for me to enjoy our time together.” They try to make things safer by watering down or dressing up their content. This strategy, of course, avoids the real problem, and it never gets fixed.
The
best
don't play games. Period. They know that in order to solve their problem, they'll need to talk about their problemâwith
no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking. So they do something completely different. They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in. Once safety is restored, they can talk about nearly anything.