Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (26 page)

Generally speaking, a vast majority of these problems go away if they're privately, respectfully, and firmly discussed. Your biggest challenge will be the respect part. If you put up with this
behavior for too long, you'll be inclined to tell a more and more potent Villain Story about the offender. This will jack up your emotions to the point that you'll go in with guns blazing—even if only through your body language.

Tell the rest of the story. If you've tolerated the behavior for a long time before holding the conversation, own up to it. This may help you treat the individual like a reasonable, rational, and decent person—even if some of his or her behavior doesn't fit this description.

When you feel a measure of respect for the other person, you're ready to begin. After establishing a Mutual Purpose for the exchange, STATE your path. For example:

“I'd like to talk about something that's getting in the way of my working with you. It's a tough issue to bring up, but I think it'll help us be better teammates if I do. Is that okay?” [
Establish Mutual Purpose
]

“When I walk into your office, sometimes your eyes move up and down my body. And when I sit next to you at a computer, sometimes you put your arm around the back of my chair. I don't know that you're aware you're doing these things, so I thought I'd bring them up because they send a message that makes me uncomfortable. How do you see it?” [
STATE My Path
]

If you can be respectful and private but firm in this conversation, most problem behavior will stop. And remember, if the behavior is over the line, you shouldn't hesitate to contact HR to ensure your rights and dignity are protected.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN your spouse is too sensitive? You try to give him or her some constructive feedback, but he or she reacts so strongly that you end up going to silence.”

Often couples come to an unspoken agreement during the first year or so of their marriage that affects how they communicate for the rest of their marriage. Say one person is touchy and can't take feedback, or the other doesn't give it very well. In any case, they in effect agree to say nothing to each other. They live in silence. Problems have to be huge before they're discussed.

This is generally a problem of not knowing how to STATE Your Path. When something bothers you, catch it early. Contrasting can also help. “I'm not trying to blow this out of proportion. I just want to deal with it before it gets out of hand.” Describe the specific behaviors you've observed. “When Jimmy leaves his room a mess, you use sarcasm to get his attention. You call him a ‘pig' and then laugh as if you didn't mean it.” Tentatively explain the consequences. “I don't think it's having the effect you want. He doesn't pick up on the hint, and I'm afraid that he's starting to resent you” (
Your story
). Encourage testing: “Do you see it differently?”

Finally, Learn to Look for signs that safety is at risk, and Make It Safe. When you STATE things well and others become defensive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss. Think harder about your approach. Step out of the content, do what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try again to candidly STATE your view.

When spouses stop giving each other helpful feedback, they lose out on the help of a lifelong confidant and coach. They miss
out on hundreds of opportunities to help each other communicate more effectively.

MY TEAMMATES ARE hypocrites. We get together and talk about all the ways we could improve, but then people don't do what they agreed to.”

The
worst
teams walk away from problems like these. In
good
teams, the boss eventually deals with problem behavior. In the
best
teams, every team member is part of the system of accountability. If team members see others violate a team agreement, they speak up immediately and directly. It's dangerous to wait for or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do themselves.

If your teammate isn't doing what you think he or she should, it's up to you to speak up. We realized this after watching a group of executives that agreed they'd hold off on all discretionary spending to help free up cash for a short-term crunch. This strategy sounded good in the warm glow of an off-site meeting, but the very next day a team member rushed back and prepaid a vendor for six months of consulting work—work that appeared to be “discretionary.”

A team member who saw the executive prepare for and then make the prepayment didn't realize this was
the
crucial conversation that would determine whether the team would pull together or fall apart on this issue. Instead, he decided it was up to the boss to hold this person accountable. He said nothing. By the time the boss found out about the transaction and addressed
the issue, the policy had already been violated and the money spent. Motivation to support the new plan dissipated, and the team ran short of cash.

When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new initiatives, they need to be prepared to address the problem when a team member doesn't live up to the agreement. Success does not depend on perfect compliance with new expectations, but on teammates who hold crucial conversations with one another when others appear to be reverting to old patterns.

PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR ME FILTER WHAT they say by guessing what they think I'm willing to hear. They take little initiative in solving important problems because they're afraid I'll disagree with them.”

When leaders face deference—or what feels like kissing up—they typically make one of two mistakes. Either they misdiagnose the cause (fear) or they try to banish deference with a brash command.

Misdiagnose
. Often, leaders are causing the fear but denying it. “Who me? I don't do a thing to make people feel uncomfortable.” They haven't Learned to Look. They're unaware of their Style Under Stress. Despite this disclaimer, the way they carry themselves, their habit of speaking in absolutes, their subtle use of authority—something out there—is creating fear and eventual deference.

Then there's the other misdiagnosis: leaders who face “head-bobbing kiss-ups” often think they're doing something wrong when, in fact, they're living with ghosts of previous leaders. They do their best to be open and supportive and to involve people, but despite their genuine efforts, people still keep their distance.
Often, people treat their leaders like celebrities or dictators, regardless of the fact that they've done nothing to deserve it.

Before you do anything, you need to find out if you're the cause, if you're living with ghosts of bosses past, or both.

Command it away
. Many leaders seek the simple path. They
tell
people to stop deferring.

“It seems to me that you're agreeing with me because I'm the boss and not because what I'm saying makes sense.”

“Absolutely!”

“I'd prefer that you stop deferring to me and simply listen to the idea.”

“Okay. Whatever you say, Boss!”

With ingrained deference you face a catch-22. If you don't say something, it'll probably continue. If you do say something, you may be inadvertently encouraging it to continue.

Work on me first. Discover your part in the problem. Don't ask your direct reports. If they're already deferring to you, they'll whitewash the problem. Consult with a peer who watches you in action. Ask for honest feedback. Are you doing things that cause people to defer to you? If so, what? Explore your peer's path by having him or her point out your specific behaviors. Jointly develop a plan of attack, work on it, and seek continued feedback.

If the problem stems from ghosts (the actions of previous leaders),
go public
. Describe the problem in a group or team meeting and then ask for advice. Don't try to command it away. You can't. Reward risk takers. Encourage testing. When people do express an opinion contrary to yours, thank them for their honesty. Play devil's advocate. If you can't get others to disagree, then disagree with yourself. Let people know that all ideas are open to question. If you need to, leave the room. Give people some breathing space.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT to do. I'm not sure I can trust this person. He missed an important deadline. Now I wonder if I should trust him again.”

People often assume that trust is something you have or don't have. Either you trust someone or you don't. That puts too much pressure on trust. “What do you mean I can't stay out past midnight? Don't you trust me?” your teenage son inquires.

Trust doesn't have to be universally offered. In truth, it's usually offered in degrees and is very topic specific. It also comes in two flavors—motive and ability. For example, you can trust me to administer CPR if needed; I'm motivated. But you can't trust me to do a good job; I know nothing about it.

Deal with trust around the issue, not around the person.

When it comes to regaining trust in others, don't set the bar too high. Just try to trust them in the moment, not across all issues. You don't have to trust them in everything. To Make It Safe for yourself in the moment, bring up your concerns. Tentatively STATE what you see happening. “I get the sense that you're only sharing the good side of your plan. I need to hear the possible risks before I'm comfortable. Is that okay?” If they play games, call them on it.

Also, don't use your mistrust as a club to punish people. If they've earned your mistrust in one area, don't let it bleed over into your overall perception of their character. If you tell yourself a Villain Story that exaggerates others' untrustworthiness, you'll act in ways that help them justify themselves in being even less worthy of your trust. You'll start up a self-defeating cycle and get more of what you
don't
want.

MY SPOUSE IS THE person you talked about earlier. You know, I try to hold a meaningful discussion, I try to work through an important problem, and he or she simply withdraws. What can I do?”

It's common to blame others for not wanting to stay in dialogue as if it were some kind of genetic disorder. That's not the problem. If others don't want to talk about tough issues, it's because they believe that it won't do any good. Either they aren't good at dialogue, or you aren't, or you both aren't—or so they think.

Work on me first. Your spouse may have an aversion to all crucial conversations, even when talking to a skilled person. Nevertheless, you're still the only person you can work on. Start with simple challenges. Don't go for the really tough issues. Do your best to Make It Safe. Constantly watch to see when your spouse starts to become uncomfortable. Use tentative language. Separate intent from outcome. “I'm pretty sure you're not intending to. . .” If your spouse consistently seems unwilling to talk about his or her personal issues, learn how to Explore Others' Paths. Practice these skills every chance you get. In short, start simply and then bring all your dialogue tools into play.

Now, having said all of this, exercise patience. Don't nag. Don't lose hope and then go to violence. Every time you become aggressive or insulting, you give your spouse additional evidence that crucial conversations do nothing but cause harm.

If you're constantly on your best dialogue behavior, you'll build more safety in the relationship and your spouse will be more likely to begin picking up on the cues and start coming around.

When you see signs of improvement, you can accelerate the growth by inviting your spouse to talk with you about
how
you talk. Your challenge here is to build safety by establishing a compelling Mutual Purpose. You need to help your partner see a
reason
for having this conversation—a reason that is so compelling that he or she will be willing to take part.

Share what you think the consequences of having or not having this conversation could be (both positive and negative). Explain what it means to both you and the relationship. Then invite your spouse to help identify the topics you have a hard time discussing. Take turns describing how you both tend to approach these topics. Then discuss the possible benefits of helping each other make improvements.

Sometimes if you can't talk about the tough topics, you can more easily talk about
how
you talk—or don't talk—about them. That helps get things started.

THE PERSON I'M THINKING OF doesn't do blatantly unacceptable things—nothing to write home about—just subtle stuff that's starting to drive me crazy.”

If people simply bother you at some abstract level, maybe what they're doing isn't worthy of a conversation. Perhaps the problem is not their behavior but your tolerance. For example, an executive laments, “My employees really disappoint me. Just look at the length of their hair.” It turns out that the employees in question have no contact with anyone besides one another. Their hair length has nothing to do with job performance. The boss really has no reason to say anything.