Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (21 page)

B
OB
: Hi, Honey, how was your day?

C
AROLE
: Not so good.

B
OB
: Why's that?

C
AROLE
: I was checking our credit card bill, and I noticed a charge of forty-eight dollars for the Good Night Motel down the street. [
Shares facts
]

B
OB
: Boy, that sounds wrong.

C
AROLE
: It sure does.

B
OB
: Well, don't worry. I'll check into it one day when I'm going by.

C
AROLE
: I'd feel better if we checked right now.

B
OB
: Really? It's less than fifty bucks. It can wait.

C
AROLE
: It's not the money that has me worried.

B
OB
: You're worried?

C
AROLE
: It's a motel down the street. You know that's how my sister found out that Phil was having an affair. She found a suspicious hotel bill. [
Shares story—tentatively
] I don't have anything to worry about, do I? What do you think is going on with this bill? [
Asks for other's path
]

B
OB
: I don't know, but you certainly don't have to worry about me.

C
AROLE
: I know that you've given me no reason to question your fidelity. I don't really believe that you're having an affair. [
Contrasting
] It's just that it might help put my mind
to rest if we were to check on this right now. Would that bother you? [
Encourages testing
]

B
OB
: Not at all. Let's give them a call and find out what's going on.

When this conversation actually did take place, it sounded exactly like the one portrayed above. The suspicious spouse avoided nasty accusations and ugly stories, shared facts, and then tentatively shared a possible conclusion. As it turns out, the couple had gone out to a Chinese restaurant earlier that month. The owner of the restaurant also owned the motel and used the same credit card imprinting machine at both establishments. Oops.

By tentatively sharing a story rather than attacking, name-calling, and threatening, the worried spouse averted a huge battle, and the couple's relationship was strengthened at a time when it could easily have been damaged.

Now let's turn our attention to another communication challenge. This time you're not offering delicate feedback or iffy stories; you're merely going to step into an argument and advocate your
point of view. It's the kind of thing you do all the time. You do it at home, you do it at work, and yes, you've even been known to fire off an opinion or two while standing in line for a voting booth.

Unfortunately, as stakes rise and others argue differing views—
and you just know in your heart of hearts that you're right and they're wrong
—you start pushing too hard. You simply have to win. There's too much at risk and only you have the right ideas. Left to their own devices, others will mess things up. So when you care a great deal and are sure of your views, you don't merely speak—you try to force your opinions into the pool of meaning. You know, drown people in the truth. Quite naturally, others resist. You in turn push even harder.

As consultants, we (the authors) watch this kind of thing happen all the time. For instance, seated around the table is a group of leaders who are starting to debate an important topic. First, someone hints that she's the only one with any real insight. Then someone else starts tossing out facts like so many poisonous darts. Another—it just so happens someone with critical information—retreats into silence. As emotions rise, words that were once carefully chosen and tentatively delivered are now spouted with an absolute certainty that is typically reserved for claims that are nailed to church doors or carved on stone tablets.

In the end, nobody is listening, everyone is committed to silence or violence, and the Pool of Shared Meaning remains parched and tainted. Nobody wins.

It starts with a story
. When we feel the need to push our ideas on others, it's generally because we believe we're right and everyone else is wrong. There's no need to expand the pool of meaning, because we
own
the pool. We also firmly believe it's our duty to fight for the truth that we're holding. It's the honorable thing to do. It's what people of character do.

Of course, others aren't exactly villains in this story. They simply don't know any better. We, on the other hand, are modern-day heroes crusading against naiveté and tunnel vision.

We feel justified in using dirty tricks
. Once we're convinced that it's our duty to fight for the truth, we start pulling out the big guns. We use debating tricks that we've picked up throughout the years. Chief among them is the ability to “stack the deck.” We cite information that supports our ideas while hiding or discrediting anything that doesn't. Then we spice things up with exaggeration: “Everyone knows that this is the only way to go.” When this doesn't work, we lace our language with inflammatory terms: “All right-thinking people would agree with me.”

From there we employ any number of dirty tricks. We appeal to authority: “Well, that's what the boss thinks.” We attack the person: “You're not so naive as to actually believe that?” We draw hasty generalizations: “If it happened in our overseas operation, it'll happen here for sure.” We attack a straw man: “Sure we can follow your plan—if we want to offend our top customers and lose the business.”

And again, the harder we try and the more forceful and nasty our tactics, the greater the resistance we create, the worse the results, and the more battered our relationships.

The solution to employing excessive advocacy is actually rather simple—if you can just bring yourself to do it. When you find yourself just dying to convince others that your way is best, back off your current attack and think about what you really want for yourself, others, and the relationship. Then ask yourself, “How would I behave if these were the results I really wanted?” When your adrenaline level gets below the 0.05 legal limit, you'll be able to use your STATE skills.

First,
Learn to
Look. Watch for the moment when people start to resist you—perhaps they begin to raise their volume and/or overstate the facts behind their views in reaction to your tactics—or perhaps they retreat into silence. Turn your attention away from the topic (no matter how important) and onto yourself. Are you leaning forward? Are you speaking more loudly? Are you starting to try to win? Are you speaking in lengthy monologues and using dirty tricks? Remember:
The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior
.

Second, tone down your approach. Open yourself up to the belief that others might have something to say, and better still, they might even hold a piece of the puzzle—and then ask them for their views.

Of course, this isn't easy. Backing off when we care the most is so counterintuitive that most of us have trouble doing so. It's not easy to soften your language when you're positive about something. And who wants to ask for other views when you know they're wrong? That's positively nuts.

In fact, it can feel disingenuous to be tentative when your own strong belief is being brought into question. Of course, when you watch
others
shift from healthy dialogue to forcing their way on others, it's obvious that if they don't back off, nobody will buy in. That's when you're watching
others
. On the other hand, when we ourselves are pushing hard, it's the correct thing to do. Right?

Let's face it. When it comes to our strongest views, passion can be our enemy. Of course, feeling strongly about something isn't bad in and of itself. It's okay to have strong opinions. The problem comes when we try to express them.

For instance, when we believe strongly in a concept or a cause, our emotions kick in and we start trying to force our way onto others. As our emotions kick in, our ideas no longer flow smoothly and gently into the pool. Instead, our thoughts shoot
out of our mouths like water out of a raging fire hydrant. And guess what? Others become defensive. When this happens, when our emotions turn our ideas into a harsh and painful stream of thoughts, our honest passion kills the argument rather than supports it.

Catch yourself
. So what's a person to do? Catch yourself before you launch into a monologue. Realize that if you're starting to feel indignant or if you can't figure out why others don't buy in—after all, it's so obvious to you—recognize that you're starting to enter dangerous territory.

Back off your harsh and conclusive language. But don't back off your belief. Hold to your belief; merely soften your approach.

When you have a tough message to share, or when you are so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path:

•
S
hare your facts
. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action.

•
T
ell your story
. Explain what you're beginning to conclude.

•
A
sk for others' paths
. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.

•
T
alk tentatively
. State your story as a story—don't disguise it as a fact.

•
E
ncourage testing
. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.

Over the past few months, your daughter Wendy has started to date a guy who looks like he's about ten minutes away from a felony arrest. After only a few weeks of dating this rather “interesting” fellow, Wendy's clothing preference is now far too suggestive for your taste, and she routinely punctuates her language with expletives. When you carefully try to talk to her about these recent changes, she shouts accusations and insults and then withdraws to her room where she sulks for hours on end.

Now what? Should you do something given that you're not the one going to silence or violence? When others do damage to the pool of meaning by clamming up (refusing to speak their minds) or blowing up (communicating in a way that is abusive and insulting), is there something you can do to get them back to dialogue?