Read Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High Online
Authors: Kerry Patterson,Joseph Grenny,Ron McMillan,Al Switzler
S
ISTER
: What makes you think you did so much more than
I did?
You're telling yourself that you deserve more because you did more to care for your mother and covered unplanned expenses.
Retrace your Path to Action to find out what facts are behind the story you're telling that's making you angry.
You need to share your facts and conclusions with your sister in a way that will make her feel safe telling her story.
Y
OU
: It's just that I spent a lot of money taking care of Mom and did a lot of work caring for her instead of bringing in a nurse. I know you cared about Mom too, but I honestly feel like I did more in the day-to-day caregiving than you did, and it only seems fair to use some of what she left us to repay a part of what I spent. Do you see it differently? I'd really like to hear.
S
ISTER
: Okay, fine. Why don't you just send me a bill.
It sounds as though your sister isn't really okay with this arrangement. You can tell her voice is tense and her tone is one of giving in, not of true agreement.
Since part of your objective is to maintain a good relationship with your sister, it's important that she add her meaning to the pool. Use the inquiry skills to actively explore her views.
Y
OU
: The way you say that makes it sound like maybe that suggestion isn't okay with you. [
Mirror
] Is there something I'm missing? [
Ask
]
S
ISTER
: Noâif you feel like you deserve more than I do, you're probably right.
Y
OU
: Do you think I'm being unfair? That I'm not acknowledging your contributions? [
Prime
]
S
ISTER
: It's just that I know I wasn't around much in the last couple of years. I've had to travel a lot for work. But I still visited whenever I could, and I sent money every month to help contribute to Mom's care. I offered to help pay to bring in a nurse if you thought it was necessary. I didn't know you felt you had an unfair share of the responsibility, and it seems like your asking for more money is coming out of nowhere.
Y
OU
: So you feel like you were doing everything you could to help out and are surprised that I feel like I should be compensated? [
Paraphrase
]
S
ISTER
: Well, yes.
You understand your sister's story now and still disagree to a point. Use the ABC skills to explain how your view differs. You agree in part with how your sister sees things. Use building to emphasize what you agree with and to bring up what you differ on.
Y
OU
: You're right. You did a lot to help out, and I realize that it was expensive to visit as often as you did. I opted not to pay for professional home health care because Mom was more comfortable with me taking care of her, and I didn't mind that. On top of that, there were some incidental expenses it doesn't sound like you were aware of. The new medication she was on during the last eighteen months was twice as expensive as the old, and the insurance only covered a percentage of her hospital stays. It adds up.
S
ISTER
: So it's these expenses you're worried about covering? Could we go over these expenses to decide how to cover them?
You want to create a definite plan for being reimbursed for these expenses, and you want it to be one you both agree on. Come to a consensus about what will happen, and document
who
does
what
by
when
, and settle on a way to
follow up
.
Y
OU
: I've kept a record of all the expenses that went over the amount that both of us agreed to contribute. Can we sit down tomorrow to go over those and talk about what's fair to reimburse me for?
S
ISTER
: Okay. We'll talk about the estate and write up a plan for how to divide things up.
My Crucial Conversation: Afton P.
During the summer of 2004, my husband secured a coveted internship in Geneva, Switzerland, working for the United Nations. While we were there, I befriended the Geneva representative for a nongovernmental organization (NGO) for women. She was gearing up for the upcoming Subcommission on the Promotion and Protection of Human Rights.
Believing in the importance of this committee's work, I became involved in their efforts to seek UN support to prevent human rights abuses to children. The focus was on child abduction and safety, and specifically, the oppression of religious expression, child soldiers, and young girls being sold into sex slavery. These abhorrent practices were being largely ignored by officials of some countries.
As the committee got to work planning the report we would present to the subcommission, I became concerned about what was and wasn't being shared. It was strongly suggested by the committee chair of our NGO that we avoid mentioning specific country names where the grievances were taking place. As a twenty-two-year-old student not steeped in politics, I asked, “Why not?” The committee said they had to take extreme caution not to offend certain
country officials who “looked the other way” regarding these abuses for fear of damaging relationships.
I was in a predicament; I wanted to promote real change, but I believed our report would hold little weight if we just talked in general terms, and I was afraid of losing a powerful opportunity in this forum. I immediately thought about the book
Crucial Conversations
and was kicking myself for not having brought it with meâwho knew I'd need it on my summer abroad in Switzerland! Thankfully, I remembered the basics, and I drew on its principles as I expressed my belief that it was possible to be both candid and respectful in presenting delicate information.
To my surprise, they invited me to rewrite the report. I was thrilled, but also terrified about the potential harm I could cause if I wasn't very careful in addressing people from many nations with diverse cultures. I spent almost every waking hour and several sleepless nights trying to carefully script an honest yet respectful portrayal of the issues by stating the facts and focusing on a mutual purposeâhuman rights for suffering children. The committee agreed my version was more forthright and showed appropriate sensitivity.
The surprises continued: ten days before the presentation, the committee asked me to present the report to the subcommittee! I was both shocked and honored. Although this brought my anxiety level to a new peak, I immediately agreed to do it, and I spent the next several days and sleepless nights preparing for the event.
When my turn finally came to deliver the report, I felt exhilarated and a little anxious. After I finished presenting, it appeared many in the audience were moved, and a few even had tears in their eyes. Others hurried over to ask me for a copy of my speech for networking and documenting purposes. As they approached, some were emotional and many thanked me for raising the sensitive issues.
I learned many lessons through this experience, but one that stands out is the importance of realizing it is possible to be both
candid and respectful with the right set of skills. Knowledge of Crucial Conversations skills helped me turn an intimidating experience into a memorable and meaningful opportunity to stand up for something I believed in.
âAfton P.
Let's end where we started. We began this book by suggesting we got dragged somewhat unwillingly into the topic of communication. What we were most interested in was
not
writing a book on communication. Rather, we wanted to identify
crucial moments
âmoments when people's actions disproportionately affect their organizations, their relationships, and their lives. Our research led us time and again to focus on moments when people need to step up to emotionally and politically risky conversations. That's why we came to call these moments
crucial conversations
. The current quality of your leadership and your life is fundamentally a function of how you are presently handling these moments.
Our sole motivation in writing this book has been to help you profoundly improve the results you care about most. And our dearest hope as we conclude it is that you will do so. Take action. Identify a crucial conversation you could improve
now
. Use the tools in this last chapter to identify the principle or skill that will help you approach it in a more effective way than you ever have. Then give it a try.
One thing our research shows clearly is that you need not be perfect to make progress. You needn't worry if you make only stuttering progress. We promise you that if you persist and work at these ideas, you will see dramatic improvement in your relationships and results. These moments are truly crucial, and a little bit of change can lead to an enormous amount of progress.
The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind.
âW
ILLIAM
J
AMES
In this chapter we (the authors) will step out of our collective voice and talk to you personally. Since
Crucial Conversations
was first published in 2002, we've traveled millions of miles around the world and addressed hundreds of thousands of people to share our research and advice on these vital skills. Needless to say, we've learned as much as anyone from interacting with the many people who have struggled in the same way we have struggled to turn these ideas into habitsâand attempted to use them to enrich their lives and strengthen their organizations. In this afterword we'll share a reflection or two about how our thinking has changed over the past decade through our conversations and experiences with readers like you and in our own life challenges as well.
I've said for years that Crucial Conversations skills are only applicable if you live or work with or near other people. That's a broad statement that applies equally to me. During these last ten years, I have had my share of challenges, a few failures, and a number of successesâand from all of these, I've learned a thing or two. I'm going to share a few incidents that happened and the lessons that I learned.
1. I have been to the airport hundreds of times. On one particular day, I went to the airport to pick up my wife. I had the perfect plan to pay nothing for parking, and if everything worked, I would be in and out of the parking lot in fewer than thirty minutes. I arrived according to plan; I met and hugged Linda; I got her luggage in my truck, and sped to the exit. I knew I was under thirty minutes. Then the parking attendant said, “Three dollars.” I asked to see my ticket and it read “29 minutes.” I noted again and again that it should be free. My wife was now discreetly elbowing me. I asked to talk to the manager, who said his computer was accurate and the ticket was wrong. I wasn't very nice. I paid the three dollars and left.
Lesson
: We teach that “when it matters most, we often do our worst.” I've learned that sometimes when it hardly matters at all, we can do our worst. There is no cruise control for the conversations, and we need to be alert all the time. I have practiced noticing my early warning signs, and I've learned that I can catch problems with myself early.
2. Over the years, I've found certain categories of crucial conversations to be especially tough for me. One of those is this: “How do I speak up when I think someone is consistently ungrateful?” I've ruminated and been irritated. I've avoided
the person. I've tried mastering my story with “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person act that way?” At first, I couldn't find a solution, so I remained bothered. I couldn't speak up. But I had it all wrong. I should have been asking myself, “What do I really want?” By asking that question, I found that I was helping to help, not to be thanked. The emotions went away.
Lesson
: We have to find and ask the right question to get the right solution.
3. A few years ago a lady came up after a keynote and asked me to sign her book. This was the most underlined, tabbed, and dog-eared book I had ever seen, and as I signed it, I commented that the book looked well used. She agreed that she had used it, and, at my prodding, she told me about bringing up issues with her brother-in-law, with her boss, and with other departments where she worked. This was great. I said, “You've shared so many great stories, I'm not sure what your position in the company isâHead of HR, COO?” She looked at me as though I didn't get it, and then she said nicely, “You don't get it. I work in IT. Position doesn't matter. Crucial conversations belong to the first person to see them. I don't solve the issues; I just make sure they are brought up in a safe way.”
Lesson
: There are a lot of people who are teaching me new lessons about crucial conversations.
I got miffed at my fifteen-year-old son a couple of weeks ago. Now, I need to tell you that Hyrum is one of the finest young men you could meet. He is as honest as the day is long. He is smart, kind, clever, and as industrious as they come. I love this boy.
And yet, I found myself seething at him. In the moment, I felt he was rude, cold, ungrateful, and manipulative. That was my
story
about him. That story generated a potent emotion that was threatening to cause me to say something hurtful to him. He wasn't behaving the way I wanted him to, and in the zeal of the moment, I felt an insane certainty that a well-aimed tirade might help him reform his life beginning this instant. In fact, I felt it was my moral duty as a loving parent to lay into him!