Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (32 page)

creating,
90
–96

CRIB skills for creating,
91
–96,
97
–98

for insubordination,
209

inventing,
93
–94,
95
,
98

looking for mutuality in,
78

nature of,
77
–78

recognizing purpose behind strategy,
92
–93,
95
,
98

for sensitive personal issues,
206

signs of risk,
77

skills for developing,
82
–96

in tough situations,
191
,
198
,
206
,
209

Mutual Respect,
79
–90

defending dignity and,
79
–80

insubordination,
204
–205,
208
–209

remaining in dialogue,
79
–80

respecting people you don't respect,
80
–82

skills for developing,
82
–90

Nagging,
7
–8

Opinions:

opinion leaders and,
20
–23

variations in crucial conversations,
1
,
2

Organization performance, crucial conversations in,
11
–14

Ouida,
51

Paraphrasing,
164
–165

Parker, Dorothy,
131

Path to Action,
110
–122

Exploring Others' Paths,
143
,
146
–147,
155
–175,
197
–198,
215
–216,
218
–219

retracing,
112
–122,
159
–161,
199

in sharing your facts,
137
–138

STATE My Path skills,
135
–147

stories and,
107
,
108
–109,
110
–122,
125
–126

(
See also
Listening)

Patience, in listening,
159

Peacemaking, as killer of dialogue,
39
–40

Perfection, from practice,
6

Persuasion,
131
–154

example of,
134
–135,
148
–149

maintaining safety in,
133
–135

sharing risky meaning,
132
–133

(
See also
STATE My Path skills)

Pool of Shared Meaning,
24
–28

in decision making,
178

growth of,
24
,
74
–75

in stories,
143

synergy and,
25
–28

Power listening,
166

Pressure, in crucial conversations,
5
–6

Priming,
165
–167,
213

Priorities, focusing on,
40
–44

Punishing, as killer of dialogue,
39

Questions:

in AMPP skills,
162
–163

common invitations,
163

in decision making,
182
–186,
216

in establishing safety,
134
,
215

inquiry skills and,
161
–162,
167

in Learning to Look,
214
,
217

in listening,
215
–216

in making assignments,
183
–186

in Starting with Heart,
43
,
78
,
214
,
217

in STATE My Path skills,
215

in stories,
126

Relationships:

building safety in,
73
–76,
96
–98

crucial conversations in improving,
14
–15

honesty versus friendship in crucial conversations,
22

sensitive personal issues,
192
–193,
206
–207,
229
–230

Respect (
see
Mutual Respect)

Rusk, Dean,
155

Safety,
57
–92

apologizing for violations,
84
,
97

building,
73
–99,
213
,
215
,
217

conditions of conversation,
52
–54,
55
–56,
61
–69,
76
–82

confidence and,
133

content of conversation,
52
–54,
55
,
61
–69,
74
–76

dual-processing and,
53
–54,
55
,
57
,
62

encouraging testing and,
146
–147

failed conversations and,
51
–53,
56
–57

going astray and,
57
–58

humility and,
133
–134

inviting opposing views,
146
–147

looking for problems with,
55
–61,
142

maintaining,
133
–135

Making It Safe,
73
–99,
213
,
215
,
217

Mutual Purpose and,
76
–78,
82
–96

Mutual Respect and,
79
–90

in putting it all together,
213
,
215
,
217

responding to violations,
82
–90

and sharing risky meaning,
132
–133

silence and,
57
–60

skills and questions in establishing,
134
,
215

stepping out of content of conversation,
74
–76,
82
–90

in tough situations,
192
,
196

violence and,
57
–58,
60
–61

(
See also
Learning to Look)

Salute and Stay Mute approach,
27

Sarcasm,
7
,
59
,
74
–75,
105
,
106
,
116
,
192
,
199
,
201

Self-defeating behaviors,
6
–8

Self-fulfilling prophecy,
136
–138

Self-monitoring:

problems with,
62
–63

Style Under Stress Test,
63
–69

vigilant,
63

Sellouts,
120
–122

Sensitive personal issues,
192
–193,
206
–207,
229
–230

Sexual harassment,
190
–191

Shakespeare, William,
109

Shared facts,
136
–140

Shared Meaning,
24
–28,
74
–75

Shaw, George Bernard,
1

Silence,
6
–7

avoiding,
59
,
165

defined,
58

dialogue and,
29
–30

failure with,
12
–14

Freeze Your Lover approach to,
27

killing with,
11
,
13
,
25

masking,
59

in Path to Action,
161

personal Style Under Stress,
61
–69

“professional,”
106

safety and,
57
–60

Salute and Stay Mute approach to,
27

in Style Under Stress Test,
63
–69

withdrawing,
59
–60

Sincerity, in listening,
157

Social sensitivity,
62
–63

Spontaneity, of crucial conversations,
5
–6

Stacking the deck,
13
,
151

Stakes, for crucial conversations,
1
,
2

Starting with Heart,
33
–49

avoiding Fool's Choice in,
36
,
44
–47

body language in,
38
,
40
,
44
,
54

in building safety,
75
,
91
–92

examples of,
29
–30,
217

finding bearings in,
43

focus on what you really want,
40
–44,
46

keeping the peace as dialogue killer,
39
–40

listening in,
157
–159

in persuasion,
136

punishing as dialogue killer,
39

refocusing brain in,
42
–43,
44
,
45
–47

skills and questions in,
43
,
78
,
214
,
217

winning as dialogue killer,
38
–39

working on me first, us second,
34
–36,
197
–198

STATE My Path skills,
135
–147,
172

share your facts,
136
–140

tell your story,
140
–143

ask for others' paths,
143

in decision making,
187

talking tentatively,
143
–146

encouraging testing,
146
–147

examples of,
133
,
134
–137,
139
–140,
148
–149,
218

excessive advocacy in,
150
–153

failed trust and,
196

with insubordination,
209

repressing stories,
205
–206

in sensitive situations,
192

skills and questions in,
215

strong belief and,
149
–153

in tough situations,
191
,
192
,
196
,
201
–202,
207
,
209

with word games,
207

(
See also
Listening; Path to Action)

Stories,
103
–130

analyzing,
112
,
114
–115

in creating feelings,
108
–109,
112
,
113
–114

about emotions,
103
–104

encouraging others to retrace path,
159
–161

evidence for,
112

examples of,
105
–108,
109
–111,
115
–116,
125
–127

facts versus,
115

Goldilocks test for,
145
–146

Helpless Story,
119
,
136

Master My Stories skills,
122
–125,
215
,
217
–218

paraphrasing to acknowledge,
164
–165

Path to Action and,
107
,
108
–109,
110
–122,
125
–126

as rationale for what's going on,
109
–111

reasons for telling,
119
–122

repressing,
205
–206

retracing your path,
112
–122,
199

skills and questions in,
126

speed of development,
110
–111

starting with,
150
–151

taking control of,
111
–122

telling, in State My Path skills,
140
–143

useful,
122
–127

Victim Story,
117
,
118
–119,
121
,
123
,
136

Villain Story,
118
–119,
121
,
124
–125,
136
,
141
–142,
190
–191

Straw man,
151

Stress:

personal style under,
61
–63

Style Under Stress Test,
63
–69

Style Under Stress Test,
63
–69

Sugarcoating,
59

Suggestions,
171

Surprises, avoiding,
208

Switzler, Al,
40

Synergy,
25
–28

Tentative approach,
143
–147

encouraging testing in,
146
–147

Goldilocks test and,
145
–146

wimpy approach versus,
144
–145

Testing ideas,
146
–147

Testing others' views,
146
–147

Threatening,
61

Tone of voice, mirroring,
163
–164

Trust, failure of,
196

Vague complaints,
198
–199

Verbal attacks,
27

Victim Story:

double standard and,
118
–119

Helpless Story versus,
119

nature of,
117

sellouts in,
121

Start with Heart and,
136

turning victims into actors,
123

Villain Story:

double standard and,
118
–119

harassment and,
190
–191

Helpless Story versus,
119

nature of,
118
–119

piling on information in,
141
–142

sellouts in,
121

Start with Heart and,
136

turning villains into humans,
124
–125

Violence,
27
,
201

attacking,
61

avoiding,
165

controlling,
60

labeling,
60
–61

nature of,
60

in Path to Action,
161

personal Style Under Stress,
61
–69

safety and,
57
–58,
60
–61

in Style Under Stress Test,
63
–69

Violent agreement,
170
–171

Virtual work teams,
13

Voting decisions,
182