Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (27 page)

However, when actions are both subtle
and
unacceptable, then you have to retrace your Path to Action and put your finger on exactly what others are doing or you have nothing to discuss. Abstract descriptions peppered with your vague conclusions or stories have no place in crucial conversations. For example, whenever your family gets together, your brother constantly takes potshots at everyone else using sarcastic humor. The individual comments aren't directly insulting enough to discuss. What you want to talk about is the fact that these constant comments make every get-together feel negative. Remember, clarifying the facts is the homework required for crucial conversations.

Retrace your Path to Action to its source. Identify specific behaviors that are out of bounds and take note. When you've done your homework, consider the behaviors you noted and make sure the story you're telling yourself about these behaviors is important enough for dialogue. If it is, then Make It Safe and STATE Your Path.

SOME MEMBERS OF MY WORK TEAM do what they're asked, but no more. If they run into a problem, they take one simple stab at fixing it. But if their efforts don't pay off, they quit.”

Most people are far more likely to talk about the presence of a bad behavior than the absence of a good one. When someone really messes up, leaders and parents alike are compelled to take action. However, when people simply fail to be excellent, it's hard to know what to say.

Establish new and higher expectations. Don't deal with a specific instance; deal with the overall pattern. If you want someone to show more initiative, tell him or her. Give specific examples of when the person ran into a barrier and then backed off after a single try. Raise the bar and then make it crystal clear what you've done. Jointly brainstorm what the person could have done to be both more persistent and more creative in coming up with a solution.

For instance, “I asked you to finish up a task that absolutely had to be completed before I returned from a trip. You ran into a problem, tried to get in touch with me, and then simply left a message with my four-year-old. What could you have done to track me down on the road?” or “What would it have taken to create a backup strategy?”

Pay attention to ways you are compensating for someone's lack of initiative. Have you made yourself responsible for following up? If so, talk with that person about assuming this responsibility. Have you asked more than one person to take the same assignment so you can be sure it will get done? If so, talk to the person originally assigned about reporting progress to you early so you only need to put someone else on the job when there's a clear need for more resources.

Stop
acting out
your expectations that others won't take initiative. Instead, talk your expectations out and come to agreements that place the responsibility on the team members while giving you information early enough that you aren't left high and dry.

IT ISN'T A SINGLE PROBLEM. It's that I keep having to talk with people about the same problem. I feel like I have to choose between being a nag and putting up with the problem. Now what?”

Some crucial conversations go poorly because you're having the wrong conversations. You talk to someone who is late for a meeting for the second time. Then the third. Your blood begins to boil. Then you bite your lip and give another gentle reminder. Finally, after your resentment builds up (because you're telling yourself an ugly story), you become violent. You make a sarcastic or cutting comment and then end up looking stupid because the reaction seems way out of line given the minor offense.

If you continue to return to the original problem (coming in late) without talking about the new problem (failing to live up to commitments), you're stuck in “Groundhog Day.” We talk about this problem using the
Groundhog Day
movie metaphor. If you return to the same initial problem, you're like Bill Murray in the movie—you're forced to relive the same situation over and over rather than deal with the bigger problem. Nothing ever gets resolved.

Learn to Look for patterns. Don't focus exclusively on a single event. Watch for behavior over time. Then STATE Your Path by talking about the pattern. For example, if a person is late for meetings and agrees to do better, the next conversation should not be about tardiness. It should be about his or her failure to keep a commitment. This is a bigger issue. It's now about trust and respect.

People often become far more emotional than the issue they're discussing warrants because they're talking about the wrong issue. If you're really bothered because of a pattern, but you're talking about this latest instance, your emotions will seem out of proportion. In contrast, an interesting thing happens when you hold the
right
conversation. Your emotions calm down. When you talk about what's really eating you—the pattern—you'll be able to be more composed and effective.

Don't get pulled into any one instance or your concern will seem trivial. Talk about the overall pattern.

I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT I should never go to bed angry. Is that always a good idea?”

Once you've become angry, it's not always easy to calm down. You've told yourself an ugly story, your body has responded by preparing for a fight, and now you're trying your best not to duke it out—only your body hasn't caught up with your brain. So what do you do? Do you try to stay in dialogue even though your intuition tells you to back off and buy some time? After all, Mom said, “Never go to bed angry.”

Okay, so your mom wasn't exactly right. She was right by suggesting that you shouldn't let serious problems go unresolved. She was wrong about always sticking with a discussion, no matter your emotional state. It's perfectly okay to suggest that you need some time alone and that you'd like to pick up the discussion later on—say, tomorrow. Then, after you've dissipated the adrenaline and have had time to think about the issues, hold the conversation. Coming to mutual agreement to take a time-out is not the same thing as going to silence. In fact, it's a very healthy example of dialogue.

As a side note on this topic, it's not such a good idea to tell others that they need to calm down or that they need to take some time out. They may need the time, but it's hard to suggest it without coming off as patronizing. “Take ten minutes, calm
down, and then get back to me.” With others, get back to the source of their anger. Retrace their Path to Action.

MY TEENAGE SON is a master of excuses. I talk to him about a problem, and he's always got a new reason why it's not his fault.”

It's easy to be lulled into a series of never-ending excuses—particularly if the other person doesn't want to do what you've asked and learns that as long as he or she can give you a plausible reason, all bets are off.

“I go to work before my son leaves for school, and he's constantly late. First he told me that he was late because his alarm broke. The next day the old car we bought him had a problem—or so he says. Then his friend forgot to pick him up. Then he had a head cold and couldn't hear his new alarm. Then . . .”

With “imaginative” people, take a preemptive strike against all new excuses. Gain a commitment to solve the overall problem, not simply the stated cause. For instance, the first time the person is late, seek a commitment to fix the alarm—
and anything else that might stand in the way
. Repairing the alarm only deals with one potential cause. Ask the person to deal with the problem—being late.

“So you think that if you get a new alarm, you'll be able to make it to school on time? That's fine with me. Do whatever it takes to get there on time. Can I count on you being there tomorrow at eight o'clock sharp?”

Then remember, as the excuses accumulate, don't talk about the most recent excuse; talk about the pattern.

WHAT IF THE PEOPLE you talk to not only are angry, but also become insubordinate? How do you handle that?”

When you're discussing a tough issue with employees (or even your kids), there's always the chance they'll step over the line. They'll move from a friendly dispute to a heated discussion and then into the nasty territory of being insubordinate or acting disrespectful.

The trouble is, insubordination is so rare that it takes most leaders by surprise. So they buy time to figure out what to do. And in so doing, they let the person get away with something that was way out of line. Worse still, their perceived indifference makes them an accomplice to all future abuses. Parents, on the other hand, caught by surprise, tend to respond in kind, becoming angry and insulting.

Show zero tolerance for insubordination. Speak up immediately, but respectfully. Change topics from the issue at hand to how the person is currently acting. Catch the escalating disrespect before it turns into abuse and insubordination. Let the person know that his or her passion for the issue at hand is leading down a dangerous trail. “I'd like to step away from this scheduling issue for a moment—then we'll come right back to it. The way you're
leaning in toward me and raising your voice seems disrespectful. I want to help address your concerns, but I'm going to have a tough time doing so if this continues.”

If you can't catch it early, discuss the insubordination and seek help from HR specialists.

SOMETIMES I LET A PROBLEM go for a long time, and then when I bring it up, I say something just awful. How do I recover from this?”

When other people do things that bother us, and then we tell ourselves a story about how they're bad and wrong, we're setting ourselves up for an unhealthy conversation. Of course, when we tell ourselves an ugly story and then sit on it, it only gets worse. Stories left unattended don't get better with time—they ferment. Then, when we eventually can't take it anymore, we say something we regret.

First, don't repress your story. Use your STATE skills early on, before the story turns too ugly. Second, if you have let the problem build, don't hold the crucial conversation while angry. Set aside a time when you can discuss it in a calm fashion. Then, using your STATE skills, explain what you've seen and heard, and tentatively tell the most simple and least offensive story. “The way you just told me that our neighbor thinks I'm a real idiot has me worried. You smiled and laughed when you said it. I'm beginning to wonder if you take pleasure in running to me with negative feedback. Is that what's going on?”

If you do say something horrible—“You're cruel, you know that? You love to hurt me and I'm sick of it”—apologize. You can't unring the bell, but you can apologize. Then STATE Your Path.

WHAT IF SOMEONE has a hygiene problem? Or maybe someone's boring and people avoid him or her. How could you ever talk about something personal and sensitive like that?”

Most people avoid sensitive issues like the plague. Who can blame them? Unfortunately, when fear and misapplied compassion rule over honesty and courage, people can go for years without being given information that could be extremely helpful.

When people do speak up, they often leap from silence to violence. Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful. Also, the longer you go without saying anything, the greater the pain when you finally deliver the message.

Use Contrasting. Explain that you don't want to hurt the person's feelings, but you do want to share something that could be helpful. Establish Mutual Purpose. Let the other person know your intentions are honorable. Also explain that you're reluctant to bring up the issue because of its personal nature, but since the problem is interfering with the person's effectiveness, you really must. Tentatively describe the problem. Don't play it up or pile it on. Describe the specific behaviors and then move to solutions.
Although these discussions are never easy, they certainly don't have to be offensive or insulting.

MY CHILDREN are constantly playing word games. If I try to tell them that they shouldn't have done something, they say I never told them exactly that. They're starting to get on my nerves.”

Sometimes parents (and leaders) are tricked into accepting poor performance by silver-tongued individuals who are infinitely creative in coming up with new ways to explain why they didn't know any better. Not only do these inventive people have the ability to conjure up creative excuses, but they also have the energy and will to do so incessantly. Eventually they wear you down. As a result, they get away with doing less or doing it poorly, while hard-working, energetic family members (or employees) end up carrying an unfair share of the load.