Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (20 page)

F
ERNANDO
: What's your point?

B
RIAN
: I'm not sure that you're intending to send this message, but I'm beginning to wonder if you don't trust me. Maybe you think I'm not up to the job or that I'll get you into trouble. Is that what's going on? [
The
possible
story
]

F
ERNANDO
: Really, I was merely trying to give you a chance to get my input before you got too far down the path on a project. The last guy I worked with was constantly taking his project to near completion only to learn that he'd left out a key element. I'm trying to avoid surprises.

Earn the right to share your story by starting with your facts. Facts lay the groundwork for all delicate conversations.

Sharing your story can be tricky. Even if you've started with your facts, the other person can still become defensive when you move from facts to stories. After all, you're sharing potentially unflattering conclusions and judgments.

Why share your story in the first place? Because the facts alone are rarely worth mentioning. It's the facts plus the conclusion that call for a face-to-face discussion. In addition, if you simply mention the facts, the other person may not understand the severity of the implications. For example:

“I noticed that you had company software in your briefcase.”

“Yep, that's the beauty of software. It's portable.”

“That particular software is proprietary.”

“It ought to be! Our future depends on it.”

“My understanding is that it's not supposed to go home.”

“Of course not. That's how people steal it.”

(
Sounds like it's time for a conclusion
.) “I was wondering what the software is doing in your briefcase. It looks like you're taking it home. Is that what's going on here?”

It takes confidence
. To be honest, it can be difficult to share negative conclusions and unattractive judgments (e.g., “I'm wondering if you're a thief”). It takes confidence to share such a potentially inflammatory story. However, if you've done your homework by thinking through the facts behind your story, you'll realize that you
are
drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent conclusion. One that deserves hearing. And by starting with the facts, you've laid the groundwork. By thinking through the facts and then leading with them, you're much more likely to have the confidence you need to add controversial and vitally important meaning to the shared pool.

Don't pile it on
. Sometimes we lack the confidence to speak up, so we let problems simmer for a long time. Given the chance, we generate a whole arsenal of unflattering conclusions. For example, you're about to hold a crucial conversation with your child's second-grade teacher. The teacher wants to hold your daughter back a year. You want your daughter to advance right along with her age group. This is what's going on in your head:

“I can't believe this! This teacher is straight out of college, and she wants to hold Debbie back. To be perfectly frank, I don't think she gives much weight to the stigma of being held back. Worse still, she's quoting the recommendation of the school psychologist. The guy's a real idiot. I've met him, and I wouldn't trust him with a common cold. I'm not going to let these two morons push me around.”

Which of these insulting conclusions or judgments should you share? Certainly not the entire menagerie of unflattering tales. In fact, you're going to need to work on this Villain Story before you have any hope of healthy dialogue. As you do, your story begins to sound more like this (note the careful choice of terms—after all, it is your story, not the facts):

“When I first heard your recommendation, my initial reaction was to oppose your decision. But after thinking about it, I've realized I could be wrong. I realized I don't really have any experience about what's best for Debbie in this situation—only fears about the stigma of being held back. I know it's a complex issue. I'd like to talk about how both of us can more objectively weigh this decision.”

Look for safety problems
. As you share your story, watch for signs that safety is deteriorating. If people start becoming defensive or appear to be insulted, step out of the conversation and rebuild safety by Contrasting.

Use Contrasting
. Here's how it works:

“I know you care a great deal about my daughter, and I'm confident you're well-trained. That's not my concern at all. I know you want to do what's best for Debbie, and I do too. My only issue is that this is an ambiguous decision with huge implications for the rest of her life.”

Be careful not to apologize for your views. Remember, the goal of Contrasting is not to water down your message, but to be sure that people don't hear more than you intend. Be confident enough to share what you really want to express.

We mentioned that the key to sharing sensitive ideas is a blend of confidence and humility. We express our confidence by sharing our facts and stories clearly. We demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their views—and meaning it.

So once you've shared your point of view—facts and stories alike—invite others to do the same. If your goal is to keep expanding the pool of meaning rather than to be right, to make the best decision rather than to get your way, then you'll willingly listen to other views. By being open to learning we are demonstrating humility at its best.

For example, ask yourself: “What does the schoolteacher think?” “Is my boss really intending to micromanage me?” “Is my spouse really having an affair?”

To find out others' views on the matter, encourage them to express their facts, stories, and feelings. Then carefully listen to what they have to say. Equally important, be willing to abandon or reshape your story as more information pours into the Pool of Shared Meaning.

If you look back at the vignettes we've shared so far, you'll note that we were careful to describe both facts and stories in a tentative, or nondogmatic, way. For example, “I was wondering why . . .”

Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a hard fact. “Perhaps you were
unaware . . .” suggests that you're not absolutely certain. “In my opinion . . .” says you're sharing an opinion and no more.

When sharing a story, strike a blend between confidence and humility. Share in a way that expresses appropriate confidence in your conclusions while demonstrating that, if called for, you want your conclusions challenged. To do so, change “The fact is” to “In my opinion.” Swap “Everyone knows that” for “I've talked to three of our suppliers who think that.” Soften “It's clear to me” to “I'm beginning to wonder if.”

Why soften the message? Because we're trying to add meaning to the pool, not force it down other people's throats. If we're too forceful, the information won't make it into the pool. One of the ironies of dialogue is that, when talking with those holding opposing opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become. Speaking in absolute and overstated terms does not increase your influence, it decreases it. The converse is also true—the more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions.

Now, this raises an interesting question. Individuals have asked us if being tentative is akin to being manipulative. You're “pretending” to be uncertain about your opinion in order to help others consider it less defensively.

Our answer to this is an unequivocal
no
. If you are faking tentativeness, you are not in dialogue. The reason we should speak tentatively is because we, indeed, are not certain that our opinions represent absolute truth or our understanding of the facts is complete and perfect. You should never pretend to be less confident than you are. But likewise, you should not pretend to be more confident than your limited capacity allows. Our observations could be faulty. Our stories—well, they're only educated guesses.

Tentative, not wimpy
. Some people are so worried about being too forceful or pushy that they err in the other direction.
They wimp out by making still another Fool's Choice. They figure that the only safe way to share touchy data is to act as if it's not important.

“I know this is probably not true . . .” or “Call me crazy but . . .”

When you begin with a complete disclaimer and do it in a tone that suggests you're consumed with doubt, you do the message a disservice. It's one thing to be humble and open. It's quite another to be clinically uncertain. Use language that says you're sharing an opinion, not language that says you're a nervous wreck.

To get a feel for how to best share your story, making sure that you're neither too hard nor too soft, consider the following examples:

Too soft
: “This is probably stupid, but . . .”

Too hard
: “How come you ripped us off?”

Just right
: “It's starting to look like you're taking this home for your own use. Is that right?”

Too soft
: “I'm ashamed to even mention this, but . . .”

Too hard
: “Just when did you start using hard drugs?”

Just right
: “It's leading me to conclude that you're starting to use drugs. Do you have another explanation that I'm missing here?”

Too soft
: “It's probably my fault, but . . .”

Too hard
: “You wouldn't trust your own mother to make a one-minute egg!”

Just right
: “I'm starting to feel like you don't trust me. Is that what's going on here? If so, I'd like to know what I did to lose your trust.”

Too soft
: “Maybe I'm just oversexed or something, but . . .”

Too hard
: “If you don't find a way to pick up the frequency, I'm walking.”

Just right
: “I don't think you're intending this, but I'm beginning to feel rejected.”

When you ask others to share their paths, how you phrase your invitation makes a big difference. Not only should you invite others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear that no matter how controversial their ideas might be, you want to hear them. Others need to feel safe sharing their observations and stories—particularly if they differ from yours. Otherwise, they don't speak up and you can't test the accuracy and relevance of your views.

Safety becomes particularly important when you're having a crucial conversation with people who might move to silence. Some people make Fool's Choices in these circumstances. They worry that if they share their true opinions, others will clam up. So they choose between speaking their minds and hearing others out. But the
best
at dialogue don't choose. They do both. They understand that the only limit to how strongly you can express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous in encouraging others to challenge it.

Invite opposing views
. So if you think others may be hesitant, make it clear that you want to hear their views—no matter how different. If others disagree, so much the better. If what they have to say is controversial or even touchy, respect them for finding the courage to express what they're thinking. If they have different
facts or stories, you need to hear them to help complete the picture. Make sure they have the opportunity to share by actively inviting them to do so: “Does anyone see it differently?” “What am I missing here?” “I'd really like to hear the other side of this story.”

Mean it
. Sometimes people offer an invitation that sounds more like a threat than a legitimate call for opinions. “Well, that's how I see it. Nobody disagrees, do they?” Don't turn an invitation into a veiled threat. Invite people with both words and tone that say, “I really want to hear from you.” For instance: “I know people have been reluctant to speak up about this, but I would really love to hear from everyone.” Or: “I know there are at least two sides to this story. Could we hear differing views now? What problems could this decision cause us?”

Play devil's advocate
. Occasionally you can tell that others are not buying into your facts or story, but they're not speaking up either. You've sincerely invited them, even encouraged differing views, but nobody says anything. To help grease the skids, play devil's advocate. Model disagreeing by disagreeing with your own view. “Maybe I'm wrong here. What if the opposite is true? What if the reason sales have dropped is because . . .”

Do it until your motive becomes obvious
. At times—particularly if you are in a position of authority—even being appropriately tentative doesn't prevent others from suspecting you want them to simply agree with you or that you're inviting them into a beating. This is particularly true when former bosses or authority figures have gently invited them to speak and then punished them for doing so.

This is where the skill of
encouraging testing
comes into play. You can argue as vigorously as you want for your point of view, provided you are even more vigorous at encouraging—even pleading with—others to disprove it. The real test of whether your motive is to win a debate or engage in real dialogue is the degree to which you encourage testing.

To see how all of the STATE skills fit together in a touchy conversation, let's return to the motel bill. Only this time, Carole does a far better job of bringing up a delicate issue.