Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (18 page)

• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

This question jars you into facing up to the fact that maybe, just maybe, you did something to help cause the problem. Instead of being a victim, you were an actor. This doesn't necessarily mean you had malicious motives. Perhaps your contribution was merely a thoughtless omission. Nonetheless, you contributed.

For example, a coworker constantly leaves the harder or noxious tasks for you to complete. You've frequently complained to friends and loved ones about being exploited. The parts you leave out of the story are that you smile broadly when your boss compliments you for your willingness to take on challenging jobs, and you've never said anything to your coworker. You've hinted, but that's about it.

The first step in telling the rest of this story would be to add these important facts to your account. By asking what role you've played, you begin to realize how selective your perception has been. You become aware of how you've minimized your own mistakes while you've exaggerated the role of others.

Turn villains into humans
. When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask:

• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?

This particular question humanizes others. As we search for plausible answers to it, our emotions soften. Empathy often replaces judgment, and depending upon how
we've
treated
others
, personal accountability replaces self-justification.

For instance, that coworker who seems to conveniently miss out on the tough jobs told you recently that she could see you were struggling with an important assignment, and yesterday (while you were tied up on a pressing task) she pitched in and completed the job for you. You were instantly suspicious. She was trying to make you look bad by completing a high-profile job. How dare she pretend to be helpful when her real goal was to discredit you while tooting her own horn! Well, that's the story you've told yourself.

But what if she really were a reasonable, rational, and decent person? What if she had no motive other than to give you a hand? Isn't it a bit early to be vilifying her? And if you do, don't you run the risk of ruining a relationship? Might you go off half-cocked, accuse her, and then learn you were wrong?

Our purpose for asking why a reasonable, rational, and decent person might be acting a certain way is
not
to excuse others for any bad things they may be doing. If they are, indeed, guilty, we'll have time to deal with that later. The purpose of the humanizing question is to deal with our own stories and emotions. It provides us with still another tool for working on ourselves first by providing a variety of possible reasons for the other person's behavior.

In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others' intent and more about the
effect
others' actions are having on us. No longer are we in the game of rooting out unhealthy motives. And here's the good news. When we reflect on alternative
motives, not only do we soften our emotions, but equally important, we relax our absolute certainty long enough to allow for dialogue— the only reliable way of discovering others' genuine motives.

Turn the helpless into the able
. Finally, when you catch yourself bemoaning your own helplessness, you can tell the complete story by returning to your original motive. To do so, stop and ask:

• What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?

Then, kill the Fool's Choice that's made you feel helpless to choose anything other than silence or violence. Do this by asking:

• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

For example, you now find yourself insulting your coworker for not pitching in with a tough job. Your coworker seems surprised at your strong and “out of the blue” reaction. In fact, she's staring at you as if you've slipped a cog. You, of course, have told yourself that she is purposefully avoiding noxious tasks and that, despite your helpful hints, she has made no changes.

“I have to get brutal,” you tell yourself. “I don't like it, but if I don't offend her, I'll be stuck You've strayed from what you really want—to share work equally
and
to have a good relationship. You've given up on half of your goals by making a Fool's Choice. “Oh well, better to offend her than to be made a fool.”

What should you be doing instead? Openly, honestly, and effectively discussing the problem—not taking potshots and then justifying yourself. When you refuse to make yourself helpless, you're forced to hold yourself accountable for using your dialogue skills rather than bemoaning your weakness.

To see how this all fits together, let's circle back to Maria. Let's assume she's retraced her Path to Action and separated the facts
from the stories. Doing this has helped her realize that the story she told was incomplete, defensive, and hurtful. When she watched for the three clever stories, she saw them with painful clarity. Now she's ready to tell the rest of the story. So she asks herself:

• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

“When I found out that Louis was holding project meetings without me, I felt like I should ask him about why I wasn't included. I believed that if I did, I could open a dialogue that would help us work better together. But then I didn't, and as my resentment grew, I was even less interested in broaching the subject.”

• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what Louis is doing?

“He really cares about producing good-quality work. Maybe he doesn't realize that I'm as committed to the success of the project as he is.”

• What do I really want?

“I want a respectful relationship with Louis. And I want recognition for the work I do.”

• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

“I'd make an appointment to sit down with Louis and talk about how we work together.”

As we tell the rest of the story, we free ourselves from the poisoning effects of unhealthy emotions. Best of all, as we regain control and move back to dialogue, we become masters of our own emotions rather than hostages.

And what about Maria? What did she actually do? She scheduled a meeting with Louis. As she prepared for the meeting, she
refused to feed her ugly and incomplete stories, admitted her own role in the problem, and entered the conversation with an open mind. Perhaps Louis wasn't trying to make her appear bad or fill in for her incompetence.

As Maria sat down with Louis, she found a way to tentatively share what she had observed. (We'll look at exactly how to do this in the next chapter.) Fortunately, not only did Maria master her story, but she knew how to talk about it as well. While engaging in healthy dialogue, Louis apologized for not including her in meetings with the boss. He explained that he was trying to give the boss a heads-up on some controversial parts of the presentation—and realized in retrospect that he shouldn't have done this without her. He also apologized for dominating during the presentation. Maria learned from the conversation that Louis tends to talk more when he gets nervous. He suggested that they each be responsible for either the first or second half of the presentation and stick to their assignments so he would be less likely to crowd her out. The discussion ended with both of them understanding the other's perspective and Louis promising to be more sensitive in the future.

If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try this.

Notice your behavior
. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you're really doing.

• Am I in some form of silence or violence?

Get in touch with your feelings
. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story.

• What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?

Analyze your stories
. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story.

• What story is creating these emotions?

Get back to the facts
. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story.

• What evidence do I have to support this story?

Watch for clever stories
. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories sit at the top of the list.

Ask:

• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?

• What do I really want?

• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

So far we've gone to great pains to prepare ourselves to step up to and master crucial conversations. Here's what we've learned. Our hearts need to be in the right place. We need to pay close attention to crucial conversations—particularly when people start feeling unsafe—and restore safety when necessary. And heaven forbid that we should tell ourselves clever and unhelpful stories.

So let's say that we are well prepared. We're ready to open our mouths and start sharing our point of view. That's right, we're actually going to express our opinion. Now what?

Most of the time, we walk into a discussion and slide into autopilot. “Hi, how are the kids? What's going on at work?” What could be easier than talking? We know thousands of words and generally weave them into sentences that suit our needs. Most of the time.

However, when stakes rise and our emotions kick in, well, that's when we open our mouths and don't do so well. In fact, as we suggested earlier, the more important the discussion, the less likely we are to be on our best behavior. More specifically, we advocate or express our views quite poorly.

To help us improve our advocacy skills, we'll examine two challenging situations. First, we'll look at five skills for talking when what we have to say could easily make others defensive. Second, we'll explore how these same skills help us state our opinions when we believe so strongly in something that we risk shutting others down rather than opening them up to our ideas.

Adding information to the pool of meaning can be quite difficult when the ideas we're about to pour into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.

“I'm sorry, Marta, but people simply don't like working with you. You've been asked to leave the special-projects team.”