“For anyone who doesn’t know, I didn’t exactly grow up privileged. In fact, I grew up on the streets and in shelters mostly. Between a father who didn’t stick around long enough to meet me and a mother who wasn’t mentally stable enough to hold a job, we fought to survive on a daily basis. There were days we went without food, without warmth, and on most occasions, without medicine when we were sick.” I swallowed, inhaling deeply to slow down my racing heart as I took in the audience’s shocked faces.
“That was the reality of being homeless. And as a child, I couldn’t understand why I was being allowed to live like that. My mother, Elizabeth, moved us frequently, just often enough so she wouldn’t go to jail for child neglect. Had she been caught, I would’ve been thrown into a foster home that may or may not have been a better solution for me. There are too many children and not enough foster homes. There are too many families and not enough resources.” I sucked in a breath, pushing back the emotions that were threatening to spill out.
“There’s a stigma that homeless people are addicts or got themselves into that position by being lazy, but the statistics show homelessness is on the rise since the great depression due to unaffordable housing, job loss, and mental disorders.” I immediately thought of my mother, knowing she fit into some of those stereotypes. I used that passion, that determination to do better—be better—to continue going.
“With the help of your support tonight, we can get families stabilized in shelters, move them into permanent housing, and implement assistant programs to keep them in their housing. Not only can we reduce the numbers of homeless in our city, but eventually eliminate it completely.” I smiled, proud that I was supporting a cause that truly benefited the city and everyone involved.
“The Coalition also approaches reducing homeless by their prevention solutions. It’s easy to get involved and help us feed and shelter the sixty thousand people who will sleep in shelters tonight. And astonishing as it is, half of that number are families with children. Also, with your help and support, we can get these families back into their own homes and supporting themselves with the programs established by the Coalition. Food, shelter, and support are what these families need and we need your help in order to continue doing so.” I finished, relieved and anxious that I had been able to get all the words out.
Helena joined me again on stage and asked, “I believe I speak on behalf of the Coalition and everyone here tonight, thank you for sharing your personal experience with us, Mackenzie. I’ve worked with many children and families, and I know it’s not easy reliving something like that. Is there anything else you’d like to add?”
I looked out into the crowd and saw Alex again. He winked, a smirk playing on his lips as confidence radiated off him.
“Thank you so much, Helena. Yes, I would actually.” I wanted to do this. Even if all those people out there judged me for it, I needed to do it. “As I’ve mentioned earlier, I basically grew up homeless. We traveled city to city, just trying to
survive
. It wasn’t easy. I was taught how to steal. Not only that, but I was damned good at it. I’d steal money, food, clothes. I’d sit out on the streets and panhandle money…some weeks, we made over five hundred dollars. Those were the weeks I’d be so excited. I thought, ‘this was it! We can afford to find a place to live!’ But my mother soon ripped those dreams from me when she’d tell me we were moving to a different city again. On nights when it was really cold, she’d find a cheap hotel, and I’d finally take a hot shower and sleep in a warm bed. Those were nights I wished never ended. Nights I wished I’d never wake up because my reality became too hard to bear. I didn’t stay in school long enough or consistently, and I couldn’t graduate from high school like all the other kids my age did. Not only did I lack basic nutrition and constitutional rights, I didn’t see a dentist until I was twenty years old, and I didn’t have my first physical until I was eighteen when I found a free clinic.” I inhaled; knowing what I was about to say next was something I never talked about. Not even to William. My heart pounded in my chest, nerves building up inside me as I continued.
“One night, my mother decided to rob a convenience store. We were hungry and thirsty and had no idea how long it’d been since our last meal. We were traveling again with no destination in sight. My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder years earlier—from a psychiatrist a shelter on the east coast was able to provide for her—and was off her medication again. I begged her not to do it, knowing there was always a risk, but I didn’t have much fight left in me.” I closed my eyes for a moment, pushing back the tears.
“She managed to grab some drinks and chips before running out. She threw them at me and said she was going back in. I begged her not to. I said she could have it all if she were that hungry. The fire in her eyes told me nothing would convince her. She quickly ran back in and this time the clerk was prepared. He pulled a gun on her, but since she wouldn’t leave like he demanded, he shot her. I remember screaming and running inside, holding her head in my arms as she took her last breath. The clerk dropped the gun and just stared at me, shocked that he had pulled the trigger. I screamed and cried, knowing there was nothing I could do. Once I heard the sirens, I took off. I didn’t want to be put into foster care, and I was turning eighteen in less than a month.” I paused again, searching the audience as they all pierced their eyes up at me.
“And that was when I made it to the city. The Coalition gave me resources that helped me finish my GED and apply for an internship at
Boxy Magazine
, which ended up being a life changer for me. I worked my way up, finished my associates degree, and eventually, I was hired on as a full-time employee. I can almost guarantee you without Helena and the Coalition’s help and support, I would’ve ended up back on the street, living my adulthood the same as my childhood. But, fortunately, I can stand here in front of you all tonight and say I was given a second chance. I was given a second chance at life, at making something of myself, at being a productive citizen in the community. And with the right resources and encouragement, anyone can do that, regardless of their childhood.”
I finally exhaled a long breath as I rambled on for much longer than I had expected, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. It was as if I had been holding it in all this time and it needed to be released. At first, I expected glares and looks of pity but was soon greeted with a standing ovation. Men and women stood and applauded me, smiling up at me with admiration. I could hardly believe what I was seeing. I hadn’t expected this kind of response and now the tears threatening to pour out earlier were leaking out uncontrollably.
“Wow…” Helena said next to me. “Thank you so much for sharing your story, Mackenzie. We appreciate it so much.” She waved a hand out to the crowd and then swarmed me in for a hug. “Your success story is beautiful,” she whispered in my ear.
I chanced a look at William, who was standing as well, but his lips were in a firm line as he applauded with the crowd. He looked at me in shock as if he wasn’t quite sure what to think. Alex’s eyes were focused on me, unmoving and unreadable as I thanked the crowd one last time and stepped down.
As I walked back to my table, people stopped me along the way, smiling and congratulating me on my success. I flashed small smiles back, the nerves and anxiety of what I had just confessed finally catching up to me.
By the time I got back to my table, William was finally eating his meal that had to be cold by now. Alex stayed standing until I reached my chair before he leaned in and whispered, “You did incredible. You should be proud.” I looked briefly at him as he flashed a genuine, sweet smile at me.
“I didn’t expect that…at all. But I’m glad I did it,” I responded honestly as I took my seat. “It feels good to get it off my chest to a room of people who understand and want to help.”
“You did wonderful, darling. Great speech.” William leaned over and kissed my cheek. “You have a great backstory. The press will eat that up big time.”
The difference between him and me was that I didn’t care about the press. I didn’t want them using my story to make money. It was my story and it wasn’t meant to be used for that purpose.
“Well, knowing them, they’ll spin it into some messed up story and make me look bad.”
“Well, being homeless isn’t exactly something to glamorize, darling.”
I narrowed my brows in frustration. “Well, exactly. It’s not,” I hissed. “It’s an ugly truth that too many people don’t want to know about.”
“Well, of course not.” He sighed. “But I’m proud of you for getting involved with something you’re passionate about. It shows the press you have good character.” His expression showed no emotion whatsoever, and I couldn’t believe he wasn’t a bit affected by it.
I leaned in so I wouldn’t make a scene, and in a hushed, stern voice, I said, “I don’t care about the fucking press. I don’t care how bad it makes me look. I thought I did, but now that I’ve stood up there and basically, overcame my biggest fear of telling strangers what my childhood was really like, I’m done hiding and pretending that it never happened. Because whether or not you like it, it did.”
He flashed his eyes to me briefly before taking a sip of his drink and said, “We’ll talk about this in private, Mackenzie. This isn’t the place.”
William escorted me to the car that was waiting for us. The photographers had all left, but I still felt like I was on display. He placed his hand securely on my lower back, ushering me to the back of the car. I felt uneasy about the whole night, but I couldn’t think of that right now. I just wanted to be home.
As William walked around to get into the other side, my eyes met Alex’s through the window. He was leaning against the building with both of his hands in his pockets, staring intently at me. His lips were in a firm line and tense as were his facial features. I swallowed and mouthed, “Thank you” to him just before William sat in next to me. Alex returned a light nod before pushing off the building and walking away. The car started and pulled into traffic just as he turned and looked at me once more.
I could feel my heart break in that moment. I closed my eyes as I thought about the situation I was in. How could I be in love with one man and have feelings for another?
Was that even possible?
I didn’t know a lot about relationships and love before I met William. I had gone on dates, but they never turned serious. When I met William, and he asked me out on that first date, I never expected it to go further. I was completely smitten and he took my breath away on a daily basis with how sweet and attentive he was. I didn’t have anything to compare it to, but I just knew it made me feel really special.
So when he proposed to me, it was a no-brainer. I had never been happier, and I wanted to keep it that way, but now I was finding myself questioning everything.
I was completely silent in the car on the way home. He placed a hand on my knee and left it there until we arrived at the apartment. We hadn’t spoken much since after my speech, and I could only hope his mind was spinning as much as mine was.
Because right now, nothing was making any fucking sense to me. I needed a sign, a reason to believe I was meant to be with him.
As soon as we stepped into the apartment, I fisted the material on William’s chest and pulled him to me, locking my lips on his, hot and hard. I was angry with him, pissed that he hadn’t been supportive and stayed by my side, but I needed to test my feelings for him. I wanted to feel
something
. After the kitchen incident with Alex, I was beginning to doubt everything.
His lips covered mine, reciprocating everything I was giving him. His hands firmly gripped my hips, pulling us closer together. I could feel his arousal against my stomach and the thought excited and sickened me at the same time. The image surfaced of that woman’s hands all over him, right in front of me, and yet I hadn’t felt a sting of jealousy. I was more upset at the fact he wasn’t by my side, supporting and focusing only on me. My blood boiled as I thought about how I only wanted one night—just one night that was about me and what I was passionate about, and he couldn’t even give me that.
William moaned in my mouth as his hand trailed up my body and landed on my breast. He squeezed it gently with just a touch of pressure. He was never overly forceful, but just enough to let me know he wanted me.
“Mackenzie…” he moaned in my mouth, but it didn’t sound right. For the first time since meeting him, the sound of him saying my name tore me up. “Darling…” he said again, pushing us through the house. His lips remained on my mouth and neck until we arrived to the bedroom.
I was panting by the time my knees buckled against the mattress. He leaned over me, forcing me to lean back on the bed as he slipped his hands up my thighs. How was it he didn’t even realize I was annoyed with him before leaving the event?
And why was I fooling myself?
“William, stop,” I said abruptly, pushing my body back up. “Stop.”
“What is it?” he asked, stunned and confused. He wiped the corners of his mouth off before seeing the serious expression on my face. “Are you all right?”
I adjusted my dress, pulling the straps that had slipped down back up and covering my legs before speaking again. “Would it have killed you to stay by my side tonight?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Tonight!” I screamed, irritated that he was going to make this difficult. “First, you’re late, and then when you do arrive, you wander off to talk to everyone but me. Don’t you think that’s a bit upsetting for me?”
“Mackenzie, darling…there were people there who expect me to make conversation. It’s rude if I ignore them. It’s just business, you know that.”
“And what about what I expect from you? Does that not mean anything?” I challenged, my face feeling hot as I finally pushed my guard away and was ready to tell him exactly how fucked up his behavior was.
“I didn’t realize it would be a problem,” he said casually, standing up and fixing his shirt. “I always speak to colleagues at events. It’s never been a problem before.”
I stood up with a straight face and replied, “Well, it’s a problem now. Tonight was about me and perhaps I was a fool for expecting you’d be by my side for once.”
I stepped to walk past him, but he firmly grasped my arm and pulled me back toward him. “Don’t leave.”
“I need some air,” I said, unable to look at him. This wasn’t the William I had fallen in love with. We had both been drinking, and I couldn’t think straight.
“Fine. But then we’re going to talk about this when you come back.” It wasn’t a question—he was demanding it.
But I didn’t feel like talking about it.
I STOOD OUT
on the patio with a blanket draped over my shoulders. The night air had cooled down some, but I didn’t care. The crisp air felt good, almost numb to what my heart and head were feeling.
Had I been blind this entire time? Was William always this person? Was he changing?
Or was I?
I hated questioning things. It brought up too many hurtful memories, and I just wanted to believe things worked out for the best. But now I was questioning everything.
After a while, I went back inside to warm up. I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and peeked into the bedroom. William was passed out in bed, but I wasn’t ready to go sleep next to him. I needed time.
I walked into the sitting room that was just off the main living room. It was smaller and peaceful with a white built-in bookshelf and my modern, elegant off-white couch I had brought from my old apartment. I didn’t bring many things over, but I bought it with one of my first big checks and I was proud of that purchase. William had made room for it in here, so I always liked coming in on occasion. But right now, it was being used to put distance between the mess that my reality felt right now and myself.
The room had a set of white French doors, but I kept one side open just in case William came looking for me later. I grabbed a blanket and snuggled into the couch, needing a good night’s sleep to get myself back to feeling like me again.
I thought I heard shuffling in the living room, scaring me out of my deep sleep. I peeked over the edge of the couch and saw a lamp was left on. I checked my phone and saw that it was past three a.m. Alex must just be coming home. He didn’t leave with us, and from the pained look he gave me, I knew he hadn’t planned to come home anytime soon.
I settled back into the couch, letting sleep take over once again.