Deep Water (10 page)

My
birthday came, and there was no more mention of a boob job. I didn’t mind,
though. Joseph made me feel gorgeous in the way he seemed to covet every inch
of my body. We had gotten carried away a few times and clothes had been removed
in a lustful haste. But we always seemed to remember ourselves in time.

“When?” Joseph would ask when we were
both fully dressed again and cooled off.

“Soon,” I’d say. The truth was that I
wanted it to stay like this forever. It seemed more innocent and uncomplicated
to not have sex involved. It made me feel like he really did love me because he
was willing to go without at my request. It made me feel in control.

Joseph took me out to dinner for my
eighteenth birthday. We both dressed up like we were adults, and he opened
doors for me and even pulled out my chair. It felt like we were playing at being
grownups and we both erupted into fits of giggles at how snooty the wait staff
was.

“You’re going to order more than salad,
aren’t you? I mean it’s your birthday. You can have something nice.” There was
hope in his voice.  The closest that we had ever come to fighting was about
food. I think that I had finally got it into his head that I didn’t have an
eating disorder, I just liked to control my calorie intake and not stuff myself
full of fatty foods.

To appease him, I ordered a piece of
grilled fish and he smiled happily at that. Graduation was coming up, and after
that, Joseph was going to work for his boss full time doing up houses. I was
supposed to go off to college, but the thought of leaving Joseph made me feel
sick. I was seriously contemplating taking a year to stay here and work. Mom
said the choice was mine, but Dad had thrown a fit over the phone at me. He and
Anna had started up a bed and breakfast on the other side of the country and I
wasn’t seeing much of him anymore. And I didn’t really want to since he didn’t
respect my decisions.

Katrin was another thorn in my side. We
were polite to each other, but I knew how she felt about Joseph. He obviously
didn’t see it, but she was hopelessly enamored of him. I could tell by the way
she looked at him when he wasn’t watching. I kept my mouth shut, though. He
didn’t like to hear any criticism of her and I didn’t want to cause any
conflict between us.

The night of my birthday, Ewan’s parents
died. Their car took a corner too fast and Mr. Walsh must have overcorrected,
sending their vehicle plunging down a bank and compacting the metal into
something unrecognizable. Mom called me just as we were leaving the restaurant.
She was busy doing god knows what and wanted me to go see Ewan, after all, she
and Mrs. Walsh had been frenemies.

I got Joseph to drop me off, but he
wasn’t happy about it. “Why do you have to go? Are you two even that close?”

“He’s my friend, you know that. You’d do
the same for Katrin…”

He frowned as he watched me. “That’s
different. Katrin and I–”

“I know. I know.” I rolled my eyes. “You
and Katrin have a special bond blah, blah, blah.” I hadn’t meant for it to
sound as bitchy as it did, and immediately I felt stupid. “Sorry,” I said in a
quiet voice as I undid my seatbelt. “Look, thanks for dinner. I’m sorry our
night had to end like this.” I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

He gave a sigh. “It’s okay. You should
go be with your friend. Do you want to call me to come pick you up later?”

I shook my head. “No. I’ll make my own
way. Love you.” I opened the door.

“I love you too, Jessica.”

Mrs. Walsh’s sister greeted me at the
door, her eyes were red-rimmed. “He’s drinking! Teenage boys shouldn’t be
drinking!”

“He’s upset. Just let him be for a
while.”

She nodded. “I wish there was something
I could do…”

“Look, why don’t you go to bed. I’ll
take care of him and make sure he doesn’t get too drunk.”

She nodded. “All right. Today has been
so tiring…” I watched her shuffle down the hall to the guest room before I
headed upstairs to find Ewan. He was sitting on his bed with a glass of brown
liquid in his hand. A half empty bottle of bourbon stood on the nightstand. I
quietly closed the door behind me as I stepped into the room. His eyes moved
over to me.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” he
slurred.

“I just wanted to make sure you were
okay.” I walked over to the bed and sat beside him. “I am
so
sorry,
Ewan.” I squeezed his hand, and that’s when he collapsed into tears. I pulled
him to me so I could wrap my arms around him while he cried onto my shoulder. I
ended up staying the night with him, lying beside him as he cried himself to
sleep.

In the morning, he said he felt
embarrassed. But I just embraced him and told him that I would be there for him
no matter what. I made Joseph come to the funeral with me, but he was so
insensitive, wanting to know why
I
had to be the one Ewan turned to. I’d
glared at him and told him not to be such a prick. That resulted in two days of
us not talking, but we made up with a session of heavy making out.

Ewan had a lot on his shoulders. He had
just inherited his father’s company and was thinking about giving college a
miss and learning the ropes straight away. He explained all this over coffee
one morning after we met up after a party. We were both hungover and sympathized
with each other over our headaches.

“You know if you’re intent on staying. I
could probably get you an admin job at the company,” he offered.

And that’s what he did.

I made a decision to skip college for a
year and work. Joseph didn’t seem as thrilled about the idea as I was, and that
sent me spiraling into doubts and insecurity.

“I don’t mean I’m not glad you’re staying
because I am. It’s just that this is your future you’re messing with. Do you
really want to take a year off and work at some crappy job, or do you want to
go and party with your friends and have the college experience?”

I put my arms around his waist. “I want
to be with
you
.”

He looked me straight in the eye. “I’ll
still be here, Jessica. Waiting for you. As long as it takes. I just need to
make a bit of money first and then I can move closer to you.” His boss was
willing to back him as an investor in buying a property to flip. I’d never seen
him so excited.

I lay my head against his chest. “I’m
not going anywhere.”

I started my job a week after
graduation. It was good having Ewan as a friendly face, even though I could
tell he was stressed out by the sheer magnitude of everything involved, but at
least he had some good people running things. My job was really boring, but it
was worth it if it meant that I got to be near Joseph. The highlight of my days
was lunch with Ewan. He messed around and joked like we were still at school
before we had to return to the somber and serious atmosphere of the office.

After I’d been there a few months, I was
exhausted and looking forward to meeting Joseph for dinner before we were
supposed to head off to a party at Lena’s house. He was late. I sat at a table
in the diner and waited, playing with the salt and pepper shakers. When he
finally rushed in, he was full of apologies.

“Sorry.” He pecked me on the lips before
sliding into the booth. “We just got back from Alcott. We’ve found the perfect
house there and they’ve accepted our offer.”

My heart sunk. “Alcott? That’s three
hours away.”

“There’s huge growth going on there at
the moment. Soon, there’s going to be a lack of housing. It’s perfect!” He
grabbed one of the fries I’d ordered for him and bit into it. I couldn’t believe
how happy he was.

“But, Joseph. What about me?”

He looked at me. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve stayed here for you. And now you
tell me that you’re going to be three hours drive away. When will I see you?”

“Jessica, we have cars. Of course we’re
going to see each other.” He reached for my hand, but I drew it back from him.

“When? I know you. You like to work
around the clock to get something done.” I threw my napkin on the table in
frustration. “I’ve put my life on hold for you.”

He let out a sigh, his irritation
evident. “I didn’t ask you to.”

That felt like a slap in the face, and I
just stared at him for a moment, before starting to get to my feet.  But he
grabbed my hands.

“Stop. Please? That came out wrong.”

I slowly sat back down, watching him
sullenly.

“I just meant that I can’t let this
opportunity pass me by. And you could still go to college–”

“No, I can’t. It’s too late for this
year!” I snapped.

His forehead creased. “I’m sorry. What
do you want me to say? That I won’t go?”

Yes.
“Of course not.”

“Look. We will make this work, I
promise,” he told me softly. “I’m gonna stay in a trailer while I get the house
up to standard, maybe you could move out there eventually. There are options,
Jessica. This doesn’t have to change anything.”

I leaned back and sipped my water. “Can
we not talk about this anymore, please?”

He watched me, his brow furrowed, and I
switched my gaze to the table, not wanting to look at him.

“Hey. I’m just going to take a piss. Be
back in a minute.”

“Sure.”

While he was gone, his phone which lay
on the table buzzed. I grabbed it only to see a text message from fucking
Katrin.

‘I’m going to miss you so much when
you’re gone. Can we hang out tonight at the party? Love K.’

It made my blood boil. Joseph came back
to find me holding his phone and staring at it murderously.

“What’s wrong?” He took it from me and
read the message.

“How could you tell her before you told
me?” I demanded, then I didn’t give him a chance to answer. “Seriously, she
acts like she’s your fucking girlfriend. You need to get rid of her!”

“Jessica, I just–”

“Are you still having sex with her?”
That came out louder than I expected and several people looked in our
direction.

“Jesus.” Joseph looked around us. “Keep
your voice down.”

I leaned in closer. “Just answer the fucking
question.”

“Of course I’m not,” he hissed back at
me. “You’re acting really stupid right now, you know that?”

I huffed and crossed my arms, glaring at
him.

“I told her because she’s my friend, and
it came up in conversation before I got a chance to tell you. And no, I won’t
get rid of her. Any more so than you would your little lap dog Ewan.”

“I’m not fucking Ewan.”

“And I’m not fucking, Katrin. I haven’t
for a long time.” He looked at me pleadingly. “Please. Can we not fight?  I
feel like crap for upsetting you.” He took my hands in his. “I love you.
Nothing’s going to change that. Why don’t we talk about this tomorrow when
we’re both a lot calmer? Let’s just go and have fun with our friends tonight.
Okay?”

I nodded. It was stupid that we were
fighting. I hated fighting with him. “Okay.” We kissed across the table.

My mission at the party was to get as
drunk as possible as fast as I could. Joseph was busy telling his friends about
his plans, and that just made me feel sick. Like the more people he told, the
more real it all became.

Ewan waved at me from across the room,
and I waved back. But I didn’t go over to him. I wanted to stay at Joseph’s
side for as long as I could. Besides, Ewan was dancing with a hot blonde and I
didn’t want to cramp his style. Joseph had a hand around my waist, and every so
often his thumb would find its way under my top and rub against my waist. It
always made me feel like melting into him.

Then I spotted Katrin, and my semi-good
mood evaporated. She looked good; like skanky, white trash good maybe, but it
was still good. She seemed to ooze sex without even trying. I took a long drink
of vodka. When she came up to Joseph, I could see that her eyes were red like
she’d been crying.

He noticed too. His arm disappeared from
around my waist as all of his attention went to her. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he
asked, gripping her forearms lightly so she couldn’t move away.

“It’s just–” Then her eyes darted to me
like she was noticing me for the first time, and she ducked her head down.
“Nothing,” she muttered.

Joseph turned to me. “Look, do you mind?
I think I need to talk to her in private.”

I stared at him in disbelief. “Are you
fucking kidding me?”

“Jessica. Don’t act like that–”

But I cut him off. “Fuck you!” And I
stormed away to get lost in the sea of people. Someone put a shot in my hand
and I downed it quickly, welcoming the burn. I did a few more, but they did
nothing to quell the anger within me. Bitterness and hatred swarmed through me
and I just felt like breaking something. I felt like I was suffocating and
fought my way past people to make it outside into the air.

I leaned against a wall, taking deep
breaths to try and calm myself.