Deep Water (9 page)

Dad
cooked dinner. He grilled steaks and made an attempt to be happy, chatting
about his new apartment and how there was always room for me to come and stay.
I smiled and listened, a small part of me unclenched at the fact that he was
being optimistic and my mother hadn’t totally destroyed his life.

I cut into the steak and chewed each
piece thirty times exactly. I ate at least half since he’d gone to so much
trouble.

“Any plans for tonight,” he asked, spearing
his own meat.

“I think Eve said something about a
party.” Plus I had the urge to get really, really drunk and forget everything.
“How about you?”

His smile was wide. “I’m just going to
meet a friend for a drink.”

“Anna?”

His smiled froze, before he said
carefully, “Yes.”

I placed my fork on my plate. “Were you
having an affair with her?”

“Jessie–yes, yes I was.”

I stared at my plate. “I don’t blame
you,” I mumbled. He got up and walked around to my side of the table, wrapping
his arms around me.

“It’ll be okay, sweetheart. I promise.”
He kissed the top of my head. “Why don’t you go get ready for your party? I’ll
clean up.”

I sat on my bed for a while before I
started to get ready. I had tried to practice thinking of other things besides
Joseph; things that didn’t make me feel completely humiliated and want to hide
my head from the hurt.

THE BEST WAY TO GET REVENGE IS TO HAVE
FUN! The headline from the magazine on my bed screamed at me in a hot pink
scrawl. This was the same piece of literature that told me chewing my food
thirty times made it less likely to end up in wobbly rolls on my thighs, and
that the secret to a perfect ass was one simple exercise done every day. I
doubted its validity on these issues, but they were things I did anyway. But maybe
there was some truth to the revenge idea. I
would
have fun tonight.
Never mind that I still felt seedy and weak from my intoxication the night
before, the best thing to do would be to go to this party looking hot and sexy.

The jeans I wore clung to me like a
second skin, and I paired them with a black top that was cropped so my stomach
was visible. Somehow, the scooped neck actually revealed a slight amount of
cleavage enhanced by my bra. I ran my hands over my flat stomach. This was how
I liked my body‒perfect without an inch of spare, useless fat.

This party was by the lake. It wasn’t
one of the fancy palaces on the lakes edge, this one was more of a decrepit
cabin that soon would be bought out and flattened by developers. It belonged to
the grandfather of one of the guys I was at school with, Nick. The grandfather
had, apparently, been forced into a home and now his children were selling off
all of the assets they could get their hands on. Nick was making the most of it
while he could.

Eve parked her car with all the others.
“I have a feeling Nick and his friends are going to totally trash this place.”

“Yep,” I agreed.

“Hey, Jessie. Are you okay? You’re not
upset about Joseph Fray are you? You had sex with him, big deal. It happens.
Now you’ve done it once you can move on to someone else. Like Ewan. He’s cute.”

I sighed, grabbing my bag with the beer
in it. I’d let her in on the fact that I had had sex, but I wasn’t about to let
her know about the humiliating cruelty he had shown to me afterward. “I dunno.
I just want to get drunk.”

“Sounds good,” she said brightly,
getting out of the car. I followed her, beer in hand. We found somewhere to sit
and were soon joined by our other friends. I moved over on the couch so Ewan
could sit down.

“Hey, Jessie.”

“Hey, Ewan.”

He was drunk already. His concept of
personal space had gone out the window as he leaned against me. I drank my beer
quickly, wanting to get as drunk as possible as quickly as I could.

“Cheers!” He crashed his beer bottle
against mine, which overflowed onto my chest and seeped down into my bra.

“Oops, sorry,” he gave me a goofy smile.
“Do you want me to clean it up?”

I laughed. “No, but nice try.” I wiped
it with my sleeve while taking a long drink.

Eve collapsed down on the other side of
me. Where had she been? I hadn’t even noticed that she’d gone.

“Guess what? I just saw Joseph making
out with that Katrin girl. He is such a
slut
. Can you believe it?” She
directed her attention to Ewan now. “Honestly, he had sex with Jessie only last
night, and now he’s screwing someone else!”

I flushed deeply. “Eve, shut up!”

“What? You screwed that loser? What were
you thinking? How could you let her do that?” Ewan’s last comment was directed
at Eve.

I got to my feet, pushing them both away
from me. “Would you both just shut up,” I scowled at them, taking my beer and
leaving. I pushed through the crowd and stopped short when I saw them.

Katrin had her hand on his chest and
gave him a kiss on the cheek before she pushed away from him, disappearing into
the overcrowded room. He watched her go, before leaning against the wall and
taking a long drink. I watched him for a second. The bruises had come out in
more color today. Someone bumped into me and that sent me moving. I walked over
to him and leaned against the wall next to him. He didn’t notice me at first,
but when he did it was when the beer bottle was half way to his mouth. He
paused, before slowly taking the drink as he had intended. I took a drink of my
own as well.

“Is Katrin your girlfriend now?” I
asked.

“No.”

“She thinks she is.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Jealous?”

I took another drink. “No. I feel sorry
for her. You’re just playing with her for your own gratification.” Katrin
reappeared then, her eyes darting between us and all the seductiveness and confidence
I had seen before had disappeared. I spoke, before she could.

“Poor Katrin. It must suck just being
the comfort girl, the
convenient
one. Maybe you should stop being so
convenient. You might find a better caliber of man.”

 Then I pushed away from the wall and
left, heading outside to be away from the people and the noise. Not too many
people were outside, it was cold now and I strode down to the water.

“
Hey,”
I heard Joseph’s shoes in
the sand. “Where the hell do you get off speaking to her like that? We are
none
of your business.

I turned around to look at him. Even in
the dark I could see that his jaw was rigid with anger. I was glad that I could
spark that reaction in him. It gave me a twisted sense of satisfaction.

“Why are you coming to her defense? I
thought she
wasn’t
your girlfriend?” I laughed as I drank my beer.

“Just shut up and leave Katrin alone,”
he snarled. “You’re pissed at me for taking your precious virginity and
humiliating you. This is nothing to do with
her
.”

His free hand was now curled up into a
fist, I nodded to it. “Wow, you get mad really easily. I guess that’s what your
role model’s like. Are you following in his footsteps now, Joseph?”

His lips pressed together dangerously
and he took a step closer to me. “I warned you–” he started, but the idiotic,
drunk part of my brain kept me talking.

“Are you going to hit
me
now,
Joseph? Is that how you handle stuff?”

He stopped in his tracks, his eyes
widening with shock and he looked down at his fist, loosening it immediately.
“Of course not. How could you think that?” He took a deep breath. “Jessica–”

“No,” I shook my head, plonking myself
on a rock and taking a much needed drink. “Of course I didn’t think that,” I
muttered. “I was just being a bitch. I just wanted to say something to hurt
you.” I kept my head down, I couldn’t look at him. He kicked the sand before
sitting beside me. He didn’t speak and neither did I. He didn’t touch me
either, and I wanted him to. I really did.

I finally got up the courage to look at him
and found his eyes on me already. I wished that I could read what was in them.

“Why were you such a dick to me
yesterday?” I asked, finally.

He looked away then. “I was embarrassed,
more than anything. I didn’t want you to see my house, or my mom, I especially
didn’t want you to know that I got my ass kicked by that fucking alcoholic
again and I didn’t stand up for myself,
again
.”

“But I don’t care about that kind of
stuff. I mean, I care that someone hurt you, but you shouldn’t be embarrassed. You
didn’t do anything wrong.” I waited a second. “And you were mad about the stuff
I said? You should be. I can’t believe that I called you a loser–”

“It’s true,” he cut in. “I am a loser.”

“No! You’re not.” I took his hand, it
was cold and I desperately wanted to warm it in mine.

He gave a wry smile. “I am. I suck at
school. I do things
knowing
that they’ll piss off my step-dad…” He
looked me straight in the eye, his face suddenly serious. “But I won’t be
forever, Jessica. I promise you that.”

“I still don’t think you’re a loser,” I
whispered to him, lifting my mouth to gently touch his, careful of his split
lip. He moved back from me swiftly though after just a second.

Rejection washed over me. “Sorry,” I
said, in a small voice. “I shouldn’t have done that. I know you’re with
Katrin.” But I still couldn’t let go of his hand.

“I’m not, though. What I said to you
before was the truth.” He let out a breath. “But maybe I let her get
more…attached to me than I should have.”

“Oh. So…?”
What was with not fucking kissing
me!

“I’m sorry I had sex with you,” he
rushed out. “I knew you were drunk, and I took advantage. So I just wanted to
say that I was sorry. I know you wanted it to be special, and I’m especially
sorry about how I acted afterward.”

“It
was
special. It was with you.
That’s what made it special.” I went to kiss him again, and this time he let
me.

Terrence
Teller’s house was cleaned by staff who were rarely seen. They cleaned the
place while I was at school and remained in their own wing once their duties
were done.  My mother was loving playing lady of the manor. She was instantly
elevated in her social status amongst her friends and at the country club.

Teller had
never
had one of his
woman move in with him before.

She was on her best behavior, and that
made me suspicious as to how many of her symptoms she could actually control.
Or maybe he just never did anything wrong or to upset her…

Dad’s apartment was nice. It had a
bedroom for me to stay in if I wanted to. But he seemed to be spending all of
his time with Anna, and I felt like I was intruding by being around them.
Terrence traveled a lot with his business and Mom went with him, leaving me
alone in this huge house. But that was okay, it was easier to breathe when she
wasn’t around.

And it was easier to invite Joseph over.

We had spent the night of the party
talking and making out. Apologies and talk of the future dominated our
conversation in between kisses. It was amazing how he alone could take me from
despair the day before to a state of near euphoria. I don’t think that I had
ever felt so happy.

I introduced him to my mother. She gave
him her best superior smile before waltzing away to her hair appointment. I had
expected a sneer at least at his worn jeans, hoody, and bruising. But she was
polite in the way she was to people who she thought were beneath her and I
never heard any more about the matter. She obviously found her own love life
far more interesting.

She certainly didn’t know about the
hours we spent together on my bed. We were always fully clothed. But I know she
wouldn’t have approved.

I lived for those times.

I sunk back into the pillows as Joseph
moved over me. He seemed to put so much concentration into kissing me like it
was the most important thing in the world. I’d feel myself get lost underneath
him and everything else melted away into nothing. His hands began to wander and
he rubbed against me as a hand worked its way underneath my top.

“Joseph,” I murmured between kisses.
“Joseph!”

“Sorry.” He rolled off me, panting.
“Sorry, I got carried away.” He threw his own head back onto the pillow beside
me and grinned at me. I grinned back at him.

“I like kissing you,” he told me.

“I like you kissing me too.” I reached
forward and put my lips on his again, but his phone buzzed, interrupting us.

“Shit,” he huffed. “Who’s that?” he
asked after the third text message had come through. He sat up and reached for
his phone, scrolling through.

“Hey, sorry. I had better go.”

“What is it?” I leaned over to look at
his messages. The name Katrin glared up at me. I swallowed and forced a smile
that was strained, digging my fingers into the bed. “What does she want?” I
asked, cordially.

“You’re pissed.”

“I’m not pissed. She’s your friend.
That’s fine. Your
friend
. Not someone you have sex with anymore.” I
swallowed. “Am I acting like the perfect girlfriend who doesn’t care that her
boyfriend’s still friends with someone he used to sleep with? Because I’m
really trying here.”

He grinned at me. “You’re great, you
know that?”

“Yes,” I replied shortly.

He took my hands, rubbing his thumb
along my skin. “She’s having a really tough time at the moment. She’s always
been there for me. I can’t just turn my back on her.”

I softened. “Of course not. You’re a
good, loyal friend. That’s one of the things that I like about you.” I looked
at the clock and sighed. “Anyway, they’re having a party here tonight so I
better start getting ready. You could come back for that?” I asked hopefully.

“I don’t really think that I’d fit in,
Jessica.”

Fair enough. “Okay. Will I see you at
the swimming pools tomorrow morning?”

“Sure thing, babe.” He gave me a quick
kiss before leaving, and I just lay on my bed, trying not to feel jealous. Not
for the first time, I contemplated having sex with him again. Maybe if I did,
he wouldn’t feel tempted if evil Katrin tried to seduce him. Although, Katrin
wasn’t really evil; more sad…and maybe a little pathetic. Then I shook my head
to try and clear it of the nasty thoughts in my head.

Joseph wouldn’t do that to me, and he
had said that he was happy to wait for when I was ready to have sex again. No
pressure.

Mom had bought me a dress for tonight
and I hated it. It was white with a blue sash around the middle, it reminded me
of Alice in Wonderland and not for the first time did I wonder about her trying
to make me look younger than I was. Now, more than ever was she obsessed with
her own aging. Botox and facials took up a lot of her time. It would be no
surprise if she found it hard to deal with the fact that she had a daughter my
age.

But I would wear the dress for her. I
couldn’t risk her acting crazy. After all, if Terrence found out what she was
like and kicked us out, I doubted Dad would take her back.

We had to stand together like we were a family
and greet the guests. Terrence looked nice in his suit, but my mom looked
stunning as usual. I, on the other hand, faded into the background; washed out
by my white dress and nearly blending into the white marble tiles.

I was glad to see Ewan, who had arrived
sullenly trailing his parents. There was a huge party at Nick’s lake house, and
he was probably just as pissed as I was at having to attend this boring thing.
His face brightened as he gave me a hug in greeting. I hadn’t had a lot to do
with him lately, as all my time was taken up by school and Joseph.

“Give me twenty minutes,” he whispered
in my ear. “And I’ll meet you down by the water with a bottle of whatever I can
steal.”

I grinned in response. “It’s a plan.”

I greeted a whole lot of boring adults
who wanted to suck up to Terrence before I managed to steal up to my bedroom to
get something warm to wear. I grabbed a top of Joseph’s that he’d left behind
and pulled it over my sucky dress. It smelled like him, of cigarettes and that
wonderful something else which I could never properly decipher. Maybe it was
the scent of love, I mused romantically, before laughing at how pathetic I was.

 Ewan was waiting for me. Sitting on the
bench and filling two flutes. His eyes surveyed me.

“I liked just the dress better,” he
said, commenting on the addition of Joseph’s top.

“This dress sucks. I look like a five-year-old
in it.”

“And now you look like a homeless
person.”

I whacked him lightly on the arm. “Shut
up. I like it. It’s Joseph’s.”

“Yeah, I figured that.” He passed me a
flute and we clinked them together. “Cheers.”

“You don’t like him much, do you?” I
asked after taking the first sip.

“He’s not really in my…stratosphere to
have an opinion about him. I think he’s kind of a loser. But I don’t get what
you
see in him.”

I let out a breath. “Well, he’s
definitely
not
a loser. He’s sweet and kind, and really clever too. He
has all these ideas and things he wants to do in the future–”

“Okay. Enough! Sorry I asked. You sound
all soppy when you talk about him.”

I shrugged and smiled. “I can’t help it.
It’s just the way he makes me feel

He looked at me warily. “Okay. But I
think you’re heading for trouble hanging out with him.”

I straightened my back. “Don’t be such a
snob. He’s not how you think he is.”

“Sorry, sorry. Just be careful. Okay?” 
He gave me a look that was filled with such kindness and concern that it was
hard to stay mad at him.

“Okay.” I drained my drink.