Read Denying Mr. Parks (The Parks #1) Online
Authors: Lilly James
I didn’t even have time to take in what my best friend had just said to me, because Parks started scrutinizing me.
“You didn’t think to tell me about this?”
I wrapped my arms around my chest as I spoke. “We’re not in a relationship.” My defences had been put back into place, and I was cold again. “You don’t need to know all about me. You’re acting like it’s the worst disease imaginable.”
“It is to me, Evelyn. You know, you never cease to amaze me, but this one has topped the lot.” He looked over my body in disgust. “What did Steph mean about being like your parents? Are they alcoholics,
like you
?”
His words sucked out what little breath I had left in my lungs. I grimaced at the way he spat
like you
and felt entirely weakened by his harshness. I never wanted affection from Parks. From the moment I met him, I thought sex was the only thing between us, but what we shared the night before was something I had never experienced. I was already attached to him from feeling safe in his arms, from even telling him that I felt that way. So in that moment, he utterly threw me, and it hurt.
“Why are you saying it like that?”
“Are they?” he barked.
I sighed deeply whilst dropping my tired eyes to the floor. “They were. They are recovering alcoholics, and ex-drug-addicts.” I stared at my feet, too ashamed to lift my head, but I heard Parks’s sharp intake clearly.
“I see. And you?”
I rotated on my heel to turn away from him and shook my head. “Evelyn, answer me,” he bellowed.
“Yes.” I spun to face him as I screamed the words I had never admitted or said out loud. “Yes. I am an alcoholic and I’ve done drugs, but I’m not a drug addict.”
He took a small step back, affliction flickering in his eyes. I couldn’t comprehend his attitude. Why was he so tormented by my words? So angry, so emotionless, so far away?
I watched him ponder what to do. It was like I was watching him arguing with himself whilst trying to get to the bottom of my past.
“Those people Steph spoke of, those ones who wanted you dead? Care to elaborate?”
“Drug dealers, Parks. A man of your intelligence surely figured that out.”
He tried to remain calm, but I saw his eyes twitch in agony. “You owed them money?” he said stiffly. “How much?”
“Does it matter? What matters is I did. And I could have paid them off with the inheritance I had from my gran, but I didn’t. I was only eighteen when the money came to me. My nan wrote in her will that she wanted me to travel with it. She begged me to get away from London and go see the world. But I completely disregarded her wishes. I spent every last penny of the ten grand I had on drinks, drugs, and a trip to Amsterdam with Travie. I got so fucked out of my mind I can’t even remember those four months.”
“Travie? Jesus Christ.” His pulled-back expression told me he wasn’t expecting any of that, and that what I’d said revolted him. He turned his back on me to gather himself. When he turned around again, he looked me up and down in repugnance. “I don’t understand the need. What drives you people to that state? What the fuck could be so bad in your life that you need to degrade yourself that way?”
What?
I’d heard many hurtful words from lots of people, but Parks’s words stung and remained imbedded. But as hurtful as they were, I wouldn’t show my pain. I pointed to him as I spoke. “You see, I told you I didn’t want you to know about my past because…”
“Because you were scared I wouldn’t want your future,” he finished for me. I swallowed down what felt like a ball of thorns in my throat and blinked. “Yes, Evelyn. I remember everything you say to me.” He paused. “And you were right.”
I stared at him in bewilderment. “What?”
“You heard me,” he spat. “How could you withhold something like this from someone like me?”
“Someone like you?” I croaked, dangerously on the brink of letting tears slip. A couple of hours previous I was being held by the same man now looking down on me like I was garbage. I tried to calm down my breathing and held on to the kitchen counter for support. Parks clutched at his hair, contemplating his next actions. But I had enough. The barriers that had started to slip around Parks had gone straight back up. “I get it. A man like Wade Parks can’t possibly be associated with an alcoholic. A woman who used to take drugs. Right? You know what, fuck you. I told you staying with me would only hurt me, and now look what’s happened. Why did you stay? Why couldn’t you have just left me alone?” I marched towards him and started pushing his chest, thumping his shoulders. “Why did you have to keep coming back for more? You got inside my head and fucked everything up that was good for me. You’re just like the rest of them. When I get to be too much, when I become hard work, you all fuck off and leave me. You know what, I’m much better off on my own, anyway.” He was letting me punch him in his chest and push him towards the door. “I never wanted you in my life, and I don’t ever want to see you again. Leave,” I screamed.
He grabbed hold of my wrists to stop me fighting him and snarled in my face. “I will happily leave. People like you disgust me. And don’t worry, you won’t see me again.” His gaze roamed down my body insidiously once more, then he pushed my wrists out of his grip aggressively, causing me to fall backwards onto my arse.
Parks turned his back on me and walked out of the flat and out of my damaged life for good. He slammed the door behind him so violently the flat shook. I stared at the door even after he was gone, slowly gasping for air.
I’d pushed away everyone that only wanted to help me, and for what? For falling for a man I denied? For ignoring the emotions Parks ignited inside of me because I was too scared to feel them? He showed me kindness, care, and feeling, yet I abolished them because I was locked up in a cage that wouldn’t let me break free. I was too afraid of letting him in, but I was gradually coming out of my shell for him. He told me he would be my safe place, and I agreed because he made me feel sheltered.
I knew when he found out about my previous life that he would want nothing more to do with me. In the beginning I didn’t care if he found out. Now he had, I realised I did actually care. Hugely. His reaction, though, was not one I anticipated. He was tormented. I could see it in his eyes, and I didn’t understand it. Whatever the reason, it seemed deeply rooted. However, he left me alone like everyone else did, and the feeling of losing someone I was starting to get close to so abruptly left me feeling punctured.
Everything I craved in my life was bad for me, and I couldn’t conquer it. In that moment, the one thing I craved was the same thing I denied. It was the same thing that had just left me and gave me even more reason to repudiate hope. Parks leaving me proved that I should fear happiness.
I was a coward, a liar, and deceitful.
I felt empty. Lonely. A failure.
And the only person I had to blame was my very worst enemy.
Myself.
Acknowledgments
First I want to thank my family for putting up with my absent minded behaviour, and only being half-present during conversations while my mind has been in the book world.
To my mum and sister, who are continuously telling me to stop being so hard on myself, believe that I can write despite days of feeling like I couldn’t. For basically giving me a kick up my arse when I need it.
To my beautiful daughter, who lets me write and work even though it sometimes takes away our play time together with Barbie and Monster High dolls. You’re my little star.
To my dad and brothers, who are absolutely, one hundred percent, never reading my books, but continue to support me anyway.
To the wonderful ladies at my ‘normal’ job, (you know who are.) Thank you for being excited about my books as much as I am.
I want to thank my publishers, Limitless Publishing for taking a chance on a self-published author, and giving me this chance.
Thank you to my editor, JoSelle, for doing a brilliant job with helping me polish up my work, and having me laugh at your – ‘is this a British phrase?’ comments. Thank you.
I also want to say a massive thank you to five ladies, who were the first to read and review Denying Mr. Parks when it was first self-published. You are also the first five that loved the story and ‘got’ Evey and Wade. Your emails, advice and kind and enthusiastic words mean so much to me that I will always keep you in mind. Those ladies are; Flo at The Coffee Addict BlogSpot, Lisa Jane at LJ’s Secret Addiction. Michelle @MammyPorn. The lovely Dana, who loves Mr. Parks as much as me. And Tbird at Beyond the Valley of the Books. I cannot thank you ladies enough for being so supportive. I am hugely grateful, more than you will ever know. I also want to thank all those amazing bloggers for all their help and support because without you wonderful ladies, word wouldn’t get out about this book, blog tours wouldn’t happen, and release blitz, cover reveals would be non-existent. So thank you so very much for reading my emails, being so willing to help and so willing to answer my questions and not thinking I was a dumbass when I hadn’t a clue how things worked. To the readers who have already read Denying and Addicted, I thank you for taking a chance on a self-published author and her debut novel. I also thank you for your kind comments, emails and tweets, they all mean so very much.
Now for the readers, I hand Mr. Parks over to you.
Lilly James is a woman with a wild imagination that has to be set free into the arms of a keyboard. Writing erotic romance gives herself, and her readers, that chance to escape into the world of bold characters and live a fantasy of romance and dreams… just for a little.
God knows we all need that escape.
Denying Mr. Parks
is the first instalment to a planned trilogy, and if the lives of Evelyn and Parks have captivated you, and given you a new swoon-worthy Alpha male, then she hopes you will join her for part two of The Parks Series,
Addicted to Mr. Parks
.