Deranged Marriage (34 page)

‘I want to come into the office to do it, is that all right? Then at least I’ll be able to help.’

‘Then you can get started on the work I’ve given you at the same time. Will Imogen let you come to work?’ Francesca’s mouth twitched.

‘She’ll probably insist on coming with me, just like a mother on her child’s first day at school.’

‘You’re lucky to have her.’

‘I’m lucky to have all of you.’

‘Holly, there’s just one more thing.’

‘What?’

‘You need to call Joe and tell him about this. He is going to get dragged into all this you know, he deserves to know first.’

‘I’ll call him tonight.’ What Francesca didn’t know, what no one knew was that I wanted so much to hear the sound of Joe’s voice, that even giving him bad news appealed to me. I missed him so much, I missed his voice, his smile, his smell, everything. It was so horrible to feel that life could be empty with just the absence of one person, but it could. It was even worse than when George went to live in New York. That was how I knew that I had found my soulmate, I’d just been a bit careless with him and I was paying the price.

I was just sad that he was too.

Chapter Thirty

‘I have to tell George about the baby, and I wanted to warn you that we’re also sending a press release out.’

‘Right.’

‘I hate to have to tell you this but it’ll probably be all over the papers, and George will have a field day with it. He’ll probably insist that the baby is his and therefore I have to marry him.’ I bit one of my best fingernails as I waited for his response.

‘Right.’

‘And you’re going to get dragged into this, I’m so sorry, but Joe, I don’t know what else to do.’ Another nail. This one tore a bit close to the quick. I bit my lip to stop myself from squealing.

‘Right.’

‘Can’t you say anything else? Shout at me, or something.’ I had been so nervous about making the call, so excited about hearing his voice, now I needed him to tell me something, anything. ‘Right’ wasn’t going to do it.

‘Holly, there’s a lot to take in. My parents ask after you all the time despite the fact that you’re in the paper. They still think that I should give you another chance. I told them that you’re pregnant and they already think you’re carrying their grandchild. They’re over the moon. My mates all think that I should go and have a showdown with George, although they admit that I will probably be portrayed as the bad guy in the papers, they think I should fight for you. My sister thinks that I should kick your arse into space, as do most of my female friends...’

‘I didn’t know you had any female friends.’ Oops, think before you speak Holly.

‘Well maybe you don’t know as much about me as you think. Anyway, the point is that every bloody one of them has an opinion about what I should do because our lives are being played out in public. And when they find out about the baby, there’ll be more of it. Shit, Holly I was the victim in this, I didn’t do anything to deserve this except fall in love with you, and now I am paying the price. I’m paying way above the price. I don’t know what to say to you, Holly, because there is no script. I never in my wildest dreams believed that any of this would happen. I’ve been cheated on before, but I’ve never been the potential father of a child and I’ve never had my girlfriend splashed across the newspapers because of the alternative potential father.’

‘I know, and I am sorry. I’ve probably worn that word out I use it so damn much. I don’t know what to say.’ I really didn’t. I baulked at his accusation that I didn’t know him. I did know Joe. I knew him because I loved him and that was my one remaining certainty.

‘Nor do I, Holly. I would love to tell you that it’ll be all right but I can’t because I don’t know if it will.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you too, despite everything. I just don’t know if I know you any more.’ There was a silence, I needed to say something, to do something to keep him on the phone, to explain to get him to come back to me, anything, there had to be something. ‘Bye Holly.’

‘Joe...’

‘Bye Holly.’ He put down the phone and I looked at my bleeding finger and cried.

It was impossible to explain exactly how I felt after the call. He didn’t say anything that was unfair, he wasn’t as angry as he could have been. He sounded upset, fed up, tired and confused. Joe was this great, great guy who had a successful job and a nice flat and good friends and a loving family but then this woman came into his life and turned it upside down. That woman was me. She pulled his life apart and not only that, she did it publicly. He wasn’t a heart-on-his-sleeve type of guy. He liked chatting, he liked banter, occasionally he would want to talk about his feelings but not always. If it weren’t for the papers I’m not sure how many people he would have told about our situation. I would put money on it being a lot less than a million.

His normal life, which was only normal in the way it was normal to him, like mine had been to me, had suddenly been replaced by chaos. There was nothing average, regular, typical, sane or right about our lives now. Normality by our own definition or by anyone else’s was long gone.

All I could think of was him, and the people he knew giving him advice on what he should do. It was as any friends would do, only for Joe, everyone knew the situation whether he wanted them to or not. He didn’t have to talk to them, he didn’t have to moan, they all knew what was going on. I’d not only robbed him of me, but I’d also robbed him of his privacy. Just as George had done to me. How on earth could I ever expect him to forgive me? I couldn’t forgive myself.

All I could think was that when finally I was able to take the paternity test, we’d find the baby was Joe’s and he’d forgive me because he admitted he still loved me and I would be the mother of his child. On the other hand, the reason I couldn’t find the courage was because if the child wasn’t Joe’s, then I would lose him for ever. ‘Please be Joe’s,’ I said to my bump, wishing it could be that easy.

Imogen found me lying on the sofa, trying to make sense of the situation.

‘Joe will come back,’ she said matter-of-factly.

‘How do you know, you’ve never met Joe.’ I didn’t mean to snap but my temper was frayed.

‘I know, I just do. I can see in you the way I felt when I met Jack and I know that he feels the same. He’s angry now, but he won’t always be. Anger can’t last for ever you know.’

‘You think?’ I looked at her, my sister. She reached out and stroked my hair, an action I found so comforting and unreal. Imogen had never reached out to me like that, emotionally or physically.

‘I do. Anger wears you out, that’s why it’s good, and when you’re tired you feel it ebb away, until the anger is gone, and what’s left is a feeling of serenity.’

‘Well I’ll look forward to it.’ I wasn’t convinced but I was too tired to argue.

‘Trust me, Hol, I know.’ I looked at my sister and not for the first time wondered how much there was that I didn’t know about her. It began to occur to me that there would have been so much she didn’t know about me until now. Joe was right, the press had made our lives public; George had made our lives public.

‘You mean...did you have an affair?’ I asked, realising that the conversation was no longer about me.

‘No, Jack did.’

‘He what?’ I was incredulous. Jack, the passive, successful, loving, devoted husband had cheated on her. ‘Why didn’t you say?’

‘Because we wanted to keep it out of the public arena. I know Jack isn’t exactly a celebrity, but he does attract his share of publicity. Anyway, it was hardly an affair, it was a one-night stand.’

‘I’d have killed him.’

‘Like Joe should have killed you.’

‘Touché.’

‘Anyway, I was angry, so angry, but eventually the anger subsided and I realised I still loved him and so I forgave him.’

‘Was it that easy?’

‘No, it wasn’t easy at all, and it took a long time. I made a decision, but it still affects us. Remember I said about not being sure about a baby, that’s one of the reasons. I don’t think he’ll do it again, I really don’t, but it made everything feel unstable, and I still haven’t fully recovered.’

‘Immi, I wish you felt you could talk to me.’

‘I didn’t. I do now though, somehow, now I feel I can tell you anything.’

After that revelation, Imogen went to phone Jack and I went to bed. It was strange how I felt angry at Jack, yet he’d done what I did. But he was married, but then again I loved Joe, so did the fact he was married make it worse? No, of course it didn’t. I suppose I realised that it was easier to make a mistake than you would think, and I also knew that although love was wonderful, it made people miserable. The way we were able to hurt the people we loved was sad. It shouldn’t be that way. We should only make them happy. I wondered as I drifted into sleep if I would ever make Joe happy again.

*

I woke the following morning, feeling slightly sick. The way you feel when you wake up not entirely ready to welcome the day, but you’re too sleepy to know why. It soon became clear. Today I would tell George that I was pregnant and I would also tell him that there was a chance he was the father. Oh, joyous day.

Because I was going to the office I went straight to the bathroom and showered, then once I’d dressed, I went to get some breakfast. The familiarity of the morning routine made me feel better. So many days with nowhere to go had taken their toll. Imogen was sitting in the kitchen nursing a cup of tea.

‘Are you all right?’ I asked, putting on the kettle.

‘Yes, I didn’t sleep so well. It’s not always good to stir things up you know.’

‘I know.’ I squeezed her arm. ‘So, what are you going to do today?’

‘Jack’s coming up.’

‘Really?’

‘I told him that I missed him and he’s coming up for the day. He can’t stay over because he’s working flat out on his new book, but it’s nice of him to come up for lunch isn’t it.’

‘It is. Immi, you can go home, I don’t want you to feel that you have to stay.’

‘I don’t feel that, I want to stay. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’

‘I hope so.’ I trailed off thinking about Joe again. That would be the sort of thing he would have done for me. He would have come to wherever I was just for lunch, just to see me. My eyes filled with tears.

‘Hey, Hol, what’s wrong?’

‘Apart from the usual?’

‘Point taken. Come on, I’ll make you some toast and then pack you off to the office. And if you say again I’m like mum I’ll slap you.’

I got to the office to be greeted like a long lost relative.

‘Thank fuck you’re here, Freddie is driving me mad,’ Dixie said as she threw her arms around me. ‘I can’t believe how round you look,’ she finished.

‘Thanks lovely, I’ve missed you too.’ I hugged everyone else, except one guy I didn’t recognise.

‘I’m Zig,’ he said.

‘Hi, I’m Holly.’ He nodded at me as if he knew me.

‘He’s freelance, helping out,’ Freddie explained, as he whisked me into Francesca’s office. Even though my job was safe and I was being given work to do, I felt like an outsider. I more or less ran the office but now it had one additional person I’d never even met, interviewed or hired. The fact that he was temporary didn’t matter. It wasn’t how it used to be, I didn’t like the fact that my role had changed and it had changed not because any of us wanted it to, but it simply had to. George had a lot to answer for. At times I would have loved to wring his bloody neck.

Freddie presented me with the press release that he’d drafted. It was short and to the point. I didn’t feel that I could add anything that would make me look better but I took it to my desk. I telephoned all my clients, first to explain the situation to them. Most were sympathetic, however
Zoom
sounded positively thrilled. ‘Do you think that next time you’re being asked something you might mention us by name?’

‘I’ll do my best.’ I shook my head. I could just imagine it. I’m pregnant, unsure of the father, but I smell nice because
Zoom
Deodorant
are one of my clients. Francesca was right, my clients seemed to think that bad publicity was better than no publicity. Which was lucky because otherwise they probably would have demanded I resign their accounts. I determined then that I would mention my clients in the press release. George wasn’t the only one who could exploit the media. Even if it was reluctant exploitation on my part, I owed them for sticking by me.

‘Freddie,’ I called over to where he was in conversation with Sarah.

‘Yes,’ he shouted back.

‘I want to make a few adjustments.’ I took the press release over to Sarah’s computer and started typing.

‘Holly.’ Freddie was laughing at me. ‘They’re not going to print that.’

‘They might,’ I replied, as I hit the save key.

All I had done was inserted a paragraph, in the middle, listing all my clients. They were standing by me and they could have deserted me. They could have taken away my job. They could have left me up shit creek.

‘Well at least we might salvage something. I was going to suggest you front the new
Zoom
campaign: “In times of extreme stress,
Zoom
keeps you dry”.’ Freddie fell about laughing.

‘Don’t even joke about it. If you suggested it to them they’d probably go for it.’

I looked at the open-plan office. All the team were working intently as they always did but snatching surreptitious glances at me. I presumed they were unable to resist looking at their tabloid, pregnant, absentee boss. I looked at the computer monitors, the walls covered with press cuttings, the cluttered bookshelves. I looked around and I knew that I wanted to be back there; it was my second home.

‘Let’s go to lunch before you call George,’ Freddie suggested.

‘OK.’ Anything to put it off. I remember when I was at school, just before my A levels I was supposed to be revising but I would rather do anything but. I would polish my shoes, sort out my underwear drawer, I think I even washed my dad’s car; rather than work. It felt like that now, but I didn’t have my underwear drawer handy.