Authors: Mitchel Grace
“I
don’t understand. How have I made you into something you’re not?”
“I
don’t cheat, Eric, and I don’t lie to the people I love and tell them that I’m off
in Cancun when I’m really hooking up with an old boyfriend. I certainly don’t
let my mother talk me into an abortion because my boyfriend isn’t ready to be a
father. With you, I’m different. That scares me. I still feel like an innocent
church girl inside, but thanks to what we have, I know that’s not true. We’ve
done terrible things that there’s no coming back from. I think you’re bad for
me, but you’re my best friend. I think you give me the strength to do what I
really want. I just don’t know if that’s a good thing yet.”
“How
do I give you the strength to do what you want? It’s not like you want to quit
school to move here, and I know you didn’t want to have an abortion.”
“Eric,
I thought you really knew me. I cheated on Richard when you came back to
Wisconsin because I truly desired to kiss you that night. I’m here now doing
the same thing because it’s what I want. I’m even regretting going into the
medical field now. It’s everything I dreamed of, but it also takes up so much of
my time that I don’t feel like there’s anything else to my life but school. As
for my decision not to keep our child, I think I used your fear to justify my
own. I was scared, and when I saw that you felt the same way, I thought it
validated my feelings. I did what I believed we both wanted at the time. It was
a mistake, and I don’t want to keep making mistakes. This is difficult to say,
but sometimes it feels like all we’re doing is making the wrong choices. You’re
wrapped up in Emmitt’s world, and I’m considering quitting on a lifelong dream.
Doesn’t that sound wrong, and how can I call myself a decent person when I’m
cheating on a man who actually loves me? We’re bad for each other, but I think
I might be all right with that as long as we’re together.”
“That’s
a lot to take in. I didn’t realize how bad things were. I always thought of our
story as a bit sweeter. The main thing I remember is when we were fourteen. I
can see how all of this is a little messed up, though. I’m sorry that I don’t
bring out the best in you. I should be better. I’m not ever going to regret you
leaving Richard when we were sixteen or even you being here right now, though.
Our story is flawed, but it’s ours. I love every part of it, even if there are
some bad parts in it. I’m not going to let you quit on your dreams, though. I
know school can be hard, but you want to be a doctor one day, and you will be.
I can’t let you give up on your dreams to be with me.”
“So
that’s it then. This trip will be it for us.”
“No,
I won’t let it be. We’re going to treat this like it’s the end, and I’m going
to love you the way I always should have, but it’s not over. You’re going to
become a doctor, and I’m going to find success here. After it’s all over, I’ll
find my way back to you. We’re going to make our dreams come true and then be
together. I promise. Now, how about we concentrate on the only thing that
really matters today? I have a very romantic day planned out for us. I’m going
to make the next thirteen days the best we’ve ever had.”
Olivia
smiled and nodded, but there was a deep sadness in her. She had made her
decision. This was goodbye. Thirteen passion filled days were in store for us,
but after that, it was over. For the first time, she had made the right choice.
It was painful, and it seemed wrong, but her dreams mattered more than I did back
then. If only we had known the future. I would have followed her back to
Wisconsin to insure that things happened exactly as they should have. We live
and learn, though, and I still had a lot of learning to do before I could ever
be good enough for the woman I loved with all of me.
Letting
My Heart Go
Twelve
days passed in no time. Our odd conversation at dinner was an afterthought in
what quickly became the best stretch of days that either of us had experienced.
We had loved as the best couples do, joked as friends, and enjoyed some of the
finest food and drinks that Miami had to offer. It had been the perfect time.
We didn’t have much longer left, though, and as I woke up on that final day, I
felt her in my arms. I held her a little tighter than usual. I think I was
scared that if I didn’t she would be gone in an instant. I wanted Olivia right
where she was forever. As far as I was concerned, no one would ever love
her the
way I did. She was better there with me. At the same
time, she
did
have a point at dinner
twelve days earlier. I had been the catalyst to the worst decisions of her
life. I could honestly say that no one could ever love her more than me, but I
couldn’t say I made her a better person, or even that I was a decent man anymore.
How could I ask her to stay with me when I knew in my heart that I wasn’t good
for her? It would be selfish, or so I told myself.
As
she woke up and rolled over, I gave Olivia a soft kiss and slid my hands down
her arms to her hips. I was going to miss every part of her. Her taste, touch,
and gentle smile set every part of me on fire. When I had her next to me, the
rest of the world felt like it could wait.
“I
wish we could stay like this forever. I can’t believe this is the last day,”
Olivia said.
“I
can’t either. I don’t want to think about that, though. I just want you right
here beside me all day,” I said and kissed her neck.
“Eric,
do you remember the first time you saw me?”
“Of
course.”
“Do
you have any idea what I was thinking then?”
“Probably
what’s up with the weird kid who’s staring at me? Who knows what you were
thinking when the cars hit me?”
“No.
I felt an instant connection the first time I looked into your eyes. I never
said it because it was more fun to let you think I was just kissing you to pay
you back for almost getting you killed, but the truth was that I wanted you to
come talk to me that day. I will admit that after you got hit by the cars, I
knew you could make me laugh, too,” she joked.
“I’m
just glad I don’t have to get hit by a car every time I need to get a laugh out
of you.”
“Where
do you think we would be right now if you hadn’t tried to come visit me that
day?”
“I
don’t know. The first real conversation I had with my uncle was about you and
getting hit by those cars. I bonded with him because he encouraged me to talk
to you even after I embarrassed myself. For all I know, I might have never met
you or gotten close enough to my aunt and uncle to ask them if I could live
there after my parents got into trouble. You might have changed everything
about my life. I kind of feel bad.”
“Why
would you feel bad right now?”
“I
think you’ve always made me better. You gave me confidence when I had none, and
you gave my uncle a reason to talk to me. Without you, I might have always felt
like an outsider, and worse, I probably never would have bonded with two people
who became more of a family to me than my own parents. Look at how I affect
you, though. I’ve been the driving force of some of the worst decisions in your
life. I wish I could say that I made your life as good as you’ve made mine.”
“I
think I was a little harsh at dinner a few days ago. I’ve made a lot of bad
choices, and it’s easy to blame you for that. The blame lies with me, though.
All you’ve
ever
given me is more love
than I deserved. Now, stop concentrating on what’s wrong, and concentrate on me
in this exact moment. I’m here, and you’re here. No past choices matter or even
if this is a mistake. I’m right where I want to be, and I hope you are, too,”
she said and kissed me.
As
she rolled me over and got on top of me, it felt like the world faded away.
Every negative thought was replaced with nothing short of complete perfection,
and when she looked down at me with that same beautiful smile she had mesmerized
me with many other times, it happened. I realized for the first time
who
the person looking down at me was. She was my best
friend, the future mother of my children, and the only person I could never
forget. She was far from perfect, and God knows I wasn’t a saint, but this was
right on every level. It was destiny because I had decided it had to be. This
was a woman who had the power to make me the happiest man on earth or
completely destroy me in every way. With every touch and kiss, I fell deeper
into something that I didn’t understand. This wasn’t lust, and to simply call
it love wouldn’t do it service. She was my purpose. Deep down I knew that then.
I was only on earth to love this woman. We stayed in bed that whole day. You
can debate whether it was right or wrong. God knows I’ve wondered many times. I
finally settled on the perfect term for what we did back then. It was wrong,
and it was a betrayal to the man she was supposed to be with. At the same time,
it was love mixed with complete ecstasy. It was the
perfect
sin.
When
night came and we were left with nothing but a reminder that it was too late to
do anything other than sleep, a great emptiness came over both of us. Olivia
had to catch an early flight the next morning. Our time had been amazing, but
it was coming to a close. We would sleep, and then the next morning, we would
only have time to get ready and drive to the airport. After that, she would be
gone.
“This
sucks, doesn’t it?” she asked.
“Yeah.
I don’t know how I’m going to manage without you.”
“You’ll
be fine. I’m the one who’s worried. I’m going back to a man who can’t make me
laugh or love the way you can. I think I’m just starting to realize that I’m
always going to be looking for someone who can give me what only you do. You,
on the other hand, will probably have another girl in this bed a week after I’m
gone.”
“First
of all, no woman will ever compare to you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever
loved. That’s not going to change. I’ll make you a promise, if you’ll make me
one.”
“Okay,
tell me what it is first.”
“I’ll
never bring a single soul back to this room. The last woman to ever be here
with me will be the woman who should have been here from the start. In return,
I want you to stop trying with a person you’re not meant to be with. Let
Richard go. He didn’t make you happy in high school, and you wouldn’t be here
if you were happy now. Find your happiness with someone who can be what you
need. I personally believe the only one who can love you the way you deserve is
me
, but all I really want is your happiness. Try to
find at least a little bit of it until I can find my way back to you again.”
“So
you want me to give up a relationship, and in return, all you have to do is
stop sleeping with bimbos. You know that’s something you shouldn’t have been
doing to begin with, right?”
“I’m
telling you that I won’t be with anyone else, if you’ll just give up on Richard
and try to find what really makes you happy.”
“You
realize that in that scenario I might date people besides Richard while you’re
alone here, right?”
“I’ve
found the only woman who can make me happy. I’m just banking on her realizing
that I’m the only one who can give her everything she deserves. What do you
say? Will you make that deal with me?”
“I
will. Richard and I are officially done. I’ll probably give it a little while
before I break it off to let him get out of the depression he’s been in. I
don’t want to put him through more right now because I don’t know if he could
take it, but I promise you that I’ll break up with him before the end of the month,
no matter what.”
“Great.
Now, we should probably get some sleep,” I said and slid my arms around her.
“I
don’t want to sleep. I can get some rest on the plane. The moment we close our
eyes, it’s like we’re saying goodbye. I’m not ready for this to be over.”
“So
what do you want to do?”
“I
want to talk all night about anything but our future.”
“Why
wouldn’t we talk about the future?”
“It
scares me. What if you’re not a part of that future? How will I deal with that?
You might not realize it, but a large part of myself feels like it’s gone when
you’re not around.”
“That
part will always come back because I’m not letting you get away from me in the
long run, so don’t worry about that for one second. What else do you want to
talk about, though?”
“How
about your parents? I haven’t asked about them since I’ve been here.”
“What
about them?”
“You’ve
been back in town for a year. Has it been nice to reconnect with them?”
“What
makes you think I’ve even visited them?”
“You
haven’t? I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you go see your mom and dad?”
“They
let us down. My sister and I thought of them as one way for so many years, and
then they turned out to be totally different people. We didn’t even know them.
I guess I just don’t want to face my parents when they’re going to look like
strangers to me. Catherine goes to see them all the time, but I just can’t.”
“I
understand, but ask yourself something. Does what they did really make them bad
people?”
“Of
course it does. They were hiding money for drug dealers.”
“You’re
hiding money, and you’re not exactly a saint.”
“Are
you comparing me to my parents?”
“No,
I just want to prove a point. When I first came here, I saw a boy I didn’t know
anymore. I saw your actions and assumed that they completely defined everything
about you, but there was more. You were still that same person I fell in love
with, and when I understood why you were doing all of this, I got it. I don’t
approve of what you’re doing here, but didn’t you say you were doing it so we
might have the future we’re dreaming of?”
“Yeah,
but how is that the same?”
“They
did a lot of questionable things, but they did it all to give your family a
better life. It was wrong, but should that action really define everything
about them?”
“I
see what you’re saying, but it’s not that simple for me.”
“I
understand, but Eric, you’re not in a good position to judge someone. In truth,
none of us are. All I’m saying is you should give them a chance to prove that
they’re the mom and dad you used to know. Promise me you’ll do that at least
once. I lost one of my parents, and I wish I could have him back every day of
my life. If I could talk to him one more time, it wouldn’t matter where it was.
A jail cell conversation would be heaven for me.”
“You’re
right, and I’ll do it. Can I ask you for a favor in return?”
“Sure.
I think that’s fair.”
“You
hated your mom for keeping your dad’s letters from you, and then after she
convinced you to give up our child, you hated her even more. She did a lot of
things wrong, but she’s the only parent you have left. I know you talk to her,
but I don’t think you’ve really had a relationship with her for years. Really
talk to your mom when you get home, and try to find a way to forgive her.”
“You
strike a hard bargain, but that’s fair. It’s time for me to talk to her and
make things right.”
“Why
not do it now?”
“Are
you serious? It’s already eleven.”
“Oh,
come on. You know your mom will be up. Besides, she’s just a phone call away. I
would love to know that after all the bad I’ve pulled you into over the years,
I helped you repair at least one part of your life.”
“You’ve
helped me repair plenty in my life. I don’t know if I would’ve ever gotten by
without you after my dad died. Do you really think I should do this now?”
“There’s
no better moment than the present.”
“What
would I say?”
“Whatever
you want to. Express how you think she wronged you, and then forgive her. That
should be a good start.”
“I
don’t know if I can do that.”
“I’m
positive you can. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but I think it
would be a good thing.”
“All
right, but be quiet,” she said and grabbed her phone.
I
could only hear one side of the conversation, and it started out a little
rough, but I could tell that I had made the right decision to ask her to call
her mother.
“Mom,
we need to talk. We’ve needed to for a while . . . I’m calling to tell you that
I’m still so angry with you. I’m mad that you kept my dad’s letters and calls
from me. You robbed me of a chance to know my father when he only had a little
time left. I’m also angry that you encouraged me to have an abortion when you
knew it wasn’t a decision I would ever be able to live with. That one decision
haunts me daily. I blame myself, but I also don’t understand how you didn’t
think I should have your grandchild. In some ways, I hate you. I think it’s
time for me to let go of that hate, though. We’ve both made mistakes, and
although I’ll never understand some of your decisions or my inability to fight
for what I knew was right, I still love you. I still want a relationship with
you. You’re the only parent I have left, and sometimes I just wish things could
be like they used to be with us. I love you, and when I come home, we’re going to
start fresh. Our mistakes won’t matter any longer. I’m not messing up my life
anymore, and I hope that you’ll make the best of what I’m offering. I want you
to be my mother and my friend again. I can’t stand for it to be any other way.
I’ve been angry for long enough . . . I love you, Mom. I’ll see you tomorrow,”
Olivia said with tears in the corners of her eyes.