Disinformation Book of Lists (14 page)

1.
The Doors

2.
The Grateful Dead

3.
The Jefferson Airplane

4.
The Kingsmen

Somewhat famously, the FBI was obsessed with the Kingsmen's version of “Louie, Louie,” which they turned into a garage rock classic with nearly unintelligible lyrics. Hoover's boys were convinced that it was a filthy song subverting America's youth. In fact, the FBI Laboratory was tasked with deciphering the words, never mind the unimportant stuff like solving murders and kidnappings. They never were able to break the code, but they took several hilarious stabs at it. In every instance, they thought the second line of the second verse contained the phrase “fuck you girl” or “fuck your girl.” The actual line is, “Me think of girl constantly.” The FBI's finest minds also heard lines like, “She's never a girl I'd lay at home,” “She had a rag on, I moved above,” “Every night and day I play with my thing,” and, “Hey, you bitch.” (That last line is really, “Me see Jamaica.”)

Here in reality, “Louie Louie”—written and originally performed by rhythm and bluesman Richard Berry is sung from the point of view of a Jamaican guy telling a bartender named Louie how he wants to get back to his girl. It's so tame that you could literally play it to a five-year-old without worrying. Whether or not the Kingsmen added their own off-color lyrics is debatable, but listening closely to their version while reading the original lyrics indicates that they were faithful to Berry's creation.

5.
Kiss

6.
The Monkees

All list items are taken verbatim from FBI form FD-140: “Application for Employment, Federal Bureau of Investigation.”

1

used marijuana during the last 3 years

2

used marijuana more than 15 times

3

used an illegal drug or combination of illegal drugs, other than marijuana, more than 5 times

4

used an illegal drug or combination of illegal drugs, other than marijuana, during the last 10 years

5

sold an illegal drug for profit

6

used an illegal drug while employed in a law enforcement or prosecutorial position or while in a position of high-level responsibility of public trust

7

failed an FBI polygraph examination regarding prior drug use, even if the extent of use would not have been disqualifying

8

failed an FBI polygraph examination regarding truthfulness/candor on an FBI employment application

9

failed an FBI polygraph examination regarding contact with non-US Intelligence Services

1

Have you ever been fired from a job?

2

Have you ever left a job by mutual agreement following allegations of misconduct?

3

Did you register with the Selective Service System as required?

4

What foreign countries have you visited?

5

Have you or members of your immediate family, including in-laws, been employed by or acted as a consultant for a foreign government, firm, or agency?

6

Have you engaged in acts or activities designed to overthrow the United States Government by force?

7

Have you ever been over 120 days delinquent on any debt(s) or had any debt placed for collection?

8

Are you a licensed motorcycle driver?

9

Where was your sister's spouse born?

10

Are you now of have you ever been a member of a foreign or domestic organization, association, movement, group, or combination of persons that is totalitarian, fascist, communist, or subversive?

11

Are you aware of any information about yourself or anyone with whom you are or have been closely associated (including relatives and roommates) that tends to reflect unfavorably on your reputation, morals, character, abilities, or loyalty to the United States?

12

If appointed as a Special Agent, do you agree to serve a minimum of three years, and do you clearly understand that you must be available for an assignment wherever your services are needed?

13

Do you use alcohol? To what extent?

14

Have you or any member of your family ever suffered from, or been treated for, any form of mental illness, insanity, epilepsy, been mentally retarded, or had psychiatric consultation of any kind?

15

Do you have any physical defects, including any which would preclude unrestricted, regular participation in all phases of the Bureau's firearms training, physical training, and defensive tactics?

16

Have you ever been declared bankrupt?

17

How did you become interested in Bureau employment?

As of the beginning of 2004, these are the oldest classified documents in possession of the National Archives and Records Administration. If you're wondering how 85-year-old information on naval mines and German invisible ink can still represent such a threat to the republic that it must remain top-secret, you're not alone.

1

memo: Heingelman to Marlenck (October 30, 1917)

2

report: “Detection of Secret Ink” (January 1, 1918)

3

pamphlet on invisible photography and writing, synthetic ink, and other topics (January 1, 1918)

4

“US Naval Mines, Mine Anchor, Mark VI” (January 26, 1918)

5

report: “Secret Inks” (March 16, 1918)

6

“US Naval Mines, Mine Anchor, Mark VI” (May 1, 1918)

7

Ordnance Pamphlet 575: “Enemy Mines” (June 1, 1918)

8
9

report: “German Secret Ink Formula” (June 14, 1918) (one-page and three-page versions)

10

Ordnance Pamphlet 643: “Mine Mark VI and Mods., Description and Operation” (January 1, 1938)

Thanks to Michael Ravnitzky

+ War and Peace

1

“He has not developed any significant capability with respect to weapons of mass destruction. He is unable to project conventional power against his neighbors.”

–Secretary of State Colin Powell, referring to Saddam Hussein, February 24, 2001

2

“But in terms of Saddam Hussein being there, let's remember that his country is divided, in effect. He does not control the northern part of his country. We are able to keep arms from him. His military forces have not been rebuilt.”

–National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, explaining why Hussein's Iraq is not a threat, July 29, 2001

3

“Fuck Saddam. We're taking him out.”

– President George W. Bush, in March 2002, a year before the Iraq invasion (a period when he claims he hadn't yet decided how to handle Hussein)

4

“Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction.”

–Vice President Dick Cheney, August 26, 2002

5

“From a marketing point of view, you don't introduce new products in August.”

–White House Chief of Staff Andy Card, on why the Bush Administration waited until September 2002 to start selling the public on an Iraq attack, September 7, 2002

6

“There is no doubt that he has chemical weapons stocks. We destroyed some after the Gulf War with the inspection regime, but there is no doubt in our mind that he still has chemical weapons stocks and he has the capacity to produce more chemical weapons. With respect to biological weapons, we are confident that he has some stocks of those weapons and he is probably continuing to try to develop more.”

–Secretary of State Powell, referring to Hussein, September 8, 2002.

7

“Iraq probably has stocked at least 100 metric tons and possibly as much as 500 metric tons of CW [chemical warfare] agents.”

–Central Intelligence Agency, October 2002

8

“In defiance of pledges to the UN it has stock-piled biological and chemical weapons. It is rebuilding the facilities used to make those weapons. UN inspectors believe that Iraq could have produced enough biological and chemical agent to kill millions of people.”

–President Bush, October 2, 2002

9

“Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised.”

–President Bush, March 17, 2003

10

“I have always said to people throughout that…our aim has been the elimination of weapons of mass destruction.”

–UK Prime Minister Tony Blair, March 25, 2003

11

“The president has made very clear that the reason why we are in Iraq is to find weapons of mass destruction. The fact that we haven't found them in seven or eight days doesn't faze me one little bit. Very clearly, we need to find this stuff or people are going to be asking questions.”

–Assistant Secretary of State for Nonproliferation John Wolf, March 30, 2003

12

“We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.”

–Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, referring to Iraq's alleged WMD, March 30, 2003

13

“There is evidence that this war was planned well in advance.”

–Hans Blix, UN Chief Weapons Inspector, April 9, 2003

14

“We have high confidence that they have weapons of mass destruction. This is what this war was about and is about. And we have high confidence it will be found.”

–White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, April 14, 2003

15

“We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories…They're illegal. They're against the United Nations resolutions, and we've so far discovered two. And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong. We found them.”

–President Bush, lying about two weather balloon-inflating stations found in Iraq, May 29, 2003 (he never made this claim again)

16

“I feel like I've died and gone to hell…. On my good days, I feel like maybe we're at least doing something worthwhile for these people. There aren't many good days. On my bad days, I feel like getting my machine gun and opening up on every one of them.”

–Lori, a US Army private stationed in Baghdad, August 2003

17

“Please refrain from writing press releases highlighting killing the enemy.”

–Capt. Perry Jarmon, of the Combined Joint Task Force, in an email to a military public relations flak in Iraq, circa October 15, 2003. (Jarmon accidentally sent his email to several prominent media outlets.)

18

“They used me as a way to symbolize all this stuff. It hurt in a way that people would make up stories that they had no truth about.”

–Private Jessica Lynch, on the myths about her capture and rescue spun by the military and media, November 7, 2003

19

“I think in this case international law stood in the way of doing the right thing.”

–Defense Policy Board member Richard Perle, admitting that the Iraq invasion was illegal, November 19, 2003. (Perle is a leading neoconservative hawk who loudly beat the drum for an Iraq attack.)

20

“With a heavy dose of fear and violence, and a lot of money for projects, I think we can convince these people that we are here to help them.”

–Lt. Colonel Nathan Sassaman, stationed in Abu Hishma, Iraq, December 7, 2003

21

“Any indication that something like that happened would be a very serious matter. But I want to be very clear: we don't, at this point, have any indications that I would consider credible and firm that that has taken place, but we will tie down every lead.”

–National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, squelching the silly theory that Iraq shipped its WMD to Syria right before the invasion, January 9, 2004

22

“There's plenty of blame to go around. The main problem was that the senior administration officials have what I call faith-based intelligence. They knew what they wanted the intelligence to show. They were really blind and deaf to any kind of countervailing information the intelligence community would produce. I would assign some blame to the intelligence community and most of the blame to the senior administration officials.”

–Greg Thielmann, former director of the Office of Strategic Proliferation and Military Affairs in the State Department, February 4, 2004

23

“There was never a clear and present danger. There was never an imminent threat. Iraq—and we have very good intelligence on this—was never part of the picture of terrorism.”

–Mel Goodman, a veteran CIA analyst who now teaches at the National War College