“Why?” She asked breathlessly. “Why are you so certain?”
“I would know.” I closed my eyes. “If I were living in a world where Calix didn’t, I would know. My soul - it would know.”
“How do we find him?”
“You have to get me out of the house.” I whispered, feeling that little ember of hope begin to burn. “You have to get me away from Dad.”
She nodded. “It’s going to take a few days, Nova.” Jaylah announced. “You haven’t let anyone in since you came home.”
“Since I came back.” I corrected. “This isn’t my home anymore, Jaylah. The only home I have is where Calix is. Wherever he is, is where my home is.”
“But what about us?”
I shook my head. “I love you, Jay. I love all of you, but I am in love with Calix. He’s the father of my child,
the man I chose to marry
. Jaylah, I need to be with him.”
Again, a tear fell. Then, she sniffled as she cleared her face of her tears to nod determinedly at me. “I understand.” She breathed out deeply. “You’re going to have to start letting me in around Dad. You’re going to have to start showing comfort in me, and only me, so that he’ll trust that I’m helping you heal, alright?”
I nodded. I’d do anything to get back to Calix. “One thing, can you get me a disposable phone?”
“Why?” She frowned. “Use mine if you want to call someone.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. You know Dad isn’t just a soldier in the military, Jaylah. He’s a part of the Navy SEALS and I’m willing to bet he’s high up on the ladder of ranks. He’d know if I used your phone to call Calix. I need something untraceable.”
Blowing a deep breath out from her lungs, she nodded. “Okay.”
I watched as my younger sister stood to pace the length of the porch. I couldn’t count how many times her hand moved to run through her hair, or how many times she scrubbed her face, but in the end, when she finally stopped pacing - determination was a fire in her eyes.
***
It’s been three days since I opened up to Jaylah. At first, my heart had beaten an unsteady rhythm of insecurity at the possibility that she might just reveal everything to our father. I’d spent the night panicking that the fire of hope I’d cultured in my heart would be snuffed out in one painful swipe. I was terrified that the only person I felt I could trust would turn on me. But that was just it - Jaylah was the only person I could trust.
My little sister, Amy, was far too young to be brought into the reality that had become my life to even consider her as a confidant in this very messy situation. My mother was loyal to my father, and confused as to how I could possibly be in love with the man who had caused our small family such devastating pain - so trusting her would be foolish. And my father, well, trusting my father with my feelings in regards to Calix was simply impractical. The man wanted me to abort the life Calix had helped to grow inside of me.
That left me with Jaylah. In a home where the walls had only known trust and openness, I could trust only one person with my secrets. And it wasn’t even real trust. It was trust by default.
In the end, I didn’t know for which side Jaylah would fight.
Shifting in my bed, I groaned as the morning light streamed in through the bedroom window. Every time I looked at the bedroom window, I was brought back to that night.
The night I was taken.
My eyes glazed over as my mind replayed that night. My heart beat quickly in my chest, just as it had the fateful night I was stolen. I could feel it thumping against its cage, it’s pulse so demanding and infectious, I felt it jumping in my throat, constricting my airways. It drummed in my ears. My hands were clammy and sticky as my fingers curled into the sheets and a sheen of sweat broke out over my body, as I held tight to the fabric beneath my body.
There was no one there in the room with me, but my legs kicked out hard, beating at the blankets covering my flesh until they were bared. Golden light kissed my flesh from the morning sun, but my mind saw something else, something cooler and dark. White light stained my insipid skin as the glimmer from the moon poured like liquid death between the crack in the curtains, and I felt my mouth fly open as a scream caught in the back of my throat.
I saw his hand, the man who’d held my screams inside, as he whispered promises of death into my ear. I didn’t know his name. He was nameless, but he ruled my nightmares. Since I’d been brought back home, I’d seen him in those fleeting moments where reality and dream meet. And every time, he scared the living daylights out of me.
My door swung open and the image of his face disappeared as Jaylah’s face came into focus. Her hands were on my shoulders and my body was shaking - she was shaking me. “Nova!”
I blinked. “What?”
Relief washed over her face as she dropped her body onto the edge of my bed. “You scared me.” I watched as she wiped her face with the back of her hand, as though to wipe away sweat from a tedious workout. “What was that?”
I shook my head, slowly lifting myself into a sitting position against the wall. As I brought my knees into my chest, I hugged my arms around my legs and forced myself to remain still. There was one thing I had come to realize; rocking was comforting - for the rocker only.
The steady sway back and forth was soothing. I mean, we’re rocked from infancy. It would make total sense that rocking be an act of instinct to work out the kinks in ones nerves. I’d been rocking since I’d returned home. But in the last few days, after realizing I had something to hope for, I’d realized just how uncomfortable people became when someone around them succumbed to the comforts of a steady rocking. So, I made a conscious effort to stop myself from rocking when the very innocent instinct arose.
Clearing the frog from my throat, I spoke. “What was what?”
“Your face,” Jaylah turned to look at me. “Jesus, Nova, your mouth was open wide - like you were screaming.” She shook her head as though to rid her mind of the image seared there. “But no sound was coming out.”
“Oh.”
“Well?” She cocked her head. “What was it?”
“A nightmare.”
“Of what?” Her back straightened. “Him? Were you dreaming of him? Calix?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Not Calix.”
“Who?” She demanded in a low hissing sound that sent creepy crawlies all over my skin. “Who could make you scream like that?”
“Do you really want me to answer these questions, Jay?” I sighed. “I know you blamed yourself - for not waking when I was being taken.”
Her face paled and for a moment, I thought I’d changed her mind about wanting the truth. Then, she nodded. “I want to know. I might have been feeling guilty, but you were living it. I want to know.”
The guilt drowning the bright light in Jaylah’s eyes was enough to snap me into big sister mode. Before I knew it, I’d pushed myself from the wall to capture her thin face in between my frail hands. “Listen to me right now, Jay.” I spoke close to her face and she stiffened in surprise, but she didn’t pull away. “You have nothing to feel guilty about. I didn’t fight them - the night they took me - I never fought. When I woke up to them in my bedroom, I let them walk me from the house without any bit of a struggle. You didn’t wake up,
because I didn’t want you to wake up
!” I tightened my hands on her face. “Do you understand me?”
The white of her face turned a sickly yellow color, and I knew she was confused and ill by my admission. “Why, Nova?” A tear slipped from her eye. “Why wouldn’t you fight? Why would you let strange men take you from our house?”
“Because I love you. I love my family, and I didn’t want to take the risk that if one of you woke and found them in our house, kidnapping me, that they would kill you. So I walked out, willingly.”
“But,”
I shook my head. “No! We’re not discussing this anymore, Jaylah.” I softened my voice. “It happened and we’re moving on. We have to move on.”
“I’m sorry.” Her arms moved around my frame, holding me close. “I’m so sorry for everything that has happened and everything that changed. I wish we could go back, Nova.”
I held my baby sister as she cried in my arms. “I don’t wish we could go back.” I stroked her hair. “I’m in love with Calix, Jaylah. I know what it feels like to be so wonderfully drunk off another person. Everything about him calls to me - his scent, the feel of his skin, the taste of his lips - everything.”
She pulled back to look into my face. “I wish I understood what you were feeling.”
I nodded. “I know. But please, just believe me when I tell you I am in love and I want Calix to be the man who raises our baby. He will be a wonderful father, Jaylah, and he wanted this. You don’t know how happy he was when I found out I was pregnant.”
She sniffled as she nodded. Then, she stood on what looked like tired knees. “I came in here to wake you up. I talked to Dad about taking you out today. He wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but since you’ve been talking to me, he decided to let me try.” She shifted awkwardly. “He gave me money to take you shopping for - clothes.”
I frowned. “Why?”
“Well, you’re almost ten weeks pregnant, Nova. You’re going to start showing soon.”
“But he wants me to get rid of it.” My reply was cold, but I couldn’t help myself. “Why would he pay for clothing?”
Jaylah shrugged. “You’re still his daughter and he wants you to be comfortable. He doesn’t want you to have the baby, but he’s not going to let you have no clothes and you don’t have a job anymore to buy them for yourself.”
I bristled. “If I was still with my husband, he’d buy me the clothing I need.”
Jaylah glanced to the bedroom door. “Get dressed. This is our chance to get out of the house. You’ve got thirty minutes.”
I watched as Jaylah walked from my bedroom, before I realized that she was right. We were leaving the house today. I hadn’t left the house without my mother or father in the six weeks I’d been home. This was my chance. This was what I had been waiting for.
Pushing myself from the bed, I ran for the bathroom to take the world’s quickest shower.
***
I met Jaylah in the living room. I wore a pair of dark skinny jeans that were honestly fitting a bit more snug than I remembered, even though I wasn’t showing quite yet and a soft cream colored knit sweater. I hadn’t bothered with any makeup, but I’d taken the time to run a brush through my hair before blow-drying it.
I sensed my father in the room, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. When he spoke, I flinched.
“Nova, you look good.”
I couldn’t reply, and Jaylah came to my rescue as she lifted herself from the couch cushion to move to my side. She handed me my dusty brown leather jacket and spoke to my parents. “We won’t be home any later than three. Call me if you need anything, I’ll have my cell.”
“You girls be safe.” I heard my father rise from the couch to walk toward us, but I didn’t turn away from the front door. I felt like a dog waiting eagerly to go out on his walk. I felt caged, trapped - at the mercy of another human being. Even when I was with Calix, I’d never felt as though I’d been degraded to the status of an animal. I hated this feeling.
Jaylah placed her hand on the small of my back, pushing me from the house as she assured. “We will.”
Then, I felt the moist air on my face as my booted feet connected with the concrete of the sidewalk as I made my way to the passenger’s side of Jaylah’s small sedan.
As Jaylah pulled out of the driveway, I watched her white knuckled grip on the steering wheel with concerned eyes. Her hands were trembling slightly, and I didn’t know if it was from fear, or adrenaline. However, I did know that I did not like it.
“You alright, Jay?” I asked cautiously.
“Yeah.” She nodded, bobbing her head exaggeratedly. “I’m good.”
For a moment, we sat in silence. And then shrill giggling filled the confines of the little car as laughter bubbled up from her throat.
Stealing a deep breath, I asked. “You sure?”
“Oh my God, Nova, we fooled Dad.” She giggled some more, palming the steering wheel to the beat of her racing heart, I was sure. “I mean, you fooled Dad. You’ve never done anything wrong. Ever. You’re a freaking stepford daughter and you just pulled off the ultimate parent con!” She shook her head. “Damn, Nova, I don’t know whether to think this is awesome or out of this fucking world!”
“Don’t swear, Jay.” I admonished quietly. “It’s unladylike.”
“Unladylike?” Her jaw dropped into her lap. “You’ve swindled me into helping you find your husband who kidnapped you from your bed, and you’re reprimanding me for being unladylike?” She fell into sharp silence, before splitting that very silence with laughter. “Good one, Nova!”
“I’m serious, Jaylah.” I spoke into the window. “It’s not nice to swear.”
“Since when?”
“Since...” my voice trailed off as memories of Calix filled my mind. “I don’t know. Never mind.”
“It’s him, isn’t it? Calix?” Her laughter died. “He didn’t like it when you swore at him, did he?”
“No.” I shook my head. “He didn’t.”
“What a...” she paused. “Wait, you
swore
?”
My eyes swung to glare at my little sister. “Of course I swore, Jaylah. Do you think I was a little angel from the beginning? I wasn’t. I was angry and afraid and then,”
“And then what?” She asked breathlessly.
“And then I wasn’t.”
“Oh.” There was a beat of silence before she asked. “When you weren’t angry and afraid, what were you?”
I met my sister’s eyes with my own. “When I wasn’t angry or afraid of him, I was in love with him.”
Jaylah didn’t say anything else as we drove through the city before arriving at a shopping center. I knew she didn’t understand my love for Calix, and I knew that I could explain it until I was blue in the face, and she still wouldn’t understand. I mean, I wouldn’t understand if I were standing in her shoes.
But the facts were simple, really. I was in love with a man I should fear. I was going to have his child, love his child, and raise his child - and I didn’t want to do this alone. Actually, I didn’t want to do this without
him
.
Calix was the man my future revolved around. I couldn’t imagine allowing the vicious past of our families keep us apart.