Don't Look Back (19 page)

I took them from him. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Us. Our baby. But I don’t want to talk to you out here in the parking lot. Why don’t we go back to your place?”

Even though I was certain he already knew where I lived, I wasn’t about to take him there. “I haven’t had lunch yet. Why don’t we go to the diner and grab a sandwich. We can talk there.”

“Okay. I’ll even buy your lunch,” he said.

We walked across the street and into the diner and found a booth in an area where no one else was sitting. Although I’d kept to myself and hadn’t gotten to know the people who regularly shopped at
Billi’s
, I certainly didn’t want them to overhear any of my conversation with Trevor. In fact, I would prefer if no one saw me with Trevor.

Moments after sitting, a waitress approached our table. My appetite had vanished, but I ordered a chicken salad sandwich anyway. Trevor ordered a cheeseburger and the waitress left.

“You’re looking good, Lily. I like your hair.”

I touched my hair without conscious thought. I’d gotten so used to it being short that I’d forgotten that Trevor hadn’t seen it that way.

“I really hope you’ll allow me to feel our baby kick.”

My hands went to my belly in a protective gesture, unsure if I wanted to let him touch me.

“Do you know what it is?” he asked, an eager look on his face.

Without thinking, I shook my head, then added, “No.” Somehow, keeping this information to myself made the baby seem more mine than his.

“Oh,” he said, obviously disappointed.

Then I thought, do I have the right to keep that information from him? After all, the baby really was his child as much as mine. But I’d already told him no. I didn’t want him to know I’d lied. “How did you find me?” I finally asked.

“With the Internet it’s not too hard to find someone. Especially when you have that person’s social security number.”

“You have my social security number? Where did you get that?”

“I’m not as stupid as you seem to think I am, Lily. Or should I say Kate?”

Of course he would know the name I was going by. If he’d been watching me for any time at all it wouldn’t have taken long to discover my alias. I leaned forward and said softly, “Everyone here knows me as Kate. I’d appreciate it if you’d call me that too.”

“Well look at that. I want something from you and you want something from me. Maybe we can trade.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, suspicious.

“I don’t think it’s asking too much to let me feel our baby move. Do you?”

“Well, since our baby is inside of my body, that would involve you touching me, which I’m not okay with just now.”

“Okay. Well you just let me know when you’re ready, Lily and that’s when I’ll start calling you Kate.”

So far, this meeting was not going very well. I felt off-balance. I needed to gain control. “How’s Amanda doing?”

“How should I know?”

“I thought she was your girlfriend.”

“Like I keep telling you, she’s just a friend.”

“It didn’t look like that way when I saw you kissing her.”

His eyebrows drew together. “And when did this supposedly happen?”

“The day I came to Reno and took back my stuff.”

AT first he didn’t respond, probably trying to come up with an excuse. “Why should I believe you?”

“I know what I saw. You’re not the only who knows how to spy on someone,” I said, starting to feel in control.

“Well, Lily,” he said, exaggerating my name. “I don’t remember kissing her.”

“Just so you know, Trevor,” I said, exaggerating his name. “If someone hears you call me Lily, all bets are off and I’ll have no reason to let you feel the baby move.”

He sat back against the booth, frowning. “Fine. You win that one. But I hope you’ll consider it, at least.”  His voice softened as he said, “That is my child too, you know.”

My heart softened a bit at not only his words but his tone of voice. “We’ll see.” I didn’t want to commit to anything yet.

The waitress arrived and set our food in front of us. I nibbled at my sandwich while Trevor dug into his burger.

“Do you have the divorce papers?” I asked.

Trevor set his food down and swallowed the bite he’d been chewing. “They’re back in my hotel room.”

“What needs to be done for it to be final?”

“I just need your signature, then it will be done.”

His gaze locked on mine and I found that the incredible blue of his eyes still had the power to draw me in.

“Lily.” He shook his head. “Sorry, I mean Kate. It’s not too late, you know. We don’t have to go through with this. We can still be a family. You, me, and our baby.”

He reached across the table and took my hand. Though I wanted to pull my hand away, I found I was hungry for the touch of another person. His hand was warm and strong and for a moment the love I’d had for him washed over me.

“Please. Give me one more chance,” he said.

His eyes matched the tone of his voice and I found myself believing that he really did want to be with me. Gently, I pulled my hand away and rested it in my lap, but the feeling of tenderness lingered.

Though my heart was warming to Trevor, my head knew I needed to be wary. I called up some of the less pleasant times in our marriage to remind myself why I had left. The feelings that came with those memories crowded out the tenderness that had been growing.

“Trevor, you have to understand. The way you treated me killed my love for you, little by little.”

“Are you saying you don’t care about me at all?”

The hurt in his eyes was clear and I found that even though my love for him was damaged, it had not been destroyed.

“I do care about you,” I said. “But it’s not the same as it was before.”

“What do you mean?”

I rubbed my forehead, wondering how much I should say. I didn’t want to open myself up entirely; that would just give him the ammunition he needed to hurt me. “In the beginning I loved you completely. You hadn’t done anything to hurt me yet. And the time leading up to our wedding and right after were wonderful. But soon after the wedding you let your jealousy get in the way of our relationship. Justin and I were never anything but friends, but you couldn’t see that and you imagined that more was going on.”

I noticed that at the mention of Justin’s name, Trevor’s jaw clenched. Obviously he still had issues there.

“You wouldn’t believe me,” I continued, “when I told you it was only you that I loved. Your lack of trust in me ended up pushing me away. But Trevor, the worst was when you hurt me. Physically and emotionally. I can never be with you as long as I think you might hurt me.”

He seemed to be making an effort to get himself under control. “Now you’re not believing me when I tell you I’ve changed. How can you accuse me of not believing you, but then you refuse to believe me?”

I bit my lip, wondering how honest I could be with him now. If I brought up all of his past mistakes, how would he react? Was it even fair for me to throw them all back at him? But we needed to discuss them. It wasn’t like I was trying to hurt him. We just needed to clear the air. Even if we never got back together, we still would have a child to raise together. We needed to be able to talk about our past.

“Trevor, why should I believe you now? Have you forgotten all the lies you told me and how you lied to your parents about me?”

“When did I ever lie to you?”

This is where I needed to be careful. I didn’t know if he realized I was the one who had called in a tip to the police saying it might be Rob’s Auto Body shop that was involved in the car thefts. If he didn’t suspect me, and I didn’t know why he would, I certainly didn’t want to give myself away. He probably didn’t even know that I knew why he had been in jail. “For one thing,” I said, “You told me you weren’t drinking but you still were. And when I was sick in the beginning of my pregnancy, not only did you lock me into our apartment and take my purse with my keys and wallet, but you took all of the money in my bank account.”

He rubbed his hand on his chin. “Look, I know I made a lot of mistakes. But in the six months since you’ve been gone I’ve come to realize what’s most important and that’s you. I don’t know what else to tell you to convince you.”

“I need time to think about this,” I said. “A few hours ago I didn’t even know you were in town.”

His hand slid across the table, but I left mine in my lap. He rested his hand on the table as he spoke. “I’m sorry if I scared you when I showed up. I’m sorry for all the things I did that made you want to leave me. But I still love you with all my heart and I want to make our marriage work.” He paused. “Just think about it. I’ll be here again tomorrow at one o’clock. I hope you’ll come talk to me.”

“Thanks for lunch, Trevor.” I slid out of the booth and stood. “I’ll think about it, but no promises.”

He smiled and nodded and I walked out the door and to my car, my mind in turmoil.

Chapter Thirty-Four

I drove home in a daze. Fortunately, I’d driven the route often enough that I didn’t have to think about where I was going. A short time later I pulled into my gravel drive and parked in front of my house. Greta was happy to see me and I scratched her in her favorite spots for a few minutes as I sat on the couch.

Today was one of the days I didn’t have classes. I usually used the time to do homework, but there would be no way I would be able to concentrate. As I replayed my conversation with Trevor, multiple feelings went through me. At first I had been terrified when he’d walked through the door of
Billi’s
, but he had actually been quite reasonable. At lunch I had even felt some renewed tenderness for him. And when he had taken my hand in his, I had been hungry for his touch.

My biggest concern was whether he meant what he said or if he had some other agenda. Did he suspect that I had taken his money? Or did he truly love me and want to be with me? But most important, had he changed, as he claimed? I desperately wanted to believe him. Things would be so much easier if my life could get back on track and if the family I had always visualized for myself could actually come to fruition.

But I had doubts. Serious doubts. And I didn’t know how I could test Trevor to see if he was telling the truth. The only way I could think of was to give him a chance. He’d already found me, so there was no risk in spending time with him. As long as I kept my guard up, I felt I would be okay.

The next day at work, toward the end of my shift, I kept glancing out the window toward the diner to try to catch a glimpse of Trevor arriving. I hadn’t decided yet if I was going to go talk to him. I was still scared because I was unsure of his motives.

At twelve thirty I saw his blue Camaro pull up to the diner and I felt my heart race. I watched as he opened the door of his car and stepped out. He looked in my direction, although I was fairly certain he couldn’t see me through the glass, then walked into the diner.

I found myself feeling like I did when I lived in Reno and Trevor was just starting to notice me. I craved his attention and approval. I
needed
him to notice me and want me. Even though he had treated me poorly, my loneliness over the previous six months made me want to overlook the mistakes of the past.

But I did need to find out about his arrest. Was he involved with the car thefts? Where did he get the two-hundred thousand dollars? I knew I couldn’t be with someone who was stealing.

Maddy showed up a little while later and I left the store, then stood on the sidewalk in front, unsure what I should do. Then I started walking toward my car, too scared to do anything else.

“Lily!”

I froze as Trevor’s voice rang out. Then I continued walking.

“Kate!”

This time I stopped and turned in his direction. He was jogging across the street toward me.

“Sorry. I forgot about the name thing,” he said, smiling.

I tentatively smiled back.

“I saw you standing on the sidewalk and I was afraid you weren’t going to come talk to me.” He paused. “And then you started walking away.”

Suddenly I felt bad about my decision. For a moment I put myself in Trevor’s place. His wife had left him and he had spent months looking for her, and now that he’d found her, she didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with him. My heart sank as I imagined how I would feel.

But I had to keep reminding myself why I’d left and what had led up to it. He had made choices that had pushed me away. These were just the consequences of those choices.

Thinking in those terms made me feel better.

“Will you talk to me today, Kate?” He shook his head. “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to calling you that.”

“I have classes this afternoon, Trevor. I don’t really have time right now.”

“Oh.” He paused, considering. “When will you have time?”

“Tomorrow afternoon, I guess.”

“Okay. I’ll be waiting.”

“Fine.” I stood there a moment. “I have to get going.”

His blue eyes bored into mine and he whispered, “I love you, Lily.”

A lump formed in my throat as I looked into his eyes and his words penetrated my heart. “Bye, Trevor,” I managed to say, then I turned and walked to my car. I didn’t look in his direction until I was safely in my car. He was still standing where I’d left him, watching me, a look of despair on his face.

I backed out of the parking spot and began the drive to class as tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.

I had a hard time focusing in my classes. Finals were in just a few weeks and I looked forward to getting those done. And then my baby would be coming. The closer my due date came, the more excited I became. The baby’s room was ready. All it needed was a baby.

Finally it was time to go home. I fixed myself dinner, then played with Greta for a while. It was too cold to play outside, so I used a toy rope and played tug-of-war with her. She had gotten a lot bigger since I’d gotten her and just having her around made me feel more secure.

All of a sudden she dropped her end of the rope and ran to the front door, barking. It was dark outside, but as I looked out the front window I could see a car pulling up the gravel drive. As the car got closer, I saw it was Trevor’s Camaro.