Don't Look Back (20 page)

Panic engulfed me. What was he doing here? Why had he come? Should I hide in the secret room? What would he do if I didn’t answer the door? What would he do when he heard Greta barking?

Chapter Thirty-Five

I ran upstairs and into the baby’s room, then looked out the window. Trevor was getting out of his car. It was dark out, but I could see him hesitate before walking toward the front porch. I lost sight of him but heard knocking. Greta was still barking like crazy with her deep, loud voice.

Since my car was parked out front, Trevor would know I was home. Slowly, I walked out of the baby’s room, then down the stairs. As I approached the front door, Trevor knocked again. I peered through the peephole and saw Trevor patiently waiting. I turned the lock and reached for the door knob, then hesitated.

“Lily?” Trevor called, obviously hearing me turn the deadbolt.

With me there, Greta had calmed down and only let out an occasional bark. Slowly, I turned the knob, then pulled open the door. “What are you doing here, Trevor?” My voice was less than friendly and I held Greta’s collar to keep her from running out.

The smile he’d had on his face vanished. “I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to talk to you, so I thought I’d stop by.” He took a step back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would be a big deal.” Trevor glanced at Greta. “Look, if you don’t want me here, I’ll leave.”

I sighed. “You’re already here, so you might as well come in.”

His smile returned.

I opened the door and allowed him to enter. Once the door was closed I let go of Greta. She had gotten better about not jumping on people, but she still went to Trevor, who was standing just inside the front door, and vigorously sniffed him.

Trevor laughed, then squatted down and let Greta smell his hand. After Greta had her fill, she licked his hand and he pet her.

I wondered if I’d ruined any chance of her protecting me from Trevor now that she’d met him, but then I remembered the time Marcus had been teaching me self-defense and Greta had gotten upset and growled at him. And she had been familiar with him.

“I didn’t know you liked dogs, Lily.” He stood back up.  “Is it okay if I call you Lily while we’re alone?”

“I guess it’s okay while we’re here. But yeah, I’ve never had a dog before. I got Greta so I would have a guard dog. She does a pretty good job too.”

“When I heard her barking I was a little worried you’d send her after me.”

I laughed, thinking how I’d gotten her specifically because of Trevor. “Do you want to sit down?”

“Sure,” he said, following me to the couch.

When he sat on one end, I sat as far from his as I could.

“How’s school?” he asked.

“Good. I have finals in just a few weeks.” I thought back to the last time I was getting ready for finals. It was the previous semester, right after I’d found out I was pregnant. When Trevor had brought me back from the motel I’d run to, he wouldn’t let me leave and I’d missed finals, failing all of my classes. Anger welled up in me as I thought about what he’d done.

“I think it’s awesome that you’re still going to school.” He stared at the floor for a minute, then looked at me. “I’m really sorry about what I did. How I didn’t let you finish the semester. That was really stupid and selfish of me.”

Though I appreciated his apology, it didn’t change what had happened. “I’m still pretty mad about that, Trevor. The whole semester was wasted. Not to mention all the money I spent. Why did you do that?”

“I just didn’t want you to leave. I was sure that if you walked out the door without me, you’d never come back.”

My eyebrows went up. “How did that work out for you?”

He laughed uncomfortably. “Not so good.”

We were both quiet for a minute, then I asked, “Why did you want that gym bag back so bad?”

The question obviously caught him off-guard.

“Well, it’s not that I wanted it back so bad. I was, uh, I was just mad at you for wanting the divorce. And I, uh, it was the only thing I could think of to demand from you.”

I could tell he knew that was a lame excuse. “Since I sent it back, I expect you to keep your promise. We need to get this divorce finalized.”

“I know, I know. I just wanted to spend some time with you. I hoped you might change your mind.”

I didn’t want to get on that subject again so I asked him another question that had been on my mind. “You never told me why you were in jail. What was that all about?”

“Apparently the police thought Rob and I were involved in stealing cars. But they didn’t have enough evidence, so they had to let us go.”

“You say that like they were right about you, but just couldn’t prove it.”

“No, they were wrong. We didn’t steal any cars.”

Somehow I couldn’t quite believe him and I just wasn’t in the mood to try. “Look, Trevor. I’m really tired and it’s getting late. Maybe we can do this another time.”

“Lily, will you let me feel the baby moving?” He moved to the edge of the couch, like he was about to get up.

“She’s sleeping right now.”

“She? Do you think it’s a girl?”

“Yeah. I think it might be,” I said smoothly. “But there’s no point in trying to feel her moving, because she’s not moving right now.”

“Is that normal?” he asked, looking alarmed.

I laughed. “Yes. She has to sleep sometime. She doesn’t move constantly.”

“Oh. As you can tell, I don’t know anything about pregnancy.” He seemed to hesitate. “And since I haven’t been involved so far, I don’t feel part of it at all.”

Guilt sliced through me. He
had
been left completely out of the experience. But that was his own fault, I reminded myself. I had always wanted to share this with him, but his actions had forced me to leave. Then I felt the baby move. Maybe I should get this over with, I thought. “Trevor, I think she just woke up, if you want to feel.”

Eagerly he moved to sit next to me. Our legs touched and I felt a jolt.

“Where should I put my hands?” he asked, holding his hands over my belly.

Flustered to have him so close to me, at first I didn’t answer.

“Lily?” he asked.

“Right,” I said and glanced at him. Then I reached for his hands, but hesitated to touch them.

“Lily?” he asked, his voice soft.

My gaze met his and I was drawn in by his vivid blue eyes. Pulling my gaze away, I set my hands in my lap. “You can just put your hands on my stomach.”

“Like this?” he asked, setting his hands on my large belly.

I could feel the baby moving, but not where he’d put his hands. There wasn’t a good way to describe where he needed to move them, so I forced myself to put my hands on top of his and slide them to the right spot. Ignoring his gaze, I held his hands where the baby was most active.

“Whoa! I felt it kick!”

Despite everything, I couldn’t help smiling. I knew the excitement of feeling the baby move for the first time.

“That’s so cool!” he said. “It moved again!”

I rolled my eyes. “You can say ‘she’.”

“But what if it’s a boy?”

I lifted my hands from his. “It’s a girl, Trevor.”

“But you don’t know for sure. It could be a boy.”

“Trevor. I had an ultrasound and I found out it’s a girl. For sure.”

“Oh.” He took his hands off my stomach. “Why did you tell me you didn’t know then?”

“I guess I was just so surprised to see you, and I was kind of mad too. So I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Okay. What do you think we should name her?”

I already had a name in mind and I had never considered that Trevor would want any input. I hadn’t visualized him in this process at all. “I don’t know. Do you have any names that you like?”

“Well, I hadn’t actually thought about it. I guess I need to get one of those baby name books.”

“I have one you can look at if you want.” I went in to the kitchen and grabbed the baby name book off of the counter. I had been looking at it earlier. When I came back to the couch I sat next to Trevor. It’s not that I wanted to sit close to him exactly, but since we were going to look at the book, it just made sense to sit next to each other.

I handed him the book and he turned to the girl names section. He pointed out a few names, but I had already settled on one that I liked. Natalie. As we worked our way to the N’s, I waited to see if he would notice the name I wanted. He skipped right over it.

“What about Natalie?” I asked.

“Natalie, huh? Yeah, it’s okay.” He looked at me. “Is that the name you want to give her?”

“I like it.”

“Then Natalie is fine with me.”

Warmth flowed over me at his willingness to accept my choice. “Really?”

“Of course. You’re the mother. I think you should choose.”

I smiled, feeling better about Trevor than I had in a while. “She’s kicking again. Do you want to feel?”

He nodded and I guided his hands to the right spot, then watched as his face lit up.

“What does it feel like when the movement is inside of you?” he asked.

“It’s kind of hard to explain. But it’s different than from the outside, that’s for sure.” I paused, considering my next words. “Sometimes I can see her move right under my skin.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I look at my belly, under my shirt, sometimes I can see my skin ripple as she rolls around in there.”

“Can you show me?” he asked, his face hopeful.

Before I had said anything, I knew if I told him he’d want to see. Now I wondered if I should have kept it to myself. He obviously saw my hesitation.

“Please, Lily?”

“Okay. I guess it would be all right.” Slowly, I lifted my blouse and exposed my swollen belly. We both stared at it, waiting. Suddenly there was a large ripple as Natalie moved in my womb.

Trevor laughed. “That’s so weird, but cool at the same time.”

I laughed too. “I know. It’s strange to think there’s a miniature human being inside of me.”

“Can I feel it?”

I nodded.

He placed his hands against my skin and I almost gasped with the heat that raced through me. In my peripheral vision I saw him glance at me and I wondered if he could tell the effect he had on me.

Then, slowly, his hands moved around on my stomach. I didn’t know if he was trying to find where the baby was moving, or if he had something else in mind. In either case, I had to admit to myself that I liked his touch. I’d had so little human touch in the last six months that it was almost like I was starving for the warm touch that he was providing.

My mind wandered back to the first month of our marriage, before things had turned sour. The feelings he elicited from me now were similar to that time. I leaned my head against the couch cushions and closed my eyes. His hands continued to gently stroke my stomach. It felt so good that I didn’t want him to stop.

Even though my eyes were closed, I could tell he was moving closer to me. Suddenly I felt his lips pressing against mine.

“Lily,” he murmured. “I’ve missed you so much.”

I opened my eyes and saw his face very close to mine. The blue of his eyes pulled me in and, right then, I wanted to be in his embrace. My arms went around his neck and he kissed me again, but this time his tongue pushed its way into my mouth and I eagerly responded.

After a moment, he stood and held out his hand. I took it and he helped me up, then he led me upstairs to my bedroom.

Chapter Thirty-Six

In the middle of the night I woke and was startled to find Trevor sleeping beside me. It only took a moment to recall the previous night. Being intimate with him made me feel emotionally close to him, but I wasn’t sure if I should have done it. Now it would be harder to push the divorce through. And I suspected he would be more resistant.

Though I had enjoyed our time together, the underlying problems hadn’t changed. He had been abusive, locked me up, stolen from me, and been arrested on suspicion of car theft. Not to mention the fact that he had buried two-hundred thousand dollars that came from some unknown and probably illegal source. Money that I now had and needed to give back. I didn’t want to have anything to do with it.

I hadn’t figured out how to get it back to him without divulging the fact that I had dug it up and taken it home. I wondered what his true motives were in coming here. He hadn’t acted like he thought I had found the SD card and knew anything about the money. Could it be that he really did love me? What about the kiss I’d seen him share with Amanda?

One thing I knew for sure: I couldn’t trust him.

I didn’t want him in the house when it was time for me to go to work. Though I didn’t think he’d come across the hidden room, I didn’t want to take a chance. I sat up and looked at him for a minute.

“Trevor,” I said, shaking him. “Trevor, wake up.”

“What? What time is it?” he asked, groggy.

“It’s one thirty in the morning.”

“Go back to sleep.”

“Trevor,” I said louder as I shook him with more force. “It’s time for you to leave. I don’t want you to spend the night.”

“Why not?” He sat up too, more awake now.

“I just don’t.” I didn’t feel like I had to give an explanation. This was my home and if I wanted him to leave, he would just have to leave.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Lily. It’s the middle of the night. Why can’t I wait until morning to leave?”

There was no question that he was irritated by my request. “I have to get up early for work, and I don’t want you here when I’m gone.”

He lay back down. “I can leave when you do.”

Now I was irritated. He was completely ignoring my demand.

He put his arm around me. “Come on, Lily. Let’s go back to sleep.”

Feeling helpless, I lay down and felt his hands start to caress me. I wasn’t in the mood for what he so clearly wanted, especially after his refusal to listen to my wants. I pushed his hand away, but he put it back, again ignoring my message.

“No, Trevor,” I said as I sat up.

“What do you mean,’No’?”

“What do you think I mean? I don’t want to do that with you.”

He laughed. “Why not? You were completely willing last night.”